Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews
Page 28
5 of 10 people found the following review helpful
Shear Fun!
By Ninja Emery, December 2, 2012
I found this book to be a lot of fun. My seven kitties did not. After I sheared the first two (Sleepy and Dopey), the other five were nowhere to be seen. They weren’t even hiding in the litter box. Luckily I got enough fur off the first two—plus what I found on the couch cushions and my good winter coat—to knit them both sweaters because, hey, naked cats just look horrible, you know? And they were shivering. Spitting, hissing, and shivering. But other than that, you should buy this book. It’s FUN!
6 of 12 people found the following review helpful
Amazing
By pd0c, July 17, 2012
I bought this book with the realization that I am not the only cat-hair-mad person out there, and wow, was I impressed!!! I used to try and sculpt the balls of fluff I collected whilst brushing my 26+ cats, but without this book’s direction I never quite managed to make anything of real beauty. I then spent a while collecting cat nail clippings and tried my best to integrate this, to no avail. For a while, I collected their feces and tried to use this as a pallet to attach everything to, but all I ended up with was something that resembled high-impact roadkill. Now with the help of this book, I’ve actually started shaving all of my cats so that I can eagerly create every last one of these unique designs. Who knows, I might actually be able to gain the skills to make that cat-hair wig for my daddy one day.
7 of 9 people found the following review helpful
What better way to celebrate the memory of the one you loved?
By Alexandra Szarkowski, November 14, 2012
My cat died nearly a year ago, but to me he lives on—on the sofa, in the vents, on my black clothes. Instead of being a pity-kitty, I spent the mourning period getting crafty! Now with the holidays around the corner, I’m all set: sweaters, tea cosies, and golf-club covers for the boys…it definitely doesn’t stop at finger puppets (though I made an ADORABLE nativity set). Thanks to Kayori, my dead cat is the gift that keeps on giving.
34 of 71 people found the following review helpful
Before finding this, I was cat-atonic
By Erika L Mott, February 16, 2012
Thank God! Before finding this beautifully crafted piece of literature, life was monotonous: I’d come home after a long day of arguing with birch trees to a large bowl of Ramen and a book of Sudoku. Now, my life has changed! I’m going out more, thanks to the increased confidence from my haute couture cat-hair sweaters and handbags. I’ve even started speed dating, and it’s great because I have something to talk about besides my Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I have 73 cats in my apartment, so I have a lot to work with, and I’m thinking of opening a store on etsy.
104 of 137 people found the following review helpful
Strictly for dilettantes
By Rachel Garrick, August 18, 2012
Finger puppets? Coin purses? Please. Newcomers to the craft may well be amused by these trifles, but long-time cat-hair crafters will despair at the paucity of projects in this book. Where are the cat-hair socks, scarves, and mittens (always a favourite at Christmastime)? What about more ambitious projects, like a cat-hair mattress, or a made-to-scale miniature cat-hair model of the Taj Mahal? Distressingly, the author doesn’t even touch on cat-hair cookery—a tragically wasted opportunity to bring cat-hair culinary arts into the mainstream. Disappointing.
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
Crafting Purrrfection!
By Jerome Albertson, August 2, 2013
Meow! What a purrrrfect way to expand your crafting skills! If you’re anything like me, you’ve been sitting on a goldmine of animal hair in your apartment, not knowing what to do with it. I mean, how many times can you try sneaking handfuls of cat hair in trick-or-treaters’ Halloween bags, or stuffing it into your utility bill payment as “insulation”?
Let’s face it: people don’t like cat hair unless it is woven into arts & crafts.
So it’s a good thing I got this book and started “cat-crafting.” I’ve been so busy ever since! Half the time I’m in my apartment, ferociously knitting feline fur into crafts and even garments. I made 3 “siamese” socks already. The rest of my time, I’m out there pounding the pavement with my garbage bag in one hand and cat-shaver in the other. I guess I’m “that guy”—you know, the one who shaves all the cats.
The book is very helpful in guiding you to the perfect cat-crafts. What it doesn’t mention is you can use the same techniques with raccoon, possum, or rat hair. Possum hair is a bit scratchy but makes for a solid sweater or watchband. I don’t recommend working with rat hair unless you have a good herd of them living with you—like my buddy “Rough Randy” does. Cats are known to attack rats and get into that hair supply themselves. So the two are pretty much incompatible for crafting purposes.
The book also forgets to mention that some people are allergic to cat fur. For example, if your girlfriend is allergic, the time to warn her is BEFORE she hops into bedsheets made entirely of cat hairs. You also need to check your boss for allergies, before you surprise him at Arby’s with an elaborate gift of crafted cat hair. Could really cost you a job when that happens.
Stumpy’s favorite book is Crafting with Cat Hair. He’s a Manx cat who was born in Vancouver, WA, and enjoys crafting, sleeping, and chasing shadows.
Kazaam
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/6304501676
3.6 out of 5 stars
Name: Kazaam (VHS Tape) (1996)
ASIN: 6304501676
Price: $4.95
Description: (not available)
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
There’s only one Shaq Diesel
By Jeff Gough, December 15, 2005
Shaq Diesel (aka Shaquille O’Neal) has done what few professional athletes have ever accomplished—successfully crossed over to the big screen. I like the cover of this movie. Still have yet to see the whole thing, but not because I didn’t want to watch it—I keep seeming to get interrupted, and I’m starting to get a little frustrated. Based on Shaq’s other endeavors (rap albums, sense of style, etc.) I can GUARANTEE this movie is high caliber. I feel like Shaq really likes kids, which is fun. I’m the sure the movie is fun, too!
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
This movie rocks
By Tarun Shetty, May 2, 2004
Shaq is a genius. I’ve seen him play basketball, and his acting skills are far challenged. If he’s a method actor, he has successfully demonstrated a new method that no one has ever seen before. I also went to NYU film school, and this movie was used in class as an inspirational tool. Forget about the whole genie aspect. I mean, a seven-foot black dude comes out of a bottle and grants wishes! This movie deserves 30,000 stars. If I had a genie I would wish for Kazaam II.
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Action-Packed Thriller of the Season!
By S. Brown, May 12, 2004
For years the pundits said he would never make it. “Go home” they said. “You’re finished in this business.” But being the fighter he was, Shaq carried on. When he announced to the world he would begin a career in acting, the world thought he could never make it. But make it he did. His debut movie, Kazaam, proved once and for all that basketball players can act. His star performance in Kazaam was topped only by his rap career. Silencing his critics, Shaquille went on to perform in many great commercials, such as for Burger King and Radio Shack. Shaq is such a great actor and basketball player. I am glad he is my friend.
30 of 33 people found the following review helpful
Shaq can do it all.
By Johny Bottom, December 15, 2004
Shaq is truly God’s gift to the world. He can sing, he can act, he can toss free throws. Let’s face it, the man can do it all.
Kazaam is a movie unli
ke any other. Now some would say that Shaq’s acting is so wooden he could play Pinnochio, but I argue with that. Shaq was playing a genie, a magical, rapping, abracadabra, hocus-pocus genie. The hippest, illest, defest, genie you ever laid eyes on. It is not for us to rate this film, it is for us to thank Shaq for taking the time to make this movie.
Now some would say that he can’t even act his way through a 30-second commercial for Nestle Crunch or Burger King. I argue the point again. Shaq has the intelligence and mastery of the English language that we mortals can only hope to achieve. He is the reigning king of entertainment.
Others will also say that the man is slightly challenged and that if not for his great height, he would be lucky to ride the back of a garbage truck in Chicago as a sanitation engineer. I say those people have a real attitude problem.
Shaq can do it all. I am looking forward to his opera album, his cooking show, his line of BVD briefs, and last but certainly not least, I am looking forward to Shaq teaming up with Ice-T. Shaq will take over lead guitar duties for the reformed Body Count. Of course I hope his Broadway run doesn’t interfere with the world tour.
Rock on Shaq, it’s your world. We only breathe your air.
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful
KAZAAM IS OFF THE FASHIZZLE DIZZLE
By Yohance McDouglas, May 1, 2004
This is cleary the best movie ever created, by humans (that would exclude good burger, which of course was made by koala bears). Shaquille O’Neal is a very talented actor and rapper, plus I heard he plays a little basketball. I wonder if he’s any good. There are many hilarious scenes in this instant classic. My favorite part is when Shaq makes it rain candy. I LOVE IT!!! I own 13 copies (no joking here). In short it’s a hilarious tale of a genie played by Shaq.
15 of 21 people found the following review helpful
Can’t stand Ka-zaam!!!!!
By Tom Stamatis, January 1, 2005
Jesus forgave us. Jesus forgave us all. He was unmercifully staked to a crucifix and left to slowly die, only to rise again and have to bear witness to the upchuck of a film entitled Kazaam. He gave us all a second chance, and unfortunately director Paul Michael Glaser used his second chance to create this blasphemous work of the devil. Well, let me tell you, Jesus is mad at us once again, and I don’t think he will ever forgive us this time. Kazaam depicts NBA star Shaquille O’Neal rapping (???) and acting (???) in scantily clad genie attire. Shaq’s acting (???) makes a Drano enema actually seem like a pleasurable experience. It even makes his free-throw ability shine in comparison. I’m still dumbfounded by how someone that made such timeless greats as Shaq Diesel and my all time favorite game Shaq Fu could bomb so bad on a movie with a script as awing as this one. You can pick up a previewed VHS copy here on Amazon.com for $0.85. I find it funny that a blank VHS tape will run you $1.00. I saved myself some money by buying a few copies of Kazaam instead of blank tapes and used them to record Small Wonder reruns. This is the only reason one should purchase Kazaam. If anyone is thinking of buying a copy and actually viewing it, don’t! You would be better off using that $0.85 to buy a handful of rusty nails and chewing them for the approximate running time of 1 hr. 45 mins. Trust me, your time and money will be much better spent this way. I gave this film (???) 1 out of 5 stars only because Amazon.com doesn’t allow you to give 0 stars. I wish I could rate this 0 stars. In fact, I wish I could take away stars from some of the other reviewers. Hey, maybe Mr. Kazaam can help me out here. Mr. Kazaam, grant me these three wishes:
1. Give this movie 0 stars.
2. Don’t allow Shaq to ever act/rap again.
3. Erase this movie from my memory banks for it has scared me for life.
10 of 14 people found the following review helpful
Explosive Tour de Force
By A Customer, March 24, 1999
Showing that the acting skill he showed in Blue Chips was by no means a fluke, basketball phenomenon and rap superstar Shaquille O’Neal returns to the increasingly comfortable confines of the silver screen to show the world that Shaq Diesel is at least a three-trick pony after all. Underachieving, alcoholic, street poet Kazaam (O’Neal) would like nothing more than to crawl up and die inside a bottle. When things appear to be at their most desperate, enter the highly opportunistic Max Conner (Francis Capra), who takes him under his wing. The young Conner promises that the exertion will be great, but the payoff will be greater. Through their business and personal relationship, Kazaam gets the opportunity to bounce ideas around with a veritable Who’s Who among Manhattan’s literary glitterati. What Kazaam doesn’t know is that Conner isn’t on the up and up, believes that he “owns” Kazaam, and wants Kazaam to follow the letter of his law at all costs. The personal crises that rage behind Kazaam’s delicate facade fuel the action of the second half of this film, leading up to a powerful ending that will leave you surprised and exhausted. After pushing his dramatic range in Blue Chips, many might have expected a sophomore slump for Shaq. Those predictions are soundly put to rest with his Kazaam. More than anything, this film is a study in present-day race relations wrapped in action-drama clothing, and Kazaam’s moral and personal awakening is at the center. Newcomer Capra is perfectly fine as the thinly veiled racist with an agenda, but without Shaq’s wonderful—and most of all, believable—performance, this film could have come across as preachy. As Kazaam stands, however, it is a marvel. One can’t help but wonder how this script escaped Spike Lee. No matter, since Paul Michael Glaser picked this one up running. Once you’ve seen it, and invariably seen it again, you’ll know that this was one project that was a “slam dunk.”
Great movie
By Hayden Dennis, June 26, 2013
When I bought this movie, I watched it and I felt like Kazaam had instantly granted my wish for best cinema experience of all time. I laughed, I cried, I screamed wishes just hoping Shaq would listen. Would highly recommend.
Mustache Pacifier
Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007M2OG86
4.6 out of 5 stars
Name: Mustache Pacifier
ASIN: B007M2OG86
Price: $9.46
The Mustache Pacifier will bring the handlebar mustache back in style! Made from baby-grade silicone and nontoxic plastic, this funny pacifier keeps infants quiet, provides laughter for lucky parents, and comes with a handy storage shell. Babies will gain an innate appreciation for facial hair trends. Everyone is happy when the Mustachifier is equipped!
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
My godson turned into Tom Selleck
By Richard Rodgers, December 8, 2012
Do you have any trees on your property you want cut down but are too enthralled by the latest episode of Breaking Bad? Are you constantly being hassled by chicks? Get your baby this pacifier, and he’ll act not only as a resident lumberjack but he’ll also distract your lady friends even longer, allowing you to finish off that episode you’ve paused 8 times already.
gr8
By Buffunny, February 16, 2013
Got this for my friend’s grandbaby. She LOVED it since she herself has a mustache as well—just kidding. She would die if she knew I wrote this!
31 of 53 people found the following review helpful
WARNING: DOES NOT PACIFY MUSTACHES
By Aaron A, October 12, 2012
I’ll never buy from Fred & Friends again. This product was an utter disaster. I’ve worn a beard for 15 years, but when I got married, my wife asked me to start shaving my mustache. It was out of control. It had serious anger issues. There were times when it literally frightened my wife with its violence. That first shave was a painful experience. I’ll never forget the screams of hirsute horror. I saw the Mustache Pacifier and HAD to have one. I know my mustache can be a lot to handle, but it’s just so magnetic, so dastardly. Maybe it was just wishful thinking or some weird form of codependency, but I just knew someone must have finally figured out a way to pacify a mustache with anger issues. Make it
more…genteel. When I received the product, it looked just as the pictures show, but maybe a bit smaller than I expected. I stopped shaving immediately and took to holding the pacifier between my lips just as the pictures showed whenever my burgeoning mustache started feeling unruly. At first, I thought things were working. Maybe I just wanted it to work that badly. After a week, my wife had completely stopped kissing me. She said she was becoming afraid again. Like before. After two weeks, I had to take time off work, for two reasons: 1) The mustache’s outbursts were becoming more frequent, and 2) I had to use the mustache pacifier more frequently as a result of (1). Clients were just as turned off by the pacifier as they were by the vitriol. Nevertheless, I believed. I used up all my vacation time for 2012 to try to make things work. I took personal days after that. Finally, I took a leave of absence. But now, 12 weeks in, I’ve got to be done. I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost everything but my wife, who will undoubtedly be next if I don’t just shave off the thing. Frankly, there might be one use left for the mustache pacifier before I just chuck it in the garbage. You know how kids will take any old piece of junk and turn it into a toy? I think, if I get up the courage to rid myself of the mustache, I’ll just give the stupid thing to my daughters. Maybe they’ll figure out a better use for it.
Best baby gift we got!
By andy reno, June 6, 2013
Yes, it is a one-trick pony…give the baby a mustache. But we love it, and we can’t go ten steps in public without total strangers laughing at it, smiling, or just telling us it’s great. Highly recommended for any parent with a sense of humor. Also makes pirate outfits 10x better.