"Yes. My name is Arianna Dubray, and I am here to see Camille McCormick."
"Hmm," was all I heard before the sound of her nails began clicking on the keys of the computer in front of her. "Did you set up an appointment? I'm not seeing your name anywhere."
Facing her now I asked, "Did I need one?" I pulled the letter out and set it on the counter. "I received this several days ago and thought it was an open invitation."
She grabbed the paper and pulled it down to eye level. Clearing her throat, she glanced back up at me.
"No, this is to tell you she can see you. Not for you to just show up. We have no idea what state she's in at the moment to justify a surprise visit. You should have thought about that before—"
Slamming my hand down on the counter cut her off, I leaned forward. "I know you don't know me and don't care to, but I didn't even want to come here! I don't want to see her! She was never... I don't want to..."
Tears were streaming down my face, and as I eagerly tried to wipe them away, she stood and grabbed my hand.
"You poor thing. You're wrong. I do care. I'm sorry that I came across rude. Having a mother with Camille's conditions must have been horrible. Please have a seat, and I will call her doctor down to speak with you."
"You don't need to do that. I'm going just leave.”
“No, dear, please…"
"Ma’am, I mean no disrespect, but hearing more excuses from a doctor isn't going to change the fact that I was eighteen when I gained guardianship of my sister, and that she never really had a mom her whole life but still thinks someday that woman is going to show up and be what she never was. I watched her stand back while her husband beat me and..."
"Do you know why your mother's here? Do you understand any of this, sugar?"
She walked around the desk during my rant and pulled me into a tight embrace.
I buckled in her arms. Strength didn't exist in that moment; fear took its place. I was scared to answer no. I had never understood how a mother could blank out and never be there for her children.
The woman began to rub her hand over my head to calm me while she spoke.
"Mental illness is worse than anything if it isn't treated properly."
I pulled back, not understanding her.
"Mental illness? Is that what she's claiming? She's not crazy. She just chose to ignore us. Don't let her fool you."
"Oh, dear child, you really don't understand any of this. Let me call the doctor down. Please don't leave, there is a lot you don't know."
She let me go, walked back behind the desk, grabbed the phone, and started talking while I went to sit down on the couch and process everything that she said. My mother wasn't crazy. She never screamed, threw things, or talked to people that weren't there. She was able to live the life she wanted, it just wasn't for us—it was for her. Whatever she had convinced them was her own guilt of what she never did, not something she had done. She was a monster but the silent type who just stood back and let bad things happen. They wanted me to feel sorry for her? Never.
Moments later the sound of steps began building behind me. I looked over my shoulder and watched a tall man in his late forties/early fifties approaching me. I stood out of respect and shook his hand while formally introducing myself.
"Thanks for coming. Camille has been asking for you and..." He looked around. "Is Shelby not here?"
"No, she isn't and won't be. This is nothing short of closure, sir. I mean no disrespect, but never would I put my sister through more than she has endured already."
His expression went soft. Looking me in the eye he asked, "May we sit?"
I followed his lead and sat back down waiting to hear more excuses my mother had obviously fed them.
"Arianna, my name is Randal Freshen, and I have been working with your mother for almost a year now. I will not share with you the answers you're seeking, because I believe your mother has the right to handle that herself. Would you be willing to meet with her?"
"I was told I need an appointment."
"Well, today happens to be a good day. I think there is no time better than now if you're ready."
I stood without verbally agreeing and waited for him to lead the way. Walking by the desk, I was met with a smile from the woman who was so kind to comfort me.
I mouthed, "Thank you" silently and followed the doctor up the stairs. When we reached the top we were stopped by two large doors. I watched as the doctor pulled a card from his pocket and slid it through the reader on the wall. A loud buzz came followed by the clicking of the lock opening. I stood back and waited until he opened the door and passed through holding it open for me.
"Nothing is going to hurt you."
He obviously could sense my reservations and had no idea what he was talking about. The woman I was about to see again held the power to destroy me.
Chapter 18
We walked down a cold, sterile hallway, passing room after room, enclosed by solid steel doors with card reader locks. The lower level of this building was completely opposite of where I was now. This was most definitely a hospital, only one built to trap people in. I continued to walk, trying to understand why my mother would choose to stay in a place like this voluntarily when the doctor stopped us.
"Do you need to take a minute?"
"No. I want to get this over with as soon as possible."
He slid his card through the reader and said, "This is a good thing you did by coming" before the door unlocked and was pushed open.
Sitting on the bed facing the window, I watched her body turn to face us. A cold chill rolled over me before every hair on my body stood on end, and I began to shake. I didn't move as her feet hit the floor. Or even when she started walking toward me. It wasn't until her hand reached for my cheek that I took a step back.
"Camille, why don't you give Arianna some space, please?"
She took a few steps back and just stared at me as if she was seeing me for the first time.
"You're absolutely perfect."
Her words cut like a knife. What did she expect me to say, thank you? Seriously?
She acted as if she hadn’t seen me in years.
"Will you come sit with me? I am so glad you’re actually here."
"I'm not here to be your best friend. If that's what you're trying to convince the doctor, you can stop now."
Shock followed by a gasp escaped her before she covered her face and began to cry.
"Are you kidding me?" I looked at the doctor. "Thank you for allowing me to see her, but I’m done..."
"Noo!" she began to beg. "Please don't go. I have so much to tell you. So many apologies. You need to understand why. Don't go now, please!"
"Why shouldn't I? You feel bad now? You should! You married a monster! You walked away from your eight-year-old daughter like she was nothing!"
"I gave her to you!"
"Are you serious? Does that make you feel like a better person because you handed over one child to another? I am eighteen years old! I shouldn't have to be raising a child! But don't you think for a second that you're going to take her from me, either. She's mine!"
"I know she is, she always has been, but I'm begging you to hear me out, because I promise you, it was not by choice that I did any of this!"
Hatred filled me. I hated this woman for everything she did, and hearing these excuses come out of her mouth made me hate her that much more.
"I think it would be a good idea if the two of you actually calmed down. I understand that both of you have a lot to say, but I want you to stop and listen for a second. Arianna, Camille asked for you to come here because she feels you need to understand why your life has been the way that it has. As much as you feel like you don't need to listen, I beg to differ. Your mother's condition is hereditary, and this very well could happen to you. So before you decide you need to leave, you might want to rethink that."
What he was saying made no sense. I could be like her? Never. I would never treat my children the way s
he did.
"Arianna, will you please listen before you leave? It's very important that you understand what you're facing."
"What is it you think I'm facing?"
I knew I was giving him attitude he didn't deserve, but this made no sense to me.
My mother was the one to answer.
"Have you ever heard of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or manic depression? Do you understand with any of those terms mean?"
The fact that I did had tears falling from my face. This couldn't be happening to me. This couldn't be happening to her.
"I know this is hard for you to hear, sweetheart." She reached her hand out to wipe away my tears. It was the first time I let her touch me in years. "I would have gone to Heaven and Earth to keep you and Shelby safe if I wasn't so stupid and let John determine who my doctors were. You need to understand that, please."
John. She was blaming him? Was it for convenience, or was he really behind all of this?
"What do you mean, he did this?"
"Come sit with me."
She took my hand and led me to the only chair in the room and then she took her place on the bed.
"You didn't answer me earlier when I asked you if you were familiar with those medical terms."
I answered "yes" as I tried to wrap my head around the fact John did something to her.
"I was twenty-four when the first signs started to appear. Your father held my hand through all of the testing and confirmation. Together we made sure to seek those most knowledgeable in the field to keep psychotic peaks from happening. I felt like nothing had ever happened when I took the correct medication and dosage."
"So you were diagnosed right after you had me?"
"Yes. We thought it was postpartum depression at the time, but I was spiraling out of control. Your father carried me to the doctor’s office practically."
"But I remember you being so wonderful back then."
"Thank you for that. I am glad that you have some memories of me before I was the monster your sister had for a mother."
I couldn't argue with that. But I think a zombie vs monster would have been more fitting.
"What changed? You had it under control. Why not do the same thing?"
She adjusted herself on the bed and looked down.
"When your dad died, even the meds couldn't pull me out of the hole I sunk into. Mental disorders are a wicked thing, Arianna, and I didn't know how to control it."
"Then you met John."
"Yes, then I met John. He was there to take care of me. He said all the right things and promised to help. I needed someone because I couldn't handle it alone."
"By it you mean me."
"No, I mean everything. The house, the bills, the life insurance, all of it. He swooped in and made appointments for me to see new doctors. They assured me that I would be okay if I listened, and I did. I was back to the old me, and it never felt so good. Being able to play with you and make you smile was like gold."
"I'm lost. If the right meds can make all of this disappear then how did we get to this? How did...."
"I got pregnant with Shelby."
"What does that even mean? How is that any different than being pregnant with me?"
"Women with my condition can't take meds when they are pregnant, and without them I was out of control. You may not remember me lying in bed for weeks at a time or screaming at the top of my lungs, but it happened. I grabbed you one day from school and drove us six hours away for no reason at all. John was furious. I was missing, and his baby was all he cared about. He knew he couldn't control me then so he waited until I delivered Shelby before he had my medications altered. Those doctors put me not only on the wrong meds but at dose levels my body had no need for. I went numb. I couldn't feel. I was so deep that I didn't even question anything anymore. And I lived like that for the last eight years."
My body jerked for a breath and that’s when I realized I was balling as she told me what he did to control her. How could anyone be so crazy as to medicate someone for power?
"How did you stop? Or even realize there was something wrong?"
"My prescription ran out. When I went to fill them the pharmacist asked me why I was taking enough for a horse. I had no idea what I was taking prior. John always handled it. That's when I knew something needed to be done, and John was no longer around to keep me from finding answers."
"This clarity came to you when? After we left? Why not try to find us? Why let your daughter hurt longer than she had already?"
"Shelby, or you? I hurt you both, but all you seem to be worried about is her. Please, I am begging you, don't hate me."
"That didn't answer anything I asked you."
She shuffled again in her seat.
"I found out after he was arrested, but before you left. I knew I needed help, and the best thing to do was send Shelby with you where I knew she would be safe."
"You have been here almost a year?"
"No. I have been here two months. Prior to this I was in Baltimore trying to seek out my original doctors. This hasn't been easy, Arianna, and I have been doing all of this for the two of you, not just Shelby. You may think you don't need me anymore, but a daughter never stops needing her mother. Believe me, I know. If I still had mine none of this may have happened."
I looked to the doctor standing quietly in the corner.
"So is she okay now? Have you gotten all her meds straightened out?"
"I believe so, but that's not where this ends. Camille has a long road of therapy ahead of her. Eight years are gone. Can you imagine having children you don't remember ever caring for? We are just at the beginning."
"I don't know what to do now. Where am I supposed to go from here?"
"Wherever your heart takes you. Just remember before you judge, this could still happen to you."
Chapter 19
I left the hospital after hugging my mother goodbye and promised her I would stop back by before I flew out the next day.
The cab driver took me to a nearby hotel and waited outside until I had confirmation on a room for the night.
Once I was inside I turned on the warm water and ran a hot bath for myself to try to relax. I didn't call Canyon right away, but instead chose to lay there and try to take in everything that I was told.
My mother was crazy.
It is hereditary.
John messed with her meds.
All that I believed was a lie.
She wanted forgiveness.
How could I bring her back into our lives with everything that had happened? How would Shelby react to a mother that was actually a mother, not one who sat back and did nothing? Would she respect her at all? Could she?
I decided to take one thing at a time. In that moment I chose to be grateful. Our mother was getting the help she needed. There was no fault in that.
An hour later the water had turned cold, and I forced myself to get out. Wrapping a towel around me I went straight to the bed and curled in a ball. I needed to hear Canyon's voice. I needed to tell Shelby I loved her. I sat up and reached for my purse at the end of the bed and brought it to my lap. After digging out my phone and a few presses on the screen, the sound of ringing hit my ears.
"Arianna?"
"Yes, Shelby, it's me."
"I am having so much fun! Guess what? Canyon took me on a horseback ride, and we got to go see the stallions again. Can you believe it?"
"How did the two of you accomplish that?"
"He's a genius, that's how!"
"That he is. So you're having a good time. That's great to hear. I've missed you like crazy."
"You haven't even gone to sleep yet. How can you miss me that much?"
I laughed at her honesty and simple mind.
"It doesn't take long, honey. I love you so much. You know that, right?"
"Of course I do. Do you want to talk to Canyon? I was just about to go back out to the barn."
"Yeah, I would love too. Hey, before you go, I will be
flying back tomorrow night, okay? I will see you then."
"Okay, ‘bye."
And then she was gone. Nothing had changed for her which is exactly how it should be.
"Hey there, darlin’'. Are you okay?"
I loved that before he even cared about how things went he asked how I was. It's those small little things that make him all the more special.
"Yeah, I'm all right." I dove backward onto the pillow that now supported my head. "I learned a lot today."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You can just ask me how much I love you, and I could fill the next half hour with words for you to take the pressure off. Sound good?"
I laughed.
"She's crazy, Canyon. Like diagnosed, certifiably crazy."
"Well that doesn't come as a big surprise, does it? I mean, why else would she act the way she did?"
"It's hereditary."
Silence.
"What do you mean? Like, what is her diagnosis?"
"Clinical manic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder. You name it, she's got it."
More silence.
"That doesn't mean it's going to happen to you or Shelby. You don't need to even concern yourself with that right now. What you need to do is patch up what requires patching and get your butt back here where you belong."
"John did all of it. He knew she needed help, and he took advantage of it. He got crooked doctors to prescribe all the wrong things and amounts. He made her that way, Canyon. It wasn't her fault."
"Shit!"
"I know. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's like I am waging a war with myself. All the memories vs what I know now. What am I supposed to do?"
"Nothing right now. You do nothing. Rome wasn't built in a day, Ari, and you can't expect to just be over all the hurt you feel for not having an active mother. Come home, okay? We can figure this out together. You're not alone in this."
"I need to see her again tomorrow before I leave. I promised her I would. What should I say?"
"Tell her you will come back sometime but you can't stay. She will have to be okay with that. Beggars can't be choosers."
"I know. You're right."
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