MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED

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MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED Page 15

by Violet Shaw


  And her girlfriend had watched it all happen.

  Valerie knew that Severin had the greatest pity for her in her tragic role. It was a role that she thought she had outgrown long ago, a role that she didn’t want to play under any circumstances.

  Valerie and Severin were standing in the lobby of the Palace Hotel. As was usually the case in high season between Christmas and the beginning of January, the ambiance was hectic and bustling.

  The nightly promenade through the expansive lobby was taking place following the gala dinner. This was the parade-ground where the select circle of the so-called upper ten-thousand met. Although it was a closed society from the outside looking in, it was by no means homogeneous, however.

  Old European financial royalty was intermixed with newly rich Russians and predominantly American Internet-millionaires.

  The rules governing access to this society were very simple: One had to have the necessary “small change” at one’s disposal, in keeping with the motto “Money makes the world go ‘round!” Possessing a jet plane or a yacht added to one’s cachet.

  And there he sat, of course, in the middle of this illustrious group in the lobby of the Palace Hotel, with the two girls that she had seen him with earlier.

  And Jason spotted Valerie immediately, as she walked into the lobby. Quick as lightning, he averted his eyes, away from her.

  He was a double-crossing, two-timing snake!

  And he was obviously having fun, flirting like mad with the woman from the café. He enjoyed himself in this game and in his role as a purported womanizer.

  He could use the occasion to test his market-value and to satisfy his disgusting narcissism at the same time.

  The blonde was downright euphoric in his company and his presumed interest.

  She also flirted without inhibition, constantly running her fingers through her hair, and smiling beatifically at Jason, showing her unnaturally white bleached teeth. He beamed back at her, baring his own bleached teeth.

  Wow, Blondie had already been entangled in his net. Congratulations!!! Within one day, Jason had succeeded in enchanting her to such a degree that she seemed to be electrified in his presence.

  One could see in her behavior that she didn’t quite believe her good luck, although she wanted to trust him, and therefore was stepping on the gas.

  “Go -- go over to their table and walk by. Show him that you’re here and that you’re not letting him bother you!” Severin encouraged Valerie.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Valerie said; she had become rather sheepish.

  “Actually, I’ve lost all interest. I would have been glad if I had never seen him again. The lousy rat!”

  Valerie had to keep herself in check; otherwise, her voice – full of agitation, disappointment, and rage – would have cracked.

  She just wanted to weep. She was so furious with him; she hated him! She never thought that she was capable of such thoughts.

  At the same time, she felt a deep inner emptiness; she had given up and was very tired.

  “No, not on your life!” Severin spurred her on. “Show him who you are right now! Walk through the lobby and right by his table; don’t hide, especially not now, at this juncture. Show him, as if you’re saying ‘You mean nothing to me at all! I’m having fun despite you and your shenanigans! And I’m a proud woman who won’t let things get her down. Especially not you!’ ”

  “Yes, I know; yes, you’re right,” Valerie replied weakly.

  It was good that she had her girlfriend with her in this unpleasant situation. She would never have been able to motivate herself if she had been alone.

  “So go, right through the lobby past his table. You look so good that you’ll attract attention, even his. Hit him with his own weapons. Just go to the ladies’ room all the way at the back of the hall, fix your eyeliner, and come right back. I’ll wait for you in the bar over there!”

  “Okay, good. I agree. I’ll be right back!”

  “See you in a minute, Sweetie. Show him!”

  Valerie walked as casually and nonchalantly, and at the same time as proudly as possible, following the red carpet across the lobby, right by his table.

  She was well aware of the effect that she could have, knew well the magnetism that she normally radiated. She knew how good she looked this evening, but wasn’t at all happy about any of it.

  But she would maintain the façade. She wouldn’t be brought down. Never! And especially not by him, the lousy rat! She could feel the looks that followed her as she moved across the room.

  And she did look captivating: A mixture of a sexy as well as unapproachable Russian grand duchess. She was wearing a short black fluttery skirt, black patterned hose that emphasized her beautiful legs, and a black lace top.

  She walked by his table, with long, straight strides, as proudly and at the same time indifferently, as possible.

  It was supposed to be a cool yet arrogant stroll across the lobby.

  She could see him and his companions out of the corner of her eye.

  He seemed to be much amused, laughing continuously, apparently cracking some inane jokes.

  He was fully aware that laughing suited him best. And he also believed that happy and successful people laughed all the time.

  The girls were completely delighted by their conquest; they were really fully caught up in what he was saying, and joined in the bursts of laughter.

  His performance was working without a hitch once again. He had found an audience for this evening.

  As he noticed Valerie passing his table, his phony laughter went silent for a moment.

  He was both surprised and startled when she appeared. Perhaps he was only frightened that she would come to the table and make an ugly scene.

  Blondie, his evening’s conquest, immediately noticed his abrupt silence and followed his gaze, which was trained on Valerie. But Valerie walked by, without batting an eyelash and without giving him as much as a glance.

  Proud and composed on the surface, but glowing with anger inside, she experienced her walk through the lobby as if in a trance.

  Arriving at the ladies’ room, she was shocked at her image in the mirror. She was white as chalk, completely overcome by nerves.

  And she had to return as she came, along the entire wretched, and at this moment for her, seemingly endless, way. She had to pass his table again and witness his uninhibited and despicable flirting.

  The more she thought about him, the more she hated him. He was dead to her. Finally.

  She opened the door and walked through the lobby, back to the bar. The piano player had just begun his evening program. The melody that she heard sounded like sheer mockery to her ears, “I Want Love,” by Elton John.

  The pianist struck the keys with heart and passion.

  Valerie looked at him and he nodded to her in greeting – as if, with his greeting, he wished to accord her the highest recognition.

  Valerie followed the red carpet through the lobby. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jason’s table.

  He was looking over at her as well.

  The lively ambiance that she had noticed at his table earlier had vanished, the “oh, so funny” atmosphere was gone. The conversation had died down.

  Apparently he had already lost his interest in the blonde. Valerie could palpably feel his gaze on her body.

  At the same time, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that the blonde was looking at her; she seemed surprised and irritated.

  With her head held high, Valerie walked by the table. She didn’t give Jason a glance.

  Jason gave the perfect performance. He had donned the mask and delivered a good show. Applause!

  His audience consisted primarily of the two girls, whom he probably picked up at the café a day earlier, as well as Valerie and her friend, Severin.

  It was grotesque.

  Valerie’s impression that he was sick became more pronounced; not with a physical illness, but a serious psychic one.


  He was a psychopath.

  She had fallen in love with a psychopath.

  The thought frightened her. But all the signs were there.

  He was incapable of love; he had no real social and interpersonal relationships, and he possessed none of the normal feelings, such as compassion and empathy for example.

  He was incapable of love, yet ironically and in contrast, was supposedly always searching for his true, great love.

  He made great promises which he never kept.

  He lived only in the present and was quickly bored by everything, particularly by other people, and therefore always on the hunt for a new adventure.

  He was distinctly narcissistic; everything revolved only around him.

  Jason was always hunting for new victims whom he needed for his personal self-validation – to degrade and destroy them.

  Cleverly, he presented himself as the victim to the outside world. He even spoke to acquaintances about his relationship with Valerie, and said:

  “She always stood me up and disappointed me. Rebuffed me 100,000 times.”

  She wondered why his psychosis was seemingly apparent only to her. All the others who really didn’t know him still fell under his spell.

  He enticed his victims right into his net like a spider. Then it was over; there was no escape.

  That was what Valerie had just been able to observe once again with this woman, who had completely shut down her powers of reason, and subject to his allure, finally fell victim to him.

  And the list of his victims was extremely long, for he kept on going. He needed a new challenge again and again as validation.

  What a miserable life! What a pathetic person he was!

  He wasn’t Casanova, he was his opposite number, a modern Don Juan. It had everything to do with his own satisfaction: to hunt and discard. Satisfaction was only to be found in this ever-repetitive game, a game that was played only according to his rules.

  It seemed as if he had neither insight nor remorse. When he did show some insight, it was only a pseudo-insight, to make his victim submissive and to manipulate her, so that he could achieve his goals.

  Valerie assumed that his sex-life was excessive, with many and frequently changing sex partners. Among other things, she had found a package of condoms under the bed in the guestroom in Zurich, which verified her unpleasant assumption.

  Jason seemed to be high on coke. Valerie asked herself how many lines he had probably snorted already this evening!

  He was all in, and apparently also very addicted. It hadn’t been fun for a long time; he didn’t just take drugs in the evenings or on weekends, and wasn’t in control any longer.

  No, quite the opposite, in fact; he was only fooling himself.

  Valerie had watched recently while he snorted a line, as she coincidentally walked into the living room. He seemed so self-satisfied and in love with himself.

  He now rose up in front of her and struck a dramatic pose.

  Otherwise, he was as cold and gruesome as a serial killer.

  He was repulsive, like all coke-heads, but felt as if he were so incredibly strong and untouchable.

  Valerie hated him profoundly.

  He laughed haughtily, an unpleasant coke-laugh.

  “Yes, and when I go to London, there will be a real celebration!”

  She sensed the monstrous coldness that emanated from him. It was a coldness and aloofness that one recognizes only in coke-heads.

  But at the same time, he was completely sure of himself.

  She felt an unbelievable hatred of him rising in her. If they hadn’t been standing in the crowded bar in front of one another, and were in a room alone together instead, she would probably have hit him.

  Yet, despite all of the rage, she felt sexually attracted to him.

  It was always an alternating onslaught of emotions. As soon as he appeared, she lost control of herself. She knew that this could become very dangerous for her.

  She looked into his eyes; her brown eyes glowed with anger and desire at the same time.

  Her loss of personal sovereignty and her condition of self-surrender didn’t seem to have escaped him.

  With the greatest assurance, he laughed in her face:

  “Oh, yes, Happy New Year; I completely forgot to mention it!”

  Valerie continued to look into his eyes, and her voice sounded more aggressive than intended: “Happy New Year to you as well!”

  Meanwhile she could see how the two girls from the café this afternoon, whom Jason had towed here and parallel-parked at another table, were watching them suspiciously.

  Valerie had had enough of his sick games; she could stand him no longer, at least for this evening.

  Guided by his miserable behavior the last few days, she snapped at him:

  “And Jason, how’s it going at the bank? Have you been fired yet?”

  Her cynical undertone made no impression whatsoever on him, who was flying high on drugs and felt invulnerable, and who responded:

  “No, completely the opposite, in fact. I’ve been promoted again and am now responsible for all of Eastern Europe.” He beamed at her, totally in love with himself.

  “Well, then, congratulations! It’s unbelievable, but obviously the possibility of sleeping their way to the top also exists for bankers, for you really don’t know how to do anything else!”

  But even these poisonous attacks left Jason cold; he burst out laughing:

  “Cool, Valerie, how witty you are!”

  And before Valerie had the chance to snap back at him, he said:

  “Let’s do something together tomorrow, Valerie, since I’ll only be here in St. Moritz for two more days, and we should really use the time!”

  It was incredible, but he really didn’t let anything bother him; he simply did his thing. All the cynicism that Valerie had brought to bear just bounced off him.

  Valerie gave him a challenging look and smiled frostily.

  “Oh, I see skepticism in your eyes, but I’ll be in touch with you again tomorrow; then we can do something together!”

  “We’ll see; I already have a date for dinner tomorrow!” She said, high and dry.

  “Alright, but let’s talk tomorrow nevertheless!” When Jason wanted something, he wasn’t scared off too easily.

  He gave her a kiss on the cheek before he turned to the two girls at the next table, whom he had parked there earlier.

  “Brrrt,” her cell phone sounded in the morning.

  A new message from Jason. He had nerve, indeed, to try to make contact again after last evening. Although he had said that he would be in touch so that they could do something together, Valerie hadn’t taken him seriously.

  “Hello, Valerie, are you interested in a turn at the gym and spa at the Palace Hotel? We could have coffee in the lobby first, and a little chat. Kiss, Jason”

  Excuse me? What is this supposed to be? He had done it again, and almost managed to trump himself in audacity.

  He and she in the spa! Apparently he also wanted to sit in the sauna with her, naked.

  There was hardly anything more brazen, after all that had happened in the last two days. The way he behaved!

  She would have like to have responded that he should ask the two girls from the night before. Most probably, however, they had already left or his interest in them had waned.

  Now she was supposed to believe that she was in the queue again.

  She had already been upset over him more than enough in the last few days. And now she would get upset again in light of the impudence of his suggestion. Did he really think that she was that stupid, naïve, and under his spell? Although she felt an animal attraction to him, she felt disinterested, unfocussed, and powerless at the same time. Or was he already so crazy that he didn’t know what he was doing or saying?

  Last evening he had made a coked-up impression on her. Most likely, he had already snorted one or two lines this morning.

  That would explain his presumption, his effr
ontery, and his impertinence.

  Just at the thought of having to sit with him in the spa, she began to tremble slightly.

  She couldn’t, and didn’t want to see him anymore, whether in the spa or elsewhere. Her entire chest hurt because of her anger the last few days. It was pain from the torture that she had suffered. It had come to the point that he didn’t inflict only psychic harm, but also concrete physical pain on her.

  She didn’t have the strength any longer to get involved with him and his psycho-games. She was completely finished.

  And under no circumstances would she go to the spa with him.

  What was he thinking?! Did Jason really think that as a reward for his horrible behavior in the last few days he would be allowed to see her naked?

  She wouldn’t respond at first; he should have to wait for his rebuff. Valerie wanted only to regain her inner peace, to find herself again, and not be destroyed by the dreadful pain that threatened to pierce her all the way through.

  This man meant nothing other than the degradation and finally the complete destruction of her person.

  Her tardy text to him said:

  “Your behavior in the last few days has been impossible. I’m no longer interested in doing anything with you – I have no desire to see you!”

  It was and probably remained a one-sided love which wasn’t reciprocated, a love that inevitably led to self-destruction. Why did she subject herself to this again and again?

  Was her susceptibility to self-destruction that great? Larger and stronger than reason, which tried to warn her?

  Most probably it wasn’t entirely her fault. At the beginning of their affair she believed that she should make a concerted effort, and try a little harder, to win him for herself completely.

  But over time, the feeling that it really wasn’t up to her, that she would never be able to sway him in her direction, grew ever stronger, no matter what kind of role she tried to play.

  He was simply incapable of love.

  And he also seemed to be a difficult, if not impossible, candidate for therapy.

 

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