Late Night Shopping

by Carmen Reid

  'You're right,' Annie agreed and raised her glass. 'Here's to your very happy marriage.'

  'What the hell are the vows going to be like, though?' Dinah worried. 'How can there be renewing of vows when I've not even seen them? What's he going to make me promise and how cheesy will it be?

  'As long as there's nothing about being your ickle little sexy kittie for the next fifty years and not a word, not one whisper about till death do us part. That's like the marriage small print,' she added, 'we all skim over it without a thought. When you're in your wedding dress, you never, ever once think about standing at a graveside . . .'

  'But weddings are like childbirth. You're so focused on the day, when really you should be preparing for the lifetime that's going to come afterwards,' Dinah cut in.

  'You can't knock a little bit of healthy denial, though . . .'

  'I do occasionally think about Bryan being dead,' Dinah confessed, 'but only in a fashion shoot kind of way: look at me in my veiled black pillbox . . .' Dinah added. Then, as lightly as she could, she reminded Annie, 'you were devastatingly gorgeous at Roddy's funeral. No one could take their eyes off you.'

  'Yeah, well I spent a lot of time and a huge amount of money on that outfit. Because I had no idea what had just hit me,' Annie recalled: 'the emotional equivalent of a two ton lorry. I was still unconscious at the funeral.'

  'Here's to all the devastatingly gorgeous widows out there,' Dinah raised her glass.

  They chinked glasses and after taking a swig for bravery, Annie felt compelled to ask, since they were obviously having an emotional detox in the sauna today, 'Have you ever cheated on Bryan?'

  Dinah swallowed down her mouthful of champagne and to Annie's utter astonishment replied, 'Yes.'

  What was going on? Was everyone apart from her cheating? And there was Ed thinking that she was cheating when she wasn't.

  'No!' Annie spluttered in reply. 'You cheated on Bryan? Why don't I know about this?'

  'I didn't want you to know . . . I didn't want anyone to know. Not when it was happening and not afterwards because it was just so embarrassing.'

  In the dim light of the sauna, Annie tried to read Dinah's expression. Was she guilty? Glad? Was she proud of herself now, or ashamed? She looked very, very thoughtful. But then Dinah tended to. She always had to think about everything, analyse it and figure it out.

  'We were going through a rough patch. Billie was a toddler—'

  'Oh my God!' Champagne just about flew out of Annie's nose at this. 'You managed to have an affair when Billie was a toddler, how did you do that?'

  'I met a dad at toddler group and he used to come back to my flat, and when the children had a nap . . .'

  'Oh. My. God.'

  'It only went on for a week or two . . . three weeks. Then we were both overcome with guilt and he started going to a different group.' Dinah couldn't suppress a giggle at the recollection.

  'Yeah, adultery can really impact your kids,' Annie couldn't resist saying. 'They can lose all their little toddler friends. Oh. My. God . . .' She was still scandalized, 'You were a little distant that winter when Billie was eighteen months and not sleeping and I thought you were just shattered and didn't want to hear any more of my sleep training advice.'

  'No . . . no. Billie was getting plenty of sleep training. The blinds were all drawn at naptime. And the sex was . . . I'm sorry, I know people are always supposed to say the sex wasn't that great when they had an affair because they were so guilty and they were so used to one person and blah, blah . . . but the sex was . . .' she lowered her voice, 'absolutely thrilling.'

  Annie tried to laugh, but it stuck in her throat as she thought of Roddy and Irena. Maybe that had been absolutely thrilling too.

  'It wasn't about me and Will – that's what his name was, by the way. I didn't even like him much, he was a jerk, just a good-looking jerk.' Dinah went on. 'It was about me and Bryan. I'd been at home with a baby for a year and a half. I was bored and totally boring. Instead of taking him away on holiday, instead of doing something new and interesting with him or with myself, I channelled all this energy into fantasies about Will. The fantasies went on for weeks, months before we actually did anything,' she confided.

  'And when you did?' Annie prompted.

  In a confessional whisper, Dinah admitted: 'Because we were so guilty about the sex, we used to have foreplay for just about the full two hours the children were asleep . . . and then a tiny two minutes of sex at the end.'

  'Sounds about right,' came Annie's comment.

  'It was! I used to just kiss him for the first half an hour until my knickers were in meltdown,' Dinah whispered.

  Something about Dinah with a towel on her head and a raw new Brazilian saying this was suddenly so funny that Annie began to laugh and then Dinah joined in and they both roared uncontrollably for several minutes.

  'This must be why you're not allowed to drink in the sauna. It gets you high,' Annie managed to say finally. And then, without even meaning to, she found herself telling Dinah all about Irena, dehydrating herself with tears in the process. When the story was all out and Dinah had said as many consoling words as she could think of, she had to suggest to her big sister, 'You know, it is maybe just a little bit possible that you idealize slightly how it was when you were with Roddy. You had plenty of ups and downs too.' Annie had a suspicion about what was coming next.

  'So are you going to tell me what's happening with Ed?' Dinah asked. 'He's not still at his sister's, is he?'

  'Yes he is at his sister's. But he's said he'll see me tonight.'

  'Tonight?' Dinah sounded surprised. 'Tonight's not going to be a great time to talk.'

  'You know that, babes, and I know that . . . but Ed seems to be a complete and utter beginner as far as serious adult relationships are concerned.'

  'Blame his Italian girlfriend,' Dinah said.

  'What? Has he said anything about her?'

  'No, I was just being . . . I dunno, flippant.'

  Annie just gave a shrug. 'You know what, I think I'm finally ready to go on the swing!'

  'The swing over the pool?' Dinah asked.

  'Is there another one?'

  'The naked swing? The one we watched the naked old ladies swing on?'

  'Oh yes!'

  Annie screamed as she launched, tits flying, off the swing and into the freezing cold pool. When her head surfaced, she urged Dinah on with the words, 'You've got to do it . . . free yourself!'

  Dinah dropped her towel.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Dinah's party outfit:

  Sleeveless silver dress with crystals and

  sequins (Monsoon)

  Silver and blue sensational shoes (Timi Woo)

  Leggings and underwear (still under discussion)

  Total est. cost: £90 . . . well the shoes were a gift.

  'You have to give me my present!'

  'No, Dinah!' Annie just about snatched the offending item out of her hands, 'You can't wear leggings!'

  'Why not?' Dinah demanded.

  They were in Annie's bedroom – well, obviously Annie and Ed's bedroom, but clearly currently Annie's – getting ready for the Big Surprise. In another twenty minutes or so the taxi would be here. The hair was done, the makeup was on, now it was time to get dressed. Quickly.

  'Because leggings are not sexy,' Annie said slowly, as if speaking to a child. 'No man will ever, ever fancy you in leggings. Men our age are confused by leggings. They think: tights with no feet, they wonder why you didn't put your trousers on . . . they see gym teachers and Jane Fonda and all sorts of disastrous dates they'd rather not remember from the eighties.

  'Dinah, on your tenth wedding anniversary, you wear stockings! I mean it's like your wedding night, right? Tonight is guaranteed sex. There is guaranteed lovemaking at the end of the night for you and Bryan. You're all smooth and delicious down there,' she quirked an eyebrow, 'so you wear stockings to frame the painting. Don't worry, I have some,' she added. 'I've not had mu
ch use for them lately.'

  'Annie, I think we're past stockings,' Dinah protested. 'I mean we still do it if I'm wearing a thermal vest and tartan pyjama bottoms. And suspenders are so uncomfortable.'

  'Yeah, but tonight is special! Hold-ups then?' Annie offered. 'Please! You should make the extra effort. I know I would.'

  'Annie you're wearing tummy-tuck tights!' Dinah pointed out.

  'Yeah, but I'm as good as single,' came Annie's reply, 'it doesn't matter how I look under my clothes, only how I look in them. Anyway, I'm trying to squeeze into my Valentino from three years ago. There's no way I can pull that off without the tummy-tuckers. Make that, there's no chance of pulling it on without the tummy-tuckers.'

  'The Valentino?' Dinah sounded impressed. 'That is a very, very nice dress, but Annie . . .' her voice was almost quite stern now, 'in no way are you single. You shouldn't say it and you shouldn't even think it. You'll have to try and find some time with Ed tonight or more likely tomorrow to iron things out and make up. You two have to get over this, or else I'm going to lock you both in a room together until you've worked out that you're the most stubborn pair of idiots I have ever known!'

  Rattled by this outburst from her sister, Annie could only think to say, 'Right then, I'm not going to give you your present!'

  'Yes!' Dinah pleaded, 'you have to give me my present. You always give the best presents. Do you really have a present for me? For today? That's very, very nice of you. Please, Annie! C'mon we have to hurry up, Mum will have just about driven our children insane by now.'

  'Especially if she's been making comments about Lana's hair or Lana's outfit or anything to do with Lana at all. I warned them both,' Annie told her, inching herself slowly into the red Valentino and breathing in deeply as she edged up the zip.

  'Present!' Dinah reminded her and Annie went out of the bedroom, instructing Dinah to wait there.

  When she returned a few minutes later, she was holding a pair of Timi Woos in each hand.

  The silver ones with navy blue trim she handed to Dinah saying, 'You like? They will be fantastic with your dress.'

  For a moment, Dinah was about to say: 'With this dress? Tonight? No, no, I have a pair of pink kitten heels which I was going to wear . . . along with my leggings.' But then she thought better of it.

  'Thank you! They are gorgeous. Oh thank you!' she said instead and gave Annie a hug.

  'Are those for you?' Dinah pointed to the gold and red pair in Annie's other hand.

  'Oh yeah,' Annie confirmed, sliding them onto her feet then doing up the strap. The simple, draped but very shaped, strapless red evening dress, set off with the tummy-tuckers, a pair of silicone chicken fillets tucked into her bra, the Timi Woos, Chanel pillar box red lipstick and her tightest blondest ponytail, was – even if she had to say so herself – a knockout look.

  'Check it out!' she said more to herself than to Dinah as she gave herself a final once-over in the mirror.

  Plus, if she wore the shoes very gently and gave them a thorough polish up afterwards she could sell them on again as nearly new. Used Timi Woos were already popping up on eBay, slightly worn, within weeks of her first sales.

  She did genuinely have the feeling that she was on to something here. They were going to be huge! It was high time she had a proper conversation with Mr Woo and signed up some exclusive rights for her 'esteemed corporation'.

  To Dinah she said, 'If Nic had been able to drag her fragile pregnant self along to the party tonight, I'd have given her a pair too. Then we could have all matched . . .'

  'And done a dance routine,' Dinah joked.

  'Oh God, do you remember when the three of us sang "By the Rivers of Babylon" at Mike's wedding?'

  'NO!' Dinah screamed. 'Never, ever remind me of that. EVER!'

  'Maybe Bryan's got a karaoke machine for tonight?'

  Chapter Thirty

  Party Ed:

  White shirt, severely ironed (M&S)

  Dinner suit, freshly cleaned (second-hand)

  Tie-up bow-tie, properly tied (second-hand)

  Black shoes, polished to a shine (cupboard)

  Silver cufflinks (his mum)

  New haircut (Toni & Guy)

  Aftershave (Italian BTW)

  Guitar and violin (own)

  Total est. cost: in denial

  'Have you any idea how much they charge?'

  'OK, my girl, here we go,' Annie said as their taxi drew up at the front of the Parkes Hotel. 'Good luck!' she added, 'Break a leg and all that. And just remember to look really, really surprised. Or Bryan's going to like me even less than he already does.'

  'Bryan does like you!' Dinah hissed.

  'And stop looking so nervous!' Annie insisted.

  * * *

  As she'd been instructed, Annie told the woman on reception that they were here for a family dinner, and gave Bryan's name.

  'Oh yes, it's straight up the stairs and into the function room on the left hand side. I hope you enjoy your evening.'

  Dinah wobbled ever so slightly in the Timi Woos. They were an inch or so higher than her normal heel but she was getting the hang of them and anyway, Annie couldn't help thinking, taking a long sideways look at her, it was worth it. She looked delicious.

  'You're looking hot, baby,' Annie told her, to make her smile. 'You know what Connor's going to whisper in your ear as soon as he sees you?'

  'Something typically filthy.'

  'Yeah, he's going to say . . .' Annie's voice dropped low as she prepared to give her best Connor impression, 'Baby, Bryan just came in his pants.'

  'Annie!' Dinah turned to look at her with a mock-scandalized expression, which meant her eye was off the door just as Annie threw it open. So she really did look quite genuinely shocked as sixty people shouted out at her, 'SURPRISE!'

  The first twenty minutes of party flurry passed quickly for both sisters. They whirled from guest to guest, kissing everyone hello, hugging, chatting, laughing, joking.

  Annie spotted Hector and Connor in matching kilt outfits, manning clipboards and party planner walkie-talkies, which made her crease up with laughter.

  'Connor said it,' Dinah told her, when their paths crossed for a second in the whirl.

  'I know him too well,' Annie told her, 'Oh, Billie is beautiful!' she added, spotting Billie in a purple velvet dress, accessorized with purple ballet shoes and another Billie touch of genius, fluffy purple deely boppers.

  Annie was of course blindingly proud of her own children. Owen in a white shirt, black trousers and – at his own insistence – a black bow-tie. His fringe had been slicked oddly to the side, which he thought was incredibly cool. To Annie he looked alarmingly like a baby Donny Osmond, but she'd already decided to say nothing.

  Lana was in frivolous, vivacious and terrifyingly flammable fuchsia pink and avoiding her slightly. She was on the arm of Andrei and both were terrified that Annie might have something incredibly tactless to say to him along the lines of: 'Cheat on my daughter?! Never darken my doorstep again.'

  'Annie! Hello, lovely to see you and thanks for all your help with tonight.' Ah! She and Bryan were going to have to do their awkward kiss greeting, pretending they were delighted to see each other again.