“Barney? Barney?” Ezzy shook him, then looked at me for some sort of help or advice. She placed her hands under his arms like she would pick up a baby. “I…I think he’s—”
“Uh. Uh. So this is paradise.” Barney forcefully blinked his eyes back into focus. He slapped his big sticky hands right on either side of Ezzy’s breasts, buried his face in her cleavage, and proceeded to blow. I gasped at his very wet imitation of a motorboat.
“Bastard!” Ezzy threw him down in disgust. He landed with a sickening splat when he hit the floor. “To think I was actually worried about you.”
Barney rolled around in a fit of laughter. “Oh, ho-ho. It was worth it. You have some mighty fine knockers, baby.”
“This meeting is adjourned.” I looked around at the mess. “Let’s call it a night.”
“I agree. Gertie? I don’t know about you, but I’m too buzzed to fly home. Let’s stay here,” Randy suggested.
“Sure! I love a good sleepover.”
I went to take care of my dogs, including my newly rescued Chihuahua and my new cat. This was not how I envisioned starting my long overdue summer break. That very night, something strange happened. Even if I stopped to consider all of the weird crap going on in my life lately, this incident still managed to stand out.
It was late, but the dogs needed to go out. I opened the sliding patio door, and they happily bounced into the small fenced in garden. I refuse to call it a yard, it sounds more European and I fancy calling it my garden. I watched them do what dogs have to and let them back inside. Just as I closed the door and pushed the locking lever down, something outside caught my eye.
In the far corner, there’s a small wrought-iron, two chair bistro set, a birthday gift from Randy. Next to it, I was certain I saw a woman. She wandered among the rose bushes and knelt down a couple of times, sweeping her hands over the ground. The moonlight bathed her in a strange ethereal sapphire glow. The glow prevented me from making out any recognizable features. Suddenly, she was gone. The dogs didn’t react at all to the spectral visitor. I convinced myself that it couldn’t be a ghost, yet the frightening memory lingered with me for days.
After I had time to process it, a week or so, I knew it had to be a ghost. There was no other explanation and in light of what I now knew about the supernatural world, it certainly wasn’t a far-fetched one. I needed to tell Ezzy.
Her response wasn’t what I expected. “Listen, Kelly. As far as I know, true ghosts are extremely rare. I’m talking the rarest of the rare supernatural beings. They are tied to a specific place, always—a house, a lake, a castle, a bridge, whatever. So if your garden is haunted by a ghost, you would have seen it before. Many times, in fact. It wouldn’t just show up for no reason.”
I thought for sure Ezzy would have believed me. A girl just can’t catch a break sometimes. You would think that if anyone would believe in your ghost sighting, it would be your best friend who is a fricking witch with centuries’ worth of supernatural experiences.
Chapter Eleven
Break Time
Kelly stopped telling her story. Her shoulders slumped and her head drooped and bobbed.
“Miss Franchetti? Are you all right?” One of the shadowy figures asked.
“Huh? Wha….”
Marie Laveau took Kelly’s left hand and rubbed it. “Are you doing okay, child? You stopped talking for a while.”
“Uh, yeah. I’m fine. I think so. I’m a little fuzzy, that’s all. I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn’t wake myself completely. I could only swim to the surface of a cloudy pond.”
A second shadow cloaked witch asked a question. “Miss Franchetti. You told us about Barney’s incident with the ceiling fan. Were you aware about Regulation WU-794,325?”
“You have got to be kidding. Regulation what?”
“WU-794,325 prohibits witches from supplying alcohol to demons, devils, imps, goblins, and evil sprites,” she replied.
“Don’t answer that,” Marie directed Kelly. She turned to the board, addressing them in a terse tone. “An apprentice witch wouldn’t know an obscure ruling like that. It’s unreasonable for you to even assume such a thing.”
The witches mumbled among themselves, and I wondered why this seemed to be an important discovery for them. My thoughts were interrupted by another request from the board. “Miss Franchetti. You told us that you felt a dark force of some kind was urging you on. That it somehow had you enchanted in some way to continue your path into the dark arts. Wouldn’t you say it’s true that you knew this magic was forbidden, and yet you still sought it out?”
“Um…yes. Yes, that would be true, but…”
“In that case, you can’t blame the dark forces you yourself chose to unleash when you embarked on this illicit enterprise. You knew what you were doing. Now, we want you to tell us more of your story. Please skip over some of the details of your Karma, Inc. clients. We don’t need to know about every single one of them. Continue the story at the point where you made the decision to move out of Chicago.”
Marie Laveau whispered something in Kelly’s ear. Obviously, she was giving Kelly some advice on how to respond.
After that, Kelly looked composed and she spoke confidently. “It wasn’t quite as simple as that. I’m not sure if I can tell you something out of context and have it make sense.”
“Enough with the questioning! Let her tell the whole story!” Marie removed the top from the decanter and poured another shot of truth serum. “All right, girl. One more shot. Just let them know an overview of what led up to the move and continue from there. Tell them everything from that point on. Now, bottom’s up!”
Kelly took the glass and hesitated. “If you think it’s best.” Marie nodded and Kelly forced a weak smile as she raised the little glass. “Salute!” A few short minutes later, Kelly’s mind was once again immersed in the past, and she continued her story.
Chapter Twelve
Raking in the Cash
Things went very well for the next couple of weeks. Ezzy sort of just moved in with me. Of course, Barney, too. Gertie and Randy popped in every few days and I was glad they did. We had a tremendous response to the classified ads that Randy set up. We always met our clients at Max and Millie’s store, and their business had a huge uptick in revenue. After all, we met at least five clients a day and often as many as ten. Our income was even better than we ever expected. Our fee started at one grand minimum. The more complicated the case, the higher the price tag for our services. For some of them, we charged up to five grand. To be honest, there were many people who were more than happy to cough up more than that, much more. We gladly accepted the cash. My sales pitch was always: “It’s cheaper than contracting a hit and you aren’t committing a single crime.” Over the first three weeks, Karma Inc. took in three hundred and sixty five thousand dollars! It was insane.
With all the cash flying around, Max started to get skittish. “Hey, Kelly, man. I’m starting to freak a little. I think I’ve been seeing dudes around back in the alley. Millie swears the ice cream truck has a guy with a camera in it. I think the Feds are on us, man.”
“Feds? Why? It’s not like you’re selling weed in the back room. Speaking of weed, maybe you and Millie should lay off of it for a while. It’s making you paranoid.”
“Naw, man. We’re burned way past paranoia. But you have to admit, it looks fishy with so many people coming and going. Plus, we have a lot of cash around here now.”
“So what if it’s the Feds? Let them look all they want. There isn’t anything illegal going on.”
Ezzy had been leaning against the wall, listening to my conversation with Max. “I think there is something, or rather someone, you guys haven’t considered. Maybe this place is being watched, but it’s not the law. Someone might be planning to rob the place.”
“Yeah! You’re right, Ezzy. We need to be careful.”
I knew the best person to call for a concern like this, my Uncle Carmine. A quick call was all it took. Later
the same day, we met Uncle Carmine and his crew, Johnny Nipples and Hamster Dick, at the Kovacs’ apartment above the store.
“Max! Millie! I haven’t seen yas in years!” Carmine wrapped Max up in a bear hug and gave Millie a very polite kiss on her cheek.
“Wait. You know them?” I was shocked that I wasn’t aware of this fact. Even in a big city like Chicago, you can have the unexpected mutual friends. It’s just more surprising when it happens.
“Sure! The Kovacs used to rent a place from me. A little apartment just up the street from here. Max used to deliver packages for me once in a while. Good people.” At Millie’s request, Carmine took a seat on a giant nest of pillows that nearly swallowed him up. “So, how can I be of help?”
I was about to explain everything, but out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Barney trying to navigate through a bead curtain. “Ezzy can explain it better than I can. Excuse me.” I made a speedy exit through the curtain and picked up Barney on my way through. “We can’t let anyone see you. My Uncle Carmine and his friends have no clue we’re involved in magic or witchcraft.” Barney whined in protest, but he knew the drill. Millie had followed me, and she took Barney into the kitchen. By the time I returned to the living room, Ezzy was giving a vague overview of our new business and the cash gusher we’d struck.
“We’re not selling drugs or counterfeiting if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s more along the lines of Millie’s psychic reading biz. We’ve found some good clients, and they are flush with cash. Because we’ve been doing so well, Max and Millie’s cash flow has increased. To be honest, we could use some security. Just some eyes and ears in the area. You know, to let us know if anyone is planning to hit this place.”
“You girls sure hit the jackpot. I don’t need to know what kind of con you’re running on some suckers who come down from Highland Park. They can afford it. Have you noticed anyone snooping around here?”
That was Max’s cue. “I can’t swear that people have been snooping, but I know I’ve seen more than one stranger back in the alley at odd times. Millie said an ice cream truck has been spying on us.”
“Ice cream truck?” Carmine shot a glance at his crew. Hamster Dick and Johnny Nipples both nodded silently. Carmine rubbed his chin like he does when he is deep in thought. “Max, how often has she seen the ice cream truck around here?”
“I don’t know. At least three times. Maybe more. She said it looked like a guy was taking pictures.”
“Uncle Carmine? What is it about that ice cream truck?”
“Nothin’ at all. It reminded me of something…from a long time ago. But it has nothing to do with this. Trust me.” Carmine’s disarming smile was working. If he wasn’t worried, I wasn’t.
“Yeah, Kelly, a long time ago,” Johnny added.
Hamster chuckled. “Buried in the past.”
With a subtle wave of his hand, Carmine quieted his crew. “Tell you what. We’ll keep our ears and eyes open. Me, Johnny, and Hamster will come around a few times a day. If anything is going on, we’ll know about it.”
Our meeting was interrupted by the noise only a glass bead curtain being ripped from the doorway can make. Millie added to the clamor with a series of shrieks. Johnny and Hamster must have been ardent about their consumption of Geritol, because they jumped to their feet like twenty-year-old men. Max wrapped Millie in his arms and tried to calm her down.
“What’s going on, babe?”
“I—I—saw—saw someone. I looked out the window and saw him in the alley. He came out of the abandoned building behind us. He looked right at me, Max! I felt a very dark vibe coming from him.”
Hamster drew a nickel plated pistol from under his jacket. “I’ll get him!” Johnny took out his pistol and was ready to join in the hunt.
“Hold on! You can’t just go whacking some guy in the alley. It could be anyone. Look out the window first,” Carmine ordered.
Millie led us to the kitchen where we crowded around the only window, which was located in the door that led out to a small private deck. Carmine quietly opened the door, sneaking out with his two man crew. “I don’t see anyone,” Johnny whispered.
“There! Behind the open door to that old place. I think he went inside. Just watch, see if he comes back out.”
We didn’t have to wait long. A lone figure shuffled out. When I say shuffled out, I mean literally. The poor old man was hunched over, his head drooped, and his only gait was the wino shuffle.
Johnny, Carmine, and Hamster roared with laughter. “Millie! Baby! It’s just one of those winos. We can ask him to move along, but I’m sure he’s harmless.” Carmine took a roll of bills from his pocket and peeled off a few hundred dollar bills. “Get the old guy a couple of sandwiches and some Gatorade. No booze. Check him out, make sure he’s not going to be trouble. Let him keep the change and tell him to find a new hangout. Be nice about it.” The men took the money and followed their orders. Carmine returned to the kitchen and placed one of his hands on Max’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, they’ll be nice about it. After all, this used to be my neighborhood. Chances are, that guy might have worked for me at one time.” He gave Millie a little pat on the cheek. “You gotta calm down a notch, Millie.”
“Say, Uncle Carmine, do you know what that empty building was used for? It’s a little unusual for a place to stay empty like that and not be boarded up, at least.”
“Yeah. That old place, I heard it was once an icehouse. You know, a place for ice back in the days before refrigeration. Some people have told me there is a big set of doors in the floor that cover a deep cellar where the ice was stored. They’re chained shut. I guess to keep kids from falling in. Even more people will tell you the place is haunted. Of course, you know how these old neighborhoods are, people tell stories. Legends. But I have to admit, it keeps most people out. Someone still owns it. I don’t know who, but it’s best to stay out of there. They ought to padlock the door.”
We heard the noisy return of Johnny and Hamster as they came up the stairs. “Done, boss. Just another bum,” Hamster announced.
“Yeah, he seemed okay. He’ll stay away from this block,” Johnny added.
“Thanks for helping out, Carmine. Millie and I really appreciate it.” Max walked Carmine and his friends to the door.
“You can show your appreciation better by cutting us in on some of the money you’re raking in. I’ll give all of you the friends and family discount. How does ten percent sound?”
It was an easy decision that we all shook on.
Once we heard the door close, Barney came out from a cabinet under the sink. “I knew it. There is something about that old icehouse. Millie felt something, too. I’m not saying it’s haunted. I bet the government has some kind of secret underground lab in there.”
Ezzy picked Barney up and set him on the counter. “Not a government lab. Most likely it’s some sort of criminal enterprise. You heard Carmine. He said someone still owns it, and it’s best to stay out. I agree. I’d hate to get caught up in some crazy shit that’s none of our business.”
I walked out onto the little deck and gazed at the alley. “You know what? What you just said actually makes me feel better. It means that if the Kovacs have actually been seeing people, it has nothing to do with Karma, Inc. I really don’t care what goes on in some old building, just as long as they mind their own business.”
Chapter Thirteen
A Special Client
Another week went by and it was business as usual for Karma, Inc. I diligently tracked what kind of problems seemed to be the source of so much trouble in Chicagoland. My assumption was that we would see more relationship issues than anything else. Surprisingly, it was the workplace that turned out to be the number one source of our client’s misery and anger.
One night after I got into bed, Ezzy popped in to hang out for a bit. “Ezzy, are you a little surprised at the types of problems that make up the majority of our cases? I thought we’d have more fun ones.”
“Not really. Think about it. How many ranting discourses are you subjected to in any given month? Tons, right? But only a handful of them are good, juicy relationship stories. Those puppies only come around once, maybe twice, a year. The weekly variety are the tired speeches about the spouse who just doesn’t seem to care anymore, or some dip wad boyfriend who still acts like he’s seventeen. Blah, blah, yawn. If you’re lucky, you just might overhear some secondhand gossip about the husband who found out his wife of twenty years had been moonlighting as a dominatrix or working a phone sex line. But those are definitely rare.”
“I suppose you’re right. Most of the whining is about the job. My boss this and my co-worker that. That guy from IT this and that woman in the mailroom. And people you barely know are splashing it all over social media, pounding out their angst on some poor keyboard. Then they’ll bitch about the caps lock key being broken.”
To be honest, I was already getting a little bored with Karma, Inc., but I didn’t say anything to Ezzy. I certainly wasn’t bored with the money we were making. All those student loans and back taxes I’d been almost losing sleep over—but not weight, sadly—were now paid in full. I even replaced my poor beat up car with a completely impractical BMW M6 convertible, in black sapphire of course. Finally, I had a car with horsepower that exceeded my IQ. The unadvertised benefit about having the ability to go from zero to sixty in four face-flattening seconds was making men drool like idiots.
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