by Rachael Wade
“You don’t need to remind me of that.” My jaw flexes and I’m fast like lightning, walking straight to her. My arms come up, wrapping around her waist. I grip the back of her neck and tilt her chin up, bringing her mouth just inches from mine. As I stare down at her, my tongue runs along my bottom lip. I can already taste her. “You remind me all the damn time that you’re not mine. I get it.”
“Then don’t try to wine and dine me.”
“Would it be so bad if I did? What’s the difference? You’re still not committing to me. I’m not tying you down; I’m just asking you to have a meal with me.”
“So you can talk to me about something.” Her gaze drops to my lips and she swallows. I have her.
“There’s something I want to give you. Something I want to do for you. That’s all.” My tongue snakes out and traces along her lip, seeking an entrance. She moans softly, bringing my cock straight to life.
“You already give me something,” she whispers. “I have to go.”
I gently bite her lip, holding her in place. “Come back after your shift. Kylie’s staying with her sister. I need this.” My hand slips beneath her skirt and into her panties, and just as I suspected, she’s already wet for me. “Fuck, what you do to me.”
She tilts her hips slightly and kisses me, but backs away just as quickly, turning for the door. “I’ll see you next time.”
“Tonight. After your shift.”
“Next time.” She winks and exits, and once again I’m standing here alone, wondering where to go from here. I’m stuck in this rut, in this place I have no business being. I make my way to the shower—I need a cold one—and one name keeps spinning on repeat in my mind.
Ryder Jacobson.
***
There’s another whimper, escaping into the darkness around me. I roll over and reach for her, curling her into me, tugging her close. My chest lifts and falls in soft breaths against her naked back. The way her body melds to mine as I spoon her is just so damn wrong. It feels too good, too perfect.
“Hey,” I whisper against her neck, “you’re just dreaming, baby.”
“Ryder,” she mumbles, snuggling closer to me. “I love you.”
The words pierce my gut. The darkness around me grows blacker. I’m freefalling, and the disorientation causes bile to rise in my throat. Tonight’s the first night in days that she’s agreed to meet me at the hotel. She’s taken avoidance to a whole other level, and I don’t like it.
I don’t like it one damn bit.
Tonight’s also the first night she’s ever said those words. I managed to have the talk with her, the one I’d been dreading and craving at the same time. I offered her more, offered to take care of her. Just as I expected, it didn’t go so hot. She left me. But she came back.
Eventually, she always comes back.
“Please don’t leave me,” she says. A soft sob sends a tear running down her cheek—I can feel it, because I’m brushing the hair from her face—and the sound nearly fucking kills me.
“I won’t leave you,” I breathe. “If you want me, I’m yours.” I kiss her temple and suck in a sharp breath. This is too damn much. I have to tell her soon. I have to do something before it’s too late. Before I lose her. By the sounds of it, I’ve already lost her to someone, and all I know about the bastard is his damn name. My time is short, and if I keep going at this rate, the panic will level me.
It already has.
She slowly rolls over and latches onto me, tucking her head beneath my chin. Her breath fans my neck and something in me aches. It’s a deep ache, like a new crater has been formed and filled with scorching lava, roasting me from the inside out. Her lashes flutter against my skin and her shoulders stiffen. “Christian?” She whispers into the dark, and I want to kiss her. All I want to fucking do is kiss her.
“What’s up, baby?”
“Was I just…”
“Hhhmm?”
“Was I just talking in my sleep?”
“No.” The lie stings my lips. “You started crying, though. You okay?”
Quiet stretches between us.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“You need something? I can get you some water or—”
Her mouth tilts up and hits mine. She kisses me hungrily, like she’s never kissed me before. The force behind it knocks me on my ass and switches my mind into overdrive. I dive into her need, dipping my tongue into her mouth and tilting my head, wanting to give her everything I’ve got. Rolling on top of her, I pin her to the mattress, aligning my body with hers as I devour the taste of her lips. She’s grasping frantically at me, clawing at my back. Her nails dig at my skin and it stings like hell, but I don’t even fucking care.
I palm her breasts and she arches into my hand, coaxing a groan from deep in my chest. The Earth tilts and rolls, and the next thing I know, I’m slipping inside of her. It’s so easy, the motion so effortless, we melt into one another like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I begin to move, slowly and precisely, rocking my hips up to meet her wetness.
“Shit,” she stutters into my mouth, pulling back. She breaks our connection, shoving me off of her and leaving me cold. “No condom.”
“Hold up, I have some.” I shift to reach for the lamp on the nightstand, but she’s up and out of bed, shuffling around in the dark. By the time I reach the switch, she already has her clothes in hand. “What are you doing?”
“Leaving.”
“What? Why?” I jump to my feet, eyes darting to the door. My cock is still burning, still glistening with her wetness. I need to be back inside of her. I need her to see me—to really see me.
“Because this was a mistake. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Elise, just slow down. You’re panicking. I’ve never forgotten a rubber, you know that. I’m sorry. Please, just sit back down and relax and I’ll—”
“No!” she cries, dashing for the door. I’ve seen her pissed, seen her cold and indifferent. But I’ve never seen her like this. I chew my lip and saunter helplessly toward the door. “This has been going on too long, now. I can’t see you anymore, Christian. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for you! It’s not good for anyone.”
“If you’ll just slow down and take a deep breath, we can talk about this, Elise. Please, baby.”
“How long do you plan on stringing your wife along, huh? And what about the others? I know there are others.”
“What others?”
“Don’t bullshit me, Christian. Lola. What about Lola? God only knows how many other women there are. Why do you keep doing this? I don’t want to do this anymore!”
Ice coats my skin. How does she know about Lola? “Please call down. Calm down and look at me.” I move in front of her, blocking the exit.
“This is done, okay? Please just let it be done.” Elise pushes at my shoulder, but I don’t budge.
“Is this about before? About me asking you to move in? About telling you I’m ending things with Kylie? Paying for your schooling? I wasn’t trying to trap you, Elise. I just want to give you more. That’s all.”
“But you can’t. You don’t have it to give, even if I’d let you, Christian. You say you’re ending things with Kylie but you’re still together. It doesn’t make sense. None of it makes any sense. We don’t make any sense! Get out of my way.”
“I’m not letting you walk out that door.”
“I’m going to count to five.”
“No, ten. You’re going to give me ten seconds. I deserve ten fucking seconds!”
“Don’t do this. Move. Now.”
“I care about you. I have feelings for you.”
“You’ve told me this. I told you it can’t happen.”
She shoves at my shoulder again, but I’m an anchor. “Let me tell you exactly how I feel.”
“Don’t say it, Christian.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because it isn’t real. You don’t see that, but I do. Whatever you feel? It isn’t fucking re
al. It’s obsession. It’s crazy, reckless obsession. It’s isn’t what you think it is!”
“Don’t tell me what I feel. Don’t you dare fucking do that to me.”
“I’m sorry. But I don’t want this.” Her voice is grave. It cuts me to the bone. “I’m not your dirty, filthy girl. Not anymore. This is over.”
The words aren’t any different. She’s said them all before. Yet this time, my brain seems to register the cold, harsh truth behind them. More than that, it registers the need. She needs this to be over. She needs it to end. And as much as I love her, as much as I want her, as much as I want to fight…I want to give her what she needs more.
“Okay,” I say quietly, finally stepping aside. She watches me for a second, surprise lighting her eyes, but jumps into action a beat later when she realizes she has an out. “Okay,” I whisper again, after she’s gone. I whisper to the night, the only thing I’m left with. The only thing I’m ever left with.
The night.
SEVEN
“Baby, come back over here,” Lola whines from the hotel bed. She’s shamelessly naked, lounging on her stomach. She reaches for me as I stand at the bedside table, putting my watch on. I watch the time obsessively now. It moves at a painfully slow pace since Elise disappeared from my life. She hasn’t completely vanished, of course. I see her around town, see her working at Stella’s. There are a few one-word texts exchanged here and there—mostly on my end—and every once in a while, she actually replies.
But the replies never satiate me. They’re never enough.
“I have to go.” My voice is lifeless and even comes off a little cold, which I admit makes me feel like a bit of a dick, but I just don’t have anything left. Sure, I’ve got my career. Money, luxury, power, all of those things. And Lola is far from the only pussy offered to me on a silver platter. It comes at me from all directions on a weekly basis, but I never take up any of those offers. None of these women do it for me anymore. The only reason I return to Lola is because she’s familiar. And lately, I need familiar.
Familiar is starting to wear on me, though.
“Thanks for a good time,” I add, shrugging my suit jacket on.
Lola’s lips purse and she moves to sit up. She crosses her arms and shoots me a displeased scowl. “I don’t know where you’ve been lately, but it hasn’t been here, with me. If there’s something you need to talk about, I’m a good listener, you know.”
“I know. And I appreciate it.” I bend and press a half-hearted kiss on her cheek, attempting to make at least a small effort. “Maybe next time.”
The room goes quiet.
What seems like minutes pass before Lola finally speaks again. “There won’t be a next time, will there?”
I adjust my belt and breathe deep. I avert my eyes from her expectant stare. “No. No, there won’t.”
Her scowl shifts, revealing a shadow of hurt. “Thought so.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t bother.” She waves dismissively and stands to her feet, grabbing her robe. She wrestles to wrap herself in it and then heads for the balcony slider door, pausing before she opens it to step out. “Good luck, Christian. With everything.”
“You too, Lola. Thanks.”
She nods and gives me a sad smile, then drifts out onto the balcony, closing the slider behind her. I watch her there for a second, watch as she places her hands on the railing and looks out into the evergreen trees. A part of me wonders what I really am to her, and if deep down, she can relate to my own pain.
Maybe we’re all just chasing the Elises of the world.
I shiver from the delayed rush of cool air that slipped in through the slider door. The gray sky dampens my heavy mood and I laugh under my breath as I make my way to the door. So much for Christmas spirit. I’m far from jolly, and the last thing I feel like doing is celebrating alone.
Against all common sense and good judgment, I pluck my phone from my pocket the second I step out into the hotel hall. Scrolling to Elise’s name, my fingers hover over the empty text box.
Hey, baby. I miss you. Be my date to the masked Christmas ball next weekend. It's at 2424 Rosen Drive. You know the place. Where we spent that incredible night…our favorite suite. Please come. There's so much I need to say to you. I don't need you to move in. I just want to see you again. Call me when you have a minute.
I release a nervous breath and shove my phone back in my pocket the minute the text is sent. A chord strikes in me, reverberating deep in my bones. This could be the final push. This text might be the one that drives Elise to the brink, that drives her away from me for good. But I’m willing to take that chance. I’ll do anything to have her in my arms just once more. Maybe it will be enough—enough to lead to one more time. And one more time after that…
Maybe this time she’ll finally wake from sleep and realize my love for her, realize that this Ryder Jacobson guy will never be able to eclipse the light of the sun I carry for her and her alone.
I stride briskly down the hall and wait. For Elise, I’ll always wait.
***
The carpet beneath me is wet. It’s been wet. For how long, I don’t know. I only know that Elise is shaking beside me, slumped over next to me, and I can’t move. My dirty, beautiful angel is borderline catatonic, and I can’t fucking move to comfort her because my limbs are numb. Just like my mind and my heart. I’m responsible. I’m responsible for it all. I brought Elise to the Christmas ball. Brought her back into my world. Kylie has officially lost it, and she’s taken me down with her.
But it’s not me I’m concerned about.
“Elise,” the words float over my lips. They’re detached and crumbling, but they’re there. That’s all that matters. “Elise, can you hear me?” I manage to lift my fingers from the carpet. It brings life back to my limbs. Not much, but enough to shift so that my shoulder is touching hers.
A whisper rattles from her throat, as if it’s trying and failing to climb out. I don’t make it out at first. My hearing is too impaired. But when she whispers again, it all becomes clear. “Ryder.”
She says his name again, and something in me sinks, even though I’m not the least bit surprised. Even after all we’ve been through—the back and forth, the separation, all of it—it was always him. It still is him. Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? She’s slumped here on my bedroom floor after my wife went certifiably insane and almost killed us.
How could I think it would be me she’d cry for?
I stumble to my feet. Everything is dizzy, sending me off balance. I catch myself on the edge of the bed and force myself to rise again. I have to get her up, have to get her to the hospital. Then there’s the police. Shit needs to get done. I need my brain to fucking work. There’s no time for shock, no time for fear, no time for anything. Only Elise.
I crouch down shakily and take her into my arms, pulling her up. Her face is stained with snot and tears, her cheeks so red and swollen from crying it looks as if someone hit her. The ache in my chest intensifies, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I’m gasping for air, sucking it in by the lungful. My mind is telling me to calm the fuck down, to get a grip, but the horror of it all is too real.
I love this girl. And my obsession damn near killed her.
Seconds pass and my breathing is slowly regaining its control. My muscles ache and it hurts to swallow as I say the words, but I push them out anyway. “How do I find Ryder?”
Elise’s head rolls slightly, falling onto my arm. Her lashes flutter and she looks up at me, gaze so agonized I have to look away. “Jacobson. Last name’s Jacobson.”
I don’t let the weight take me. Instead I give into a new surge of adrenaline. I welcome it, because I know I’m going to need it before it runs out again and I’m back on my ass, slumped onto this bedroom floor like wounded prey.
My legs find some strength and my mind some resolve. I scramble over to the closet and pull two shirts and pairs of sweatpants from the drawers. I slide a pair on myself and then he
lp Elise into a pair, propping her arm up around my neck as I guide her to her feet and down the stairs. My head is pounding and the numbness is still tingling, still teasing my skin, but I manage to get us both outside and into my car.
I dig in her purse for her phone and begin scrolling, squinting to focus on the contacts. I wipe at my eyes. My fingers tremble as I find his name. As I press the call button, I hold my breath.
“Elise?” His voice comes on the line, full of caution and leeriness.
I push through the pain. “Is this Ryder?”
“Yeah…who’s this?”
“Name’s Christian. Christian Walker.”
The line goes silent.
“Ryder? Look, this is important. Elise is in some trouble right now and she needs you. She’s…she’s asking for you. Calling your name. I found your number in her phone.”
“She’s in trouble? What kind of trouble—is she safe? What the hell happened?” His voice is frantic now, and I don’t miss the edge of anger in his tone.
“She’s safe. She’s okay. But she’s going to need a doctor, going to need someone with her for the night.” My eyes squeeze shut and I work to swallow the lump in my throat. “She doesn’t want me, she wants you. She needs you. Can you please be here for her?”
“Shit.”
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“Yes. That’s a yes. I can be there. I just need…I need twenty minutes. Where are you? Where is she?” He laughs darkly into the phone. “Never mind. Stupid question.”
“I’m driving her to her apartment right now. I’ve never been there but I have her license here with the address on it. Please just come as soon as you can. I need to get her in bed and then get a nurse and the police over there.”
“What about a hospital? How badly is she hurt?”
“She’s not…it’s not physical.”
“Then why does she need a nurse? What the fuck is going on?”
I forcefully shift into reverse, firing up the GPS. “Just meet me at her place, will you? I’ll take care of everything.” I hang up, not giving him a second to respond. I can’t listen to his voice right now. I sure as hell can’t even think about seeing his face. But right now I have one option, and one option alone, and that is getting Elise to her comfort zone, which includes having Ryder by her side, and then making sure her health is stable.