"Yes, I am. I love you something fierce, woman, and I am so proud of you for going and doing what you did today."
"I needed to hear that."
"It's what I'm here for."
More silence, but this time it was me that was trying to find courage for what needed to be asked.
"I don't mean to bring up a sore subject but with seeing my mom today it made me think. Have you talked to Brooke lately?"
"You know the answer to that. You just left this morning."
"I know I told you I was staying out of it, but I really think you need to call and check on her."
"She hasn't accepted my calls before. What makes you think she will now?"
"I don't really know. Have you left any messages?"
"No. She turns the ringer off, and it goes straight to voice-mail. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say."
"Keep trying. She can't go through this alone. She needs you, and you need to prove to her that you're there."
"What makes you think that?"
"Because a mother should never be forced to give up on her children, Canyon. If I have learned anything today, it's that."
"But, Ari, this is not the same thing and you know it... My son is dying."
It broke my heart to hear him have to say those words out loud.
"All the more reason you need to be there for her, don't you think?"
"Can you just come home so I can hold you like I need to right now?"
"I am booking my flight as soon as we get off the phone."
"Then I won't keep you any longer. I love you, darlin’. Don't ever forget that."
"I love you too."
We never said goodbye, but I was okay without those words being spoken in the moment. Sometimes goodbyes aren't needed at all.
The next morning, I woke up and headed straight for the shower. I had booked my flight for noon and had to be at the airport no later than ten-thirty, which meant I had an hour to spend with my mother before I left.
Walking into the building again took on a whole new feel compared to the first time. I wasn't as nervous and the protocol for being buzzed in didn't make me jump—even seeing her again felt good. I never would have thought I would welcome a hug from the woman who let me down in so many ways, but I was wrong about so much of it.
"Thank you for coming back."
Her shocked expression when I walked in the door was unexpected.
"I told you I would."
"I know you did, but I wouldn't have blamed you if you changed your mind."
"Mom..."I hadn't called her that in so long that it felt foreign. "I wouldn't have left without seeing you again. I have some things I want to say to you, but first…" I grabbed her into a hug I never wanted to let go of as she buckled in my arms. We both cried together as the pain from the last eight years washed free from our conscience. "I'm sorry that I blamed you all these years."
"Oh, honey, you didn't blame me, you just wanted a mother that wasn't there. That's what any child would do. Don't be sorry. That apology needs to come from me."
We spent the better part of the hour looking through pictures and videos on my phone.
"She's grown up so much. You've done very well, Arianna; you should be proud."
I hated that she missed just as much as we did.
"Thank you for that. She means everything to me."
"Maybe someday I will get to explain all of this to her?"
She looked almost scared of my response.
"I think we can definitely arrange that. She missed you very much. I am in no way trying to rush your healing, but I need to ask, when do you think you will be ready to leave this place?"
I thought I knew her look of shock before, but she proved me wrong by giving me an expression I hadn't seen yet. Her jaw dropped, and her eyes went wider than I knew possible before she said, "Where would you want me to go? I have nowhere. At least here I know that I am on the right path and safe."
It was my turn to be in disbelief.
"You want to stay here forever? You don't want to come back home?"
"You would let me? After everything I've done, you would let me?"
"Of course I would. You're our mother. Now like I've said, you need to take care of you first, and also I would like to bring Shelby out here for you to explain, but eventually, yes, I would love for you to come back home."
She jumped into my arms like a child would, rocking back and forth.
"You have no idea what you have just given me."
"You're right, because I haven't given you anything that wasn't entirely yours to begin with."
"No, child, for the first time since I can remember, I have hope again."
Chapter 20
During the flight home I wore a smile. Nothing about that trip went as I had planned. I didn't get closure. If anything a door opened that had been dead bolted shut for more years than I wanted to remember. The idea of bringing Shelby back there was even an exciting one. Our mother was on her way to being exactly what Shelby never had and always deserved.
When I thought about my reservations for coming I only had Canyon to thank for pushing me. He always seemed to know exactly what I needed, and it was time I stop thinking about myself in the whole situation with Brooke and be there to support him.
Pulling into the driveway that night, the headlights from my truck must have come through the windows of the house because seconds later Shelby and Canyon were outside to greet me. With her cast and all I still managed to pick her up and swing her around, so happy to have her in my arms again. Canyon waited patiently for his turn, but then shocked me when he picked me up and swung me just as I had done with Shelby.
"You're finally home."
"I was gone for less than forty-eight hours."
"Being away from you for a minute kills me."
"When's your next event and how long will you be gone?" Sarcastically, I threw that question at him knowing he was going to understand my point. He set me down and grabbed my face.
"I quit, so there's no need to even worry about that."
Talk about spinning a conversation in his favor. I jerked back. "You did what?"
"I quit."
He walked away and grabbed my bag off the front seat while my jaw fell open. When he came back toward me, his smile hit me like a Mack truck. With each step he took it seemed to grow until he paused at my side and said, "I have a lot more to focus on than being the best rider in the world, Ari. You made that point, and I agree. Now let’s get in the house. I made dinner and left a plate for you, if you're hungry," before he walked to the house.
I turned to Shelby and asked, "Did you know about this?"
She giggled as she said, "I sure did" and then grabbed my hand. "Let's go inside and you can tell me all about your trip."
I let her pull me all the while trying to think of what to say. Should I tell her that I lied to protect her, or continue with the story Canyon and I built?
Once inside, I distracted her by asking what they did that day. She and Canyon told me about the mall they drove to which had Shelby jumping from her chair and climbing the stairs to bring me all the things they got. As soon as she was out of ear shot, I grabbed Canyon's hand.
"What do I tell her about this weekend?"
"What do you mean?"
"She wants details. Do I let her know the truth?"
"Hell, I don't know. What if your mom relapses?"
"I don't think it's like that at all. She is on the right path when it comes to her meds. The doctors there are making sure of it."
"So are you saying you want to tell her?"
"Should I?"
"That's gotta be up to you. If you think she's ready to hear about it, then I guess that's what you should do. But just know, she will want to be on the next flight out."
"I promised my mother I would give her time."
"Then you might want to think about that too."
"You're not helping me here."
"Y
es, I am. I’m just not making your decision for you. I can't."
Just when I was going to respond, the sound of Shelby clunking down the steps happened. I gave him a helpless look before she entered the room with her arms full of clothes.
"Holy crap!" I looked back at Canyon. "You got her all of that?"
His smile went all the way to his eyes.
"I couldn't help it. She wanted me to."
"Shelby!" I scolded. "You don't ask people to buy you things. Especially that much. You took advantage of Canyon's generosity."
"No, she didn't."
"No, I didn't!"
"The two of you, ugh!"
"I picked it all out and asked if she would like it. That's not taking advantage of me at all."
I shook my head back and forth while I sorted through the items. They really were all very cute pieces. I held one dress up and Shelby grabbed the bottom.
"This is my favorite too. Don't you just love it?"
"I actually do. This is precious."
"See! I did good."
I got up and walked over to him, kissing him softly. "Yes, you did. Thank you for spoiling her."
"She's not spoiled. She appreciates it. That's different."
"Are you going to argue with me about everything or just say you're welcome?"
"I think arguing sounds more fun."
He patted my nose with his index finger and then walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a plate.
"Are you hungry?"
"Starved, actually."
"Then let me feed you."
Hours later Shelby was asleep and we had avoided the conversation about our mother. Now it was time to understand why he quit the PBR.
Both of us were lying in bed ready for sleep when I rolled over to face him.
"Did you finally talk to Brooke? Is that why you are quitting?"
His eyes went to the ceiling of the room.
"I left a message like you said and she called me this afternoon. I'm driving to meet with her in the morning."
My hand reached for his and then intertwined our fingers.
"I am here now. Like fully invested here for you. No more selfishness will stand between us, Canyon. I love you, and I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about this."
The moonlight cast just enough through the windows that I watched a single tear stream down his face. Quickly, his hand pulled from mine to wipe it away. I crawled on top of him and brushed his cheek with my own.
"Don't take my job from me. These tears are for me to wipe, because I'm here for you now, and I'm sorry I wasn't before."
His body began to shake as he finally broke.
"I'm just petrified of how much this is going to hurt. It already hurts so much. I don't know if I can take it, Ari. I already lost my parents. I shouldn't have to lose my son too."
"No, you shouldn't, and I'm so sorry."
His whole body shook under me as he broke and the sounds coming from him shattered me. He shouldn't have had to handle any of this alone and I hated myself for forcing him to for so long.
I held him without another word spoken until his breathing labored, and I was certain he was asleep. Only then did I let my tears fall.
No one deserves to be in this position. No parent should have to make this choice. I am not the most religious and certainly there have been times I have questioned if God truly exists, but it was time to hold on to my faith, leaving this in His hands, while He stripped the burden from the two people that created the very miracle in question.
When morning came I was still laying on Canyon's chest. I couldn't believe we never once shifted in our sleep to find our own space. I opened my eyes and found it still dark out. Not knowing what time it was, I tried to stay still and go back to sleep when I felt him stir and then his fingers were running through my hair.
"Good morning, handsome."
"Good morning to you, too. God, it feels good still having you in my arms. It means it wasn't just a dream."
"Nope. I'm yours until you don't want me anymore," I teased.
"That’s never gonna happen."
I glanced over at the clock and saw it was five-thirty.
"Not trying to change the subject, but do you need some help in the barn?"
"Not yet. I'm not ready to move."
I settled my head back down on his chest.
"Good, I'm not either."
We lay quiet for a few minutes before I heard his breathing mellow out and thought he fell back asleep, only I felt him grow underneath me. I wasn't sure if he needed to go to the bathroom or if I was the cause. Curiosity won over. Lifting my hips, I moved down to line myself up just to feel him closer. I swore to myself I was going to stop there, but my body wasn't listening. I started to move over him, rubbing back and forth.
"Hmmmm."
I went still when I realized he was awake and I had been caught. Embarrassed, I buried my face in his chest.
"Don't you dare stop."
His hands landed on my hips and started moving me over him, rubbing me in just the right spot and then, without warning, he flipped me onto my back under him.
"I need this right now, and unless you can come up with a good reason we shouldn't—"
I cut him off and used the only word that came to mind. "Please."
Within seconds he was inside of me. I was wrapped within his arms, sharing something that had always been taken away from us the day after. In the moment of passion, I prayed that God wouldn't strike us with more grief. That the two of us weren't damned from the start.
His body rocked with mine to a rhythm only those that are linked together with their hearts first can understand. Every touch, pull, kiss, breath—it's all different. Sex can be just that, but when you make love everything is magical.
Our bodies were covered in sweat as we rolled around his bed, taking every part of each other in.
"Are you okay? I'm not being too rough with you, am I?"
I looked into the eyes that I trusted my soul with and answered, "You could never hurt me."
"You're damn right about that."
He rocked harder but not to any point it would bring pain. His thrusts only ignited a place within me that burned for him. His hands traveled under my arms and clasped the back of my head, pulling me up to kiss him. I was lost in pleasure. Time became irrelevant as we explored each other’s wants and needs. When his breathing became rapid, I knew what was coming. The look in his eye was one I will never forget. What I didn't expect was a shift in his angle that was rubbing a spot inside of me that no one had ever told me about. I grabbed onto his back and dug my fingers in, riding the wave of an orgasm I wasn't even prepared to have. I threw myself back on the sheets and let my arms fall over my head as he slammed into me over and over. Gripped onto my thighs, he pushed one last time deep within me before he jerked himself back and spilled out on my stomach.
We looked at each other in disbelief over just how amazing that was.
"I am so in love with you."
"Good, because I'm never letting you go. Well, don't hold me to that until after I clean you up."
He jumped off and ran to the bathroom grabbing me a towel. Once we were sure the mess was gone, the towel was thrown into a corner on the floor and he climbed back in bed, wrapping me back in his arms.
"All right, now you can start."
Chapter 21
After our morning chores, Canyon left to go meet with Brooke while I made sure Shelby got to school and headed for my classes. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. Was he going to support her? Would Brooke be open to at least sharing her fear with him so together they could carry the weight and he maybe could see her side? I didn't know and it was eating me up.
I held hope that I would run into them somewhere on campus. Not to insert myself, but it would have been something to just read the mood of the conversation instead of being clueless. I hated being on the outside even though I had no place being anywhere else.
After leaving my second class I glanced down at my phone hoping maybe I missed a call or text. Nothing. Maybe that was a good thing. If they were really talking this out, he wouldn't have had time yet.
"Hey. About the last time I saw you. It wasn't you I was angry with. She's..."
I glanced up to see Tonya.
"I'm sorry, are you talking to me?"
One look said she was annoyed by my response.
"Of course I'm talking to you."
And again with the attitude.
"Why?"
"Because I've felt bad ever since that day for how I treated you. None of this is your fault, and I shouldn't lump you in to their fuckedupness."
Maybe if she had a tone other than snide I might believe a word out of her mouth.
"Is that even a word?"
I threw her attitude only because there was nothing in me that felt she deserved anything else.
"Look, I'm not the mean bitch that I have been with you. It's just that you don't know what's really going on, and I don't know how to protect you from all of this..."
I was floored that she felt she knew anything about the situation when who the hell was she other than the school gossip? And as far as protecting me? She could shove that idea.
"Did you know their baby is dying? Did you know the doctors are trying to get her to abort him? You are the one who has no idea..."
"Wait! What?"
"Exactly. You are the one who doesn't know anything, so keep your apology, and give it to the girl who deserves it."
I attempted to walk away, but she grabbed my arm. When I turned, I saw tears in her eyes.
"Are you sure?"
I jerked my arm away.
"Yeah, I'm certain. Now you listen to me. Don't you dare go spreading this across campus. This is none of your damn business, and it needs to stay that way."
She wiped the few wet spots off her face before she began to walk away, only to turn back and say, "That baby is more my business than you will ever know."
And then she disappeared into the mass of students in the hall, leaving me clueless yet again. How on Earth did she have any connection to the baby? She was delusional, plain and simple. The best thing I ever did was choose to stay as far away from Tonya as I could.
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