Camp Rewind

by O'Brien, Meghan

  “I’ll have to take your word for it.” Pleased to have learned a new skill that suited her better than horseback riding, Rosa lined up another shot and landed it in the bottom corner of the tiny black circle. “This is fun.”

  “You should think about joining your local archery club. They’ll be able to offer you further instruction and practice time. You could even get into competitions, if you wanted.” He shrugged as though suddenly worried he sounded like a dork. “I belong to a club in the East Bay. It’s a good time.”

  Rosa questioned the wisdom of getting involved in another potentially male-dominated hobby even as she hated herself for thinking that way. She smiled politely at Nick, appreciating his belief in her natural ability if nothing else. “Maybe I will.”

  “Everyone at my club is really cool. I don’t think anyone would, you know…Give you a hard time. Or anything.”

  Nick’s precision in addressing the source of her concern alerted her that she had, potentially, just been recognized. Again. Heart pounding, she was too frightened to simply drop the charade. “Why would anyone give me a hard time?”

  Nick blinked, then looked down. “Lila. Right. Sorry.” He shook his head.

  Shaken, Rosa set her bow on the counter and turned to leave. “I should go.”

  “Wait,” Nick called to her back. “Please. You are Rosa Salazar, aren’t you?”

  Still raw from her earlier encounter with the two drunks, Rosa’s roiling anxiety morphed into swift, sudden anger. “Leave me alone!”

  “I didn’t watch it!” Nick sounded panicked, probably worried that she was marching off to report him to Marcia. “The video, I mean. I didn’t look at the pictures, either. I wouldn’t. It was wrong for them to steal that stuff, wrong to post it, wrong for anyone to look. Besides, I liked your article.” He lowered his voice when Rosa froze in place and finished by muttering, “Even if that game was pretty fun. At times.”

  Uncertain whether he was being sincere, Rosa glanced over her shoulder to gauge the likelihood that she’d actually encountered the rarest of creatures: a random young male supporter in the wild. Steeling her nerve, she decided that her cover was already blown. Might as well see what happens. “You’re right. It had its moments. Shame they had to ruin it with all that misogyny.”

  “I agree with you. I wouldn’t want my sister in the room with me while I played, that’s for sure. I also don’t want my baby daughter exposed to games like that, once she’s old enough to start playing with Daddy.” Apparently picking up that his mention of a child had lowered Rosa’s guard slightly, Nick pulled his phone from his jeans and called up a snapshot of a cherubic, dark-haired infant with her father’s eyes. “I’ll admit, I didn’t recognize that shit when I was a teenager, but now I do. The way games portray women sometimes, the actions they might allow you to take…well, it can be really immature. And probably unhealthy.” He tucked his phone back into his pocket. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you that you deserve a lot of credit for saying what you did—and…not any of the bullshit I know they’ve put you through.”

  Touched, Rosa whispered, “Thanks. I…” She forced back the tears that blurred her vision. “Honestly, I don’t hear that a whole lot. Online, yeah, but in real life…for whatever reason, usually only men who hate me recognize me. Or the ones who enjoyed that stupid video.”

  “Shit, you’re brave as hell. I can’t imagine being the object of that much scrutiny, online or otherwise. I’d probably hide under my bed and never leave the house again.”

  Rosa laughed, a mirthless sound that rang hollow in her ears. “Trust me, there were days in the beginning when I pretty much did exactly that. It’s still a struggle not to completely isolate myself, believe me.”

  “Well, you came here.” Nick lifted his hands to gesture at their surroundings. “That took balls.” He winced, most likely remembering her feminist credentials. “Pardon the expression.”

  “Sure, I came here, but under a fake name, and with a haircut it killed me to get.” Rosa touched her bob in a show of mourning for her previously long, wavy locks. “Not that my pathetic attempt at a disguise ended up working. At all.” For someone who wasn’t well-known enough to get recognized on a daily basis in the bustling Bay Area, her current track record at Camp Rewind was nothing short of disastrous. “You’re the second person to recognize me today.”

  Nick’s forehead creased. “The other guy wasn’t a dick, was he?”

  “Just a little one,” Rosa answered, cracking a smile at her pointed innuendo. “Tiny, I’m sure.”

  Nick snorted, then laughed heartily, clearly relieved to have gotten on her good side. “Nice.”

  “Well, he was obviously overcompensating for something.”

  “Pretty sure that’s true of most trolls.” Nick shrugged and smiled shyly. “You know, the problem isn’t your haircut. You just…have a uniquely pretty face. It’s your eyes, I think—and the dimple.” He cleared his throat and backed away a step, as though to demonstrate that he wasn’t trying to get creepy. “They’re distinctive.”

  “Lucky me.” But Rosa couldn’t help but grin, genuinely warmed by the compliment. “Sadly, it’s not practical to wear sunglasses everywhere I go.”

  “Ah, well. Screw the haters and stand proud. You said your opinion and made your case. People are free to agree or disagree, and that should be the end of it.”

  How Rosa wished that were true. “In theory.”

  “I can’t be the only one who appreciates the crap women like you suffer through to try to make my favorite hobby more inclusive for my little girl. Just think of all the female gamers out there. Even if they never know your name, they’ll benefit because you had the guts to speak up on their behalf.” Nick extended his fist in an invitation to bump. “Don’t forget about them, all right? Next time some asshole gives you grief, remember my daughter. I hope I can raise her to one day speak her mind with as much courage and conviction as you have.” He lifted one shoulder in a sheepish shrug. “Just…don’t let those douchebags win. Be strong.”

  Rosa knocked her fist against Nick’s, grateful for the praise even if it fell a bit flat in the immediate aftermath of her ultimate act of cowardice. “I’m trying. Thanks.”

  “So other than being recognized, are you having a nice time here at camp?” Nick propped his hip against the counter, smoothly transitioning them to a less-charged topic. “Obviously the archery lesson has been the highlight so far…”

  “Obviously.” Taken aback by how liberating it felt to be out to someone besides Alice, Rosa mustered a genuine smile. “Camp’s been quite the experience.”

  “A good experience, or a bad one?”

  Rosa’s composure wavered as they skirted the edge of the topic that felt too painful to discuss, no matter how friendly Nick might be. “A little of both?” Hoping to gloss over the subject, she said, “Mostly good. I made some new friends, engaged in rollicking, old-fashioned, camp-style fun. I even got scolded by a counselor.”

  “Marcia?”

  Rosa laughed. “Nice guess.”

  Nick snorted and rolled his eyes. “Think you’ll come back for another session?”

  Rosa couldn’t imagine ever returning to the scene of her greatest crime. “Maybe.”

  “If you do, I’ve got your back.” Nick held up his counselor ID badge by the lanyard cord that encircled his neck. “You have no idea how much power and influence these credentials impart.”

  “Sounds impressive.”

  “Indeed.” Nick dissolved into a goofy smile, returning to his place of rest on the counter. “You going to the dance tonight?”

  Afraid she was being hit on, Rosa stayed noncommittal. “Yeah, I don’t know about that.”

  “If you do, come find me. My fiancée is working as a counselor this weekend, too. We’d be happy to hang out in your vicinity, you know, to keep an eye on everything. You’re actually, like, one of her heroes. She’s a gamer, too.”

  Genuinely overwhelmed to have scored such an
unexpectedly staunch ally, Rosa extended her hand to give Nick’s a firm shake. “Thank you, Nick. I really…” Rosa paused, momentarily thrown by her volatile emotional state, until she was sure she wouldn’t dissolve into tears. “Really appreciate that. More than you can possibly imagine.”

  “And think about that archery-club idea, all right?” Nick let go of her hand with a wink. “You really do have a knack for this.”

  Rosa laughed if only to keep herself from crying. She’d love to pursue archery—Alice, too. Why couldn’t her life be just that simple? “It’s fun. I’ll look up the club’s website, at least. I promise.”

  “If you live nearby, I belong to an organization in Berkeley. We’d love to see you there.”

  Rosa backed away, not prepared to make any decisions until she had her head together. “I’ll think about it.” She pointed at where Nick had stashed his portable game console. “For now, I’ll let you get back to Stealth Inc.”

  He heaved a sigh. “Great. Back to feeling like a slow, uncoordinated dullard.”

  “I believe in you.”

  That earned her a chuckle. “Gee, thanks.”

  Rosa left the archery range feeling both better and worse than when she’d arrived. Better, naturally, for having had a positive encounter with a young man who knew all about her unfortunate claim to fame. Worse, because although Nick had clearly intended for his compliments about her strength and courage to lift her spirits, the past twenty-four hours had left her feeling the polar opposite of brave. As passionately as she’d once believed—and perhaps still believed—that Alice would be better off without her, the act of cutting her loose no longer felt altruistic, but cowardly. Yes, she was genuinely afraid to see Alice suffer because of her past, but her own fear of losing someone else she cared about to the nightmare of Internet trolling overrode everything else. Particularly because, unlike with Luis, this time she wasn’t risking the loss of someone she simply liked. Although they’d only just met, when it came to Alice, Rosa knew she would end up losing someone she loved.

  She had focused every moment of her romantic life since college on doing everything possible to avoid the same agony she’d experienced after losing her first real girlfriend. Even before she’d published that article. To finally go ahead and open her heart to someone—to Alice—at a time when she had no reason to believe any relationship could ever work out, because her life was basically in shambles…would that be valor, or stupidity?

  Lacking clear direction, Rosa had walked only a short distance past the stables when the wet, awful sound of someone retching into the bushes ahead brought her up short. She squinted, then experienced a jolt of amusement mixed with alarm when she realized that her chief nemesis from earlier—Jason, former fan of her amateur video—stood just off the trail, looking very sick indeed. He glanced up at her approach, warily, then turned without speaking to puke some more.

  “Loser,” Rosa muttered under her breath. She spun around to head back toward the main camp, thoroughly revolted by the undignified display. That’s the sort of asshat I’m allowing to dictate the terms of my life? Pathetic. She didn’t normally get the opportunity to see the worst of her tormenters face-to-face. Usually she dealt with anonymous threats over the Internet, as well as mean tweets, nasty emails, and venomous blog entries devoted to tearing her down. At one point she’d received a stream of unmarked, vividly handwritten letters in her post-office box, before she’d changed her address. Even if the degrading, mean-spirited, oftentimes threatening words frightened her when they seemed to come from faceless, shadowy enemies, she suspected that the vast majority of the men who had vowed to rape and / or murder her were every bit as impotent as Jason. They posed no real threat to her safety or that of a potential love interest.

  But all it would take is one maniac. Rosa swallowed, still no closer to finding her inner peace on the subject. Or if not that, how about six months’ worth of sexually violent imagery and threats delivered to Alice’s inbox? She’d leave. How many women would willingly submit to being terrorized, let alone sweet, anxious Alice?

  Still at a loss, she’d nearly circled back to the dining hall when an angry voice brought her to a stumbling halt. “Lila, get your scrawny ass over here right now!”

  Stopping dead, Rosa inhaled sharply at the sight of a visibly angry Bree storming in her direction. The reason for her dark mood seemed obvious. “You talked to Alice?”

  “Yeah, you think?” Bree reached Rosa and grabbed hold of her arm to pull her deeper into the trees. “What the hell, girl? You know, I get it if you don’t want to keep things going with Alice after tomorrow, but why say you’d keep seeing her if only your life weren’t so complicated? That doesn’t help.”

  “Because it’s the truth.” Losing the battle with her emotions, Rosa felt her tenuous control shatter at the disappointment written across Bree’s face. “I don’t expect you to understand.”

  “Good, because I don’t. Why dump her today?” Bree smacked her own forehead to imply that Rosa was boneheaded, she supposed, before huffing a dramatic sigh. “If you like the woman so much, why not enjoy one more night with her before you go?”

  “Because that would’ve been wrong.” When Bree started to protest, Rosa lost patience and shouted her down. “I didn’t want either of us to feel any worse than we already do! And I couldn’t go on acting like everything was cool when I knew it wasn’t! She was falling for me. I couldn’t let her do that.”

  “You’re a real hero.” Bree crinkled her nose in disapproval. “What’s so messy about your life, anyway? What are you so sure Alice isn’t woman enough to handle?”

  “It’s not about Alice being woman enough.” Rosa sighed, searching for a way to make Bree understand. Would it really hurt for one more person to know her story? At this point, she no longer cared about keeping secrets. At least not from Bree. “Okay. Where to start? Let’s see, my real name isn’t Lila. It’s Rosa, so…nice to meet you, I guess. Although there’s an excellent chance you’ve never heard of me before, I’m actually widely known on the Internet for all the wrong reasons.” She exhaled and covered her face with her hand, too embarrassed to offer a deeper explanation. “Without getting into details…the experience of being mocked, loathed, and threatened by what sometimes feels like the entire world isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy, let alone a woman I really, genuinely care about.”

  “But Alice knows the details?”

  Rosa nodded. “I told her the first morning, after we woke up together and she freaked out. It didn’t feel right to hide it.”

  “Then she’s perfectly aware of what she’s getting into.” Bree popped her eyebrows. “So what’s the problem? Believe me, shy Alice is willing to go to all sorts of lengths to show you that you’re worth it. She wants you to let her try.”

  “I know.” Angrily, Rosa pressed her forehead against the trunk of the nearest tree, then reared back to give herself a firm clunk to the front of her skull. “But I’m scared,” she whispered, and brought her arms up to hide her face against the rough bark. “All right?”

  “I know you are.” Bree’s voice softened as she stepped behind Rosa and wrapped her in a surprisingly gentle hug. “But I truly think you should give her a chance. There are no guarantees, of course, but she seriously likes you. I mean…a lot. If you like her, too…”

  “I do.” Rosa tried to cling to Bree’s words, desperate for a ray of hope to dispel the darkness she’d fallen into. “But I’ve only ever loved one person for real before, and losing her hurt so bad that I’ve basically spent my entire adult life until now avoiding serious relationships with women just so I wouldn’t ever have to feel that way again. I was so young then.” She paused. “I don’t think I could stand to lose Alice, too. And there’s so much standing against us, even beyond my bullshit.” Heart heavy, she mentally cataloged the list of reasons a relationship probably wouldn’t work. “She’s not out to her parents. Her mother is this domineering shrew—”

  “I
know, it’s not easy to trust.” Bree stepped back and patted her shoulder. “Alice seems to deserve a little of yours, though, from what I’ve seen of her. Shit, what if you just gave it a week? Even two. Call it a trial period and end things if it doesn’t feel right. Will you really feel any more heartbroken in two weeks, knowing you and Alice really can’t work, than you do right now?” She helped Rosa off the tree and led them to a nearby bench to sit down. “For all you know, she could be the love of your life. Or maybe not. It’s possible you’ll go out on a few dates and realize you’re better off as friends. Call me crazy, but it seems worth it to find out for sure.”

  Rosa could no longer remember why that would be impossible. Maybe it wasn’t? Then she recalled the worst of the threats she’d received, the ones that kept her up at night and sometimes led her to sleep with a knife under her pillow. “You have no idea how badly certain people despise me. So much that even my friends have been targeted in the past. Let’s say things do go great between me and Alice and my enemies don’t drive her away…her life will be ruined. All because she fell in love with me. I don’t know if I could live with that.”

  “Let her life be ruined.” Bree held Rosa’s hand in both hers, more serious than Rosa had yet seen her. “Alice is a grown-ass woman. You don’t get to decide whether she’s allowed to fall in love with you. That’s her choice—and she’s making it.”

  “But she doesn’t know—”

  “She knows she wants to give you a shot.” Bree squeezed her hand, then released Rosa from her grip. “Let her. If you feel anything for Alice at all, don’t treat her like just another fuck-and-run.”

  Rosa bristled. “I wouldn’t do that.”

  “No?” Bree sat back and folded her arms over her generous breasts. “Is that why Enid and I found her hiding in her bunk earlier, crying? Dumped the day after you popped her lesbian cherry? Like that’s all you were after?”

  Rosa was almost positive she couldn’t possibly feel any lower. “You’re right. I fucked up.”

  “Damn straight.”