We followed Max around the other side and up a set of stairs. Passing through a colorful curtain of beads, we arrived at our destination…which happened to be 1974. At least it might as well have been. Ezzy and I slipped off our shoes and padded across the Persian rugs covering the floor of the Kovacs’ living room. There were a couple statues of Buddha in different poses and a few Hindu statues of multi-armed deities. The magic of digital technology provided the voices of Tibetan monks chanting in the background.
“Kelly! Ezzy! Come in, girls. It’s wonderful to see you again.” Millie had been reclining on one of the many large colorful pillows that apparently served as furniture. Her long gray hair was in a single braid. She wore an ankle length, crimson silk robe with golden dragons of various sizes embroidered on the back and sleeves. She adjusted her little round glasses and looked at Barney. “Who’s your friend?”
Ezzy ushered Barney closer to Millie. “This is Barney. He’s…um, he’s a magical creature temporarily occupying this frog form.” Barney nodded, but most of his attention was focused on the Kovacs’ Zen fountain. He watched the water flow over smooth stones, forming into a little pool. It had to be too much. He walked over to it, climbed in, and closed his eyes.
“Welcome, make yourself at home, Barney. And Kelly, I see you’ve picked up another rescue. We’ve been seeing that little one hanging around lately. Can I get you all some tea?”
I took the lead, bringing up our idea to the Kovacs. “No thanks, Millie. We can’t stay too long, but we have something to offer you. A business proposition. We’d like to start offering some of our witchcraft to people who could use some help. Gertie and Randy will be helping out, too.”
“Oh, how wonderful! The Bhagavad Gita teaches us that through the selfless sharing of one’s gifts, we achieve Karma yoga. It is such a shame that people today throw around words like yoga and Karma and have no idea what they mean. It’s…” Millie wiped a tear away. “It’s a sacrilege really.”
Right then, I was ready to withdraw our proposal. I realized I was one of those people who made Millie cry. What did I know about any of those things? Before I could say a word, Ezzy nudged me.
She whispered in my ear, “Just go with whatever they say. But don’t use the ‘K’ word.”
Max leaned in, offering his thoughts. “And if it brings a few people into the store, we can’t say no. Things have been pretty slow lately. We just don’t get the customers like we used to.”
“Max is right. I can’t believe more people don’t want to have their tarot read.” Millie cast her eyes on a small wooden table littered with dusty tarot cards. “And séances? You know, we used to hold them once a week here, and now, we’re lucky if we get enough people to hold them once a month. People need to reconnect with the spiritual world. I’m afraid our society will fall into decline as people lose their way.”
Max nodded in solemn agreement. “Yeah, man. Or worse, like the 1980s.” He stared off into some distant place and time, as if his mind played a rerun of happier hippy days from long ago. “These words are bumming me out, man. We need to make some noise. Get people to notice what they’re missing. Get them singing and dancing in the park. Partying in the moonlight. It’s on us, people. We’ve got to do it.”
That was our meeting with Max and Millie. They had a misconception of what Ezzy and I proposed and let their minds run wild ideas. So, unknown to the Kovacs, we would be meeting our clients in their store to offer magical revenge for cash. The Kovacs vowed to renew their efforts to spread their spiritual ideology, love beads, and music. The majority of their mission work would be done from the discomfort of their old Volkswagen Mini-bus. I’d seen the old relic. It really was a rolling art gallery of the Surrealist movement, festooned with silk flowers in the brightest colors ever imagined. I could just see them driving around Chicago while God only knows what blared from loud speakers.
It was too late to take any of it back. Karma, Inc. was officially a start-up.
Chapter Ten
Flight of the Frog
I’ve heard people use the phrase “drunk on power”, but I never imagined it could really happen. Then we started with this black magic business of dishing out revenge and everything changed. It was true. Having the ability to curse someone, and I mean literally rain disaster down on them, gives you this feeling that borders on euphoria. Invincible, powerful, confident are just a few of the words I could use to describe it. And it clouds your judgment, to say the least. Still, there seemed to be more at work here. Something dark was pulling at me to move forward with black magic, and I wasn’t alone. We all felt a subtle tug pulling us, and for the first time, I worried that I would be caught in an inescapable undertow.
Back at my condo, Ezzy, Barney, Randy, Gertie, and I gathered for one last discussion before everyone went their separate ways. It turned out to be one of those times I’d look back on and realize that it was, in fact, a pivotal moment. Something happened that I should have been paying attention to.
Randy headed straight to the kitchen and seemed to be hunting for something in the cabinets. I watched him for a minute. Every time he moved something, he would put it back in a different place. And with each careless disregard for my compulsive organization, Randy pushed my mind closer to the edge of insanity. “What the hell are you doing, Randy?”
“Looking for something. Wine…or anything we could use for a toast. All I’ve found is this.” He held up a bottle of peach schnapps.
“Then just stop already. It’s all you’re going to find, but there’s some hard lemonade in the fridge.”
Randy handed a hard lemonade to everyone, except Barney. He had already opened the schnapps. Ezzy coughed, or perhaps gagged. “Nobody drink the schnapps. Barney’s contaminated it.” We all watched the frog dangle his tongue in the bottle, then withdraw it back into his mouth. With each long slurp, he was able to get a tiny drink. The reciprocating motion was fascinating, absurd, and disgusting. Our silence got his attention.
“What? Don’t judge me. You have no idea how hard it is for a frog to drink.”
“I’m sorry for staring, Barney. It’s just that…well, it’s not something you see every day,” Gertie said. Barney mumbled his acknowledgement and continued to slurp peach schnapps.
“Hey, I’d like to propose a toast.” Randy lifted his bottle. We joined him in raising our bottles. “To Karma, Inc., may it live long and prosper!”
“May it live long and prosper!”
Gertie turned to Ezzy and me. “Randy sure comes up with the most interesting phrases.”
“No, he’s just quoting another TV character out of context,” I pointed out.
With our self-congratulating toasts out of the way, our little gathering turned to catching up on what else was happening in our lives. And of course, having a few more drinks. At some point, our friend—Leigh’s fiancé, Hunter—was mentioned. I couldn’t help but think about our meeting with Hunter’s parents, Max and Millie.
I remembered Millie’s words. Suddenly, part of me wanted to forget the whole idea of Karma, Inc. A strong compulsion shoved the thought far to the side. We had to continue with this dark magic. I figured if I shared my worries, it would clear my head and eliminate any more anxiety. “After listening to Max and Millie, I can’t help but wonder if this is the best idea. You saw how she started to tear up over the whole Karma and yoga thing. If they find out what kind of business we are really running, they’re going to be a pair of pissed off hippies.”
Barney was sprawled out on Ezzy’s lap and sat up when he heard me voice my concerns. He gave us some drunken words of encouragement. “You know what I think? What they don’t know won’t hurt them. That’s right. We’ll simply keep them away from it. Besides, you also heard them complaining about not getting customers. My guess is that even if they do suspect our business is not exactly the altruistic venture they envisioned, they’ll overlook it. Why? Because we will be bringing the kind of customers they want strolling around their shop.”
“Never underestimate the power of money,” Randy replied.
“Hey, you and Gertie saw how one of the magic powders worked this morning, but you haven’t even seen the coolest stuff yet. Let’s work some more magic. What do you say, Ezzy? Kelly?”
“Definitely. If they are in on this, they need to see it in action.” I was in full agreement.
Ezzy was less than enthused. “You’re right, but I really don’t want to put on those damn Druid pajamas right now.”
Barney patted Ezzy’s thigh. “I think you’re in luck, baby. Take a look at my ball. It’s really agitated right now.”
“Look at your what?” Randy scoffed. “I had no idea that frogs had balls.”
“I’m talking about my magic orb, wiseass.” Barney pointed to the crystal ball he left on the floor next to the TV. “Hand it here. It’s getting a signal from one of the spells we worked last night.” Blue light pulsed from within the globe. Cautiously, I picked it up and carried it over to Barney. “All right, kids. Turn on the TV and let’s see who’s getting it. My guess, it’s finally Jackass Scott.”
I gave Randy and Gertie the Cliff’s Notes version of my awful date with Jackass Scott. I turned on the TV, and we waited for Barney to tune in our cursed victim. “There! You’re right, Barney. It’s Scott.” I leaned close to the screen and tried to make sense of where he was and what he was doing. He was sitting on a bench in a park.
“Looks like he’s waiting on someone. He keeps checking his watch,” Randy noted. “And from the looks of those guys coming up the path, he’s about to get mugged.”
I hushed my brother. “Listen. They’re saying something to him.”
Scott’s skin was pasty white and his forehead glistened with a nervous sweat. His voice was shaky. “Who are you guys? If you want money, you’ve got the wrong guy.”
“We don’t want money. I bet you were hoping you were going to meet a woman. A woman named Jasmine?”
“Yeah. She’s my girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend. Or something. How did you know?”
“I’m her cousin, Victor. These are a few of my friends.” He nodded to four men who looked like they belonged on one of those gang awareness posters I saw at my school. “Jasmine decided not to meet you. She asked me to give you a message.”
“What? I talked to her at the bar last night. I told her I wanted to work things out. She’s the one who suggested we meet here.”
“Hey, dumbass. She set you up. She doesn’t want to get back together with you. Ever. Quit showing up when she’s out with her friends and trying to start some shit. Some people would call the cops on a stalker like you. We don’t call the cops in our family.”
The men were closing in on Scott, surrounding him. He stood up and looked around. It was obvious there would be no escape. “Hey, guys, I don’t want any trouble. I won’t ever talk to her again! I promise!”
“That’s awful nice of you, but we’re going to leave you a little reminder of our conversation. Consider this your restraining order.”
I think we were all shocked at how swiftly the men swooped in around Scott. All we could see was a curtain of black leather that briefly surrounded him. It couldn’t have been for more than a minute. The men scattered as quickly as they attacked. Scott was on the ground, curled up like one of those little rolly polly bugs. He was alive, but there was no doubt he would be feeling the effects of that ass kicking for a long time.
Gertie looked away from the screen. “Jaysus! Is it over? They beat that man to a pulp! I had no idea we’d be getting into this sort of business. Did you curse that man so he would get attacked?”
“Whoa! Hold on, Gertie. We never used this magic to order a beating on him. We only put in motion the forces that would pay him back double what he’d been doing to others. If this was the result, then that’s what was coming to him.”
Barney had been slurping schnapps the entire time and now he was quite drunk. “That’s right. You all agreed to be in on this game, and there’s no turning back.”
Now, Barney’s eyes were typical frog eyes. They protruded, or perhaps bulged out, from his head. He blinked a lot, like frogs do, I suppose. But at that moment, his eyes popped up and down, then froze in place with half-closed eyelids. Barney looked around the living room at each of us with his weird equivalent to an angry squint. “Remember the old saying, ‘you can’t put the genie back in the bottle’.”
Sure, I had heard the saying. I almost laughed out loud because it seemed like a very odd choice of idioms. I grumbled my retort. “Or put the frog back in the trunk…apparently.” After I said it, an uneasy feeling crept over me. Even though Barney was mischievous, there was nothing evil about him as a person—or whatever he really was. Still, he sometimes radiated some pretty sinister vibes. I wondered if the intoxicated imp accidentally hinted at something he’d rather kept to himself.
Randy munched on my stash of honey roasted peanuts. It was obvious by the look on Randy’s face he picked up on Barney’s obscure advice as well. Breaking the slightly tense atmosphere, Randy tossed a peanut high above his head. “Peanut, Barney?” Barney’s tongue shot out, making a direct hit. However, forward momentum carried his tongue a few more feet.
When I watched the tongue shoot toward the ceiling, it seemed to be in slow motion. It was like witnessing a terrible accident about to occur and knowing you’re powerless to stop what comes next. Barney was about to become a victim of the laws of physics. “Oh…shit.” Those were the only words to escape my mouth.
The pink sticky frog tongue was instantly caught up by the blades of my ceiling fan. His tongue became entangled, then wrapped up in the way a fishing reel winds up line. Barney was jerked from Ezzy’s lap. He instantly reacted by grabbing Ezzy’s top. Her shirt stretched to the breaking point as the fan reeled Barney in. It had to be incredibly painful to have your tongue caught in a ceiling fan, yet Barney held firm. Ezzy’s shirt fought the good fight, but the power of a retracting frog tongue combined with the winch-like mechanics of the fan proved to be too much for the thin material.
Ezzy’s button down shirt was torn wide open. For a split second, Barney looked curiously at the piece of material gripped in his hand, then at Ezzy’s bare breasts. The only thing that kept Barney from being pulled away to his death was Ezzy’s grip on a single frog toe.
Now, I have to hand it to my brother. He noticed the problem instantly and was the only person to flip the fan switch on the wall. But this all happened so quickly. By the time the fan was turned off, it was too late. Barney had already been transformed into a writhing green ball of pure panic and his toe slid from Ezzy’s hand. Violently snatched away by his tongue, Barney’s little body hurled at lightning speed into the fan.
The impact of Barney’s flesh against metal, wood, and plaster created a truly sickening sound. The fan stopped and so did Barney. I looked up to see Barney hanging by his overstretched tongue wrapped up in the fan blades. It looked just like a drawn out strip of bubblegum that suspended his limp body above us.
“Oh. My. God.” We all said in unison.
Except Gertie’s more verbose commentary. “Sweet baby Jesus! I’ve never seen anything like it. Do you think he’s still livin’?”
“Maybe, but I’d say Barney might have croaked. Get it?”
“Damn you, Randy! Don’t even joke about this.” Ezzy was, surprisingly, the most upset about Barney’s accident.
I remember noticing an unfamiliar shakiness in her voice. I wasn’t sure if it was because she actually cared so much about Barney or if she was worried we’d be implicated in his death. We certainly would have a hard time explaining to the Union why we reanimated an imp. I couldn’t even begin to imagine having to face Marie and explain how we contributed to his liquored up state via a bottle of peach schnapps, let alone a bungee cord ride over the rainbow bridge.
Ezzy stretched her arms up, jumping in vain. Her boobs bounced up and down, looking just like the Jell-O molds my mom makes, peach with a single straw
berry on top. I wondered if she finally regretted not wearing a bra. Ezzy realized her rescue attempts were futile. “We have to get him down! Gertie, you’re the smallest. Hop on Randy’s shoulders and get up there and get him.”
Randy squatted down, letting Gertie climb onto his shoulders. Despite her smaller size, he struggled just a bit when he tried to stand. “Christ! You’re heavier than you look, Gertie.” He glanced at Ezzy. “Hey, I just realized something. Kelly, look at Ezzy’s boobs. Tell me they don’t look just like Mom’s Jell-O molds.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking!”
Gertie wobbled atop Randy’s staggering frame and even she managed to comment on Ezzy’s bouncing Jello-O molds. “Sweet Jesus, they do! She made it when I came over for supper. Randy, remember how funny it was when you tried to spray the whipped cream on top and it just shot out everywhere? You should have heard how they all joked about that one.”
“If you asshats can spare a minute from gawking at my tits, do you think you can help Barney?”
Gertie found the end of Barney’s tongue, quickly pulling it free from one of the blades. It was enough to make his tongue rapidly unwind itself. Barney hit the floor with a thud. His tongue returned to his mouth just like the self-rewinding power cord on my vacuum.
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