They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  Drimblerod scowled. “Sure you would. You’d make a break for it the first chance you got. Then you’d run into some Magician’s apprentice and they’d haul you before the Grand Magicians Council. In a flash they’d have my name and where my shop is. Not a chance, sign,” he said. “Grim, since you made that thing” he pointed at the sign, “I want you to add a proximity spell to its Mechanimation.”

  “Proximity spell?” Asked Grimbledung.

  “Yes, it means ...” Began Drimblerod.

  “I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!” Howled Grimbledung.

  Dummy stopped his jig and cowered under his arms.

  “YOU CALLING ME STUPID?” Grimbledung’s face turned red, “Why do you want me to cast it on the sign?” He finished as he puffed out his chest, barely in control of himself.

  Drimblerod blinked at Grimbledung. “If you know what it means, how do you not know why I asked you to cast it on the sign?”

  Grimbledung mulled over the question and his red face turned into a blush. “I might not have been listening. I was thinking of other things,” he finished sheepishly.

  Drimblerod just gaped at his partner.

  Dummy uncovered his head and pointed to Grimbledung as he twirled his other mitten hand around where his ear would be.

  “Lucius.” Suggested Grimbledung.

  This time Drimblerod’s face turned red. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” He screamed. “Who’s Lucius?”

  “Have you ever met a Lucius that’s nice? Why do parents even name their sons that?”

  Drimblerod’s fist clenched the wand until his knuckles were a pale grey. “What does that have to do with anything? Why aren’t you paying attention? This is important shop business I’m trying to deal with and you’re daydreaming!”

  Grimbledung leaned against the sign. “Well you started it when you mentioned Big Julie being a guy’s name but only guys who are underhanded.” Explained Grimbledung. “That got me thinking of other names that always have a certain personality. Have you ever met a Lucius that was a good fellow?”

  “No.” Steamed Drimblerod.

  “How about a Farrah that wasn’t a total knockout?”

  “No” fumed Drimblerod.

  “A GreenBeard that wasn’t a tree?”

  “No” smoldered Drimblerod.

  “A Sharayah that wasn’t a little unstable?”

  “No.” Seethed Drimblerod.

  Grimbledung beamed. “See?”

  “How about a Grimbledung that actually pays attention. Ever met one of those? How about you pay attention to what’s going on right now.” He lowered his voice dangerously, “Now put a Proximity Spell on the sign so that the Mechanimation Spell won’t work if he’s more than 300 paces from you so he can’t try to get away but get caught by a Magician’s Apprentice in the process and then get tortured until he tells them where our shop is and the Magicians come here and torture us when they see how many Mechanimated things we’ve whipped up around here and we end up worse than dead all because you didn’t put a Proximity Spell on the sign like I asked you to because you were daydreaming instead of paying attention like you should have been.”

  Behind Grimbledung, Dummy held up his two hands, interlaced his thumbs and flapped his mitten fingers then pointed at Grimbledung’s head.

  “Dummy.” Drimblerod scowled. “I am not in the mood for your antics right now.”

  Grimbledung turned to see what Dummy was doing who immediately put his hands behind his head as if he were stretching.

  “Cast the spell so we can get the sign in place and get back to business. I’ll go grease the skids with the Haberdashery owner.”

  “We don’t have to slide it, it’s light enough to carry, I think...” Began Grimbledung.

  “Don’t start with me,” warned Drimblerod as he headed for the curtain, “just get that spell up and running."

  Grimbledung took out his wand. “So, a Proximity Spell. I can do that,” he said. “I cast one of them as part of a Lust spell on a tavern wench once. She’d go completely bonkers whenever she was within ten paces of me.” Grimbledung reminisced, “ ‘Course, when she finally figured out what I had done, I couldn’t get within the range of a crossbow from her. And that I don’t have to tell you, is a lot farther than ten paces.” Grimbledung thought back to his younger days when as a panhandler, he had made enough to carouse every evening. Or at least every other evening. Now as a reputable business owner he didn’t know if he was even allowed to carouse anymore. No canoodling? That can’t be right. I’ll have to talk to Drim about that.

  “How about you just say you cast the spell, and I promise not to run away?” Suggested the sign, bringing Grimbledung out of his introspection. “It could be our little secret.” The sign winked.

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Nope. Drimblerod asked me to do it and we’re partners, so I’m going to do it. Now be quiet so I can think up the spell.” Grimbledung put his hand on his chin as he thought. Casting spells required not only the right implement to channel the magical What’s This? but also the correct wording to make the spell work as intended. That was the difference between Magicians and Wizards. Magicians took a Levitate Wand and used it to pick up things. Wizards took any sort of Magical Wand and used it to channel What’s This? into a Levitate Spell. He mused on this and became completely confused. “That makes me a Magician then,” he thought sourly, “I hope that doesn’t mean I have to turn Drim into the Grand Council,” he said aloud.

  Beside him he heard the sound of scraping wood. The sign had scooted several feet away from him.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “I figured since you were day dreaming again, I should just get to work.”

  “I was not daydreaming” said Grimbledung, “Now stay still and let me think of the spell. If I do it wrong, you’ll end up a pile of splinters,” he warned. “So ...” He mused, “I’ll just Affix the Proximity Spell to me, then you’ll have to stay nearby.” He raised his wand and incanted

  Mechanimated Sign creat ...

  “Stop!” Interrupted the sign, “Do not make it you! What if you go on an errand?” The wheel on the sign spun until it was a blur. “What if you get killed? What if you go and join a traveling minstrel show? What if you get hit on the head and forget who you are and walk away? What if you get drunk and stagger off? Do not make it you!”

  Grimbledung lowered his wand. “Don’t be absurd Sign. None of those things can happen.” Grim reconsidered the list. “Wait, well, maybe that last one might, now that I think about it.”

  “Make it something that is here in the shop.” The sign paused for the slightest of moments. “Maybe something easily carried. That would be convenient!”

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Not likely, Sign. Then you’ll scoot off the first chance you get. I’ll make it something in the shop, but not something you’re liable to snatch and dash with.”

  “Well, I cannot believe you would even accuse me of such a thing!” Said the sign in a hurt tone.

  Grimbledung raised an eyebrow at it.

  The sign pressed on, “Why I am offended that you would even suggest that. I think that to make amends, you should just not put any sort of spell on me. That way we will both learn to trust each other and have a long and prosperous relationship.”

  “That was the biggest load of Trollwash I’ve ever heard” said Grimbledung as he stuck out his tongue. “Now keep quiet while I work this out. These types of spells can be tricky to cast and if it gets messed up, things can get ...” He tried to think of an appropriately catastrophic word. He couldn’t. “Messy,” he finished.

  Grimbledung thought for several minutes and waggled his wand at the sign. He then raised his wand in the air, cleared his throat and incanted

  Mechanimated Sign created by me-

  Talking, winking, spinning and smiling.

  All this you will do

  And you do it with glee!

  Grimbledung furrowed his brow as he concentrated

&nb
sp; You are now limited to a distance that I demand!

  Three hundred paces of mine, not a Ghillie Dhu, Ogre, or a wee Korrigan

  Farther than that, and Boom! Pow! Crash!

  Into a THOUSAND pieces will you smash!

  Affixed to the Shop morning, night and noon.

  Always tied to this here proximity-

  ‘Twill be thing that floats out front on the street. The Moon!

  THAT will keep you tied to this vicinity.

  Grimbledung hacked and slashed the wand at the sign.

  “WAIT! Is that not supposed to rhyme better than that?” The sign thrashed its one arm and scooted again, this time towards Grimbledung.

  Grimbledung finished the incantation with a vicious jab at the sign. “Uh-oh. Now you did it.” Grimbledung lowered his wand.

  The sign’s eyes got huge. “What did I do? You are the one that cannot come up with a decent rhyming incantation!” It flailed its one arm as the spinning wheel went back and forth. It clinked and clattered with the sound of a downpour of gold coins.

  “The spell worked, you stupid sign.” Said Grimbledung as he put his wand away. “There was nothing to see since I was just adjusting the spell that was already in place. Until you messed it up.”

  ‘What did I do?” Whined the sign. “What did I do? Am I going to explode? And what’s a Gilliedoo or a Corrigan? You were just making up words!”

  “Those are both fine and proper creatures,” said Grimbledung as he hefted the sign off the ground. “I said three hundred paces and that’s how the spell was prepared but since you moved closer to me, I don’t think three hundred paces is still your actual safe range.” He grunted as he waddled his way toward the curtain. “Maybe we should grease some skids or something.” When he got to the curtain he dropped the sign harshly.

  “What does that mean? Actual safe range? Are you saying that I have to be closer than three hundred paces to you? How much closer?” The wheel on the sign was a blur as it spun. “You stupid Gnome! You messed up a simple spell and I have to pay for it!”

  Grimbledung reached out and grabbed the spinning wheel. It screeched to a halt. “You messed up the spell by moving, sign,” he growled. “I’m not the stupid one moving when an incantation is taking place. That would be you.” He jabbed his finger at the sign with his other hand, “And because you called me stupid, instead of just making the spell make the Mechanimate stop working, I made it so you will explode!”

  “But you cast the spell before I called you stupid!” Howled the sign.

  Grimbledung drew his wand, “Who’s the more stupider one now?” He smirked mischievously, “Who’s more stupider now? So now your range is less than three hundred of my paces. How much less, well, the only way to tell is for you to start moving away. When you explode, that’s just a little too far.” He pointed the wand at the sign’s head. “Or maybe I’ll be the one walking away from you.” He narrowed his eyes.

  Stay

  he commanded as he touched the wand to the sign’s forehead. Grimbledung ducked under the curtain.

  The sign grunted and flailed his arm. “I cannot move. What did you do to me?” The sign asked. “Do not go too far, Gnome!”

  Grimbledung ducked back under the curtain with a wand in his hand. “This will do the trick. Work smartlier not hardlier” my Pappy used to say.

  “Those are not words,” complained the sign.

  “Can you make your own way to the Outfitters?” Asked Grimbledung. He gestured through the curtain with a slight bow.

  The sign grunted as it tried to move. “Hardly,” replied the sign.

  “That’s not a word” sing-songed Grimbledung as he jabbed the wand at the sign. It rose silently off the floor. Grimbledung moved to position himself behind the sign. “Let us go” he continued in the sign’s voice. “We must have to go to the store do not we?” He mimicked. Grimbledung motioned forward with the wand and the sign bounced off the wall beside the curtain.

  “I do not talk like that,” said the sign.

  Grimbledung ignored it. “Oh dear. What I do not know how that are been happened.” Grimbledung maneuvered the sign through the curtain. As Grimbledung ducked under the curtain, he took his eyes off the sign which bounced off the counter before floating to the open area in front of the sign.

  “You have made your point, Gnome,” said the sign. “I will behave myself and be glad for my existence.”

  Grimbledung snapped his fingers at the door. “Let us out, door. We’ve got a sign to put in place.” Dutifully the door swung open. “Make sure you lock behind us,” said Grimbledung as he swung the sign around the door jam and stepped through it himself.

  With a click the door locked.

  “Thanks, Gary.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Wherein Grimbledung Takes the Sign

  to the Haberdashery[9]

  Drimblerod was waiting with the Haberdashery owner when Grimbledung came through the door, sign in tow. “What took you so long? We’ve been waiting forever!” Scolded Drimblerod. “I was explaining to Pozzuoli here about our generous offer of an enchanted broom. Even though it’s our last one, I think the Pozz here really deserves it.”

  Grimbledung examined the shop owner, a haggard looking Dwarf who was twice his age if he were a day. Dressed in mismatched clothes and no shoes, he looked more like a prospector Dwarf in desperate need of a claim than a successful, respectable, shop owner. Of course, of the shops on the block, the Haberdashery was easily the most profitable. “Sorry about that. I had some trouble getting the sign out of the shop. I had to get a Levitator to help me move it.”

  Pozzuoli eyed the large sign. “I dinna know it would a-be so big. That’s a lotta floor space I’m a-giving up.” He rubbed his hands together in consternation. “The losses I will-a see. They will-a keep me up at a night,” he lamented.

  “Relax Pozz, at least you won’t be up late sweeping your floors.” Drimblerod nudged him in the ribs, “eh?”

  Pozzuoli scowled. He hated having to pretend to be from the wrong side of the volcano but the advantage it gave him over his business partners was substantial. Fretting and complaining, wringing his hands kept adversaries - which was what he considered business partners- believing he was slow witted when he would have wagered 100 gold coins that there wasn’t a creature smarter than him in all of Aution. “That is true, Mister Drimblerod. Say, whatta kind of a name is that? You are of the high country, no?” He asked innocently, knowing full well that with his accent, Drimblerod was from the lowlands, within two leagues of the Mostly Green Bog with how some of his endings dropped off when he was agitated. Nowhere near any sort of learning institution no doubt, since he had no understanding of the future perfect tense. ‘What do you mean how many signs are you going to have placed?’ Drimblerod had complained to him, ‘I haven’t placed any yet. Do you forget your Common?’ Pozzuoli bit his tongue at the whole poorly worded tirade. In any case, he had decided the novelty of a talking sign would bring in foot traffic so he agreed. “A talking sign? Ohhh, that would be amazing to a-see!” Was all he said in reply.

  “Hey, Pozzi, you awake or daydreaming during business dealings like my Partner does?” Drimblerod nudged him again. “So, where would you like us to put the sign?”

  “How about the Rectum?” Pozzuoli deadpanned without his accent as he moved to his cashbox. He quickly recovered, “How does that a-sound?” He pointed behind the counter.

  “Fine, fine. That works for me,” agreed Drimblerod. “Grim, move that sign over there by the Rectum.”

  “The what?” Grimbledung asked. He knew he had heard that word before but never when talking about things in a store. “Isn’t that the thing in that limerick? Grimbledung lowered the sign and assumed a poetic stance, hands clasped in front of him. He began to recite

  There once was a Gnomess from Windom,

  who had an unusually large...”

  Drimblerod bounded over and slapped Grimbledung’s ear. “Gads! What is wrong with you? W
e’re in the middle of a business deal and you’re going to spout tawdry poems?” He slapped Grimbledung’s ear again. “This Dwarf’s not from around here,” he whispered harshly.” It’s got be Dwarfish or something. Just get that sign over there before he changes his mind.” As he turned, he slapped Grimbledung’s ear again. “That’s for that silly pose you’re in!”

  Grimbledung rubbed his ear as he raised the wand. He aimed at the sign and maneuvered it behind the counter and against the wall. After a quick appraisal of his work, he nudged it away from the counter far enough that it did not keep someone from stepping behind the cash box. “How’s that?”

  “Say, that’s amazing! How you move-a that a sign with that little a-stick?” Pozzuoli said as he clapped his hands. A Levitation wand would sweeten the deal above and beyond the enchanted broom. Time to bait the hook, he thought slyly. “Hey, I justhaddathought. But what happens when Pozzuoli needs to sweep behind the sign? I cannot-a pick it up with my bad a-back. And the wife, she cannot-a pick it up because of the bad front. This won’t work at all.” He sighed loudly, wringing his hands. “I do not think the sign will a work there. No. It will-a not a work there at all.” He frowned as he leaned in to examine the sign. And the hook goes in the water he mused. “This is a good built sign. It can go in the street in front-a my store. The rain, she will not hurt this sign. Then I donna have to worry to sweep behind it. Yes?” And the hook dangles.

  Grimbledung smiled. “Mister Pots Wally....”

  “Pozzuoli” corrected the Dwarf.

  “Pozz volley,” Grimbledung tried again.

  “You a-makin’ fun of-a my name?” Pozzuoli narrowed his eyes at the Gnome. And a little chum to get the fish to bite.

  “No, no!” groveled Grimbledung, “Not at all. I was hit in the head you see. I wasn’t trying to make fun of your name” he considered making another attempt at the Dwarf’s name. With how red Drimblerod’s face was, he decided to cut his losses and spare his ear another whacking. “Good Dwarf,” continued Grimbledung, “we could just leave you this wand and then you can move the sign whenever you like. How does that sound?”