I was done.
* * *
Cracks.
I couldn't take any more punches.
Each word a solid blow, ripping me open as he struck.
We were standing on rocky ground to begin with, but it felt like a sense of betrayal when he brought it up.
I got it. I deserved it. But I was so done blaming myself for everything.
God, I was so tired of pretending to be okay. Pretending that everything didn't matter and I'd move on and be all right.
I wasn't. And I didn't know if I'd ever be.
After last night, I thought we were moving forward. Underneath the desire, there was something else. Something deeper. Something I thought was real.
And although I hadn't dared to dream about it in a long time, I felt something in me slowly die.
It wasn't until I stepped over a branch that I realized that in my hurry, I hadn't worn any shoes. Something scratched my heel, then the side of my foot. I paid no attention.
Was that what he thought of me all along? Had he even really cared? Or had he done it to get back on me?
I realized what he said hadn’t just hurt me. Part of me had been disappointed. I had a tiny hope, a hope that had grown into something else a few hours ago, only to realize I had to quash it.
And for the first time since I came here, the tears poured out, like a dam. I don’t think I could’ve stopped it if I’d tried.
I cried until there was nothing left in me.
I cried even when I didn’t understand why. There was no more mask, no more facade. It dropped off completely, and in those moments, I felt too raw.
All my fears, all my disappointments, all my failures, and all my regrets. All that we never became.
Despite it all, I felt a moment of clarity.
Good things didn’t last. Not for me.
I knocked. Kate opened the door, surprised, with Haley trailing behind her. She hugged me, the smell of chocolate and cinnamon, and a sense of comfort I felt bone-deep.
Chapter Thirteen
Fleeting
"Sherr? Oh my God, you're bleeding. Where are your shoes?" Kate asked.
"Please don't let him come in, don't let him come in,” I found myself repeating like a mantra.
Puzzled, Haley asked, "Who?"
Kate knew. Her eyes didn't miss anything. “It’s Chase, isn’t it?”
At the mention of his name, I shut my eyes and nodded.
I heard Kate mutter a string of curses.
“I’ve never heard you swear that much.” For some reason I found that funny.
“You’re shaking,” Kate muttered. After shuffling footsteps, I felt something heavy and warm drape over my shoulders. I looked and found it was a folded flannel sheet.
I smiled weakly. “Thank you.”
A look of concern crossed Haley’s face.
“I’m sorry,” I heard her say regretfully. “I want you to understand, I’d never have tried to push you together so hard if I thought he’d hurt you like this.”
I nodded in acknowledgement, holding her hand, letting her know I understood.
But I couldn’t say a word, as if by saying something, it would all come out and I would never recover.
* * *
I heard hushed whispers. I heard people come in and out. Sierra. Eva. Wes.
“Never seen her look like this,” came Paula’s voice, deeply concerned.
“Me neither,” Haley replied.
“I don’t know what he did to her, but he better expect to be deaf by the end of today,” I heard Kate say. I’d never heard her sound so stern. Not in a while.
I heard a knock from the door.
“Oh my God, he’s here,” I heard Haley say. “What do we do?”
Their voices were muffled.
A little while later, I heard the door unlock. Then the door shut. Their voices were raised so I could hear them, even though they were muffled.
"Chase," Kate warned.
"I just need to talk to her," I heard him say.
"This isn't a good time."
He said something, and then I heard the door shut firmly.
* * *
I had a warm cup of tea in my hand as Paula arranged photos in her album. The radio played softly in the background, a song I didn’t recognize. She mentioned traveling Europe around a year ago, and I let her steady, even voice wash over me as she told me about the places she visited.
I closed my eyes, just listening, wanting to forget.
* * *
Thunder roared in the clouds, the wind harsh and biting cold. It seemed to magnify the tumultuous emotions that were bubbling inside me.
I recognized this place. How? As I ran a hand over a familiar bench, I felt sick in my stomach.
I knew what was coming.
I didn’t know which was worse, that I was prepared for it, or that I had to go through it again.
We came here a lot. It was our place, the one we kept coming back to, because it was quiet and the view was stunning.
My feet moved forward, leading me to him.
He was there alone, sitting down on a grassy patch.
I needed to apologize. I walked up to him, but his eyes were dull. He stood back up when he saw me approach. He was looking at the ground, the distance behind me, anywhere but at me.
He wouldn't look at me. Why wouldn't he look at me?
I laid a hand on his shoulder, willing him to understand, but he moved away. My hand dropped, and I stared at it, unable to comprehend the action.
I felt the distance keenly. I've seen this man worried, concerned, hurt, even angry, but not a lot of them were directed at me.
"I don't think we want the same things."
I shook my head. “It’s not that–"
"I think it's exactly what it is."
"Are you breaking up with me?" My voice cracked, but I didn't have it in me to care.
I felt a raindrop land on my cheek. My shoulder. My hand. I ignored it.
"Maybe we aren't right for each other."
Was this really happening? How could he say that? I tugged at his shirt, panic spreading in my chest.
"I love you," I said in earnest. "I don't want to lose what we have. Please don't do this."
A look crossed his face that said he was done with this conversation.
"I think you should go, Sherr."
I couldn't breathe. It was swallowing me whole. I knew he didn't mean it in the way I was thinking of doing, but it hurt all the same.
This person, who I loved and trusted with my life didn't want me. I told him no, and he made it permanent. The shame and guilt warred with the hurt, that of all things he could say to me, this blow hit me the hardest.
I didn’t want to let go. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay.
But it wasn’t.
Because he gave me nothing.
"Is that what you really want?" My voice sounded thin and hollow, but at this point, I couldn't even pretend to be okay.
A nod, almost imperceptible. Just as soon as he took a few steps away, he halted. Then he looked up at the sky, then to me, "A storm's coming. Better go home soon."
Even when I'd hurt him, he still thought of me. Always.
I didn’t think my answer would change what we had. I believed in that, even counted on it. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did it anyway, hurt the person I loved the most, because that was what I did.
And I learned, as the rain beat down hard on the ground, and on me, this was what happened when you let someone take care of you. When you laid your hopes and dreams out to them and loved them enough to have them take it in their very hands. When you loved them enough to leave, because they deserved better, they deserved more.
You had them. You lost them. All in the space of a heartbeat.
Chapter Fourteen
Ice-cold
When I woke up, I was partially covered with a blanket, and the room was darker. Gone was the soft mus
ic, but I could hear the rattling of pans from the kitchen, and voices, speaking in low tones.
The corner-lamp was turned on, but it only emitted a soft glow. As I sat up, I was pleasantly surprised to find my Macbook on the center-table.
The thoughtfulness was endearing. They brought it here for me, because they understood what writing meant to me.
I carried my laptop and walked to the kitchen.
All eyes went to me.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, you,” Haley said with a small, reassuring smile. “Dinner will be done in ten.”
“That’s fine. Just didn’t want to be alone,” I admitted. Still clutching my laptop, I added, “Thanks for bringing me this.”
“Oh, nearly forgot,” Haley said. She grabbed something from the corner of the counter and pushed it front of me.
My phone.
I’d forgotten it in my rush to leave.
I thanked her, switched it off, and pocketed it. I didn’t want to deal with anyone for now.
“Do you need help?” I asked, seeing the ingredients laid out on the table.
“Nah, we’re good. Just a matter of waiting until it’s cooked,” Kate told me.
After helping put away some of them, I opened my laptop and worked on the table, shifting around index cards, working on character sheets.
Anything to not think about him.
“Sherr.” There was something about Kate’s voice that caught my attention and made me look up.
“You know, I always thought after you left, that you just didn’t want to talk to us, that you felt you were above us. That’s why I was afraid to call you,” she said, her eyes softening. "I was wrong, wasn't I?" she mused. "Always busy. Always working. Honey, forget about spending time with us; when was the last time you made time for yourself?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"There wasn't any time,” I said, but even I could hear in my voice that it was merely a weak excuse.
"I think you're shoving everything aside by putting your work first," she stated boldly. "What happened, Sherr? That's all we really want to understand. You just ran away. All we know was Chase made all this grand set up to propose for weeks, he was really looking forward to it. We never expected you to say no. He was broken, Sherr."
I knew that. I knew it was my fault. And when I came to him to talk, or to fix it, instead, I lost everything.
My head went down to her shoulder and a sob escaped me. I covered a hand on my mouth, as if by stifling the sound, it would make the pain less valid, less real.
"I was scared,” I confessed. “I didn't think I was ready for it. I didn't think it would all be gone. He said maybe it was best to end it, if we didn't want the same things."
Everything came pouring out.
Kate looked at me, sympathetic. “That's why you left.”
"That's why I left… And the people, Kate, I just felt so trapped."
"I see," she said, and her voice masked an emotion I couldn't name. "He had your trust, and he breached it."
I hadn't thought of it that way. She was right, but it didn't mean I had no role in it. And right now, it felt like all the heat in the world couldn’t warm me.
* * *
I checked my phone.
There were five calls and three messages, and one voicemail. I was nearly going to pocket it again, when curiosity won.
I wanted to know what he wanted to say. I compromised with myself and decided that I'd only check one.
Breath held in, I waited for the message.
"I'm sorry. I just... Fuck. I'm not good with words. I just wanted to understand why. There are a lot of things I want to say, but not over the phone. When you're ready, call me.”
It must not have mattered all that much to you.
I couldn't allow myself to believe the words, because if you believed what you felt to be an absolute truth, you were almost always disappointed. And if you were disappointed, it meant you were foolish enough to let it get to you, to let yourself feel something. And I already decided back in the pouring rain two years ago, falling in love again was the last thing I wanted.
Expect nothing. Then if the impossible happened, then it was nothing short of a miracle.
I didn’t call.
I didn’t think about his voice, how weary it sounded. I didn’t think about that night, when he told me to hold on. I didn’t think about what it felt like when our lips met, like everything in the world tilted, shifted, until it just felt right, in a way it hadn't when we were apart.
And I went to bed thinking about how I’ve never lied so hard to myself.
* * *
I tossed and turned all night. It was so easy to shut everything off before and lose myself to the darkness, but now that I needed it, it wouldn’t come.
As I snuck downstairs, I realized that apparently I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t.
I heard the television playing some game show and abruptly changing into something that sounded like tennis, and found Kate flicking through channels.
I took a small tub of cookies and cream ice cream and grabbed a spoon. I sat down next to her, and snatching a pillow from the far end to sit on my lap.
It surprised me when she spoke. "Has he even once asked how you were?"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Sherr," she said sternly. "Has he?"
I shook my head, unable to answer.
"Has he seen how much you're hurting?”
He should’ve.
When I didn’t answer, she continued, “Sherr, can I be real with you?”
I nodded, grasping the pillow tightly.
"I know you both had something special. But the people in your life who want you there will fight to keep you there. They won't give up. And they will never drop you," she said earnestly. "Not in that way."
Her words resonated with me.
Not all good things were fleeting. Some lasted, and some rebuilt, stronger than before.
My heart felt light. Freer somehow.
Knowing she was here for me, and that she understood me meant the world to me.
And that was enough.
Chapter Fifteen
Fortune cookies
I struggled to keep my mind occupied.
I checked all emails. I responded to all messages. I checked all social media sites. Refreshed the page. Once. Twice.
Then I quickly realized it wasn’t numbing enough.
I skipped every love song in my playlist, and when I found out there was too damn much of them, I had to go make a new one.
Right when I was about to give up, I saw a new unread email at the top. There was no subject. What caught my attention was the sender’s email address. It was my heroine and the name of a secondary character that she didn’t end up with, followed by a string of numbers at the end.
Leonardo and Kath it said, with love-heart pasted pictures next to it. There were a lot of them, pasted without a care about their abundance. Below, it said in an especially large font–
Fuck Travis.
Kath ended up with Travis in my last book, but I’d never had such a strong reaction to being against my main pairing, considering my main focus was the couple. Still, I could see where the person was coming from.
I wrote back, apologizing, and saying Leo was going to have another book of his own in the near future, because that was how the story came to me.
To my surprise, the email bounced back. That was odd. Maybe I could explain on my blog at some point.
I shrugged it off, and then I got back into writing.
* * *
It was around four o’clock, I was close to wanting to burn my story and kill off everyone, when I heard a rap on my door.
Kate came in, her hair was in a twisted up-do, wearing shorts and one of her favorite fitted t-shirts that read ‘I have nothing to wear’.
“You’ve been here for several hours, it’s kinda scary. Lets go out,” she said, pulling my hand.
“It’s only been three hours,” I protested.
Without warning, she pushed my laptop lid down, and said, “Too bad. You’re taking a break and going out with us," she announced, a hand on her hip. “I won't let you shut us out completely anymore." She gave me her intimidating stare, until I decided to just give in.
Besides, if I continued writing at this rate, I would probably hate myself later.
“Alright, alright,” I put my hands up in defeat. She wasn't that much taller than me, but she was stubborn as hell, and spontaneous. “Give me twenty and I’ll be ready," I conceded.
I stood up, stretching my arms and neck.
She jumped in excitement. “Awesome. Time to de-stress.”
* * *
We stopped over at Sierra's first, and she pulled us into her room asking for clothing advice.
Sierra came out of her walk-in closet, and my mouth gaped open. She stood there wearing an oversized rainbow colored dress that reached just above her knees. She put her hands out to show how it stretched out.
"What are you wearing?" I gasped, staring.
"I'm horrified," Kate groaned, faking a shudder.
"No," Sierra pointed as she stood unsteadily on her feet. "You're jealous. It’s fabulous, I know.”
I snorted, chucking a pillow at her. She dodged in time.
“You’re kidding, right?” Haley said, shocked.
“What’s so bad about it?”
I couldn't tell if she was joking or not.
"You have plenty of clothes!" Kate looked at her like she was crazy. She probably was. "Have you even looked at your closet?"
She waved a hand away. "Bah. I've worn them all."
"So? There was a little sexy midnight blue dress that looked good on you.” Kate’s eyes glinted as she added mischievously, “Luke couldn't take his eyes off you when you wore it."
Luke was Abe's son. He was a part owner, and he helped expand it, and he apparently also owned a few other small businesses. He moved away with his mom a couple of years back. I had no idea they even talked, or that he just returned.
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