They Were The Best of Gnomes, They Were The Worst of Gnomes (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 1)

by Robert P. Wills

  SpitzWolf looked down at his young son. His pup. Large yellow eyes squinted as they met small yellow eyes. For long minutes they looked at each other. Marjory’s potion, unable to keep The Change from happening, kept Spitz’s mind and wits in his Wolf head. He took the reins and led the horses home. Once there, he jumped to the back of the wagon, past the still laughing Fate, and picked up his wife in his other arm. He looked from his son to his wife and back and released another long tormented howl. The nearby Orcs moved from their sitting rooms to their cellars. He moved her to their bed and placed his son beside her. SpitzWolf moved to the front room and collapsed in despair in front of the fireplace. In the morning he awoke and was once again just Spitz. He went to Marjory and hoped beyond all hope that last night had just been a dream brought on by the potion losing its hold on him

  Immediately, he saw that that not been the case. Marjory was sitting up in bed, a tan and brown tiger-striped bundle at her side. “He has his father’s eyes” she said.

  Such began a life of trials and errors, laughter and tears.

  The life of Akita Finnish.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Wherein the Constable Arrives at the Shop

  “They dead?” growled Akita. He was taking a nap in the sun when some fidgety Gnome had awoken him. This, he did not like. If people got in the habit of waking him up from naps to deal with legal issues, he would actually have to start earning his more than adequate Constable’s Salary. He was up for a longevity raise- Township Service Step 10- next month but that didn’t mean he wanted to work harder for it. That was clearly laid out in the Government Workers Guild (Local 414) bylaws; Section 4.3(b)1: ‘No additional work shall be expected in return for annual longevity raises.’ Akita didn’t make the rules but he (mostly) followed them, especially when they benefited him so well.

  Grimbledung hopped around Drimblerod to put the counter between him and Akita. “Yes, Mister Constable Akita,” he said. “They’re alive. I wasn’t lying to you!”

  Akita growled at him and turned to the other Gnome, who he was satisfied to see, seemed just as nervous. Nervous townsfolk tended to bother him less than friendly cheerful ones who would pop in for a chat. Although, he mused, he did appreciate the occasional mincemeat pie that was left at the Constabulary anonymously.

  “These two tried to rob us, Constable,” said Drimblerod, “and they robbed the store next door.”

  Akita looked down at the two humans. They were breathing. A growl started at the back of his throat. He didn’t stop it. “Whadda ya want me to do about it?”

  “Take them away?” Suggested Grimbledung. Akita turned to look at him again. His yellow eyes seemed to glow. Grimbledung ducked down to where his chin was resting on the counter, “Please?” He offered meekly.

  “Wherrredya want me to take them? The jail? Then I gotta watch them,” scowled Akita. He didn’t have to roll his ‘r’s but he enjoyed the reaction it got. “Howsabout you just turrrn ‘em into stools and you two can sits on them. Ya could use morrre stools in here.” It was a joke. Maybe these two Gnomes were the ones leaving the mincemeat pies. A joke might make another appear later in the day. Akita smiled what in he felt was the friendliest manner he knew to help the joke along. At least he considered it his friendly smile.

  Drimblerod gulped as the Constable bared his long fangs after suggesting the two thieves be Transmogrified into stools. From anyone else he would have considered that a joke. Now, it was more terrifying than funny. Drool hung off one side of Akita’s mouth. He seemed ready to devour any and all persons in the room.

  “Excuse me, Constable Akita,” said Nulu. “Should I go get the other shop keeper so you can have another witness to the crime?” Nulu finished as she moved to the door. “I can fetch him right now.” Nulu wanted nothing else than to be out of the same room as the Constable. The hairs on her back were standing straight out. Being a Trolless- there were a lot of them. Rumors were that Akita was not contagious but being a WereTrolless was something she did not even want to consider. “I’ll just be a jiffy,” she said as she exited the shop.

  On the street she moved quickly to Pozzuoli’s Haberdashery. She steeled herself and entered. Pozzuoli turned when he heard the sounds of bells chiming (there was a Pixie on a string that the door yanked about vigorously as it opened).

  “Ohhh, hello Señora Nulu. What-a can I do for a-you?” He said hopefully. Nulu’s steady income from her Bar and Restaurant meant she was always good for some mid-quality, high-profit-margin sales.

  “I just need you to come next door, Mister Pozzuoli,” began Nulu. She knew that it would be difficult to leave without buying something from the Dwarf so she cut to the chase. “You were robbed by those two Humans, then they tried robbing Second Hand Sorcery and the boys caught them.”

  Pozzuoli’s eyes widened. “Robbed ME?” He shuddered with rage, “Let’s go!”

  “Great, great.” Nulu agreed. “We’ll get to the bottom of this now”. Without thinking she added, “Now the Constable will have to take them in.”

  Pozzuoli stopped in his tracks. “The Constabulatore, he is a-there?”

  “Yes, he’s there to take away the two thieves. You need to identify them and your stuff. That’s all. You don’t have to go down to the Constable’s Office,” she assured the Dwarf.

  ‘You a-sure?” He asked then caught himself. “Wait-a minute. What I am a-saying? These two robbed me! Let’s go!”

  Nulu quickly moved to the door before the Dwarf could change his mind. She opened it and stepped through. With only a moment’s hesitation, Pozzuoli followed, slamming the door behind him leaving the Pixie to jingle furiously at an empty store.

  The two entered the shop, Nulu first- much to her displeasure as she was planning a discrete getaway. “Here he is, Constable,” she said.

  Akita was holding Peachey upside down and shaking him violently. There was a growing pile of loot forming under him. Peachey groaned as he came-to. He grunted as he was shaken again. A Bulls-Eye lantern dropped to the floor.

  “Hey! That’s-a my lantern!” Said Pozzuoli. “What-a you do with my lantern?” He shook his finger at Peachey.

  Finally, no more items dropped from Peachey so Constable Akita let go of his feet. Peachey landed in a heap and quickly got to his feet. “What do you think you’re doi ...” He started to say until his eyes met Constable Akita’s. Peachey paled and sat down roughly. “Do I get a lawyer?” He asked meekly.

  Constable Akita glowered down at him. “Lawyer?” He snarled. “I hate them almost as much as I hate thieves.” He looked up at Nulu. “I say we just eat them. Which do you want?” Another joke. Maybe the Stumbling Drunk was the supplier of the pies. He was in rare form today. Akita licked his lips and tried another smile.

  Nulu shuddered at the rows of teeth that greeted her. Still, she pressed on, “You don’t scare me that much, Akita.” She narrowed her eyes at the snarling Werewolf. “I pay my taxes which pays your salary. That means you work for me and I say you deal with these two thieves.” She stopped because that was the limit of her courage with Akita.

  Akita looked down at Peachey who was now helping Danny into a seated position. “I ate a big breakfast. I don’t think I could eat both of them.” He was on a roll now, he thought. Someone would have to laugh soon. He ran his tongue around his mouth, over his nose, and then let it hang down the side of his jaw. “I suppose I could save one for dinner.”

  “DON’T EAT US!” Pleaded Peachey. “Anything but that! I don’t want to become dog poop!”

  Constable Akita shook his head. It continued down his back and ended at the tip of his tail. He had gone to great pains to maintain a gruff image because it suited his work habits and lifestyle. Namely: the less work, the better for his lifestyle. To think that people actually believed he would eat them out of hand (so to speak) was appalling even to him. “I’m not going to eat you. You’d taste horrrrrible.” Not even a chuckle?

  Grimbledung could not help himself; he had been tryi
ng to contain it but finally was unable to; he let out a single chuckle: “Hah!” All eyes turned to him. Grimbledung’s eyes met Akita’s. The glowing yellow orbs seemed to have a glimmer. Whether it was mischief or hunger he was not sure. He smiled meekly in desperate hopes that it was the former. “Taste horrible. Hah hah?” He offered.

  Finally! Akita grinned broadly at the odd Gnome cowering behind the counter.

  Grimbledung blanched at the Constable’s ominous maw. Rows of sharp, white teeth greeted him. It was like looking into the Nearly Bottomless Pit. Maybe it was the latter after all.

  Overcome by betrayal, Pozzuoli pushed past a distracted Constable Akita. “No, you don’ get to eat them. I got something better for them!” He held his hand out, palm flat facing down. With his other hand he held his pointer finger against his downturned palm and twisted it around.

  “Yer gonna skewerrr them?” guessed Akita.

  “No” Pozzuoli shook his head. “This means under here it does not rain.”

  “Yerrrr gonna take ‘em down to the dunking stool?” Tried Akita again. He licked his mouth and let his tongue hang on the other side now. “Yeah, I’d watch that.”

  “Not exactly, Constabulatore Akita. This means they will get theirs.” Pozzuoli narrowed his eyes and twisted his finger against his palm ominously. “You rob from ME? That a-big mistake. Pozzuoli you do not cross. It is Pozzuoli that crosses you!”

  “Yer gonna impale them?” Akita tried again. He was losing patience with the Dwarf. “Kinda gross but whatever yer gonna do, do it quick. I need to get back to my nap.”

  Pozzuoli faced the Constable. With his connections, not many intimidated him. Besides, Pozzuoli figured Akita had to know it was him that delivered the mincemeat pies. It wasn’t an official bribe; it was more of a bridge-building tactic. “No. That-a not it.” he explained, “Pozzuoli have a cousin who has a friend who know a guy who makes shoes.” He squinted at Peachey and Danny and pointed at each of them. “He gonna make shoes for you both!”

  “How is giving them shoes going to make them sorry they stole from you?” Asked Grimbledung as his chin rested on the counter. “They probably already stole shoes from you.”

  Pozzuoli shook his head. “Not-a shoes like this. Nice a-custom made shoes.” He glowered at the two men, “Of marble. We go down to the Salty River and a-try them out, S-okay?” He reached up and pulled down his lower eyelid with his finger. “You made a bad mistake thinking you a-cross Pozzuoli,” he said menacingly.

  Nulu stepped up beside the two men. “I have a better idea, if you’re willing to listen to it.”

  Pozzuoli and Akita looked at her expectantly.

  “I hear that they’re looking for conscripts up at Prost Garrison. There’s some sort of battle brewing. These two would be perfect conscripts.”

  Danny began to cry.

  “Just give us the shoes!” Wailed Peachey. “ANYTHING but the Army!”

  “I don’t want to be cannon fodder!” Sobbed Danny. “I don’t even know what a cannon is!”

  Constable Akita laughed heartily. To everyone else, he was snarling. The long length of drool that was hanging from his mouth finally broke free and dropped to the floor- much to everyone’s relief. “Grrreat idea, Nulu!” He growled. “You wanna carry them down to the rrrrecruitin’ station?” He asked hopefully.

  Nulu steeled herself and looked him in the eye. “Taxpaying bar owner” she said pointing at herself. “Tax receiving Constable” she said pointing at Constable Akita.

  “Yer allrrright Nulu. Glad yerrr in town.” He looked at the two Humans. “On yer feet!” He growled. The two stumbled to their feet. “Yer gonna walk down to the rrrecruitin’ station and I’m gonna follow you.”

  The two Humans looked at each other. They both had the same thought at the same time.

  Constable Akita barked at the men and they jumped completely off the ground. “Don’t be thinkin’ you can run opposite ways and I can only catch one of you.” He stood upright and was, surprisingly, taller than both of them by a head. “Yer willin’ to take a fifty-fifty risk that you won’t be the one I’m chasin’?” He loomed over the top of them as he spoke. He bent his head down and sniffed Peachey then Danny’s hair deeply. “So here’s yer chances.” He returned to his typical crouched stance which put him about a head shorter than the two. Each was formidable in its own way. “One of you’s gonna die right away. Prolly less than twenty paces looking at the shape you two’rrrre in.” He licked his mouth again. Another tendril of drool formed on the side of his mouth. “The other I’ll track even across the Great Sandy Desert to finish off. Not that you’ll get that far. I don’t even give you to the edge of town. Once word got out ol’ Akita was lookin’ for you, there’s no one in town’ll help ya’.”

  He growled from the back of his throat.

  “They no get-a away from you, Constabulatore Akita,” started Pozzuoli as he moved to stand beside the Werewolf and faced the two condemned men. “But if-a they do, they no get away from the friends of Pozzuoli Consigliore. That I can a-guarantee.” Pozzuoli made a sneer that rivaled Akita’s. “I puta out the word and someone will do a piece of work on them.”

  The two looked at each other again and began to weep anew.

  “It’s nuthin’ perrrsonal,” said Constable Akita as he got on all fours and moved behind the men, “I have a rrrreputation to maintain, you know. If word got out I’d gone soft and let you two get away, I’d be up to my haunches in work.” He nipped at the back of the leg of one of the men. “So get movin’!”

  “Thanks Constable Akita!” Said Grimbledung, still cowering behind the counter, and before he could stop himself, he added, “come back soon for a regular visit if you like.”

  The two humans moved to the door sullenly. “Do you forgive me for getting us caught and conscripted to the Army?” Asked Peachey

  “That I do,” replied Danny, “with no worries at all.”

  “Then we’ll be all right, you and I,” replied Peachey.

  “Shaddap you two!” Constable Akita barked, then he laughed. It still sounded like a snarl. “There’s no talkin’ in the rrranks!”

  The three moved out the door which opened and shut around them. None of them even gave the door a second look for doing it.

  “That Constable Akita isn’t that bad, I think,” said Grimbledung. He still had not moved from his position behind the counter. “I think maybe he’s just misunderstood. He’s got a good sense of humor. I think.”

  Drimblerod and Nulu gaped at him in silence.

  “You need help,” offered Rat.

  “Say” said Grimbledung, “that reminds me. What were you getting on about in the street, Nulu? You were saying something about Rat and you two trying to help? Help with what?” He quickly looked at Rat, who jumped as their eyes met.

  “What? Me?” Started Rat. Then a thought sprang into his mind. “It was Drimblerod!” He pointed at the other Gnome accusingly.

  “Me? It wasn’t me,” Drimblerod said quickly. “It was,” the thought hopped over into his mind. “Nulu!”

  All eyes turned to the Trolless. “I need to get back to minding my business” said Nulu as she quickly picked up her tray and moved surprisingly fast to the door.

  “Light of foot are we?” Called Drimblerod at her back. He turned quickly and locked eyes with Rat. “Don’t you dare move!”

  “After all that tea and excitement? I need to go out back for a moment.” Rat scampered off the counter and under the curtain, speed belying his years.

  Drimblerod looked at his partner who was eyeing him expectedly. “Well” began Drimblerod slowly. “Well” he started again, “I guess it’s just the two of us that get to plan the Jamboree.”

  “The Jamboree!” Cheered Grimbledung as he hopped from foot to foot and began to sing

  People will come from far and wide!

  Brothers, Sisters, Husbands and their Brides!

  Singing dancing, drinks a flowing!

  And maybe there’ll
be a door prize or two –oooo?

  Yes, maybe there’ll be a door prize or two!

  “Better?”

  Drimblerod tilted his hand back and forth. “It’s not the worst I’ve heard. Now let’s talk Jamboree festivities.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Wherein the Magician’s Guild Pays

  an Unexpected Visit

  “So I think we’re up to twelve!” Said Grimbledung happily, “I really think we’ve got a good dozen adventurers signed up to gather wands for us.”

  “In my experience,” explained Drimblerod, “the ‘Be Right Back Wagon’ hardly ever does come back. We need to see how many of those folks actually come back with a wand before we know if this scheme of yours is working. We’re counting our Pixies before they flash.”

  “So while we’re waiting, what else you want to do to drum up business? Wanna hold another fake sale?”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking of taking a day to see Big Julie” said Drimblerod. “If we leave early in the morning we can be there by midday, and then be back by dark. We’d only have to be closed a day.”

  “I get to go too?” Asked Grimbledung excitedly.

  “We’re partners, right? You need to be involved in the operation of the shop, and that includes drumming up new customers.” Drimblerod had considered leaving Grimbledung alone in the shop for the day but only briefly. Even with Nulu to keep an eye on him on and off throughout the day, the thought of him being in charge without any sort of continuous adult supervision still made him shudder. The incident with the two Gremlins and the freelance Brownie assassin was still being talked about up and down the business district of Aution. There was even talk of a new ordinance at the last council meeting.[14] “We’ll make a day of it.”