Taking Chances

by Taylor, Janelle

  “I’ve had the best in known surgery and therapy, more than once. Neuropathy doesn’t go away and it can’t even be improved. Why can’t you resign and just be happy being my wife?”

  “If I were asking you to give up surgery to become a house husband, would you?”

  “Can’t you at least take a leave and try it? Take a chance on me?”

  “Can’t you at least come to San Diego and explore the possibilities there?”

  “I can’t, not’ yet, if ever. I have to be honest with you.”

  “See, we do need time and distance to test our feelings. If what we have is true and strong, things will work out for us; we’ll find a fair compromise. Let’s do as we planned while we continue to explore and deepen our relationship.”

  “If you leave, I’ll lose you. You’ll find a better man, a whole man, one who can give you what I can’t, and you’ll forget about me.”

  She didn’t say, Like you think Laura did? She was certain he had no emotional bonds to his ex-wife, but her betrayal—and especially with a friend—had scarred him. “You’re the only man I want, Christopher; that won’t happen. Unless you push me away. Not everything I need is’here, in the place you refuse to leave.”

  “Swear it, Kirstin, swear you won’t stop loving me.”

  “I swear it, Christopher.”

  “If only I knew for certain you can keep your promise.”

  “We need time away from each other for additional reasons: I don’t want to make another mistake with a man. I have to be sure our marriage will work, especially with the stipulations you’re putting on it. I’m terrified to go through what I did before, terrified of losing myself again. That happens so often with housewives. How can you understand something you’ve never experienced? You’ve always been number one with yourself and others, important, in charge. You did as you pleased. You don’t know what it’s like to be only a wife, a mother, or a daughter. It was a long and tough struggle to become Kirstin. I’m afraid she’ll vanish again if I become Mrs. Christopher Harrison and give up a big part of myself.”

  “You’re too strong now for that to happen again.”

  “Am I? No other man has made me feel as you do. Maybe your power over me scares me the most.”

  “Well, I’m scared, too, Kirstin, scared of losing you if you leave here. I haven’t felt alive like this in a long time, not since I was forced from surgery. I’m hurt you can’t just say and feel that all that matters to you is me. You’re right, I am selfish and near-sighted. I know what I want and I’m losing it.”

  “No, my love, you aren’t. Give us time. Who knows, once I live and work there a while, I might decide to return here?”

  “Once you leave, you’ll get busy with your work and forget me. You’ll see other men. What we’ve shared won’t seem as important to you in your new life. Your panic about marriage will dull it; distance will help you ignore or deny it. I don’t want you to go.”

  “I must; it’s the best way to test our feelings. If we rush a decision, we can both get hurt.” She stepped to him. “I had to change my whole life after David’s death. Changing it all again just to have you is frightening. I can’t be impulsive.”

  “I’m willing to take a chance with you.”

  “Only if I make sacrifices and you don’t have to give up anything.”

  “I already have: all I studied, trained, worked for, and loved.”

  “None of that was for me. You aren’t willing to give up your life here to come with me so we can have more time to get closer, but you expect me to do that for you. Why is that responsibility mine alone?”

  “I can’t leave the ranch and move in with you. What would I do while you’re at work? Here, I have the ranch and my patients.”

  “You can work there, too, in research or teaching or general practice. You have plenty to offer the medical field.”

  “I can’t go. I tried it once; I’ve finally given up that foolish idea.” He related some of his past embittering episodes. “Besides, it’s too painful being around a life that I’m being denied.”

  “You’re practicing medicine here, so what’s the difference?”

  “It isn’t the same. I know from experience.”

  “If you can ask me to give up my career for you, why can’t you do the same for me? We could have a wonderful life there,” she stressed.

  “We can have one here.”

  “No, we can’t. You can continue as before with all you have now, but I’d become your shadow. I love you, Christopher Harrison, and want to marry you, but I need more than you and a family. I need other things, things I never had before, things important to me now. Is that wrong?”

  He had to shake his head and respond with a sad, “But I don’t know where that leaves us in our dilemma.”

  That night, they made love with a mixture of melancholy and urgency, knowing what morning would bring: separation, a kind of tiny death with its own period of grief and loneliness and adjustment. As they snuggled together afterward, each hoped and prayed the other would have a change of mind before the moment of Kirstin’s departure arrived.

  Sixteen

  The disheartened couple stood beside Kirstin’s loaded car and gazed into each other’s eyes.

  He asked softly, “Do you have everything you’ll need?”

  She caressed his strong jawline, then lowered her hand to his chest. “Except for you, Christopher. Join me soon, please.”

  He lowered his troubled gaze to the ground and took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can turn my life upside down again.”

  “This time, I will be there to help you straighten it.”

  He wondered if that were possible, even with her love and patience and support. Take a chance on things being different, better, than they were last time when he faced the challenge of trying to work in a large city with a disabled hand? Endure colleagues’ pity and people’s curiosity or hurtful remarks? Have embarrassing accidents in social settings or at work that call attention to his helplessness? Constantly ask assistants for help with simple tasks he could no longer perform? Place himself in a location that revolves around surgery? “All I can say is, I’ll think about it seriously, but don’t get your hopes up. I can’t imagine changing my mind about a decision forced on me long ago. Contrary to what you think Kirstin, I have accepted my limitation, and this is the best way to deal with it in the least painful manner. I’m just sorry it has to come between us, but I do understand your needs, too. I never thought I’d find a woman like you, or find true love. Maybe you’ll retire early and choose New Mexico as your home. I hope so. Until then, I’ll be waiting, and we’ll go on as we have been for the last month.”

  She realized nothing she could say would influence him today. “I best get going; it’s a long drive and I don’t want to be in the middle of nowhere after dark. I love you and I’ll miss ’ you terribly.”

  “The same here. Be careful and stay alert for any problems. I don’t want you falling into the hands of another lonely and miserable doctor.”

  His attempt at humor failed on both of them.

  “Call me when you stop this evening. I have to be assured you’re all right. Until I know you’re off the road and safe, I won’t rest.”

  “I will, and don’t worry. I’m doing fine now, thanks to a wonderful doctor, friend, and man.”

  “Keep alert and keep your emergency supplies at hand.”

  “They’re on the front seat, and I’m wearing the bracelet you gave me.” She held up her wrist. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Goodbye, Kirstin.”

  She hated the sound of that first word. Please, God, let it become hello soon. He was going to let her leave, but at least she had given him—and herself— plenty to think about and time in which to do it. “So long for a short while, Christopher.”

  They shared a bittersweet kiss and tight embrace.

  Kirstin got into her car and turned the ignition key. She almost wished it wouldn’
t start, but it did. She asked herself a final time if she was doing the right thing? For now, her mind responded. No, her aching heart refuted, but you must go for a while.

  Christopher propped his elbows on the window, leaned inward, and kissed her. He retreated so fast afterward that he bumped the back of his head on the door. He gave a forced smile and ordered, “Go, woman, before I drag you out of that car and lock you in my house.”

  “See ya, Doc.” Come join me soon, my love, please.

  “See ya, guinea pig.” Return soon, my precious angel, please.

  Kirstin guided her vehicle out of the concrete driveway and down the parallel gravel road. At the highway, she halted to take in the ranch setting again. She stuck her arm out the window and waved to a watching and motionless Christopher. She pulled onto the recently paved asphalt road, blew her horn, and raised the window. I’m not going to lose you, Christopher Harrison, even if I have to move here. I’ll give Medico their due, but if you don’t change your mind within a month or so, I’ll give up my career. But, heavens, I hate to do that. I love research. It’s so exciting and challenging. It makes me feel important and confident, downright independent.

  Kirstin’s gaze took in the almost-flat high plains landscape and seemingly endless horizon of few trees’ and miles of telephone and utility poles that detracted from the green-and-cobalt view. Blast it all, I don’t want to live in a near desert without a research facility close by. If you love me and need me, why can’t you come to San Diego and work? Stop it, Kirstin, or you’ll get resentful! His decision was as difficult to make as yours was.

  After driving three hundred and ninety-five miles that day, she checked into a motel in Wilcox, Arizona, and phoned Christopher before eating. The state was not on Daylight Savings Time, something her love had pressed into her mind for her strict regimen. His answering machine took her call. She gave her location, the time, the hotel and room number, and a report on her health. “I’ll be in my room if you want to call back after you get home. I miss you and love you. And I hope you’re alone when you hear this message or you’ll get teased again. Talk to you later. Bye.”

  She also placed a message on Katie’s answering machine. Afterward, to prevent missing Christopher’s call, she ordered room service. She hated to get into the shower but did so. The first thing she did after drying off was check the red light on the phone to see if he’d called; he hadn’t.

  Where are you, Christopher? Out celebrating your freedom or dulling your misery with a few drinks or just refusing to answer or phone back?

  Kirstin watched television until ten, and tried not to worry. She forced herself to get to bed to prepare for the long drive tomorrow. Don’t get paranoid, Kirstin. He’s probably out on an emergency or at John and Maria’s.

  Kirstin stretched and yawned. She glanced at the silent phone and saw the red light flashing. She called the hotel operator for the message, which was from Christopher. He’d gotten in too late from an emergency and didn’t want to disturb her. She dialed his number, but he was out again. She left another message, ate breakfast, and departed.

  Past Tucson, she took Interstate-8 to Yuma for her second night, over three hundred miles and enough stops to prevent health problems. She phoned Christopher and found his home line was busy. She phoned his medical line but didn’t leave a personal message with the answering service. The next time she called, he wasn’t home. Could it be possible, she mused in excitement, that he was en route to San Diego to join her?

  She teased, “I hope keeping in touch via machines doesn’t become a habit for us. I’m doing fine. I have about three hours to drive tomorrow. I’ll call you from there. Sorry we missed talking both times. I love you. Bye.”

  Upon rising on Saturday morning, she was miffed there was no response to her call last night. In her agitated state, Kirstin didn’t realize she had forgotten to tell him where she was and to leave the number. By nine, she was on the road for the last leg of her trip.

  At the California state line, she remembered to change her watch and car clock to the new time zone.

  Traffic got heavier and heavier as she neared the large city. She paid close attention to the signs. Soon, tired and tense, she reached her apartment, her new home. She eyed the complex of ivory stucco buildings, all single-story units. She liked having no one above or below her for the quiet and privacy. The landscaping was lovely: green grass, palms, flowers, shrubs, pebblestone walkways, and decorative entrances with porticoes to get out of the rain.

  Kirstin unlocked the door with keys her daughter had mailed to her before leaving Georgia. Her gaze widened and her mouth went agape.

  “Surprise! Welcome home, Mom. God, how I’ve missed you.”

  Amidst tears, hugs, and laughter, Kirstin and Katie embraced. When they parted, the mother glanced around the living room.

  “It’s beautiful, honey; I couldn’t have chosen better. And you have everything arranged, even pictures and knickknacks in place.”

  “I wanted you to have time to rest and enjoy your new apartment this weekend. Besides, we have lots to catch up on, right?”

  As Kirstin stroked her daughter’s long, curly hair whose color matched her own, she replied, “Yes, we do. The balloons and flowers are wonderful. You’re such a special girl, Katie. I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too, Mom, and you deserve the best. So, how was it to leave him behind?”

  Kirstin’s gaze met Katie’s. Since the girl was five-nine, she had to look up. “Harder than I imagined. I love him, honey.”

  “I know; I could tell. Don’t worry; things will work out, you’ll see.”

  “I don’t know. I couldn’t reach him a single time along the way. Well, he did leave a message during my first night on the road.”

  “Maybe he’s hurting too much right now to talk. Men are such funny creatures, Mom, all that pride and ego. He’s probably still suffering from the shock of your actually leaving; he probably never believed you would. You have to accept you did the right thing for both of you.”

  Kirstin related their last two serious talks.

  “As I said, Mom, infernal male pride and ego. Give him time.”

  “Should I call him and let him know I’ve arrived safely?”

  “Natch. I’ll get us something ready to eat. Phone’s over there.” Katie overheard her mother placing another message on his answering machine.

  Kirstin entered the kitchen. “Out again, I suppose.”

  “People do take showers, use the toilet, and run errands. And doctors like him make house calls, you said. Try again later.”

  “I think I’ll wait until he calls, if he does.”

  “Don’t become a Doubting Thomas, as you used to call us.”

  “I’m scared, honey, scared it will all fall apart.”

  “It’s just as easy and reasonable for him to move here as for you to move there.”

  “And just as hard. Let’s talk about something else while you give me the grand tour. This kitchen and eating area are fantastic, and so roomy. I love the color scheme. Somebody used a talented decorator.”

  “We’re lucky they chose some of your favorite colors: ivory and mauve. There’s a skylight in here, the master bath, and over the bed. All the better for seeing the stars and moon on a romantic night …” Katie glanced at her mother, and smiled. “Why, Mom, I do believe you’re blushing like a teenager. I love it! I’m so happy for you. I’m dying to ask a thousand questions, but I won’t give you the third degree, yet. Tomorrow I will, so be prepared to tell all.”

  “You’re a nosy little twerp,” she teased.

  “Natch. Until you’re ready to use that starry view, you can plunk him before a cozy fire on that lush carpet. Get a good supply of huge toss pillows! And better keep a coverlet at hand; you don’t want to get carpet burns while you’re having fun there.”

  “Kathryn Lowrey!”

  “Oh, Mom, I’m teasing. Maybe,” she added with a twinkle in her eye and a mirthful grin on her face
. “Look at the bedroom and master bath.”

  As they headed in that direction, the vivacious Katie pointed out the guest room, halfbath, and other amenities. “The walls are off-white and the carpet’s light tan throughout so they’ll go with anything. Voilà, your suite, madame. A bay window and sitting area for relaxing after a hard day. The lounger is a housewarming present from me and Sandi. It’s very sturdy and comfy, so don’t mind using it for anything.” Katie giggled as she guided her mother into the adjoining bathroom. “Garden tub with a heavenly view, dressing area, huge walk-in closet, and a toilet behind this halfwall; that’s nice for privacy when someone’s shaving nearby and you hafta go.”

  Kirstin ignored her last remark. “My goodness, honey, you have towels and the accessories out already. This wallpaper is beautiful; I like this swirl of blue, green, mauve, and ivory. It’s almost as if they knew my tastes and favorite color scheme. I’m so glad you found this one for me; thanks.”

  After receiving a hug and kiss, Katie chatted, “I looked at countless apartments. When I saw this one, I knew it was you. The location is perfect: you’re two miles from work. There’s a shopping center a few blocks to the right that has a grocery store, dry cleaners, and just about anything you’ll need. Three miles to the left are the offices of your two new doctors. I’ve written down their addresses and directions, and marked them on a city map in your desk drawer. Plus, I’ll show you around tomorrow. Most of your stuff is unpacked, but you may want to make some changes. I tried to remember how you set things up at home; you were always so organized. I know you’re going to love it here.”

  “How did you get all of this done and work, too?”

  “I did it between assignments. It was fun.”

  “Everything is perfect.”

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  They shared merry laughter before Kirstin said, “You’ve done a marvelous job of making this move easy for me, honey.”

  “You were always there for me, for all of us, when we needed you for anything. You’re my best friend, Mom. It’s going to be so wonderful having you close by. I’ll teach you all I’ve learned about sunny California. Let’s get your suitcases and get you unpacked so we can have our sandwiches and milk. Oh, yes, the fridge and cupboards are stocked. Anything I missed, we can pick up tomorrow while were sightseeing.”