by Violet Shaw
And he thought that he had to have made a terrible mistake to be punished like this.
He was deeply traumatized. No one was allowed to hold him in their arms for years; he trusted no one. From one day to the next, he had lost everything.
“Valerie, and this is really the most astonishing thing about this gruesome tale: Although it was so horrible for him, he nonetheless survived these terrible years.
It was a miracle, but he endured. And please, I know that he can be really horrible, but never forget why he behaves that way; he simply can’t help it!”
Valerie was so shocked and moved at hearing this story that tears came to her eyes. She had to pull herself together with all her might not to lose control and burst out crying.
This far out-distanced her imagination; she had never dreamed it had been that bad.
How terribly Jason must have suffered!
Just by thinking of it, a cold shower ran down her spine and she trembled slightly. She would have loved to see Jason immediately, take him in her arms and kiss him.
“And please, Valerie, don’t say a word to Jason about our conversation. I have never spoken about this with even one person. You must promise me; he would never forgive me otherwise.”
“Mirko, you can feel assured that I won’t say anything.”
Valerie looked at Mirko with sincerity, with tears in her eyes, and with some irritation.
What should she do now? She had to help Jason somehow.
“But I need to know one more thing from you!”
It was the only question that she had for Mirko.
“Yes, feel free!”
“Why are you telling me this, of all people?”
A broad smile appeared on his face.
“That’s very simple. I’ve already seen several women come and go at Jason’s side, but not one of them has appealed to me as much as you.” And he laughed aloud.
“No, very seriously, Valerie, I believe he really likes you. And you should know that, too. You shouldn’t forget it.”
Yes, Mirko was completely right, Jason was a victim! He had to experience and suffer so much!
Suddenly Valerie felt great compassion for Jason. This new information which she had about him changed everything. It changed her total impression of his life and his character.
He wasn’t really the man he pretended to be. The hard exterior and strength that he constantly exhibited didn’t stem from his great self-confidence, but was more the result of a childhood which was ruined and of which he was robbed, and the manifestation of a maltreated soul.
And so that no one could notice anything, especially the offenses that he had experienced, he became hard and inflexible on the outside. It actually explained everything.
Valerie had been mistaken about him; it was because of this that he allowed no one to get close to him, because of his fear of being hurt again. He was very fearful of being disappointed and abandoned again if he chose to trust anyone.
Even now, two decades later, his soul must still be severely damaged. Time heals all wounds, they say, but this proverb unfortunately didn’t pertain to him.
Valerie was certain that he hadn’t properly worked through or overcome his experiences.
Had he actually ever spoken about these events openly and honestly with another person? Probably not. Apparently he was traumatized, like a soldier. He would have to let go and work through that which had happened to him; otherwise his life wouldn’t change, he wouldn’t be able to have a serious relationship with another person, nor ever sincerely love another person.
He was his own prisoner, a prisoner of his own past, and his soul was presumably locked in like a wild animal in a cage. He had undoubtedly never undergone psychotherapy, although it would have been very necessary.
Valerie felt helpless and out of her depth. What should she do now? How should she handle this new information? Why did she have to fall in love with him, of all people?
She had to behave more gently toward him, to be more receptive and to have more understanding for him and his situation.
After all, he wasn’t a lousy rat, but he presented himself as such to divert attention from his inner core, his wounds.
Oh dear, she already knew that she hadn’t chosen an easy one, but this far exceeded her wildest imagination.
And his wounds were deep. Very deep, actually, so that it was almost impossible to get near him; the possibility probably didn’t exist that he would open up one of these days. His heart was closed. Could Valerie get him to open up to her? Would he ever be ready for that or was she just building up her hopes?
But despite the injuries that he had suffered, Jason possessed an incredible will to live and a fighting spirit.
At first, in Croatia, on the island of Split, Jason was very unhappy and in despair. He thought that his life was over. His homesickness for Germany and the longing for his mother were inconceivable.
At first he still believed that his father would come for him soon, just as he had promised when they left Germany, so Jason continually asked about his parents. With time, however, he recognized that his father wouldn’t be coming back.
He had been left alone and was immeasurably disappointed. He felt he had been abandoned, and had no parents any longer.
Since he was given no plausible reason why his parents had left him, he blamed himself; he was convinced that he had made a horrible mistake. He believed he wasn’t worth loving – and finally saw himself as the unloved, abandoned child.
After a difficult and lengthy acclimation phase in Croatia, Jason developed a surprising urge for freedom. Without parents, he could do and not do what he wanted.
Already as a child, he led an adventurous life. He was mostly friendly with older children and roamed the countryside with stray cats and dogs. He went swimming alone in the open sea and learned early on how to dive into the water from the surrounding cliffs.
At that time in Croatia, there were unusual liberties available to a child of six. Children simply lived freer and less protected lives and could also develop and make use of their abilities.
So Jason learned early on to be self-reliant and to live freely and independently. And also in his later life, the same inclination toward a free, self-determined life manifested itself.
The great price that he paid for his feeling of freedom was the loss of his parents, their unconditional love, his homeland and his old friends.
Jason tried to compensate for the loss of his parents with an inflexible, hard exterior. He excelled in sport because he was an ice-cold opponent, who had nothing more to lose. And for this reason he was also a feared opponent because he was much more brutal and tougher than the rest.
Jason grew up in Spartan circumstances on the island of Split, which he wanted to forsake early on – but which also explained his great will to achieve success.
When he returned to Germany at the age of eighteen, he had to begin a new life again. He suddenly saw himself facing changed circumstances. It was like learning to walk again . . .
Valerie constantly found herself in conflict with her feelings towards him. She knew quite definitely that the coldness that Jason sometimes displayed towards her wasn’t his fault.
His rotten psycho-games were actually nothing more than an attempt to prevent someone from getting too close to him. Other people were responsible for his behavior, his parents, for the most part. She felt such immeasurable passion and love for Jason, which she wanted to lavish on him.
Valerie tried so hard, she loved him to the depths, in the truest sense of the word, for the danger always threatened that she would be pulled into the abyss with him.
And she always believed that with her love and the trust that he could have in her, she could heal, rehabilitate, and socialize him again.
“Good Evening, Mrs. Summerset!” a chorus of all of the waiters called out, when a guest or several guests entered the Japanese restaurant NOBU.
It was pure nonsense and made no sen
se, but no one was interested in that, since the restaurant and its guests, inclusive of the obscure atmosphere, were the height of perceived decadence and the decline of society.
NOBU in the exclusive Palace Hotel in St. Moritz was of itself exclusive and consisted, as appropriate for an elite establishment, simply of a few tables. The meals were delicate and so exquisite that one almost had to search for them on the plate.
But no one was really there for the purpose of eating. One visited this restaurant only because of the “show”; in general, it had to do with “seeing and being seen,” -- after all, one was among the elevated circle of the Snow Society in St. Moritz.
In the meantime, Valerie and her friends had drunk more than they had eaten, and the atmosphere at the table was slowly approaching its highpoint.
After a falling out, a reconciliation between Valerie and Jason had again taken place, and he wanted to come visit her in St. Moritz after he had shown himself to be full of insight and remorse.
She looked at the display panel of her cell phone. In the meantime it was almost 11:30 p.m. and he hadn’t yet been in touch. That was pretty typical of him, but her inner anxiety grew from minute to minute.
What was wrong with him again? Would she actually see him today?
Her friends were acting silly around the table, but she couldn’t find her way into the merry party atmosphere. Instead she became ever more agitated. The guy was making her totally nervous again.
“I’ll be back in a minute!” Valerie stood up and made her way to the ladies’ room.
In the anteroom of the restaurant, in the bar, she noticed a lively, agitated atmosphere.
She recognized a few faces from Munich and Zurich. Suddenly Jason flew by her like a bolt of lightning, his eyes trained on his Blackberry. He was here! That couldn’t be true! And he didn’t even let her know!
“Jasooonnn!” Valerie screamed, outraged.
Jason turned toward her jerkily. Either he had really just noticed that she was there – or he pretended that he had.
“Oh, yes, hello!” he stopped in front of her, irritated, and made no effort to greet her properly, to kiss her on the cheek or something similar. Nothing! He remained standing, motionless.
One could palpably sense the tension between them; one could almost touch it.
Valerie had the feeling that he wasn’t particularly pleased to have run into her. She was disappointed. She hid her feelings, which were in chaos that he had once again stirred up, so that he wouldn’t notice.
Making an effort to maintain and to give off a positive, lively air, she said: “Nice to see you! I’m here for dinner with friends.”
“Oh, yes, and now you’re going to pee!”
Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean? Was he totally wacky or only hard-boiled?
Valerie decided not to pursue his tactless and actually rhetorical question and replied simply: “Yes.”
“Right or left?”
“Pardon me? Why are you asking?” she responded with an annoyed smile.
“Oh, I don’t know where the restrooms are here!”
“Well, in that case, left!”
This couldn’t be true; they hadn’t seen each other for ages, and he was asking her where the restrooms were! Incredible! The situation threatened to send her off the rails!
“How are you, anyway?” Valerie asked, trying to find another topic of conversation.
“Oh, fine! In Kitzbühl I went out for seven days straight. I’m totally bleary eyed. I didn’t go skiing even once!”
It seemed as if he wanted to deflect her questions again and present himself as a party animal par excellence. Valerie already knew this trick only too well. This time she didn’t want to take part in any of his stupid games.
“Yes, well good. The same thing happened to me here. I was also out every night.”
Jason looked at her absent-mindedly and coldly. Valerie sensed that he had no interest in her. He had only been messing around with her. She had the feeling he wanted to leave, as he stood there still uncomfortably, holding the Blackberry in his hand.
“Do you have a date?”
“Yes, with Manfred. Do you know him?”
“No!”
Both Valerie and Jason had to laugh. In the first place, the situation was so stupid, and in the second place, because Jason had so obviously lied. Of course he didn’t have any date and certainly not with a sinister-sounding Manfred. The name alone – this person didn’t exist, guaranteed! Jason only wanted to change the conversation from whatever.
To Valerie’s surprise, Jason contacted her again later, and they met for a drink at a local bar. She was feeling skeptical toward him again and kept her distance. She also didn’t want to sleep with him, preferring to stay in her hotel room, alone.
The next afternoon, Valerie coincidentally saw Jason sitting in a café.
She didn’t want to believe her eyes, but he was indeed sitting there at a table with two girls. And they were supposed to be vacationing together!
This couldn’t be happening; he was dead in the water. Valerie realized that he couldn’t be helped; he was lost.
Fortunately Jason hadn’t noticed Valerie in the café. She and her friend Severin, with whom she was about to enter the dining room, immediately turned on their heels. She certainly didn’t want to expose herself. He could play his lousy games by himself.
That evening in the foyer of the Palace Hotel, Valerie encountered the two girls, Jason’s acquisitions of that afternoon in the café. She recognized both of them immediately. She could hardly believe it, but it seemed highly probable that these two Graces had another date with Jason.
Valerie felt terrible. The vacation had turned into pure torture for her. There was absolutely no possibility of rest and relaxation.
She would gladly have left that minute. She just wanted to get away, far away, from him.
She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her face had become expressionless, stiff, and pale as a corpse.
The joyful anticipation of the last few days had turned into the exact opposite. The degree to which she had been happy for several days was now equal to the degree of unhappiness that she felt. Heaven and hell.
She was so upset and uneasy. She hated him – and knew this feeling all too well. It always came over her when she got involved with this devil anew. She turned on the cold water and held her wrists under it; she had to cool off and calm herself.
She could hear the laughter of some women at the door, as they joked and acted silly. She was miles removed from such a feeling; she was in no mood to laugh today.
The door opened and two girls entered the ladies’ room.
At first she paid no attention to the new arrivals, but as she quickly glanced at the woman who had positioned herself at the sink next to her, she recognized her as one of the two Graces from the café that afternoon.
One of the blondes didn’t pay any attention to Valerie; she hadn’t even noticed her because she was completely self-involved, feeling like a goddess. Completely intoxicated by her probable success in picking up Jason, she seemed to be staking a lot on her successful conquest. As far as Valerie could see, she was more than unattractive. Blondie was much older -- probably in her late thirties. She was taller than Valerie and had a figure like a man, absolutely un-feminine and un-sexy in her view.
She had to admit that she had long, slender legs; but she had no waist; she was like a stick-figure, and on top of it all, no breasts. She was flat as a flounder.
The way that she was dressed was also entirely unsuitable for St. Moritz. She was miles removed from the jet-set style and one could tell immediately that she didn’t usually travel in these circles. As a sign of her “not-one-of-us” style, she had on a red shirt with embarrassing Ed Hardy appliqués. One couldn’t be less appropriately or less stylishly dressed for the occasion if one tried. Completely self-absorbed, Blondie attempted a last “spit and polish” effort at fine-tuning in front of the mirror, whil
e prattling merrily to her friend, without let-up.
She was just about to re-draw her eyeliner as she enthusiastically turned to her friend and said:
“And that, at the end, we met him, that has somehow given our vacation a certain something, too.”
Her girlfriend didn’t react; instead, she looked over at Valerie somewhat skeptically.
But Blondie didn’t notice, neither waiting for a reaction from her friend, nor becoming aware of Valerie’s presence. She was beside herself, euphoric, and to all intents and purposes already totally crazy about Jason. Without constraint she continued: “And I find him to be so much fun!”
The words sounded like sheer mockery to Valerie’s ears; in light of what Blondie had said, she felt more and more ill.
Jason was apparently having a lot of fun here. It was all the same to him, with whom he spent his days and nights. Most importantly, he had found some new girls who didn’t know him and for whom he could perform his show.
And Blondie, in her cheap Ed Hardy shirt, hadn’t yet gotten the message. She actually believed that Jason was really interested in her. She happily cackled like a hen, a hen who was excited and in a hurry. Valerie could guess where she was going: She no doubt had a date with Jason.
“Oh, no, there he is!” Valerie said, turning to her friend, Severin. Although she was already used to his disgraceful behavior, and believed that he wouldn’t be able to surprise her with his despicable, malicious conduct, she was almost speechless in the face of his current shamelessness. How could she have been so naïve, to trust him and believe in him once again?! And after all that had happened between them, all that she had gone through with him!!!
Oh, man, she felt like a blooming idiot. Had she really imagined that they could try to reconcile one more time, despite all of the warnings and prophecies of doom?
But judging by all appearances, he didn’t want anything to do with reconciliation. Consequently, he was playing his revolting psycho-games with her again, clearly signalling his intentions.
She was miserable, and on the brink of collapsing at any moment because of the pain and hopelessness that had come over her.