Captivation

by Nicola Moriarty

  She decided she would at least change; start getting ready for bed. In her bedroom she unzipped her skirt and let it fall to the floor, then pulled off her sleeveless top and unhooked her bra. She felt under her pillow for her nightie, black silk with spaghetti straps over the shoulders, and she slipped it over her head then tugged it down over her breasts, stomach and then her thighs.

  And that’s when she felt it – the distinct sense that someone was watching her. Juliette swung around, her eyes roving the dimlylitroom. Ridiculous. There couldn’t be anyone else in here. Her eyes landed on the cream curtains hanging in front of the sliding doors which led out to her balcony. They were partially closed. She strode determinedly over to them and, without stopping to think about it, she flung them the rest of the way open. She stopped still, her eyes sweeping the balcony from one side to the other. Nothing. Nobody.

  On impulse, she unlocked the doors and pulled them apart, then stepped out onto the balcony. It was the middle of summer, so the air was still mild, despite the late hour. She crossed the cool tiles in bare feet and then stood at the glass balustrade, resting her elbows on the smooth railing. Her apartment faced into the centre of the horseshoe. Looking down, she could see the dark courtyard, with small pockets of the garden illuminated by glowing lamps. To the right, she could see out towards the ocean. Her block was across the road from Coogee Beach.

  Straight ahead, though, she could see rows of apartments – the other side of the horseshoe. She gazed up towards the twenty-fifth floor, thinking of all those people, asleep inside their bedrooms, who would be waking in a few hours to find a small gift outside their door. Then her eyes fell to the balcony directly opposite hers, and her stomach jumped as she realised that there was someone standing out there –a man, wearing only boxer shorts. And he was staring straight across at her. Was that why she had had the sense that someone was watching her, even from inside her room?

  Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around herself, embarrassed to be seen in her revealing silk slip. She backed away and quickly disappeared inside. She hadn’t expected to see anyone else at this time of night. Once inside, she drew the curtains shut and sat down on her bed, breathing hard. She was quite sure that wasn’t her imagination – he was definitely looking straight across at her. Not doing anything, not waving a friendly hello – just standing there and staring.

  After five minutes, she stood up and walked tentatively back to the curtains. Standing to one side, she curled her fingers around the heavy material and twitched them back a fraction. Then she peered outside, her eyes taking a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. He was gone. The balcony was empty. She let the curtain fall back into place and then returned to her bed. This time, she climbed under the covers.

  She usually still slept on her half of the bed, curled up as though expecting Danny to come and take his spot on the other side. But tonight, for some reason, she wriggled her way into the middle, and rolled onto her back. Then she stretched out her arms and legs, taking a moment to enjoy the vast expanse of space around her.

  Eventually, Juliette fell asleep.

  Chapter Three

  When Juliette woke the next morning, it was late. She’d slept with the curtains drawn tight, so the first shards of morning light hadn’t crept into her apartment to fall on her face and wake her as they normally would. She lay still for a moment, trying to figure out why it was that she felt so … content. And then she realised what she was feeling –it was a sense of satisfaction. Had she climaxed in her sleep last night? She tried to remember what she’d dreamt about and it came back to her in a tiny explosion of scenes – Danny lying on top of her, her palms pressed flat on his chest, his body thrusting in and out. Then the two of them standing together, Danny behind her, his hands encasing her breasts – she was holding onto the door jamb in front as he pushed against her, again and again. As the memories came back, she felt the skin between her thighs awaken, and when she slipped her hand down to check, her suspicions were confirmed – the material of her pants clung to her, damp with her moisture. Yes, that had definitely been one of the better dreams she’d had since Danny had died.

  The buzzer for her intercom sounded and Juliette sat up, confused for a moment. Then she remembered the bookshop delivery she was expecting. Dammit, she must have slept even later than she had first thought. She flung back the covers and hurried out into the hall to let Suzanne into the building. Juliette buzzed her in without a word, so it was a surprise when a few minutes later, having thrown on her silver and blue kimono over her nightie, she opened the door and it wasn’t Suzanne standing there waiting for her. She looked down at the box in the guy’s hands. ‘Pages & Chapters Bookstore’ was stamped across the cardboard, so it was her book delivery. She had that part right, at least.

  ‘Where’s Suzanne?’ she asked immediately, pulling her kimono closed across her chest, slightly flustered.

  ‘Hi. There’s a book signing at the store, Harper Jane is coming in. Suzanne couldn’t do the deliveries today. I’m Chris.’

  Juliette was slightly irritated as she stepped back to allow the young guy inside with the box. As Juliette was a VIP customer of the store, her books were always delivered by Suzanne personally. She felt that Suzanne should have called to let her know. As she led Chris down the hall, past her bedroom to the living room so that he could set the box down on her coffee table, Juliette flushed, thinking about the dreams she had been reliving, mere minutes earlier, as she had lain in her bed. She hoped he couldn’t somehow tell, just by the look on her face.

  Juliette ordered at least ten, sometimes fifteen, new novels every month. She devoured them hungrily most nights. Reading was her other guilty pleasure – she found it just as consuming as baking. Back when Danny was still alive, he had been invited to Pages & Chapters several times to do book signings or give readings. That, combined with the fact that Juliette ordered such a high volume of books each month, was why she was considered such a special customer. But perhaps the fact that she had been systematically cutting out her contacts, avoiding any conversation beyond polite chit-chat, meant that even Suzanne was going to stop giving her the exclusive treatment she had come to expect.

  ‘Here’s your statement,’ said Chris, straightening up from the coffee table. He handed her an envelope and she saw his eyes dip towards her low-cut nightie, which was showing as her kimono had begun to gape.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, and when his eyes continued to stay fixed on her chest, she coughed awkwardly. ‘Ah Chris, was there anything else?’ she asked.

  Chris’s eyes flew up and he looked embarrassed as he realised he’d been caught out. ‘No, no, I mean, nothing, I mean, I was just …’

  ‘You were just admiring my authentic Japanese kimono?’ Juliette offered kindly.

  ‘Yes!’ Chris jumped on the lifeline she had given him.

  ‘Right,’ she replied, shaking her head with a laugh, surprised to notice how nice it felt to joke with someone, to chat and smile. ‘Come on, I’ll show you out,’ she added and led the way back down the hall. As she approached the door, she couldn’t help but feel a little pleased about the extra attention; Chris was young and attractive. She knew she ought to feel objectified, perhaps offended – but it was sort of flattering as well. A brief image of her grabbing Chris by the shirt front and pulling him into her bedroom flashed through her mind.

  Instantly, the smell of Danny’s aftershave filled her nostrils.

  Juliette threw an arm out to stop Chris before he could leave.

  ‘Chris, are you wearing any aftershave?’ she asked.

  ‘Uh, no,’ he replied, an uncertain look on his face. He was obviously taken by surprise at the sudden physical contact.

  ‘Can you smell anything?’ she asked then, frowning as she stood still, trying hard to figure out where the scent was emanating from.

  Chris hesitated, sniffing the air. ‘Maybe … sort of,’ he said. ‘Is everything alright?’ he added and Juliette realised that she was sti
ll grasping his upper arm.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ she said, dropping her hand. ‘I’ll see you later.’

  Juliette closed the door behind Chris and leant her back against it. There was definitely something strange going on. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. It was still there, and it was getting stronger. Suddenly, she felt pressure on both of her upper arms, as though two hands were pressed against them, pinning her to the door. Fear rose up in her chest and she kept her eyes firmly shut, afraid to open them and see someone standing in front of her – or maybe it was the opposite, perhaps she was afraid that if she opened her eyes, she would see no one at all and the spell would be broken.

  She stayed still, concentrating hard on the sensation on her arms, and as she waited, she felt the pressure begin to move. It slid down her biceps, as though two hands were gently stroking her. And then she felt the touch of gentle fingers, they laced through her own and her hands began to tremble with nerves. She couldn’t stand it any longer, she opened her eyes – and instantly the feeling vanished.

  She pushed herself away from the door, becoming aware as she did so of just how quickly she was breathing. She stumbled back down the hall on shaking legs and turned into her bedroom, where she collapsed onto her bed. She lay still, just breathing in and out, gathering her thoughts. This time she wasn’t going to be able to dismiss the sensation as part of her overactive imagination. For one thing, Chris had been able to smell the aftershave too, hadn’t he? And then those hands, they had felt so real, as though she could have closed her own fingers over them.

  ‘So Juliette,’ she whispered out loud, ‘do you believe in ghosts?’ She hesitated for a moment, and then spoke out loud to the air around her. ‘Danny,’ she asked, ‘are you still here with me?’

  As soon as she said it she felt silly. She sat upright, resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. She had always liked the idea of the existence of a spiritual plane, of there being something beyond this world. But she had never experienced anything that would lead her to truly believe in it – until now.

  What she really wanted to do was go and research it. But that would mean going into the study and sitting at the computer. It would mean being surrounded by Danny’s things. If it happened again – could she handle it right now?

  She decided to give herself an hour or two to recover first. She would take a shower, get dressed and sit down on the couch with a peppermint tea and one of her new books. And then she would tackle the study – with a clear mind.

  Chapter Four

  After Juliette had showered, dressed in a bright blue tank top and white shorts, and boiled the kettle and brewed her tea, she sat down on the couch, ready to pick out one of her new books. Leaning over the coffee table, she cut through the tape on the box and pulled back the flaps of cardboard. Which was when she discovered the problem – these were not the books she had ordered.

  She pulled each one out of the carton, double-checking the titles – hoping that maybe it was only the couple of novels on the top that were wrong. Unfortunately, the entire order was incorrect.

  She sat back on the couch, irritated. She supposed Chris must have just grabbed the wrong box out of the van – in which case, he might notice his mistake when he discovered the correct box left in the van at the end of his deliveries. Or then again, he might have already delivered her order to someone else – and if they didn’t open it straightaway, it could be days before the mistake was discovered.

  If the books had been from a genre she normally read, she might have been able to make the most of it, tried something different. But none of these were the types of books she liked reading – they were sports biographies and historical or scientific non-fiction. Juliette loved romance, crime, fantasy, adventure – even science fiction – anything that transported her to a new world, that allowed her to become consumed by the story. Anything that got her hooked and meant she might need to read into the early hours of the morning just to find out how the book would finish.

  It wouldn’t matter so much if she hadn’t had her heart set on opening the pages of one of new novels and escaping within it. If she hadn’t been relying on one of these books to clear her mind and ready herself for her visit to the study. Well, she wasn’t so reclusive these days that she couldn’t handle a simple, bloody phone call. She would just have to ring Suzanne and ask her to send Chris straight back with the correct books. She stood up from the couch and walked purposefully to her phone. She was surprised to find, though, when she actually picked up the receiver, that she was hesitant to dial the number. Come on Juliette, she thought crossly, snap out of it – you can still function in the normal world.

  She made the call and waited while it rang, five, six, seven times before it was picked up.

  ‘Pages and Chapters, Kaylee speaking. How can I help you?’

  ‘Hi Kaylee, this is Juliette Walsh. I need to speak with Suzanne, please.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but Suzanne isn’t in the store right now.’

  ‘I thought you had a book signing on? Chris told me that was why Suzanne hadn’t delivered my books herself.’

  ‘We did. But now Suzanne’s taken Harper out for a coffee. Can I take a message?’

  Kaylee was keeping her tone crisp and professional, which was bugging Juliette. She had thought that even if Kaylee hadn’t recognised her surname as Danny Walsh’s widow, she would have realised Juliette was an important customer once she heard that the store owner usually delivered her books personally. Most of the staff at Pages & Chapters were very familiar with Juliette, were warm and friendly and eager to please her. Kaylee had to be new.

  Juliette tried again. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said politely, ‘but no, I’d rather not just leave a message. I have an issue that needs to be dealt with immediately. I’ve just had an order of books delivered and they’re wrong. I need them to be picked up and the correct box delivered straightaway.’

  ‘Chris is doing all the deliveries today, if he’s back he’ll be in the office. I’ll transfer you,’ said Kaylee – not a note of concern in her voice about the problem, and no apology for the mistake that had been made.

  Before Juliette could say another word, the line was switched to hold. She waited for several minutes, curling the cord around her finger impatiently as she listened to the tinny sounds of the instrumental hold music. Finally the muzak gave way to the sound of the phone ringing once again.

  ‘Pages and Chapters, Kaylee speaking. How can I help you?’

  Juliette rolled her eyes. ‘Kaylee? It’s me again, Juliette?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘This is Juliette – you were transferring me to Chris, about my book order.’

  ‘Chris must still be out doing deliveries. Can I take a message?’

  Juliette ignored this and instead asked, ‘When is Suzanne due back in the store?’

  ‘Suzanne doesn’t deal with book orders, Chris does. What’s your number and I’ll have him call you back.’

  ‘No, I normally deal directly with Suzanne. Give me her mobile number and I’ll call her myself.’

  ‘I can’t give out Suzanne’s personal mobile. Can I take a message?’

  Juliette took a deep breath, trying to quell her frustration with Kaylee and her persistent obsession with taking a damn message. She tried to remind herself that a mixed-up book order actually wasn’t a life and death problem, and that most people would probably be quite happy to leave a message and have it dealt with a little later. She knew she was being silly – it was just that she wanted the whole thing to be done with after just one phone call. She wanted her books here now. She wanted to follow through with her plan. When she’d had a plan – to sit and read, to calm herself and clear her mind – everything had felt okay. Now her plan had been upset and she was feeling anxious and edgy.

  Kaylee’s nasal tones came through the phone again, interrupting her thoughts. ‘Are you still there?’ she asked, sounding impatient.

  ‘Never mind,�
�� said Juliette and slammed down the phone.

  Pages & Chapters wasn’t actually that far from her place. Maybe it was time she got out. A walk to the shops to pick up her books wouldn’t take long, and it would probably be good for her –a way to start easing herself back into the world again. After all, could she really go on like this? Staying in her apartment block, continuing to alienate herself from everyone she knew?

  Fine, she thought eventually, one trip out, just to get my books – and then straight back here. No big deal. And when I get back, I can go on with my plan. Read for a while, take my mind of everything, and then I’ll open that damn study door.

  She took her time getting ready to leave the apartment. This was different from creeping through the corridors late at night. This was going to mean running into people, chatting face-to-face – and not in the comfort of her own space. She changed her clothes quite unnecessarily. Several times. Then she agonised over which shoes to wear, whether to put her hair up or leave it down. Earrings or no earrings? This necklace or that one? Finally, she had run out of ways to procrastinate any further.

  She picked up her bag with her wallet, keys and phone, slung it over her shoulder and left the apartment. There was no one out in the hall. She made it all the way down to the foyer in the lift without meeting anyone. Stepping out through the heavy front door onto the street, her heart began to beat a little faster, and she took deep breaths to steady herself.