At Arm's Length

by Amber Nation

Ha! That was rich, who the hell was I kidding. That was something he did every single day of my life. I stomped my foot on the ground to show that I was really irritated.

  I should’ve known. But on the other hand, he was only doing what I had asked of him. That if he knew anything pertaining to Holden to keep it to himself. I never in my wildest dreams would ever imagine that he was going behind my back speaking to the man, though. That Benedict Arnold, whose side was he on anyway?

  Holden began chuckling, thus pulling me from my internal battle. I placed my hands on my hips and tapped my toe. “Care to share what’s so amusing with the crowd?” His hilarity certainly wasn’t helping his case any.

  “I forgot how cute you get whenever you’re mad.”

  “Excuse me, I’m not cute.”

  His laughing died in his throat as he completely sobered. His eyes flared with heat causing my heart to melt just the smallest fraction. I wasn’t supposed to swoon at the man; I was mad at him, damn it.

  “No, you’re right. You’re not cute.” I nodded my head once, satisfied with his answer. Finally, we were both in agreement about something. He began circling around me as if I was his prey. “Cute is a puppy or about one in every fifty kids.” Wait a minute, he didn’t think all kids were cute? Okay, well he did have a point there. Some were just obnoxious, not that I would admit that aloud, though. He continued circling around until he stopped back in front of me. He inched closer and ended up so close to me that I could feel his breath on my lips. Just the slightest movement forward and his lips would be flush against my own. And if that happened, I didn’t think that I would be able to do anything to stop it. But I didn’t actually want that, though, right?

  “You, Marlee, are fucking beautiful.” My knees wobbled, threatening to buckle. I actually had to reach out to grip onto his forearms to steady myself because I feared that I would fall over. He wasn’t supposed to make me swoon. I opened my mouth to tell him just that when he cut me off with more of his words. “From the moment I first met you, I knew you would be the only person that I could be myself with. It’s true that I kept a major factor of my life away from you. But I also allowed you access to the biggest part of me, my heart. I always thought that football was what defined me, and therefore I undoubtedly didn’t want my reputation to hinder how you saw me. I spent my days allowing my pent-up anger to get the best of me.

  “But being around you, I now know that it was you who breathed the life into me. Because the second I walked away from you, I couldn’t breathe. And I haven’t been able to take a full breath until I saw you again today.” My grip tightened on his arm as I tried my best to keep the tears swimming in my eyes from toppling over and spilling down my cheeks. “I thought that by moving closer to you would help, but I was only kidding myself. Then I ended up so close to you but unable to do anything about it.” He lowered and shook his head while he chuckled, then looked up with just enough time to completely melt my heart with his powerful words. “I’m man enough to tell you that I need you, Marlee Tate. I know generally speaking that we’ve only known each other for a handful of days. But the way that I feel for you can’t be measured by time.”

  His eyes searched deep into mine, and I knew that he could sense how scared that I was. “I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I love you, pixie.” I swayed on my feet as my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. Holden lifted his hands and cupped my cheeks in each of his palms, then used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that were now freely rolling down the apples of my cheek. His voice lowered to just barely above a whisper, “No one will ever be good enough for you, sweetheart. I’m just asking for the chance to try.”

  My tears continued to fall while my heart had lodged itself, literally, in my throat. I didn’t know how I was going to form words around it.

  A jolt of lightning lit the sky just seconds before a boisterous crack of thunder sounded causing me to jump. The rain was slight at first, so I closed my eyes and leaned my head back relishing the cool droplets as they coated my skin washing away my remaining tears. Once I opened my eyes, I saw Coach Jackson approaching the two of us out of my peripheral vision and I knew that our time was quickly coming to an end.

  I stepped back out of Holden’s embrace, his expression changing into one of confusion. I then rummaged through my purse and extracted my umbrella as the rain began picking up at an overwhelming pace. I opened the umbrella over my head, shielding myself from the downpour, leaving Holden unprotected. My actions couldn’t be misinterpreted, but I didn’t know if there was anything that I could say that would make this situation end any differently. I found difficulty in actually being able to speak. Once I was able to form words, I couldn’t help the nervous tone my voice had acquired. “Holden, I really don’t think that I should keep Coach Jackson waiting any longer.” I decided to keep things simple, even though this decision made me a coward. I was doing the logical thing, following my brain and ignoring everything else. In doing so, you could see the light fade from his eyes as his face drained of color. Being witness to this killed me, but I started it, so it was only me who could finish it.

  He pressed his lips tight, forming a line, then laughed bitterly as he said, “I see.” His facade slipped showing the real man behind the mask. “Well, thanks for listening, Marlee.” Holden’s shoulders slumped while he dragged his feet along the now muddy field. My heart was breaking again, and this time, it was no one’s fault but my own.

  Fiction or not, I was no better than the heroine in my most favorite gut wrenching book. Allowing the thoughts and judgments of others to affect my own personal actions. When was I going to start living my own life and following my own heart?

  As I stood there watching him walk away again, I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn’t go after what my heart wanted the most. My arm fell to the side, and my fingers allowed the umbrella to slip free my grasp. I didn’t need something superficial to shield me from the rain or whatever life decided to throw my way. I needed Holden.

  Whipping my head toward the man approaching me, I hoped like hell that I wasn’t too late.

  “Coach Jackson…”

  Nothing like a sudden downpour to make your horrible mood turn that much shittier. I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other as each step back to the locker room was harder than the last. My ribs were screaming in agony, but my heart, well, that pain was indescribable. A feeling unlike anything I have ever endured before, and I’ve felt excruciating pain. Then there was a burn in my chest that intensified whenever I breathed or moved. Is this what it felt like when the other half of your soul was ripped away from you?

  By the time I made it back to the locker room, I was drenched from head to toe, but at least the majority of the team had already hightailed it out of here. Of course you had a few stragglers, but they tended to mind their own damn business like normal people. Not that I cared, I just didn’t want anyone on my case. Namely Roscoe.

  That asshole would be getting a piece of my mind on top of one hell of an ass whooping. What possessed him to do something like that?

  One quick glance around the room revealed that there was no sign of the traitor. He’d have to wait until I’d had a chance to stew in my anger. Making sure he got the brunt of the backlash and not one single ounce less than he deserved.

  I couldn’t believe that I lost her. And this time, I knew it was for good. Her tone was laced with finality so nothing I could say or do would change her decision. I felt it deep within my bones. I had one chance at winning her back, and I blew it. I could blame it on not being mentally prepared, but that would be a crock of shit. Obviously, I wasn’t some swoon-worthy Casanova who could normally pull out heartfelt words at the drop of a hat, or in my case a helmet. But I always knew what I was going to say to her once I saw her again. I just waited too long to say it.

  Timing was everything. And that was something that was never really on our side. So evidently we were just delaying the inevitable.

  La
unching my helmet into my open locker, I slammed my ass down on the bench seat in front of it with far more force than was even remotely necessary. I jerked my soaked practice jersey from my pants and pulled it off over my head, leaving it in a heap on the floor. Next, I angrily tugged at the laces on my cleats. The knots were a fucking nuisance on any given day, but add in the fact that they were drenched, made them damn near impossible.

  Finally getting the mother fuckers free, I threw them into my locker as well, not caring about all the loud clanging I was engaging in. This left me in my pants and my shoulder pads, which I unsnapped and unbuckled all of the tethers so they weren’t as restricting, but essentially left them where they were.

  I sat there with my head in my hands trying to think back to see if I could’ve done anything differently. That constant thought of what if I had said something or did something differently. Those thoughts alone were enough to make you go insane.

  She basically dismissed me.

  Shit, there wasn’t any basically to it, she fucking did. I poured my heart out to her, unlike I’ve ever dreamed of doing before. My words and the meaning behind them weren’t ineffective, her tears proved that. Did I just mean that little to her? Did I read things entirely wrong? Or had too much time passed?

  Seeing her again after four months only solidified my feelings for her. As if there was any doubt in my mind before, looking into her eyes once again sealed the deal.

  And since she would be working with the team, I would be seeing her all the time. If the initial knife being plunged into my heart didn’t hurt badly enough, it would only get worse as it was twisted by working closely with her and not being able to touch her.

  The bottom of my shoulder pads were digging into my ribs which only pissed me off further, so I jerked them off but held onto them tightly in my fists. Expelling my anger seemed to be the only answer I could come up with, and even if I had to do it on an innate object, then so be it. The frustration of the entire day was overbearing, and I knew no amount of deep breathing exercises or fucking counting to ten was going to dissuade my mood. “God dammit,” I roared, launching my pads across the room. The high that I normally felt and basked in only lasted momentarily. That’s why I not only wanted Marlee, but I needed her. Whenever I was with her, I felt an altogether different high, one that I reveled in more than anything else. Which was why I never felt the need to get angry, because I had everything I wanted and nothing else even remotely mattered.

  “Easy there, Hulk.” I didn’t know that someone could have a favorite voice, but I did. Everything from her tone to her pitch soothed me. And I couldn’t help the elation I felt when I heard it again, so I whipped my head around and there she stood, leaning against the corner of the entrance. Standing so casually as if she hadn’t ripped my world apart just minutes before. Her stance made me hope that impossible could turn into possible. Her shoes were missing, and she was absolutely drenched, but she had a beaming smile plastered on her face that made her look positively radiant. And she was all fucking mine.

  My pixie.

  By being here, she just placed the ball back in my court, and I wasn’t giving up on her, on us. I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Back to that again, are we?”

  One thing that was clear was that I needed to tread carefully and proceed with the utmost caution. I stayed seated on the bench, not making a move to get closer to her even though I wanted to gather her in my arms and never let go. “Where’s your umbrella?”

  She gave her response with a shrug of her shoulder and pushed herself off of the wall. “Technical difficulties. I’d really like to blame it on the wind, but it was more along the lines of, I had more pressing things to attend to rather than to worry about whether I got wet.”

  I watched her bare feet pad along the tiled floor as she took a couple steps in my direction, before stopping abruptly. “And your shoes?”

  She looked down at her feet, lifting one up that was covered with wet grass, not to mention speckles of mud. “They were a poor choice of footwear, plain and simple.”

  “But they are fucking hot.”

  “I agree, they are fucking hot.” My dick hardened just picturing Marlee in those shoes and absolutely nothing else. “But not something to wear on a football field, especially when it’s raining.”

  “Yeah, they really should be worn in the bedroom, though.” Oh yeah, that would be happening first chance we got so that image could be forever seared into my brain. “So they can be appreciated in private.”

  She raised a brow. “Is that right?”

  She moved a few feet closer to me, only an arms-length away, but I still made no advances to reach for her. If she was going to come to me, it was going to be on her terms.

  “So what happened with Coach Jackson?” No beating around the bush anymore, I didn’t have the patience for not knowing the outcome.

  “Well,” she pushed a strand of her wet hair behind her ear and tossed the rest behind her shoulder. “I thanked Bill for the opportunity, but I respectfully declined.”

  My throat grew thick with emotion, and I had the hardest time trying to hold my tears at bay. If seeing her every day would be hard, not seeing her would absolutely kill me. It was a double-edged sword with only one way around it. And I hoped like hell that it was in my favor. “Did you give him a reason why?”

  “I did.” She took a step closer and then another. Hope bloomed in my chest and spread throughout my body when she didn’t stop. I lifted my forearms up off of my thighs just in time to engulf her hips in my hands before she sat sideways on my lap.

  I swallowed thickly. “Care to share those reasons?”

  She wrapped one arm behind my neck and used her fingers to run through the hair on my nape and looked directly into my eyes. “I told him that it would be a conflict of interest for me to work with the team when my boyfriend is on that team.”

  Fuck yeah! I wanted to fist bump the ceiling, but remained calm, cool, and collected. I instead locked my arms around her and playfully made a move to stand. “Who is he? I’ll kill the bastard.” I settled back down, eliciting a giggle from her that made me feel as if I was on top of the world. The pain in my ribs was still present, but the pain in my heart had all but dissipated so my ribs could be overlooked.

  “So, boyfriend?” I waggled my eyebrows.

  “Yeah,” she sighed before biting her bottom lip.

  I shook my head, and she released her lip, leaving her mouth agape. “No, husband.” Nothing had ever felt more right.

  Her mouth was still open, but now for an entirely different reason. “I beg your pardon?”

  “You heard me,” I challenged. “I want you to be my wife.”

  She raised her hand up in between us. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

  “So you’re saying no?”

  She took a second to think. “No.”

  “So you’re saying yes?”

  “No.”

  “Then what are you saying?”

  “You know how to get me to stop talking, so I think it’s only fair that you give me a little insight to the same. Do you have an off switch?”

  “Oh, am I talking too much for you?”

  She held up her thumb and forefinger with barely an inch of space between the two. “A little bit. Maybe we could settle on a happy medium. No one word responses like when we first met, but maybe not so much to where you forget to take a breath.”

  I squeezed her hips lightly. “You are such a smartass.” And she was, but I wouldn’t have her any other way. She called me on my shit and wasn’t afraid to put me in my place, which is what I needed. I couldn’t take it any longer, I needed her mouth. So I leaned forward and fused her lips with mine, and immediately I was home. There was no other place where I belonged, but with this woman who was in my arms.

  I slid my arm underneath her bent knees and proceeded to lift myself off of the bench with her nestled close to my bare chest. I overlooked the pain in my ribs, and even thoug
h I was physically and emotionally drained, I needed to seal the deal and make sure she was completely mine. She squealed as I walked to the open showers. Being that we were in a standard locker room there was only a communal shower, but with everyone else now gone I didn’t see why we couldn’t make use of them. Her clothes clung to her skin, and her teeth chattered with her chill. She tried to cover it up, but there wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t notice with Marlee. Even with the short amount of time that we had known one another, I was attuned with her body and even more intimately with her soul.

  “What’re you doing, Holden?”

  “Well, my job.” I decided to use her words from our first initial meeting. She went above and beyond what was necessary for a stranger, by making sure my cut was cleaned and dressed, and that I had a warm meal to eat after being out in the cold.

  “This isn’t your job.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. It is one hundred percent my job to get you out of your clothes, and believe me, sweetheart, it’s definitely no hardship. It isn’t my job to take care of you, but rather my honor and pleasure. I don’t want to see you sick. I’ll always keep you safe and warm, and above all else, love you, and I’ll consistently rise to the challenge. Not just today, but every day.”

  She wiggled her legs. “Holden, put me down.” Her tone was firm, so I complied, carefully setting her down on her feet, making sure she had her balance before I let go. Rather than stepping away from me, she captured my cheeks in her hands and looked into my eyes. “I need to apologize for before. I never listen to my heart, and that was no exception. But I knew that if I allowed you to walk away again, I would never forgive myself, and therefore my heart would never heal. The truth is, I need you too, and that scares me. I love you, Holden. And if you love me, please don’t ever let go.” Her eyes glinted with her unshed tears, and just hearing that she reciprocated the same feelings brought pure elation to my heart. “I’m stubborn and hardheaded, and I know we’ll push each other at every turn, but promise me that you’ll never let go.”