by D. Kelly
The bad parts:
You failed to give me the benefit of the doubt. This might be the worst dating fuck-up of all my dates ever, and it kills me that it came from you. I know what you saw and how terribly that must have hurt, but I also know how I felt and how truly innocent everything you witnessed was. Instead of coming down and talking to me, you treated me how you would treat a stranger. Even if our relationship isn’t strong enough yet to deserve more, our friendship should’ve been. You’re not the only one who’s devastated.
Coming home and you being gone. I didn’t know the gravity of what went down until the following morning, but my poor drunken heart was shattered when I realized you weren’t home.
Learning how badly I’d hurt you. I wasn’t in the wrong completely, but I’ll own my part in it. I’d never hurt you that way intentionally, and I think you know that deep down.
Not calling you. This is one hundred percent on me. I was selfish. I didn’t want you or Finn to have each other’s numbers. I should have used a bar phone or Sasha’s, or even the drunk guy next to me, who practically knocked me off my stool and straight into Finn.
You believing the worst in us. One of the things that makes me happy about dating my best friend is that we are stronger together. There is only one thing about me other people know that you don’t. If you want to know what it is, you’re going to have to talk to me.
You moving out. This is unacceptable and completely disrespectful. I hope you’re speaking from fear and not from your heart. If you don’t want to date anymore, that sucks, but we’ll get past it. Tossing ten years of friendship down the drain because you got your feelings hurt is shitty. I would never do that to you.
You canceled date seven. I’m going to give you some grace on this one because you were drinking and things escalated. In my mind, date seven is temporarily postponed and will be re-addressed at a later time.
Non-date recap:
It really sucked. But here are a few things that don’t:
The way you kiss me. That really, really doesn’t suck. You can knock that off your list of worries.
The way you look at me as if I’m the only person you see. It’s obvious I’ve been dating all the wrong men, but that’s okay because they led me to you.
You’re the only person I know who hates dancing as much as I do. This fact alone makes us best friends for life.
No matter how upset I am at you, I forgive you.
No matter how upset you are at me, you’ll forgive me. Maybe you already have.
No matter how crappy this learning experience is, we will grow from it and become better friends. Failure is not an option.
There is no one in the world I want in my life more than you. You’re the person I want to share my secrets with, tell my problems to, and live my best life with.
I could go on for days, but I’m crying too hard and opt to curl up in Tristan’s bed instead. If he doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’m going back to his office. I’ve got a plan, but today, I just need to be sad.
The incessant pounding on my door wakes me up. I don’t even bother throwing on clothes as I stumble to see who it is. When I crack it open, Adam’s smug grin is staring back at me.
I turn around and head back to my bed, and he follows me inside.
“Nice boxers.”
“Fuck you,” I mutter, and he tsks at me.
“If you paid me any attention, you’d notice I have coffee and breakfast for you, although by now it’s more like linner.”
My brain isn’t working yet, but I do reach out and take the coffee he’s offering. “What the hell is linner?”
“Damn, you’re dense. Lunch and dinner combined? Linner. It’s three in the afternoon, Tris. Have you really been asleep all day?”
The scent of coffee reminds me of Bexley, since coffee is her favorite food group, but I push the thought away and take a sip. I have a lot to do today, and apparently, I’ve lost most of it.
I answer him after I swallow. “I didn’t sleep much last night, and I got up early to call Rudy and cancel tonight’s date.”
Adam takes a seat by the window after letting some light into the room. I blink as my eyes adjust, and he shakes his head. “You’re being ridiculous, and I mean that in the most loving of ways.”
“Thanks,” I mutter but reach for the breakfast he brought.
“I’ve talked to Rita, and Bexley, and Sasha. I took the day off work to do your recon. I know right now you’re all up in your feelings, but what I can’t figure out is why. Tell me or don’t—I don’t really care right now. You need to fix this before you lose Bexley for good.”
I put the sandwich down and take a deep breath. “I’m moving out.”
“Then you deserve to lose her.”
“She made that choice!” The smug look he’s wearing is really pissing me off.
“No, she didn’t. I’m tired of playing the middleman here. I’m going to give this to you straight: you’ve got your head up your ass on this one, Tris.”
“Were you not sitting right next to me last night?”
He leans forward, elbows on his knees. “I was, and for the first time in my life, I fully understand the concept of the way things looking not being what they appear to be. I put in the work this morning, and I had answers in less than two hours. Bexley adores you, Tris, and she’s a wreck. I’ve spent the last ten years watching you piss away every opportunity to have the girl of your dreams, so if you fuck this up, I don’t ever want to hear you mention her name again.”
“So what? You’re team Bexley on this one?”
I’m pissed. Why is he defending her?
Adam throws his arms up in the air and yells, “Why not? She didn’t do anything wrong except get overserved without her knowledge! Sasha feels awful. And for the record, Sasha fucked Finn last night on her break. Let that sink in.”
My mind is working hard to wrap around that detail. That’s . . . new.
“Look, you’re hungover and working through your shit. I get it. Listen to your messages. Be mad if you want to be. Stay here through the weekend like you planned, but don’t do anything else stupid. You already canceled date seven, which was the dumbest thing ever.”
“I’m not in any kind of frame of mind to even attempt taking Bex out.”
“Well, she’s probably not in the frame of mind to go out, but a phone call might help put her at ease.”
Speaking of phones, I power mine on, and the notifications ping like crazy. It looks like they’re all from her. She even texted me, and Bexley doesn’t text if she doesn’t have to.
My eyes meet Adam’s, and he shrugs. “Told you, she’s a mess. Maybe you guys haven’t said it yet, but you have to know she’s head over heels in love with you, Tris.”
I groan as I scroll through the messages. Bex isn’t the only one trying to get ahold of me; so is my office. Looks like Bex went there earlier. “Fuck, Adam. What am I doing?”
“I don’t know, but you need to figure it out.”
“How can I be wrong about last night? I felt each one of their flirty touches in my gut.”
He laughs. “Maybe I shouldn’t have given you the alcohol. I need to own my part in how fucked up the night went. Once I realized you weren’t going to talk to her, I should have gone down and told them we were there. But try to remember exactly what you saw last night; maybe it will help calm you down because one thing I can assure you is that they didn’t have any shared caresses. That is such a pussy word, by the way.”
I finish off my coffee before responding. “Pussy word or not, you know what it means.”
Adam’s phone vibrates across the table, and he wears a self-satisfied smirk after checking it. “Are you going home tonight?”
“No. I need time to process and think.”
“All right. If you’re still processing tomorrow, call me, and I’ll tell you what this message says. I gotta go because even though I took the day off for you,
I’m not about to miss the opportunity for a booty call. You know how to get ahold of me if you want to talk.”
“Thanks, Adam.”
“You’re my boy, Tris—that isn’t going to change. But if you could get your head straight, so everyone doesn’t think my best friend is an idiot, that would be great.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that. God forbid you be reflected in a negative light.”
Adam pauses at the door. “Seriously, don’t fuck this up. It’s going to affect us all if you do.”
After Adam leaves, I take a shower and brush my teeth. I pull out my laptop to check my email, but I can’t concentrate. My phone beckons, and even though I don’t want to hear her voice, ten years of friendship can’t be ignored. I need to know she’s okay.
Each message that plays, she goes through a range of emotions. Calm, frantic, hysterical, sobbing, and worst of all, devastated. I scroll through her texts, and the last one I can’t ignore.
Bexley: At least text me back and let me know you’re alive.
Me: I’m alive.
It’s all I’ve got for her until I figure this out. The one thing I’m trying to remind myself of is that Bex isn’t my mom, and she isn’t a cheater. These issues are mine, and while I’m upset with her right now, I’m more upset with myself. I can’t shake how last night affected me, but I’m not so stubborn that I can’t admit it isn’t all her fault. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have walked down there the second they got to the bar.
I spend the next hour looking for apartments, and then I spend another two hours looking for houses. If I’m going to move, it doesn’t make sense to rent anymore. I’m not sure what is going to happen with Bex and me, but the more I think about it, distance doesn’t seem like a bad idea. We’ve spent the past four years living together, and maybe, if we truly want to date and make a relationship happen, living apart is a better idea.
I’ve saved some links and emailed a realtor, and I’m ready to dive into some work when my stomach growls. I look over at the rest of the sandwich Adam brought and eliminate that as an option.
I could call Bex, extend an olive branch, and listen to her side of the story. Instead, I order room service and work through the night. It’s better to push Bex off. With my emotions all over the place, the last thing I want to do is talk to her and make things worse.
Friday afternoon comes, and I still haven’t spoken to Bex, and she hasn’t tried contacting me since yesterday.
After going through some resumes for the CFO position, I head down to the hotel gym to work off some of my aggression. I’m thinking about going to the office to do some game testing. Being in this hotel is making me stir-crazy.
An attractive woman is using the elliptical across from my treadmill. She watches me with a lascivious gaze, and I do my best to keep my eyes on the television and not her bouncing breasts. The last thing I want or need right now is another complication in my life.
“Thought I’d find you here.” Adam stands in front of me, and I’m thankful for the distraction.
“You know me well.”
“Talk to Bexley yet?”
“Nope.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets. “Gonna do something about that?”
“Not planning on it today.”
Adam smiles. “So tomorrow morning over pancakes at Rudy’s then?”
Fuck . . . I slow my pace to start my cool-down. “It honestly hadn’t crossed my mind.”
“I figured as much. If you don’t go tomorrow, your friendship will never recover. Rudy’s on a Saturday morning is an institution for the two of you, even if you don’t go every week like you used to. I guarantee you, tomorrow, she’ll be there.” Adam waits quietly as I wipe down the machine and myself.
“Did she send you here to remind me?” I ask.
We walk side by side back to my room. “Nah, thought you might want to grab a drink in the bar. It’s Friday night, and Rita’s spending it with Bex, and Ben and Jerry.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Let me shower, and then we can eat and have a couple of drinks.”
The second I come out of the bathroom after my shower, Adam flips out on me.
“Are you serious with this shit, Tris?” he asks. He’s got my computer on his lap, and I’ve left the real estate links up.
“I’m allowed to plan my future, Adam.”
“Are you including Bex in these plans?”
I pocket my phone and my wallet and sit down to put on my shoes. “Eventually, I’ll have to tell her.”
Adam closes the computer and sets it aside. “I feel like I don’t even know who you are right now.”
“That makes two of us.”
We go down to the bar in complete silence and choose a booth so we can get food. Once we’ve ordered, and we have our drinks, I figure it’s time to explain my thought process. “I love Bex. I think I always have. She’s the only one who knows that when we were in high school, my mom had an affair.”
Adam’s eyes widen, but he motions for me to continue.
“I guess I never said anything because it was hard enough to deal with myself. I didn’t want anyone else judging my dad for staying or my mom for what happened. The guy could have been Finn. Same swagger, arrogance, etcetera.”
“Damn, Tris. That’s rough.”
I pick at the label on my bottle. “It is what it is, but it’s why this whole thing has gotten to me. I told Bex everything a few days ago because I figured she should know why I disliked him so much.”
“And when she seemed to be into him, it fucked with you even more.”
“Exactly.”
Adam motions the waitress for two more beers and finishes his off. “If that hadn’t happened, would you be considering moving?”
“No, but the more I think about falling in love with Bex, the more I wonder if living together is doing us a disservice.”
“How so?”
“She’s never had a relationship. Shouldn’t she get to experience it the right way? The nerves, the anticipation, all of the firsts? Not to mention, we already live together. We have to be blurring a million different lines.”
“You’re overthinking this. I’m not saying the idea doesn’t have some merit, but Bex has been on more dates than anyone I know. The two of you have built one of the strongest foundations I’ve ever seen for a relationship. I can’t help but feel like you’re going to fuck it all up if you do this.”
I’m still nervously picking at the label of my bottle. “Everything is already fucked up.”
“It doesn’t have to be. Look, man, I’m no relationship expert, but I’ve got some experience with the two of you. Just talk to her. You guys will figure this out one way or another.”
The waitress brings our beers and burgers, and we dig in. Once we’ve finished eating, we shoot the shit for a bit longer until Adam needs to leave.
“All right, man, I’m out,” Adam announces.
“Early night for you.”
He scoffs. “Nah, just need a nap before my late night booty call.”
“Things are getting serious with you and Rita?”
Adam reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “We’re taking things slow, but not letting the dating dictate our fucking. She’s the female version of me, so it’s cool. And this is a reminder for you.” He holds his phone out to me, and it’s a text from Bexley. She sent it yesterday.
Bexley: Thank you for being a good friend. Can you please remind Tristan we have breakfast Saturday morning at Rudy’s? Usual time, usual booth. If he gives you shit, remind him there isn’t anything that can’t be worked out over chocolate chip pancakes.
“This is why you tracked me down tonight?” I ask with a frustrated sigh.
He pockets his phone. “I tracked you down because that’s what friends do—we check in. But I also told you yesterday if you hadn’t talked to Bex, I’d tell you what the message was about. Two birds,
one stone. I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this crazy little triad of ours and getting none of the fringe benefits. Except dinner and drinks. Those are on you—it’s the least you can do.”
I laugh for the first time in two days. “Get out of here . . . and thanks, Adam, for trying to pull my head out of my ass.”
“Did it work?”
“We’ll see.”
After paying the bill, I go back to my room and dive into work emails and more resumes. There’s one that stands out among them all, and normally, I’d discuss it with Bex, but I can’t.
Not being able to talk to her about something as simple as a resume leads me down a rabbit hole of other things I can’t talk to her about. Maybe Adam is right, and I need to clear the air between us. My world revolves around Bexley—without her, life doesn’t make sense. But whenever I think of her, my chest aches, and I can’t catch my breath. If this is what true love feels like, I’m not sure I want it anymore.
I’ve been sitting outside Rudy’s for fifteen minutes. Bexley is inside, and I feel more like an asshole than anything.
When I enter the diner, Rudy himself is at the counter, and he motions for me to follow him. “You kept the pretty lady waiting. It gave me the opportunity to keep her company for a bit. I was disappointed you didn’t make it the other night.”
I pull an envelope from my pocket and pass it to him. “A deal is a deal. I was disappointed as well, but I think it was for the best.”
“I think it was my Mary’s way of wanting in on the fun. Today is her birthday, after all. Enjoy your breakfast.” He pats my shoulder and walks away, leaving me standing awkwardly at our table.
It hasn’t even been two full days since I’ve seen her, and my first instinct is to lean down and hug her. Breathing becomes easier in her proximity, but she’s always had that effect on me. She doesn’t look like she’s been sleeping well, but she’s still absolutely gorgeous. I wasn’t sure I could do this, but even though it hurts, I know this is where I need to be. The thought of losing her stabs me in the heart as our eyes meet for the first time in days.