by D. Kelly
Second date:
Bex,
Due to the fact we live together, some of these may run together a bit. I’m trying to jot things down as I think of them so that you have a full, comprehensive account of how I’m feeling through our dates.
We’re about to leave on our second date, and I thought since we spent so much time together today, I would break this into a ‘before date’ and ‘after date’ summary.
Before: This morning, I woke up excited. I’ve never felt like this before. It was better than any high I’ve gotten from my business successes. Better than college graduation, but similar to the day you decided we should be friends. That in itself should tell you something. I’m beginning to understand my feelings for you have been buried deep down inside of me for a long time. Last night when I realized it, I didn’t sleep much and was awake with the sun. The only thing I wanted to do was crawl into your bed and kiss you. I wanted to know if we could replicate that magic again. Instead, I went and bought donuts, your favorites, made coffee, gorged myself while you got your beauty rest, and then went for a run to try and process all these new emotions.
Just when I thought I had things under control, you asked for the boyfriend experience. Did I stop breathing when you said that? I feel like I lost control for a minute. The thought of you never having that ripped me to shreds, but knowing I was going to be the one to give it to you—fuck, Bex—I’m still hard from the constant loop running through my head of what we might do tonight.
I’m just going to apologize now for whatever I do wrong. This whole date is wrong in so many ways. You deserve better than skipping ahead, but I promise since we are, I’m going to make it the most memorable boyfriend experience you can have. Walking you to your door tonight is going to be hard. Or maybe that will just be me.
After: I wanted you to write down the fucked-up shit I did on these dates, but today, I think that honor belongs to you. It wasn’t intentional, and I was more than a willing participant, but it was a special kind of hell pretending to be your boyfriend tonight. Not being able to do everything a boyfriend would actually do wasn’t easy, but coming home and retreating to our separate rooms was worse. If you were mine, you’d be wrapped in my arms right now as we made love. After the night we had, we would be making love. I’d show you exactly how much I worship every inch of your delectable body, and then in the middle of the night, I’d get you on your knees and spank you until you cried out how sorry you were for torturing me. Your pussy would be dripping because being controlled turns you on. As soon as I slipped inside you, your inner walls would clench around me, and you’d shatter while calling out my name and your undying love.
The problem is, I’m not your boyfriend, Bex, and I’ve only got five more dates to make you realize I should be. It’s the most terrified I’ve been in my entire life, and also, the most exhilarated.
Second date recap: The boyfriend experience may go down as my favorite date. Even with my conflicted feelings, it was a night I’ll never forget. Don’t let this be for nothing, Bex. I need you to want to be the air I breathe, or else I may have to break my first ever promise to you. After tonight, I’m not sure I could go back to how things were before. I thought it would be easy, but that was before I knew . . . I’m already in love with you.
Tears stream down my cheeks. There is so much to unpack here. Tristan loves me. I knew it because I’ve always felt it, but now it’s here in black and white, and it should feel better than anything but how can it when we’re in such a bad place? I want to be more than his air; I want to be his everything because he’s already mine. But if we can’t go back, what does that mean for us now when he won’t even talk to me?
Non-date:
Bexley,
You’re out of town, but our date is tomorrow. Adam came over tonight and asked me if I’d marry you. Typical random, out-of-the-blue Adam BS. It got me thinking, though, about you and me, and what we’re doing.
We’re taking a huge risk with our friendship, and I can’t help but think that means something greater than either of us are considering. Would we have jumped into this if we weren’t ready for more? After a night full of reflection, I can honestly tell you . . . I wouldn’t have. My feelings for you have been growing for the last ten years. I know we’re not there yet, not at that place in our relationship, or as the case may be, non-relationship since we’re still working through these dates. But I wanted you to know that someday, when the time is right, I will absolutely marry you. In fact, there’s nothing I’d like more.
After date seven, you have to make a choice. To keep seeing me or to move on and start seeing someone else. I’m hoping it will be to keep going, but maybe I’ll have a better understanding of what you want after the third date. After all, that seems to be the defining date in most of your dating cycles.
How about I make you a promise?
Don’t break my heart, and I will never break yours.
I’m sobbing so hard, I can’t catch my breath. I’d marry you in a heartbeat, Tristan. It’s you, and it always has been, but did I already mess it up? Did I break your heart last night? If I did, I have to figure out a way to piece it back together because your heart is the most precious thing in the world to me.
Third date:
Bexley,
As much as I missed you while you were gone, the way you kissed me when you came home today more than made up for it. That’s what I keep trying to remind myself of when I think about you and Finn. I’m sure you’ll be fine, but this is what I wanted to tell you today and couldn’t. Watch out for him, Bex. Some men can’t handle being told no. Especially if they feel what they want is within their grasp.
Those men will try and get to know you and learn what they can about your significant other. Who knows, Finn may be a great guy and back off right away, but women like you are enticing. You’re the whole package, Bex—intelligent, successful, driven, sexy, sweet—and that is a powerful combination.
You said you wanted to be mine. Remember that, Bex, for both our sakes.
Like most of your third dates, tonight was a game changer—at least for me. The way you opened yourself up and asked for what you wanted sexually blew my mind. It was positively cruel when you said you wanted me to take you bare tonight. You were testing me, pushing my buttons, but that’s okay because I’m not going to waver. I’ve given in with certain things, but we’re not going any further sexually until our last date.
I caught what you were saying tonight—you want forever with me—and I want that as well. We have all the time in the world, Bex, and I can’t wait to share forever with you.
Third date recap: We made it past the hump with flying colors. There are four more dates left, but you only get to pick the next three. Date seven will be my surprise.
I wish instead of making notes we’d talked about how we were feeling to each other. Between his pages and mine, we’re feeling many of the same things. Maybe if we hadn’t focused so much on the dates being perfect and put that effort into communicating our feelings better, we wouldn’t be in this mess we’re in now.
Fourth date:
Bexley,
Today you showed your true nature. You compromised what you would’ve wanted for a date to make me happy. I’m blown away by your kindness and will forever love you for it. Granted, I know it wasn’t completely altruistic. You had your own motives, and being in my arms most of the night was the driving force. You should know that isn’t the slightest hardship for me. If I had my choice, you’d be in my arms as often as possible.
I’d say there were three highlights of my night tonight: the first being the expression on your face when I bought you a funnel cake of your own. Sometimes it’s as if you don’t think I know you. I’d like to think I know you better than anyone else.
The second was carrying you in from the car. When I looked down at your sleeping face, I imagined seeing that same perfection each morning for the rest of my life. That’s a future I�
�d love to be a part of.
The third was when you stumbled over your words and asked me to sleep with you. I knew what you were getting at, and I had no intention of letting you sleep alone after spending Halloween in a theme park geared to instill fear. You can barely watch a suspenseful movie without needing someone to hold your hand. It won’t be easy, but it will be my absolute pleasure to be what helps you through the night.
Fourth date recap: Perfection in every way. Three left to go until you’re mine. Or until I’m yours, but if you want the truth—I already am.
All the feels! I can’t turn the page fast enough. Maybe there’s a clue somewhere about where he is.
Fifth date:
Before:
Bexley,
For the first time since we started our dates, I’m having doubts. I can’t tell if you’re even aware that you were flirting with Finn, but I’m choosing to believe it’s a subconscious thing. I don’t think you’d ever hurt me intentionally, but you did.
Why couldn’t you tell him I was the guy you’re dating? I’m not sure you’ve ever hurt my feelings before, but today, for the first time, you did.
After:
This day was emotional. Everything I felt earlier about Finn got flipped upside down when Maria called. I’m pretty sure we’ve worked everything out now, but if there are any lingering doubts in your mind, I’m sorry.
I never wanted you to know that I almost killed myself. I can’t stand the thought of you feeling sorry for me or seeing me as weak. It was a long time ago, and I was a mixed-up kid filled with fear and anxiety, resentment and pain. The only reason I told you, aside from it having to do with your nickname, is because Maria called.
Bex, moving with Maria was never an option. I loved her in my own way, and I was sad when she left. Losing someone and missing them is hard, but relationships end. Had it been you who had moved across the country for a job, I would’ve packed right along with you and relocated my company. What does that tell you?
Never doubt my love for you, Bexley; it’s the one thing in my entire life that I know without a doubt I got right.
Tuesday is date number six; we’re getting closer. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us.
At the end of each date, it feels like I can exhale. Can you tell how nervous I am? You’ve banished guys for much less than an ex trying to get back together. On the one hand, you know me better than anyone. You of all people should know my quirks inside and out, and I’m probably worrying needlessly. But on the other hand, we’ve never shared our intimate sides. What if I kiss funny? Use too much tongue, or forget to pop a mint?
There are only two more dates left, and then hopefully, these ridiculous thoughts will be out of my mind for good. Unless you break my heart.
Bexley, please don’t do that.
Fifth date recap:
I feel closer to you than I ever have. It’s terrifying in the best kind of way. If I can get past your outings with Finn this week and you can stop worrying about Maria, I think we’ll be fine.
Oh Tristan, I’m so very sorry.
Sixth date:
Bexley,
Tonight was the best date ever. Well, it’s tied with the boyfriend experience but for completely different reasons. You completely topped the amusement park on Halloween. I love that we can be ourselves and enjoy each other without all the difficult aspects of a date. The best part was seeing the excitement on your face when you realized how much I loved the arcade. That feeling of being happy because you made someone else happy is heady, isn’t it? And knowing that’s how you felt lured me into a false sense of security that you feel the same way about me as I do about you. I want to believe you do, you’ve shown me in many ways, but with date seven lingering over our heads, I’m afraid to trust it yet.
In the beginning, our dates were supposed to be about you, but lately, they’ve been about me. Why is that? I’m supposed to be the one giving you experiences. The goal was for me to give you all the dates you ever wanted so I could make you realize we’re the perfect match. What happened, instead, is that with each passing date, I’m falling deeper in love with my best friend.
I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to do for our seventh date on Thursday. I wish we could fly to Hawaii and spend a long, relaxing weekend alone. Instead, I need to think on a smaller scale because this isn’t the ideal time of year for either of us to take a break from work. I’ll figure it out soon, and hopefully, you’ll love it.
Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed tonight. Once again, you’ve shown me why we’re a perfect match. If only I could get rid of this lingering anxiety about us. When I hugged you good night, I didn’t want to let you go. I’ve got a niggling fear that we won’t make it through date seven, and nothing has ever scared me more.
I know dating you wasn’t a mistake, but if we don’t make it, I can’t see a way forward—that’s what’s terrifying. I’ve never been one to let fear hold me back, and I’m not going to start now.
Sixth date recap:
Perfection in every way. Hopefully, I won’t let you down for date seven, but even if I do, remember I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me. See you Thursday, Bex.
He still doesn’t see it. Everything became about him because nothing brings me more happiness than when he is happy. It’s clear Tristan loves me—I only wish he’d open his eyes and see how much I adore him. The two of us belong together.
Non-date:
Bexley,
Today, I figured out what would be the perfect seventh date. I took a half day off from work, caught up with an old acquaintance, and heard a love story for the ages. If there was ever a sign we’re on the right track, that would have been the one.
When Adam picked me up, I was excited to meet up with you. Adam told me Sasha was working, so we decided to go to Just an Illusion for pool and darts. Plus, he’d heard a rumor Eli was going to be there, and I was even more excited. I know how much you love him. It was going to be a great night.
Imagine my surprise when you walked in with Finn. His hand pressed against the small of your back was the first of many betrayals. After I told you about my parents, you could’ve told me you had feelings for him, Bex. You didn’t need to pretend to dislike him, and you really didn’t need to put on a show about how you felt about me. Unless you were trying to make him jealous, and if that’s the case, well done.
As the evening progressed, I watched the two of you with rapt attention. I tried calling you, and it went straight to voicemail. You seemed content to stay in your bubble with him. Did you need that liquid courage to admit to yourself you had feelings for him? Probably, because there was no shortage of affection between the two of you.
If you haven’t already figured it out—date seven is off. Somehow, I don’t think that will bother you. It’s become quite clear you aren’t as into me as I am you.
The saddest part of this whole thing is that tonight I really need my best friend, and she isn’t available. We fucked this entire thing up, Bex, and for that, I’m sorry. I’m leaving for a few days, and I’m going to be looking for a new place to live. I can’t exist in the same space as you. Not when you’re all I see when I close my eyes. My rational mind knew it was over when the two of you walked into the bar together, but my heart hasn’t received the memo yet.
Be happy, Bex. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
Tristan
As tears stream down my cheeks, I dial Tristan’s number. It rings and rings before going to voicemail. He’s avoiding me.
“Tristan.” His name falls from my lips on a sob. Maybe he’ll realize how messed up I am. “We have a lot to talk about. I just read your date notes, and I . . . please don’t leave me, Tris. Don’t move out and don’t ever say I’m not available for you. I will be there for you until my dying breath. Call me, or better yet, come home . . .”
I keep rereading his last note. I’m so
angry with him for not talking to me at the bar. I understand why he didn’t, sort of, but it’s not an excuse. I have so much more to say to him, so I call him again. I’ll fill his voicemail if I have to.
“Tris, please think about this rationally. We were in a public place. A place the two of us and our friends frequent often. Go to Just an Illusion and ask Sasha; I’m pretty sure they hooked up last night.”
And another one.
“Tristan, this is ridiculous. In ten years, you’ve never ignored me. I deserve more from you than this, and so does our friendship. Do you want to know what was happening when I had my head on Finn’s shoulder? When he had his arm wrapped around mine? Besides the alcohol hitting me fast, thanks to Sasha, I was singing your praises. All night, I talked his ear off about you. I told him more things than were appropriate for co-workers, but I couldn’t help it. You were all that was on my mind. This is the happiest I’ve ever been, and I know you felt the same.”
After the last message, I go into my room, retrieve my dating journal, and come back to Tris’s bed. I’ve got one more entry to make.
Tris,
You made a few non-date entries so now I’m going to make one from the night I showed Finn around, and my life fell apart.
The good parts:
Finn coming clean and explaining why he acted like a territorial ass. He apologized, and I took him at his word. He respected my relationship with you.
Seeing a side of Finn that was fun and watching him and Sasha flirt all night
As the alcohol kicked in, all I could think of was you. Finn and Sasha thought it was hilarious. I was like a love-sick puppy. Every word out of my mouth was “Tristan this,” and “Tristan that.”
Watching Eli play a set. It doesn’t matter how old I get, he’ll always ignite the inner teenager within.
Going home with a plan. I desperately wanted date seven to be a slumber party and for it to happen last night. I missed you terribly and wanted to connect with you. I had this crazy idea we could stay up all night talking and make love at dawn to bring in not only the new day, date eight but also the rest of our lives.