literal leigh 05.6 - karma inc

by Melanie James

  “Tell him no, Gertie!” I tapped Barney’s back with the toe of my shoe. “Behave yourself down there, Barney. Why did you bring him to the restaurant, Ezzy?”

  “Would you rather have him with your dogs at home?”

  “I suppose not.” I pictured Barney harnessing up the team of Chihuahuas so he could chase down Gemma in some miniature chariot.

  Ezzy put her hand on Gertie’s thigh. Her voice was soft and consoling. “Listen, Gertie. I know exactly how I’d feel if that brute would have kicked my pussy around like that. I’d be livid! Barney’s right, though. Don’t get mad. Get even. And I’ve got just the thing to help you achieve that.”

  I twisted my face up and widened my eyes in order to silently tell Ezzy to stop whatever she was up to. It was futile. Barney put something small in Ezzy’s hand. I watched as Ezzy handed the object off to Gertie. It looked like a dried pea. I witnessed something instantly change in our perpetually sweet Gertie, something I’d never seen in her. She looked mischievous, happily mischievous. Before I realized it, she pushed the dried pea looking thing into a straw. She raised it to her lips and took aim, just like one of those tribal hunters of the Amazon that expertly take down large game with a blowgun. Gertie puffed up her lungs, then released all of the air through the straw in a single burst. The dried pea hit Moscow Mike right in the forehead. I’m pretty sure I saw a few little wisps of green smoke snake around the mobster and his cadre.

  “What? Ezzy? What did you give Gertie?”

  “Shush! Just watch and enjoy.”

  Randy was so engrossed in his attempt to operate the tabletop jukebox that he missed Gertie’s carnival style exhibition of Amazonia’s indigenous respiratory powered projectile accuracy. “I put two quarters in and still…hey, do you think I need old quarters? After all, this is a really old jukebox.” Randy no sooner finished his words when the ancient sound system blared out the anthem of a long forgotten dance craze.

  Curiously enough, to anyone but us, Moscow Mike and his crew had been instantly afflicted with bizarre cases of vertigo and muscle spasms. Their contorted bodies staggered and jerked like they were under the control of a mad puppeteer. At our booth, our mouths hung open in complete awe at the mobsters gyrating to the surreal sock hop.

  Darcy had been watching and probably sensed Gertie’s use of black magic. The cat’s window of opportunity for payback had been thrown wide open. The final meow would be hers.

  “Now!” From under the tabletop, Barney’s raised arm pointed towards the wobbling mobsters. “Sic ‘em, cat!” Darcy probably didn’t need any encouragement. She had her sights set on Moscow Mike. The big man leaned over. His entire weight was supported by his one armed grip on a table. Somehow, Darcy understood the precarious physics involved and knew the exact place to hit.

  I remember how strange it looked to witness this miniature black panther pounce on her human prey. She delivered a bite to the inside of Moscow Mike’s elbow, then vanished over the lunch counter. The bite caused him to reflexively jerk his arm. I gasped as he fell under his own weight. His bulbous forehead took the brunt of the fall, hitting the edge of the table, full force.

  THWUMP.

  The tabletop broke free from its pedestal, dumping a messy load of dishes filled with scraps. Apparently, the heap had been abandoned by a frightened busboy.

  The mobster rolled onto his back while spewing out curses and commands in Russian. When Moscow Mike’s short, thick comrade brandished a little black pistol like a drunken cowboy, you didn’t need to know the Russian’s orders. It was clear. “Get that cat!” Ready and willing, but too dizzy to fulfill his master’s order, the troll-like lackey squeezed off two wild shots into the ceiling. He spotted Darcy tiptoeing over the glass pie case, steadied his aim and took another shot. Darcy was spared, but only by whisker. Everyone in the diner screamed. Everyone, except Gertie. She was reloading.

  “Pffft.” With another lungful of air, she launched a second magic bullet at the gangsters. “Leave my cat alone!” Through the mist, we watched in astonishment as the extra dose of magic caused them to drop to the ground, hiss, meow, and crawl out the door on all fours. Darcy took that as her cue to dart back to our corner. Our attention turned to the pussified gangsters crawling out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk, into the waiting arms of the police. The once tough Russian gangsters had been reduced to an embarrassment of their profession.

  Chapter Eight

  Karma Inc.

  “Well, well, Gertie. How does it feel to be a practitioner of the dark arts?” Ezzy’s sly smile told me that she had a good reason to encourage Gertie into shooting that magic spitball. “Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone.”

  Gertie seemed puzzled. “Dark arts? As in, the black magic that we aren’t supposed to be doing?”

  “Think about it. You got mad, and in retaliation for that man being mean to your cat, you just shot him with a ball of magic powder. So it’s best you keep quiet about all of this, Gertie. It’ll be our little secret. Now, let me ask you something. How did it feel when you forced those guys to experience the fear, confusion, and dizziness that Darcy felt?”

  “Good. Like justice was being served along with breakfast.”

  Barney poked his head up. “Exactly right. You witches have been held back from using the full extent of your powers for far too long. Don’t you think it’s time to spread your wings and soar like a bird?”

  I had been listening to the conversation between Ezzy and Gertie and I realized something. The so-called white light witchcraft the Witches Union had been preaching but not necessarily practicing was missing something. Justice. I’m not talking about justice for criminal activity, per se. No, I’m talking about when people take advantage of someone, betray their friendship or justice for just plain assholes. Where was the justice for the victims of those jerks? This black magic had a way to fill that gap. And when Barney spoke up, I felt something. I looked at my friends and I saw in their eyes that I was not alone.

  Randy surprised me when he was the first to speak up. “I feel like we are on the verge of something. Maybe this is one of those crucial opportunities we need to act on. Seize the moment. That kind of thing.”

  “Hey! We could be superheroes. Karma superheroes.” I imagined us as a coven of justice. “Swiftly delivering instant payback to jerks, bullies, and liars. What do you guys say?”

  “What?” Ezzy slapped the palms of her hands on the table. “Superheroes? Are you flipping kidding me? There is no way I am going to go around doing a job like that for free. Besides, tell me one superhero movie where the hero doesn’t get completely screwed over by the public at some point. Let’s not get carried away.”

  Barney climbed onto Ezzy’s lap. “You know guys…you can still spread the Karma, so to speak, without being superheroes. Offer your black magic services for a fee. That way you can pick and choose what jobs you take, and you can make a little coin at the same time.”

  “Maybe my superhero idea is a little over the top. I suppose your idea would be good, but I can’t even begin to imagine how you would advertise something like that.”

  “Ragshmist.” Randy chewed the word, along with his waffle.

  “Huh? Don’t talk with food in your mouth.” My brother retained a bad habit of our youth. Being the youngest at a noisy overcrowded table, he spoke when he had the opportunity, not when he was ready.

  “Craig sss list.” Randy dragged the word out as long as he could.

  “Craig Ess List? Isn’t he the man who mixes the paint at that store back home? Oooh, Kelly. You’d like him. You would, too, Ezzy. He’s this bug scruffy guy with the prettiest hands. You know, from all the paint—”

  “No! Not the teddy bear at the paint store. Craigslist. It’s a free classified ad service online. You can find whatever you want on there. Nobody would find it strange to see an ad for delivering Karma.” Randy grabbed his tablet from the leather shoulder bag he brought along. After opening the web page, he passed the tablet to Gert
ie. “Here, check this out. This is what it looks like.”

  “Isn’t this a handy little thing? This will sure make it easy for people to contact us, but we have to meet them someplace. Where?”

  I pictured my living room filled with desperate revenge seekers. “Well, that’s just it. Where? We can’t meet every kook out there at my house.”

  “Why not? It’s pretty much how it works now, Kelly.” Ezzy winked at me. She suddenly grabbed Gertie’s little sweater from the seat and pulled it over Barney. “Shh, be quiet. The waitress is coming. Pretend you’re a baby.” Ezzy turned her head back to watch the waitress’s approach.

  “My pleasure,” Barney whispered. I watched as his little green hand reached out to unbutton Ezzy’s blouse. She didn’t notice the sudden draft and I wasn’t about to say a word. My lips were sealed.

  “Can I get anyone a refill? Anything?” The waitress smiled when she saw the little bundle squirming against Ezzy’s chest. “Oh, I didn’t know you had a baby with you. Do you mind if I take a peek? I just love babies. I can never get enough of them.”

  A look of shock washed over Ezzy’s face, followed quickly by a look of complete torture. She replied through gritted teeth, “I’m afraid not. He’s…uhh…breastfeeding right now.”

  “Wow. It looks painful.”

  “You have no idea. The little fucker has some teeth.” It was obvious from the way her arm moved under the sweater that Ezzy punched Barney. “Say, do you have frog legs on the menu?”

  The waitress’s mouth dropped open, stunned beyond belief at Ezzy’s behavior. “Well! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that in light of the incident here, the owner said all of the orders are on the house. And no, we don’t serve frog legs.” The waitress spun on her heel, briskly leaving our corner. You would have thought someone lit a fire under her ass with the speed of her retreat.

  Diners at adjacent tables looked on in horror at Ezzy’s violent behavior. Never one to miss an opportunity to unload a scathing comment, she easily diverted their unwanted attention. “What are you rubberneckers staring at? A baby has a right to eat, too. Damn gawkers.” She wasted no time in pulling the sweater off of Barney and replacing her right breast back into her bra. “Listen here, you little green bastard. Bite my boob again and I swear I’ll fry you in oil and feed you to Kelly’s Chihuahuas. Nasty little fucker.”

  “Whoa! You’re the one that told me to act like a baby.”

  Randy slapped his palms down on the table. “All right, lovebirds, chill. We need a place other than my sister’s to meet clients. Someplace suited for this Karma business. Gertie and I are only going to be able to help out once in a while. We’ve got our hands full at the Paranormal Plantation.”

  “How about Head, Bath and Beyond?” I suggested.

  Gertie soothed Darcy on her lap. “Isn’t that Max and Millie’s hippy store?”

  “Yep. Hookahs and loofahs in the front, psychic readings in the back. It’s perfect. And I have just the name for our business, Karma, Inc.” I was proud of my idea and the new name.

  “That will work fine. Randy, you’re in charge of getting the classified ads set up. Kelly and I will talk to Max and Millie about meeting clients at the store. Gertie, you can come up with a logo that we can put on business cards. And Barney…just try to behave yourself, if that’s at all possible. Speaking of Karma, it’s already paid us back. I think a free meal is a very positive sign.”

  That was the morning we officially started Karma, Inc.

  Chapter Nine

  Happy Hippies

  The magic mist from our brooms cleared, and we found ourselves in front of Max and Millie’s shop. It was one of those old three story brick buildings on the corner. “I wonder if they’re even around on Sundays. I wish I had a phone number for them.”

  Ezzy cupped her hands against the glass door. “It’s dark. But don’t they live upstairs? They must have another door.”

  “I’m on it.” Barney hopped out of Ezzy’s bag and bounced down an alley next to the large building. Within a minute, we had our answer. “It’s back here!” We followed his voice and saw Barney standing next to an old wooden door that was halfway opened.

  It didn’t seem right to me. “Don’t you find it odd that they would leave the door wide open? Especially one that leads to an alley?”

  “Kelly, nothing those people do should strike you as unusual. Whatever normal people would do, you can count on the Kovacs to do the opposite.”

  I heard a man’s voice and he seemed to be calling out to us from upstairs. “Hold on, guys. I think I heard Max’s voice. Listen.”

  “Hellooo! Front door is locked, come around to the side door.”

  “This must be it then. Let’s go.” Barney cautiously stepped into the dark interior.

  Ezzy followed Barney through the door, and I trailed close behind. I walked right into Ezzy. She had stopped just inside the entrance to run her hand along the wall next to the doorframe. “How the hell do these people turn on the lights in here?”

  Barney stumbled and cursed, Ezzy tripped while I stood perfectly still. The only light came from the door we had gone through. “It sure is dark in here. Unless we find a light switch, I say we just turn around. This seems like a big room. We don’t even know which way leads to their apartment.” Ezzy and Barney seemed to be bumping into things with every step.

  “You’re right, Kel. This is a waste of time. And it reeks like old cigar smoke and mold in here. We’re turning around. Barney, where are you?”

  I felt something bump against my leg as it ran past, making my heart jump. “Ah!” I quickly reassured myself that it was just Barney. “I think he just bumped into my leg.”

  “It wasn’t me. Let’s get the hell out of here!” Barney was standing some place close to Ezzy, which was in the direction opposite of whatever ran through the dark room. “I’m the most likely to get eaten. Carry me, Ezzy. Please?”

  “Oh shit! Something else is running around in here? I bet it’s a rat. Dammit! I hate rats.” I think that was the first time I ever heard Ezzy sound frightened by something. “And what do you mean, carry you? Are you seriously asking for permission after you’ve already climbed up on my shoulders?”

  The silhouette of a man appeared in the doorway’s rectangle of light. “Who’s in there?” I was certain it had to be Max.

  “Max? Max Kovacs? Is that you? It’s Kelly. Esmeralda is with me and our…our friend, Barney.” I wasn’t quite sure what to call Barney.

  “Yeah, kids. It’s me, Max. You should probably not be in there. That’s actually considered a separate property. I don’t know the owner. There’s some big ass rats in there, too.”

  Ezzy let out a shriek. “Holy shit! Something furry! Between my legs!” The mysterious and terrifying creature of the dark ran into Ezzy. I heard her plow through various obstacles as she headed for the door.

  “You got a furry purse, Ezzy? Right on!” Max commented. “I can dig it, baby. Be proud!” Poor Max. Leigh was right when she told me he had taken a wrong turn somewhere in the 1970s and still hadn’t found his way out.

  Ezzy made it to the door at a full tilt. Apparently she had forgotten about Barney riding her like she was a runaway camel. Against the light, I could see him bouncing up and down just before the top of the doorframe caught him right in the head. I followed their lead to the doorway and back out into the alley. “Ezzy? Is Barney okay?”

  Ezzy held his limp legs on either side of her neck, his body dangled down her back like a green fleshy frog cape. “Oh!” What else could she say?

  “Barney?” I shook him until he came around.

  “Augh. That’s gonna leave a mark.” Barney moaned, pulling himself upright. “Put me down before you decapitate me, you witch!”

  “My pleasure.” Ezzy relaxed the grip on his legs and Barney fell backwards, crashing to the ground.

  Barney moaned again until he spotted something coming out of the dark doorway. “Here comes the giant rat!”

/>   I looked behind me to see the fierce rat that had frightened everyone. “That’s not a rat at all! It’s a stray Chihuahua. Aw. Come here, sweetie.” I knelt down and greeted the wiggly little dog. “Max, do you know whose dog this is?”

  “Nope. I’ve only seen him around the alley recently. Just a stray, I suppose.”

  “Well, I’ll take him in and have him scanned for a microchip.” I slid my fingers under a ratty looking collar. “This old collar is barely hanging together. No tags or ID of any kind.” I continued to look over the Chihuahua for any sign of injury. “You’re coming home with me, little one.”

  Max helped Barney up from the dusty alley. “You all right, freaky little frog-dude?”

  Barney wiped the dirt from his arms and legs. “Yeah. Thanks. I had no idea Tommy Chong was going to be here.”

  “Everyone calls me that. I don’t get it.”

  “Really? Because the resemblance is uncanny.”

  Max shrugged his shoulders. “Okay, man. So why did you cats go in there? I yelled down for you to go in the side door. Look.” Max pointed out the building we entered was separated from the building that housed Max and Millie’s head shop by only a few inches. “Our side door is on the side of the store. It faces the street, not back here in the alley. Millie gets spooked about the old building behind us. Too many bad vibes coming out. Personally, I think she’s just afraid because it was once a place where they did butchering or some evil shit. Anyway, come on up and unload your minds.”