A Sea Change

by Annette Reynolds

  Maddy’s knees buckled at his touch and, without preamble, he’d scooped Maddy up, dropped her on the bed, and straddled her thighs.

  “I want you in me now,” she’d said.

  For a split second his blue eyes, darker than she ever remembered them being, bored into hers. He entered her with such need – he went so deep – she cried out. But it was an exquisite pain that became an exquisite ache, and she gasped, “Harder!” until he found the right place and the right stroke, and she groaned, “Oh, God – please don’t stop…”

  He pushed her hands above her head, and held them there. They watched each other through eyes half-closed, drugged with the heat of their passion. And as her head arched back, and she climaxed, Maddy moaned, “I love you, Nick.”

  He joined her moments later, and when his body came to rest over hers, and his mouth was millimeters from her ear, he’d whispered, “I love you, too.”

  Now, just as Maddy thought he’d fallen asleep, his voice rumbled up out of his chest.

  “What do we tell Mary when she asks us how we liked Anne Hathaway’s cottage – whatever the hell that is?”

  “That it was miraculous.” Maddy smiled lazily. “That it might as well have been the real thing.”

  “Move your hand a little lower if you want to witness a true miracle,” Nick said, then raised his head from the pillow to watch as she ran her index finger along the ridges of his thickening cock.

  “I’d worship it from afar,” she said, sliding her head down his abdomen. “But this is so much more meaningful.”

  When her lips closed around him, his head dropped back and, through clenched teeth, said, “I’m going to put you up for sainthood.” But it wasn’t long before he was too close, and his voice was hoarse when he whispered, “You’ve gotta stop, Maddy.”

  In reply, the tip of her tongue circled him, and he knew she meant to take this to its now-inevitable conclusion. At the thought of her taking him in, Nick went past the point of no-return, and he let her lead him into the place where surrender was the greatest pleasure.

  As he held her, too content to do anything but lie there with his eyes closed, Maddy planted soft kisses on his neck.

  “I take it by the satisfied smile on your face you enjoyed that?” she said.

  “Mmmm…” Nick forced his mouth to move, and murmured, “Why didn’t you stop when I told you?”

  “Why did you even want me to?”

  Nick opened his eyes a fraction to gaze at her, and said, “I guess I wanted you to come first.”

  She smiled. “Sometimes that just isn’t important. I liked that as much as you did.”

  His eyes closed again. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

  Maddy was silent for a few minutes. When she spoke again, there was a hint of reluctance in her voice. “Nick, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Tell me over dinner. I don’t think my brain is working right now.”

  “It’s important.”

  Apprehension stole over him, and he lightly said, “Even if you told me you used to be a man, the only thing I’d do is get down on my knees and thank the lord for the miracle of modern medicine.”

  Nick looked into her serious eyes and struggled to sit up. As Maddy reached for her tanktop and slipped it over her head, he asked, “This is something I have to get dressed for?”

  “I guess it’d be easier for me if you weren’t sitting there gorgeous and naked,” she answered, handing him his shirt.

  “Okay,” he said, putting a pillow behind his back and leaning against the headboard. “I’m ready.”

  Maddy sat cross-legged in front of him. She examined the cuticle of her thumb, saying, “I don’t know why this is so hard for me.” She finally looked up. “It’s about Phil.”

  Nick’s muscles – so loose just seconds before – turned to hardened cement, and his pulse rate doubled. “What about him?”

  “It’s not what you’re thinking.” Maddy rushed the words to get them said at last. “Nick, he’s Danny. He’s my brother Danny.”

  This was not what Nick expected, although just exactly what he expected, even he didn’t know.

  “I don’t get it,” he said.

  “Phil Madvick is my brother. The one who ran away.”

  “How can Madvick be your brother?” he asked. “If he’s your brother, why wouldn’t I already know about it?” Confusion was being replaced by anger. “I mean, that’s something you would’ve told me right off, isn’t it?”

  “I wanted to, Nick, but I just couldn’t.”

  “Do you expect me to believe this fairy tale?”

  “Nick, I didn’t believe it at first. Imagine what it was like to find out this homeless person was the brother I hadn’t seen in twenty years! I know it sounds bizarre, but it’s true.”

  He stared at her, then said, “Okay, fine. It’s true.” He got off the bed and roughly pulled on his jeans. “Is that what all this was about?”

  Maddy was up on her knees. “What? What are you talking about?”

  “This!” His arm made a sweeping gesture that took in the rumpled bed. “Did you figure, ‘if I give him head, he’ll cut me some slack’?”

  “Don’t talk crazy, Nick. I told you – I wanted to tell you right away, but Danny wouldn’t let me.”

  “He wouldn’t let you?”

  “Why are you so mad? I thought this would make you feel better about him.”

  “Feel better?” Nick snorted. “About you lying to me?”

  Maddy got off the bed. “No, Nick. About what you imagined was going on between us.” She stood in front of him. “I hated lying to you. But I felt trapped.”

  “So what changed, Maddy? You develop a conscience?”

  “Jesus, Nick! Will you listen to me? I love you, but I love my brother, too. What was I supposed to do? What would you have done?”

  “How long were you gonna let it go on?”

  “I wasn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.” He turned away from her to stare out the window, and she grabbed his arm. “Don’t do this, Nick. Put yourself in my place. Think about it for a while. Then tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

  “I trusted you, Maddy. I started out trusting him, too.” Nick pictured Phil Madvick laughing at his fits of jealousy, and his anger rose to new heights. “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

  “Nick, please don’t go.” She followed him to the door. “Let’s talk about this.”

  “Later. Right now I need some space.”

  Without a backward glance, he slammed the door shut.

  Maddy listened to his heavy footsteps grow fainter. Her breaths came shallow, as she tried to comprehend what had just happened. She turned to stare at the bed, where not fifteen minutes before, life had been perfect.

  “It’ll be all right,” she whispered to herself. “He’ll understand, and he’ll come back. And everything will be good again.”

  Maddy sat on the edge of the overstuffed armchair to wait.

  Nick entered the hotel’s miniscule pub, slapped a five on the oak bar, and asked for whatever was on tap. He took the ale to a table in a far corner and sat heavily. As he drank, Nick distractedly watched the young bartender and wondered what ever happened to the older, wiser, men who used to dispense advice along with liquor. This guy didn’t look old enough to drink beer, let alone serve it. And if he’d ever had trouble with a woman, it was probably his mother.

  At this point Nick didn’t know what had set him off more: Maddy’s lie, or Phil’s. The only thing he was sure of was he was pissed to the nth degree and wanted someone to tell him what to do about it.

  Nick drained his glass. His nervous energy in full force, he left the Penny Farthing and went outside to clear his head. He was on his second lap of the grounds when a familiar voice penetrated the dark fog that had clouded his brain. He looked up and saw Mary Delfino sitting on a bench under an arbor.

  “Hey.” Nick dropped down next to her. “I thought you were resting. Are you ok
ay?”

  “My mind is too full. I thought I’d come out for some fresh air.”

  “Are you sure? ‘Cause you look a little pale.”

  Mary had watched Nick stride past her on his first trip around the gardens. She recognized the edgy gait, and knew Maddy had told him her secret. “I’ll be all right,” she said. “What about you?”

  A gusher of angry words spewed out of him, and then he finally said, “What the hell am I supposed to feel at this point?”

  Mary was about to open her mouth when she caught sight of Maddy rapidly coming towards them.

  “Mary! God, you scared the hell out of me. I knocked on your door and there was no answer…You were supposed to be resting!”

  Mary didn’t fail to notice Maddy pointedly ignoring Nick. “The two of you are impossible,” she said, her own fear and ire getting the best of her. “It’s obvious to me, I’m not the one who needs looking after.” Mary rose to her full height. “Sit!” she ordered, and when Maddy had complied, said, “I already know the answer, but for everyone’s edification, why were you knocking on my door?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about – something.”

  “You wanted to talk to me about your argument with Nick.” Mary addressed them both. “Your ages tell me the two of you are adults, but you’re acting like children. This has got to stop! You can’t come running to me every time something goes wrong in your lives. What will you do when I’m gone?”

  Maddy studiously smoothed a wrinkle in her skirt, while Nick gazed out across the lawn, chewing on his inner lip.

  “I’m not going to hand down a judgment on who’s right or wrong in this situation. You’re going to have to dig deep and find the rational adults hiding inside you, and work it out yourselves. When you’re finished, you can find me in the dining room having a cup of tea.”

  Mary walked away, her spine ramrod straight, her insides roiling at one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. But she had no choice. Not only because Maddy and Nick needed to wean themselves from her. That was the least of it. What Mary Delfino understood at the moment she “saw” Phil Madvick’s part in this drama was that she had no control. He was the catalyst. Any transformation would come because of him. She could only pray the reaction would be constructive, and not something that would blow apart the fragile chemistry that had begun to crystallize.

  The embarassed silence left in Mary’s wake became more awkward with each second. Nick kept his eyes on the expanse of grass in front of him. Maddy wanted to burrow underneath it.

  “Well,” Nick finally said. “I don’t know about you, but I feel like I should be sitting in a corner somewhere thinking about what I did wrong.”

  “She was probably right,” Maddy said.

  “Don’t ya just hate that?”

  They both sat quietly for a few seconds, then Maddy said, “You have to admit, you overreacted just a little.”

  The calm after the storm didn’t last long.

  Nick turned to Maddy. “Excuse me?”

  “Well, didn’t you?”

  He leapt off the bench and stood over her. “Who lied to who, Maddy? You made me look stupid. I don’t know anyone who thinks that’s a hell of a lot of fun.”

  “Why can’t you see my side of this?”

  Nick waited for a strolling couple to amble by, his frustration rising with each passing moment. In a voice lowered, but no less irate, he said, “’Cause right now all I can see is the fact you lied. It’s a matter of trust.”

  “But I told you the truth.”

  “Yeah, eventually. And only because he said it was okay.”

  “He is my brother! I’ve had to deal with losing him my whole adult life, and this is my chance to get some of what I lost back. Can’t you understand that?”

  Nick looked away and took a deep breath. Running a hand through his hair, he exhaled loudly, then turned back to Maddy. “Look. We’re getting nowhere with this right now.”

  “Then we agree on something.”

  “And do we agree this isn’t the time or place, too?”

  Maddy nodded. “I didn’t think this would be the result. So, yeah, I agree. It’s Mary’s birthday, and I don’t want to upset her anymore.”

  “Then let’s call a truce.” Nick held his hand out to help her up. She hesitated just an instant, then slipped her hand into his.

  But as Nick and Maddy walked to the hotel’s entrance they didn’t touch. And as they joined Mary at her table on the veranda, a thin wall of reserve had come between them.

  Journal Entry

  August 8

  I can’t say our first trip together was a huge success. I guess we’re equally to blame. The argument Nick and I had took me completely by surprise. The outcome of my telling him about Danny was so far-removed from what I expected, I’m still having trouble with it.

  When we went back to our room, all the small-talk we’d done at dinner fell away, leaving us with two choices: T.V. or sleep. We mutually agreed on sleep, but getting into bed with all the garbage between us felt so wrong. And so familiar.

  We both knew it. Hell, we’d both lived it. But we did it anyway, which was a mistake. Thankfully, we both knew that, too, because sometime in the middle of the night we woke up and did a little talking.

  I’d had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want to wake Nick and tried to be as quiet as I could, but when I rolled over I made some kind of noise. All my muscles were cramped up. It was something I hadn’t experienced in months – actually, not since I’d slept with Ted – and I’d forgotten what getting out of bed used to feel like.

  I lived with tension for so long, I didn’t know any other way. It wasn’t until after we’d broken up that I realized it was possible to get up in the morning and not feel ninety years old. Every morning we were together I used to stand under a hot shower, twisting my neck, stretching my back, trying to get my shoulders to relax. I never thought I’d feel that way again, and it was a real shock when I did.

  I knew I needed to talk with Nick, and was going to wake him up when I came out of the bathroom, but I guess he was having trouble sleeping, too. He was already up, sitting at the edge of the bed. When I sat next to him, he took my hand and said, “This wasn’t the plan, was it.”

  I said, “No, but when does anything go the way it’s supposed to?”

  “How was it supposed to go?” he asked.

  “I tell you Phil is my brother. You say, ‘that’s wonderful you found him, Maddy, and I don’t have to be jealous anymore.’ And I say, I love you, Nick. You never had anything to be jealous about. And then we have an incredibly romantic evening in this incredibly romantic room.”

  He didn’t say anything to that, so I finally said, “I’m sorry I violated your trust, Nick. I know you don’t understand why I did it. If I tell you a little about what Danny’s been through, maybe you will.”

  So I told him what happened when Danny tried to find me, and ran across Ted instead.

  Nick cut me off, saying, “You know I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

  I agreed, but tried to make him understand that Danny wouldn’t have. Then I gave him a short version of the confrontation between Danny and Dad. He listened without comment, and when I was done, said, “You have a point about one thing. If it’d been me – if it’d been my sister who’d gone through all that – I might’ve lied to protect her. The only difference is, I would’ve told the one person I trust about it.”

  “In other words,” I said, “you would’ve told Mary. But not me.”

  “That’s not fair, Maddy. You lied to me from the start.”

  That really bothered me. And even though I was trying to smooth things over, I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice when I said, “So did you. Who were you protecting?”

  He was quiet for a second, then he said, “So, we’re back where we started.”

  “No, we’re not. We’ve told each other everything, now. Can’t we start here?”

  “What do you wa
nt from me, Maddy?”

  “I want you to be happy for me. I want you to say you’ll try to accept Danny as part of me and my life – our life.”

  “I can try to be happy for you. But the second thing is gonna take some time.” Then he said, “Y’know, you’re putting a lot of trust in someone you don’t really know, and that bothers me.”

  I said, “Why wouldn’t I trust him? He’s my brother, and I love him.”

  “I think you’re in love with the concept of a brother.”

  I told him I thought that was a shitty thing to say, and he kinda groaned and flopped back on the bed and covered his face with his hands. Then he said, “Look, Maddy – I’m just saying people change. Things happen.” He took my hand again and made me look at him, and I could tell he meant it when he said, “One of the things I love about you is your imagination. You’ve got this vision of the perfect family, and that’s great. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I don’t want you to get hurt. And you know, the same as me, that the people closest to us are the ones who can cause the most pain.”

  I said, “So, what do you want from me, Nick?”

  “I want you to be honest with yourself. He’s a pig in a poke, Maddy. Just like I was, at first. Give it time. Stand back a little. Get to know him before you share your whole world with him.”

  “I did that with you, didn’t I,” I said.

  “Yeah, you did.”

  “I never meant to make you feel stupid,” I said.

  “I know,” he said. “Don’t keep secrets from me, Maddy. They’re an unfair advantage.”

  We went back to bed. He kissed me this time. Held me, too. But I think the wound is still a little too fresh for both of us. It occurs to me I never did tell Nick that Danny is gay, but I don’t think that has any relevance anymore. That’s Danny’s business.

  But Danny, as my brother, affected us all.

  I slept better knowing we can talk about things. Even if they aren’t resolved, at least they’ve been said with a level of honesty I’ve never had with anyone else. And as bad as the past couple of days have been, they can’t compare to what I used to consider the best times with Ted. I certainly could’ve used some kind of reality check back then. Why did I ever think it was okay to be bullied? Why did I let myself be afraid to have a feeling that was my own?