Reflected

by Rhiannon Held

  “Speak up, I don’t think I heard you with my human ears,” Susan snapped and scraped up a mouthful from her plate with an angry clatter. She glanced guiltily over at Silver, but Silver just leaned back and said nothing, making sure the others saw her do it. Her beta had her permission to answer an insult, and they should be aware of that.

  “Not you.” Sacramento flushed and her wild self pressed its ears flat with embarrassment. “You’re not—you’re different.”

  “Nice of you to say so.” Susan’s tone was thin, but she took her next bite with a composed expression.

  “And how would you know what human women are or are not like, Sacramento?” Silver said and raised her eyebrows. Clearly she had experience of her own with them and shouldn’t talk. Awkward silence fell to ensnare them once more. Again, Sacramento had fouled her timing—Silver wanted to give Susan time for her frustration to cool before asking her to be persuasive.

  Perhaps Silver would have to begin it, then. Hopefully everyone’s bellies were full enough for them to think logically. “Being a sub-alpha is not the same as being an alpha alone, you know,” she said, setting her elbow on the table and resting her chin on her knuckles to feign nonchalance she didn’t feel. “Portland can always come to me or Dare with any problem at all.”

  “But will she?” It seemed to Silver that Craig’s voice had picked up an extra rumble from the disuse this evening. “She’s never been one for appearing weak that way.”

  “It’s not weakness. It’s a lack of stupid pride.” Silver lifted her shoulder on her bad side. She’d noticed that people reacted the most when her dead arm’s muscles failed to move the way their instincts said they should. Sacramento winced. “An alpha is no alpha without his or her pack. And a pack dies out from inbreeding without the neighboring pack. We all need each other. I cannot have cubs, I’m sure everyone is aware of that by now. But I will do anything—anything—to keep another Roanoke cub safe.”

  “I can’t believe you’re even bothering to argue with him.” Sacramento settled back and crossed her arms, an unyielding expression returning. “If I demanded that you force one of the male sub-alphas to step down for a similarly stupid reason, I bet you’d dismiss me out of hand.”

  Silver wished she could have put her face in her hand. Why couldn’t Sacramento see she was doing more harm than good? “Dismissing anyone without an explanation rarely helps. Do not mistake explaining for arguing.” Explaining, as Silver was doing to Sacramento at this very moment, rather than dismissing her.

  Silver caught Susan’s eye, silently urging the other woman to break in now, rather than give Sacramento time to dig herself deeper. Fortunately, Susan caught her signal. “I don’t really think it’s that big a deal anyway. Everyone makes jokes about how pregnant women are crazy, and sure, things are a little out of whack, but it’s manageable. Especially with support.” She lifted her hand as if to indicate the den in general. “You guys have it good with the pack thing. I only got the edge of that, with John, and it still helped enormously.”

  Sacramento put her hand on Portland’s. “Yeah, not just your pack. Anything I can help you with, just ask.”

  Portland laughed, shaking her head at the seriousness of the offer. She lifted Sacramento’s hand and kissed it gallantly. Sacramento’s scent flared briefly with attraction, no surprise to anyone, but Portland flushed slightly as her scent did the same in answer. Craig stilled, then looked pointedly away from the two of them, and the moment stretched long enough that even Susan’s eyebrows rose slightly.

  Just what they needed. Before Silver could start worrying about that particular wrinkle, Portland set Sacramento’s hand down and continued on like the moment hadn’t happened. “I certainly don’t feel crazy yet.”

  “How about morning sickness? Has that started? Or do Were even get it?” Susan grinned when Portland shook her head and started describing the malady in gleeful detail. Portland seemed happy to have a voice of experience to question, and even Sacramento began to look intrigued, but Craig remained quiet. Hard to tell if the details were having any soothing effect on him at all.

  Silver glanced around. Everyone’s plates were empty by now, so that seemed like a good excuse to lead into giving them her decision. “Come. We can go sit somewhere more comfortable.”

  Craig stacked Portland’s plate with his own and lifted them both automatically, but Sacramento set hers in front of Susan. Sacramento started to turn back, perhaps to lean in for a low-voiced comment to Portland, but Susan caught her across the knuckles with a spoon with a sharp crack. Sacramento squeaked in shock at the pain. “I’m not your low-ranked servant,” Susan said, tightly controlled. Silver suspected it sounded like anger to the others, and while she knew anger definitely played a part, she also knew Susan was controlled because she was fighting against her instincts. The physical aspects of Were culture didn’t come easily to her.

  “I outrank you, human or not.” Sacramento turned back to face Susan squarely.

  “Do you? I’d always got the impression that the relationship between the Roanokes’ beta and their sub-alphas was something of a gray area that was still being negotiated.” Susan lifted her chin.

  “The Roanoke beta is in Alaska.” Sacramento snorted. “You’re just his wife.”

  “I’m stepping up in my husband’s absence. If you have a problem with that, we could fight it out.” Susan smiled without warmth. “I’m a good shot, as you may recall.”

  “All right, enough, both of you.” Silver’s tone came out more sharply commanding than she’d intended. Susan had used a human weapon to kill the former Sacramento in defense of their pack, but that wasn’t something she should be throwing at the current Sacramento. “Susan, go ahead with the others. Sacramento, a word if you please?”

  Silver waited until the others were well gone. Silver’s patience with the sub-alpha was now officially exhausted. “What crawled into your water supply and died?” she snapped.

  Sacramento, who had been watching Portland leave, jerked back to face Silver, tightly tailed hair swinging with the movement. “What?”

  Silver gestured sharply at Sacramento. “I have to think that you’re possessed of some inkling of the concept of subtlety, however minor. Weren’t you playing chase with the last Sacramento, influencing him without his knowledge? I find that hard to reconcile with a Were who thinks the best way to influence her alpha to rule her way is to argue with her and repeatedly insult her beta. Your pack is happy, you’re perfectly capable of adult decisions when leading them, so what is it about defending a woman’s right to be alpha that makes your mind turn off?”

  “I—” Sacramento swallowed, and her head dropped. “Maybe I did overreact when Portland called me. I just … this is how it starts, don’t you see? Allow men one excuse for getting us out of power, and soon it will be something else, and another thing, until women have no power again.”

  “Not all men are against you. Not even most.” Silver petted Sacramento’s hair, as much as she could with it caught up so tightly. “Dare isn’t looking to take anything from you. We’re with you, both you and Portland, but this needs finesse. You have to understand that and stop fighting me. I have no wish to see my power taken away either.”

  “Well, you don’t exactly have to worry about it, at least in this case, do you? No one’s going to try to force you out for being pregnant like they’re doing to Portland, and they might me someday.” Sacramento ran her hand over where Silver’s had just been, as if Silver had disturbed wisps that needed smoothing.

  “I suppose not.” Silver could hardly hear her own words over the pure, shaking rage that bubbled up into her chest. How dare she? How dare Sacramento throw that in her face, imply that she couldn’t understand other women’s problems because she couldn’t have cubs of her own?

  The rage pooled deeper, and deeper, until Silver’s muscles shook with it, but she held it back from poisoning her voice. “Have you managed to pick a new beta yet, Sacramento?”

&n
bsp; Sacramento stared at her, perhaps not yet believing what her nose told her about the change in Silver’s body language. “Not yet. Why?”

  “I suppose, then, if you don’t get out of my sight and my home this instant, I’ll have to hand your territory over to Reno.” When Sacramento didn’t move, Silver raised her voice. “Get out!”

  Sacramento continued to stare at her, a little wide-eyed now, then retreated to the entrance with as much dignity as she could muster. Portland and her beta arrived a moment later, attracted by the shouting. Silver tried to wrestle her anger down, to find the tact she’d planned to use, but all of that had deserted her. The best she could manage was an even tone. “My decision is that Portland will remain alpha unless she gives me another reason to demote her.” She gestured to the door.

  They left. Silver waited, shaking, letting the rage free into her voice because she didn’t need to speak further. Susan approached, and Silver held up her good hand. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, deal with anyone, she wanted to be alone. She slipped out into the chilling air of the twilight, Death padding at her heels. She would have ordered him away too, but she knew he’d never listen.

  Even outside, she was surrounded by humans, too many humans who shouldn’t hear her scream frustration to the stars hidden somewhere up behind the remaining sun’s light. Silver kept walking until she’d left the majority of the humans behind, her thoughts circling the same paths with each step. How dare Sacramento? How dare she? Eventually, she slowed, and her exertion was not enough to warm her in her thin shirt as true darkness fell. She shivered, and sense began to return.

  “Finesse, hm?” Death drew even with her, using her brother’s voice. He also borrowed her brother’s particular tone of exasperation. Are you done yet? “You’re a master of irony, at least. Barely a minute after your lecture on subtlety.”

  Silver scuffed her toes along the ground, kicking up a twig and rolling it along until the bark started to abrade. “Some alpha I am. Dare goes away, and I start falling apart within a month.” A crow cawed cheekily at her, and she stopped to glare up at him in the branches above. “You’re lucky I have only my human teeth, rude little bird,” she told it, and gave a laugh that walked the edge of tears.

  “By all means, give up, then,” Death said. “Fade back to being the alpha’s mate instead of the alpha’s equal.”

  “No!” Silver snapped, and the crow rose in a flurry of wings. “I allowed my anger to get the better of me, yes, but who’s to say that it might not have come to this anyway? Craig did not look likely to change his opinion, no matter what I did. Let him tell who he wants, and I’ll deal with it. If any of the sub-alphas want to declare independence, they’d have found some other excuse eventually, if not this. Dare and I knew when we united Roanoke that it would be a hard trail to walk, keeping it that way.”

  Death followed the crow’s flight with his head. He didn’t say anything, which seemed the only response Silver was likely to get. Her resolution about dealing with Craig steadied her but didn’t touch the tight core of her current pain. She knelt beside Death and set her cheek against the soft fur over his shoulder, and he stood steady and let her. “It hurts so much sometimes, to know there will never be a cub that’s a little bit of Dare and me. I love him so much, and I think together, we could—” Silver swallowed. “It doesn’t usually hurt so badly, but sometimes it jumps up and takes me by the throat.”

  “You could stop flinching from acting as a mother to Dare’s daughter.” Death used his more habitual voice now, rumbling low against her ear.

  “Easier said than done,” Silver murmured and sighed. “But you’re right. It’s about time to call her home. She doesn’t need to be staying out all night with that young man.” Silver straightened and started the walk back to the den.

  9

  Felicia had to punch Enrique on the shoulder before he remembered to present his ID at the entrance to the club, even though he’d seen her do it just a moment before. Then it took him forever to realize the bouncer was trying to get him to hold his wrist out to receive the stamp for being legal to drink. It glowed under the black lights as the stream of people carried them toward the dance floor. Beyond it, stairs led up to the balcony level with the bar.

  Even at the door, the sound and scents had been a physical pressure, but as they neared the speakers around the dance floor, the atmosphere enveloped them, every sense blanketed with the overwhelming presence of music and sweating humans. Felicia drew in a deep breath and stood still for a few moments, letting it wash into her. Like surrendering to a huge ocean, letting it take her and pull her under, the sound relaxed something knotted deep within her.

  Enrique shook her shoulder, pulling her out of it. “I’m healing deafness just standing here, I can feel it,” he shouted into her ear. “I don’t know how the humans can stand losing more of their dull senses…” He dropped his hand to put both over his ears, and his breathing grew faster.

  “Calm down!” Felicia cupped Enrique’s face before leaning close enough to be heard again. “I don’t know how the humans do it either, but you have to let it overwhelm you. When you’re hearing and smelling so much you can’t hear or smell anything more, then you can stop hearing or smelling at all, and just feel.”

  She pulled him onto the dance floor, starting to move as the deep bass seeped into the very voice in her chest. Here, she could forget everything, not think, just feel. Move with the beat, with the music, just one of the huge pack the humans formed, all moving together. Surrender to the pack.

  Enrique moved too, but only to glance around with increasing panic. Felicia watched him, certain the beat and the pack mentality would catch him up soon enough, but his eyes started showing white around the edges. She didn’t have to tug him off—the moment she started to move toward the edge of the floor, he fled in front of her. When she caught up to him in the clear space—clear compared to the dance floor—below the balcony, she put her hand on his arm and pointed up the stairs. “Why don’t you get a few more drinks in you? Unless you’re too scared. Then we could go.” It was a low blow, but Felicia felt Enrique’s reaction was a little over the top. Sure, back in Madrid they hadn’t done anything like this, but the experience wasn’t that terrible. Besides, he’d made her just as uncomfortable earlier, dodging cars.

  Enrique bared his teeth at her in a humorless smile, showed his stamp to the bouncer at the bottom of the stairs when prompted, and marched up. Felicia watched the lights wash over the heads of the crowd, making them a screen for the play of the neon colors and flashes and dots and beams. She started moving with the beat again. No need to wait for Enrique to continue dancing.

  Her phone vibrated against her hip, and Felicia flipped it open. Good thing it had the vibration on as a default, because she’d never have heard the tone in this place.

  SILVER’S ASKING WHERE YOU ARE, the text message from Tom read. Felicia frowned at it for a while. Did she want to tell Silver where she was? It was none of her business—well, that wasn’t technically true. It was her business as alpha, if she chose to make it her business. Probably better to tell her. Silver couldn’t possibly object to her being at a club, and that way she wouldn’t start imagining anything worse. Felicia replied with the name of the club and slipped her phone away again in time to see Enrique coming down the stairs. Finally.

  He must have chugged more than one drink, because the smell of alcohol rolled off his breath as he leaned close, hand on her back. He nipped at her ear, her neck, and his hand slipped lower to squeeze her ass. She smacked him. If she hadn’t wanted to play chase earlier, she definitely didn’t want to be doing it in public, in front of all these humans.

  Enrique grinned. “All right,” he said. “Now I’m ready to dance.”

  He wasn’t very good at dancing. The alcohol had taken the edge off his panic, but he mostly stood and swayed. A significant number of men on the floor were doing the same, however, so Felicia didn’t bother him about it. The energy of the group wa
s more than great enough to carry a few swayers along with the rest.

  Time stretched and sped or slowed, Felicia couldn’t tell. She had no idea how long she and Enrique had been there when Tom appeared out of nowhere. She squeaked embarrassingly when she twisted with the beat and found him right there beside her. Not that anyone could hear her, but it was the principle of the thing.

  Felicia had to rely on flashes of Tom’s expression under different colors for his mood. She thought she saw frustration at first—no wonder, if Silver had forced him to come out here to find her for no reason—but it faded under the wash of music, the same way her frustrations had. She smiled watching it happen, and he smiled back, even began to move with the music.

  Tom had been the one who introduced her to dancing in clubs, and the memory of the pure excitement of that first night and the closeness they’d shared back then, in the early heady weeks of their flirtation, drew her close to him. They danced that way, closer and closer, until Tom suddenly jerked away. This time, she could read his thought easily in his face: he’d remembered her father’s orders.

  Well, fine. There were other men to dance with here. Felicia turned and hooked her fingers into Enrique’s belt loops to draw him in as close as Tom had been. He may not have understood dancing, but he understood grinding, and he slid a hand to the small of her back to hold her to him as they moved. She cupped her hands along the sides of his neck and brushed kisses along the line of his jaw.

  It wasn’t that Felicia wanted to make Tom jealous. She was curious what his reaction would be, that was all. He’d given up so easily when her father ordered him, she wondered how strongly he’d felt in the first place. She couldn’t tell now, either, because when she turned them with the music so she was looking around Enrique’s shoulder, Tom was blank faced. He moved just enough with the music to avoid bumping the elbows and hips of gyrating dancers around him.