Let it be Us

by Barbara Speak

  Am I? I needed Canyon. He could help me calm down and wrap my head around all of this. I must have been thinking too long because hearing, "Arianna?" snapped me back to the conversation.

  "Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking."

  "This is unexpected, I'm sure. Would you like me to pretend we didn't have this conversation and you can take a little time to think this through?"

  I wasn't sure that was the right decision either. Making her stay longer seemed cruel if John was the one to blame for all of her behavior to begin with.

  "Can I have tonight? I just need to figure out how throwing her back in Shelby's life can be a good thing. I had planned to bring her up there and ease her into all of this. Not surprise her with a mother she won't recognize."

  I could hear papers rustling around before he spoke.

  "Nothing about what you are saying isn't true, and I admire your maturity in this. Growing up on your own has done you some good, Arianna, even if the circumstances were less than to be desired. Tomorrow will be fine, but if you need more time, take it."

  "Thank you, sir. I will be in touch."

  "You're welcome. Goodbye."

  I looked out over the Commons as kids walked to and from class. Some laughing, some listening to music with ear buds in, canceling out the world. Were any of them facing the same issues? Of course the answer is no, but to each individual, stress can feel the same, no matter the magnitude of the situation.

  I knew it was time to head to my last class of the day, but once again my mind would be somewhere else. I wasn't sure school was the right place for me anymore. With everything going on maybe taking a break was the best idea.

  When I got home that night with Shelby the house was empty just like he said it would be. After fixing her a snack, I decided to make dinner to give me some sort of distraction. I called Canyon but got his voice-mail once again. I couldn’t help but stew over it and wasn't sure if bringing our mother here was the right thing at all. But the one person who could answer that was sitting in the family room watching Monster High.

  "Hey, Shelby! Would you mind taking a break and coming in here for a second? There's some things I would like to talk to you about."

  The TV went silent and then as each step was heard coming closer my stomach turned over. This wasn't going to be easy, but I had to do something.

  "Yeah, what's up?"

  She sat down at the kitchen table giving me her undivided attention. I pulled the chair next to her out and sat, clasping my hands in front of me.

  "I want to talk to you about Mom. I don't..."

  "Did you find her?" Her entire face lit up the second the word mom came out.

  "Yes, I did. She has been in a place getting better all this time." I was careful to not elaborate on exactly where being that it might all be over her head. "I need to know how you feel about seeing her again. Would you like to..."

  She jumped from her chair and grabbed my arm, pulling me.

  "Let's go. Can I see her now?"

  When I didn't budge she got frustrated.

  "Arianna, come on! I want to see her!"

  "We can't right now. She's far away. Will you please sit back down so we can talk?"

  She plopped down in the chair and folded her arms across her chest.

  "I'm very happy to see you so excited, but you need to know that things will be different now. She's not the same as you remember. If she comes here—"

  "If?"

  "Okay, when she comes here, I don't want to rush into anything. I think it would be best if she stays at the house and you stay with me. That way we can just take everything slow."

  "Well, duh. I'm not living with her unless you're there. Who would take care of me?"

  I reached out and took her hand in mine.

  "She wants to. She's willing to be the mom you didn't have before, Shelby. The mom you deserve to have."

  She jerked her hand back.

  "She wants to take me away from you?"

  And that's when I knew this was just as hard as I anticipated it would be.

  "Not take you. That's not what any of this is about. She just wants to be part of your life. A big part. Mothers should have a bond with their children that is untouchable. No one should be able to come between a mother and a child."

  "Like we have?"

  I smiled and looked at her with appreciation she would never understand for what she had just given to me.

  "Yeah, just like what we have. So please don't think that when she gets here there is any type of competition going on. What bonds you may have with her don't take away from what we have. There is enough love in your heart for all of us."

  "How is she going to be different?"

  "Well for one thing, she talks a lot."

  “She does?

  "Yeah, and she's kinda funny sometimes too."

  "Really?” Shelby's excitement was growing with each second that passed.

  "Uh huh. She can..."

  Just then, the back door swung open and Canyon walked in covered in mud. He must have been working the property, but I never got to ask before Shelby jumped from her chair and into his arms screaming, "My mom is coming home!"

  He looked at me confused but never let her in on it.

  "No way, punkin. That's amazing!"

  She jumped down and looked up at him beaming. "Yeah, and she's going to live next door so I can see her anytime I want."

  "She is, huh? Wow. Oh, I totally forgot to tell you, but Nyah looked sad today when I was out there."

  Shelby put her hands on her hips and stared at him.

  "If you want me to go away so you can talk all you have to do is ask me."

  I held my laugh in while I watched Canyon's shock appear on his face.

  "Well then I guess I should have just said, ‘Hey, Shelby, beat it.’"

  "At least you're being honest."

  She smiled as she walked past him and out the back door. I expected Canyon to make some joke about her sass, instead he turned to me boiling mad and asked, "What the hell does she mean your mother is coming back? You didn't even want to talk to me about this?"

  I shook my head back and forth in disbelief. Was he seriously mad? Why?

  "Yes, I did actually, and I even called you. Guess what I got? Your voice-mail again."

  "I told you I had stuff to do."

  "And I said that was fine. That doesn't mean plans and things don't change. Nothing is set in stone anyway. I talked to her doctor and asked for more time."

  "Time? For what?"

  "She wants out, Canyon. She wants her family back."

  "And you just said sure?"

  "No. I just told you I said I need time."

  "And I just asked you, time for what because I clearly heard Shelby tell me that she's moving back in the house. So correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you have already made up your mind."

  "What is your problem here? Did I do something to piss you off?"

  "No, why?"

  "Because it seems like you're out to fight with me over this and what I really need from you is support."

  "It's kind of hard to give you that when you clearly didn't need it before..."

  "See! That! What the hell is up with that? You obviously have a problem—"

  "You want to know my problem? I will tell you. No one asks me anything. You just do whatever suits you, and I am supposed to sit back and say nothing. Well I'm tired of it. I thought we talked about taking Shelby to see her first and warm her up to the all of this. What happened to that?"

  "That was the plan, but she and I talked and..."

  “She and you talked. How are we supposed to be an us when clearly it's all about you?"

  "I didn't think you would care if—"

  "That's just it. You didn't think. Of course I care. If your mom comes back, how do we fit in? Will she get guardianship back? That little girl is ours, and I'm not giving her up. I'm already losing my son; I won't lose her too!"

  The chair in fro
nt of him was tossed across the kitchen floor as I watched him let his rage out. And there it was. He was scared. I walked to him slowly and held my hand out for him to take. Once his fingers linked with mine I brought them up to my heart.

  "I'm scared too. I don't know if this is the best thing for her, but I have to try. You of all people understand what losing her would mean to me, but bringing our mother into her life again doesn't have to be a bad thing. You still own the house, and as of now I hold guardianship over her. If this ends up a mistake we still have control. It's not slipping away from us, Canyon. We hold it all."

  "We. That's all I want is for us to stay that way. I can't lose you, and it felt like you...” He swallowed and then looked at me unable to finish.

  "It will always be us. Nothing will change that."

  "I just don't see this playing out as the homecoming you both do. Sure, Shelby is excited to have her mother back, she was abandoned by the woman over a year ago and has probably blamed herself for it, but what happens when the excitement wears off? She will see it for what it was and be furious. I thought we decided to ease her back into all of this, not throw it at her."

  "You act as if I don't know how our mother will react, and I wouldn't except for the fact you talked me into going to see her. You are the one that said I needed answers. Well I got them. She is going to be better."

  “Is she? Or does some small part of you hope to have the mother you always wanted too?"

  He was right. I guess my own joy of having a mother clouded Shelby's best interest.

  "I told the doctor I would need to think, and you're right. Maybe we should take her there and let them talk before we take the plunge and bring her here."

  "I think that's the best option."

  He pulled me to him and kissed my forehead before he whispered, "I love you." But all I could think was maybe somewhere in all of this Canyon's fear of losing us was clouding his judgment as well.

  Chapter 28

  The trip he had planned for us that weekend was never discussed again. Instead we used the time to bring Shelby to see our mother. At first she didn't understand why we had to fly to her when she was going to be coming to Montana to live. Canyon and I sat Shelby down and explained that it would be best if instead we got to talk to her and let her decide where she wanted to live. I never felt comfortable with the idea of Shelby knowing about her mental illness, but in the end after talking to the doctor, he explained that it was the only way she could take the blame off of herself for the abandonment she went through. Canyon had been right.

  The flight was an interesting one filled with questions about anything and everything except what we were headed toward. We discussed Shopkins, Monster High and how to make a baby horse, but nothing, and I mean nothing, about our mother. By the time we made it into the cab, Shelby's leg was bouncing up and down, and I knew she was finally accepting what was about to happen because she went dead silent. All that talk on the flight was working as a distraction from this moment. Canyon looked down at her knee and then back up to me before he took my hand in his. It was nice having him there with me to help carry some of the stress.

  Seeing the building come into view sent my heart racing and Canyon’s grip got tighter. We were all apprehensive, but there was no turning back. As we pulled up to the front of the building, Canyon leaned forward and paid the driver while I got out and reached for Shelby's hand.

  "You ready, kiddo?"

  "She's really in there?"

  "She sure is. Let's go surprise her!'

  I had asked her doctor to let our visit be a secret. I wanted Shelby to see a genuine reaction when our mother first laid eyes on her. Canyon needed to witness it too. He still had reservations even though we had talked throughout the week about it. Something didn't sit well, and I was sure it was his fear of losing Shelby too, but when they both saw how happy our mother would be I knew they would feel better.

  We waited for Canyon on the sidewalk and then Shelby took her place in between us, grabbing on to our hands for security. I remember feeling just as nervous walking in for the first time. At least Shelby knew she could trust me, and I would never lead her into something unsafe.

  The three of us walked into the lobby still hand in hand and were greeted by a different woman than the one I had met before.

  "Hello. My name is Arianna Dubray and we are here to visit Camille McCormick. Would you be kind enough to let her doctor know?"

  Her smile was pleasant and she said, "We have been expecting you." Leaning over the desk she looked down. "And you must be Shelby?"

  Shelby's eyes lit up with the recognition of her name.

  "Yes that's me!"

  The smile was shared.

  "Well aren't you just a doll. We need more youngens with that perk. Why don't you all take a seat over there, and I will have someone escort you in a minute."

  She pointed to the couch I knew all too well. Canyon was looking around, taking it all in with an expression that clearly read unease. I sat between the two of them, grabbed his hand, and squeezed. Whispering in his direction, I said, "This isn't what you're thinking. You've gotta have faith in me that I'm making the right decision. And I need you to support me on this, please."

  He opened his mouth to say something, but Dr. Freshan came into the room keeping him silent.

  "Hello, Arianna! I am so glad you chose to come!" His right hand came out to shake my hand and then he looked to Canyon.

  "Doctor Freshan, I would like you to meet Canyon Michaels."

  He offered his hand and Canyon took it, shaking it a little harder than was probably necessary.

  "Canyon, it is very nice to meet you."

  Shelby sat next to me watching Dr. Freshan's every move.

  "Thanks for inviting us out."

  "I will do everything I can to ensure Camille is where she needs to be. Now—" he locked eyes with Shelby "—how are you doing, Shelby?"

  She looked uncomfortable and answered as simply as she could with, "Good."

  The doctor must have sensed her wall because he instantly tried to tear it down. "Did you have a good flight? Have you ever been to Minneapolis before?"

  She wasn't having small talk. If anything she started to pull inward more and more. I knew the only thing that was going to help the situation was the very person we were there to see.

  "Is Camille ready for us?"

  Doctor Freshan smiled as he looked at me. "I am grateful I personally get to witness this. It’s not often we experience happy endings. Yes, follow me, if you're ready?”

  I went to stand immediately, but I noticed I was the only one. Looking at Shelby I could now feel the hesitation coming from her.

  "It's okay. We are both here for you."

  Turning back to Canyon only to see a fake notion of confidence as he said, "We gotcha, princess. Let's do this."

  He got up and walked the few steps to her, holding out his hand for her to take.

  She reluctantly let him pull her to her feet, and I stood after. I knew her fear all too well from my own experience as I rubbed her shoulders to calm her nerves, but the end was so close I could taste it.

  "We're ready when you are."

  The doctor walked to the door and slid his key card while Shelby and Canyon stood back cautiously. Once the buzzer sounded, the four of us passed through. I wasn't sure if walking in front would allow them to see my confidence or staying behind them showed more support. In the end I just walked and let them decide where they wanted to be. I reached her door before the two of them which proved their insecurities, but they were about to get the answers they needed.

  "I would normally say let me go in first but for this I don't think warning is necessary."

  He opened the door, and I glanced in, finding my mother in a chair, reading a book. I guess she assumed it was a worker who had come in because she never looked up. Clearing my throat did the trick, though. One second she was relaxed and reading, in the next the book went flying across the room and s
he was running into my arms.

  "Arianna! You are here!"

  I hugged her tight, feeling the welcome she was giving me until her body went stiff. She was facing them, not me, and it was clear who her eyes landed on before she whispered her name, "Shelby?"

  I was let go and watched as our mother dropped to her knees in front of my little sister. Her shaking hands rose to meet with Shelby's cheeks as she cupped them. Tears fell from eyes as I took this reunion in.

  "Oh my God, my precious baby is here. You're here. Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you!"

  She let go of her face, only to grab her shoulders and pull her into her arms, rocking back and forth. The bellowing cry that came from Shelby shook all of us to the core. Canyon was even wiping his face.

  The two of them held on to each other for dear life until their strength gave way. Slowly, my mother came to stand on her feet but with Shelby still in her arms. She looked at me and softly spoke, "Thank you for this" as she carried her into the room and sat her on the bed. The rest of us followed them in, watching Shelby struggle to catch her breath. Our mother’s hands found their place on Shelby's face again as she went on and on about how grown up she was and how much she had missed. Shelby absorbed it all with a smile that will never leave my memory.

  I felt Canyon's hands wrap around my waist and then his breath on my neck.

  "You were right. This is magical."

  He kissed below my ear and then pulled me closer as we watched what can only be compared to a child visiting Disney World.

  Shelby never fired off questions about why she left. She didn't even ask why our mother was acting so different. She simply accepted the change for the better.

  "Hey, Mom, excuse me for a second, but do you remember Canyon? He lives next door to the house you bought in Montana."

  She turned to face us focusing on Canyon. "I don't think we were ever formally introduced. My name is Camille."

  I moved to the side.

  "It's a pleasure meeting you, Camille."

  "So you have the horses?"

  I knew that one question was going to open up plenty for them to talk about, so I snuck over to see Shelby.