‘But… but I thought you and Jay weren’t really… together… anymore? I mean… he’s with Kirsty now, isn’t he?’
Sammie made a noise of disgust.
‘Anyway,’ Mark said nastily, ‘he doesn’t ever talk about you anymore.’
Sammie stared down at the ground between her feet. There was a single blade of grass sticking up from a hole in the pavement. She squashed it with her foot.
‘Was it fun?’ she asked Mark.
‘What?’ he asked, ‘was what fun?’
‘When you made up those lies about me sending you pictures of myself.’
‘I… I don’t…’
‘I hope it was fun for you, Mark. Because my baby won’t have a dad because of you doing that.’
‘You did send me a picture.’
Sammie glared at him, then she looked at the ground again.
‘So you’re going to keep it?’ Mark asked bluntly. ‘Because I don’t think—’
‘Why shouldn’t I?’ she demanded. ‘It’s mine. It’s nothing to do with you, or Jay, or anyone else.’
She stood up and started walking towards town again, and Mark continued to follow her.
‘Sammie,’ he said, ‘come on, let’s go back. The bus will be here in a second.’
‘I don’t want to go home.’
‘What are you going to do, just wander round town on your own for hours?’
‘I don’t know.’
Mark gently took her arm and Sammie let him, and he steered her back towards the bus stop.
When they got off in Tatchley they went and sat together in the village green, which was empty despite it being a warm day. A few fat ducks were lying lazily in the grass by the pond, and Sammie was grateful when Mark chose a spot underneath a tree, because the heat was beginning to make her feel faint.
‘Sammie,’ Mark said slowly, ‘there’s nothing wrong with… with not wanting the consequences of a bad decision.’
‘A bad decision?’
‘Well, yeah,’ Mark said, ‘I mean, this was an accident, wasn’t it?’
Sammie closed her eyes for a moment. She’d always tried to be careful with Jay, but the truth was they’d had quite a lot of “accidents”. At least, accidents was what they called them to each other, because it was easier to make it sound like nobody was to blame. The truth was that she always wanted to be careful, but Jay had simply made it too difficult; arguing with her, pressuring her, complaining that condoms ruined sex for him. In the end, keeping him happy had seemed more important than keeping herself safe, so she just took the risk. Despite this, her period had always come, and she thought it would be okay. Until the time when finally it didn’t, and that was a few weeks after the time in the woods. The time that had made her pregnant.
When she didn’t answer, Mark reached out and touched her arm, and she moved away from him.
‘Sammie,’ he said, ‘this was an accident?’
She frowned. What was he talking about? Surely he didn’t think she wanted this.
‘I know… I know you’re angry with me,’ he said gently, ‘but I do care. And I understand if… if you did this because you thought it would make Jay love you.’
‘What?’
‘Having his baby,’ Mark said, ‘you want him to commit to you, and you were scared he would break up with you—’
‘What are you talking about?’ Sammie said. ‘He loved me. He was going to ask me to marry him!’
‘Was.’ Mark said meaningfully. ‘Surely you can see that the best thing to do now is to… to get rid of it. It’s not fair to make him have a baby he doesn’t want.’
Sammie stared at him open-mouthed. ‘Jay… Jay doesn’t even know,’ she said, ‘are you… are you suggesting I get rid of his baby and don’t even tell him?’
‘I… I’ll even come with you,’ Mark said, as though he hadn’t heard her. ‘To the… to the… place.’
‘Why the hell would you do that?’
‘To help you. To put you right again.’
‘Put me right?’ Sammie said, ‘there’s nothing wrong with me!’
‘You’re not… you’re not supposed to use your body the way you have been doing,’ Mark said, ‘don’t you see that?’
Sammie stood up. ‘You’re crazy,’ she said, ‘Jay told me you were a weirdo, you and your family. If you’re so… if you’re all so religious, should you even be going round telling girls to get rid of their babies?’
Mark got up too and grabbed her arm. ‘I’m not religious,’ he said, ‘but I still think what you’ve been doing is wrong, and I care about Jay enough that I would do anything to stop him getting trapped into spending his life with a slut like you because you’ve tricked him into it.’
‘You’re mental,’ Sammie said, ‘you are actually mental.’
‘Tell me I’m wrong,’ Mark said. ‘Why are you in this state? If it’s really not what you want, why are you pregnant?’
Sammie turned to him. ‘You really think it’s that simple?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘You’re not stupid, Sammie. Jay might be, but you’re not. I know you wouldn’t be having a baby unless it was exactly what you wanted.’
Sammie tried to walk away.
‘Tell me I’m wrong,’ he said again. ‘You can’t, can you? You can’t tell me I’m wrong because everything I’ve said is exactly what you’re doing.’
Sammie spun round. ‘You want to know why I’m pregnant, Mark?’ she said. ‘You really want to know?’
‘Yes.’
She stared at him, but she couldn’t find the words.
‘See,’ he said, ‘you can’t deny it. What you’re trying to do to trap Jay is disgusting, Sammie. It’s dishonest, and it’s unfair, and he doesn’t deserve it—’
‘He raped me,’ Sammie said all in a rush, and Mark fell immediately into silence, then he said, ‘what?’
‘That’s how I got pregnant, Mark. It happened because he… because he raped me.’
32
Sammie tried to run back home away from Mark, but he followed her, unable to ignore what she’d said.
‘Sammie!’ he called after her, ‘Sammie, you can’t just say that and run away.’
She didn’t turn back until she reached her house. Mark had followed her right to her door, and reluctantly she let him inside.
‘You’re lucky it’s me you said that to,’ he told her.
‘Wh… what?’
Mark took hold of her arm and she began to feel scared. ‘Jay didn’t rape you, Sammie.’
‘I… I want you to leave.’
‘Jay has only ever done exactly what you want him to.’
‘I don’t understand,’ she said, and Mark’s fingers dug more deeply into her arm. ‘Mark, you’re hurting me,’ she said.
‘You wanted this,’ Mark said, ‘it’s easy now to say you didn’t, but you did. So don’t blame Jay for your problems.’
‘Please,’ Sammie said, ‘please go.’ She felt cold all over. She couldn’t understand why Mark was talking like this, where he’d got these ideas from. Was he really so blinded by his friendship with Jay that he’d say anything to make it her fault and not his?
‘Before you open your mouth to anyone else, perhaps you should remember what Jay said he’d do if you talk,’ Mark said. ‘With your pictures.’
Sammie let out a little cry. She remembered the sound of the twig snapping after Jay had hurt her, the way they’d both thought somebody was there.
‘You… you saw?’ She thought about it, remembering how the branch had only snapped right at the end, how Jay had told Mark to go a while before that, and then she said, ‘you… you watched.’
‘Yes,’ Mark said, ‘I watched you and him together, and you know what, Sammie? There was not a moment, not one moment, when I thought he was doing anything you didn’t deserve.’
Some tears spilt from Sammie’s eyes. She tried to pull her arm away, very aware that she was in the house, on her own, with him.
‘Mark�
��’ she said, ‘Mark, please…’
‘He didn’t listen to you, did he?’ Mark said. ‘You told him it was me who made his mum walk in on you, you told him you only sent me the one picture, and he didn’t believe you.’
‘Mark—’
He squeezed her arm harder. ‘When it comes down to it, he’ll always believe me.’
‘Please,’ Sammie said, ‘let go of me. Please.’
He did as she asked, and she saw him take in her look of fear, the way she backed away from him. ‘What?’ he said, ‘you think I’m going to do something to you? I have more respect for myself.’
To Sammie’s relief he walked away from her, and once he was out of the door Sammie locked it behind him in a panic, then she sank down to the floor and started to cry in massive, terrified sobs.
For the next few hours Sammie lay in bed. At one point she even slept a little, but she had bad dreams and woke up cold and sweating. Then, hesitantly, she picked up her phone and sent a text to Jay.
I need 2 tlk 2 u
He didn’t text back for hours, and when he did, his message was cruel.
Got ur message earlier but i was busy fucking kirsty.
Sammie stroked her little bump and took a few deep breaths.
R u and her serious then?
He replied far more quickly this time.
Didn’t realise til i got wiv her how crap u really were. I shagged her 4 times earlier. shes not a frigid bitch like u
Sammie threw her phone down in disgust. Then, slowly, she picked it up and read the messages from him again. Something about them just didn’t seem right. She could well believe that Jay could have had sex with Kirsty four times in an afternoon, because he’d done the same with her on a few occasions, but it was clearly calculated to hurt her. He was trying to say he’d done the same with Kirsty as he had with her – that what they’d done wasn’t special. In fact, in his disgusting, lurid messages Sammie began to see another meaning – that he wasn’t interested in Kirsty at all, and that his only interest was in making Sammie jealous. And Sammie realised something else. If that was true, and she played things right, perhaps she could get him to understand about Mark’s lies, and get him to want her again, and her little baby might be able to have a dad.
33
The next day all three of them had a Maths exam, and afterwards Jay made a great show of making out with Kirsty, but Sammie ignored them. Even when he came up to her and Mark and said he was going into town with Kirsty, Sammie just shrugged and let them go off together.
When she got home, she sat on her bed and put her hand on her stomach. ‘He still loves me, baby,’ she told her little bump, ‘and he’ll love you too, you’ll see.’
She took her school uniform off and got changed into a loose t-shirt that hid her bump, and her short denim skirt. She waited a little while, hoping it would give Jay enough time to get home, and then she set out to go and see him.
‘Did you have a nice time with Kirsty?’ she asked when he opened the door.
‘What’s it to you?’
Sammie stepped inside and Jay let her, but she felt overwhelmed, and had no idea how to tell him about the baby.
‘Sammie,’ Jay said, ‘what do you want?’
‘Can we… can we talk?’
‘I’ve got nothing to say.’
‘Well, I have something I’d like to say to you,’ she told him, ‘could we… could we go upstairs? And talk in your room?’
She was worried he’d refuse, but without a word he turned and led the way upstairs, and she followed him. When she went inside, she was surprised to see her necklace was out on his bedside table, as though he’d been looking at it.
‘I… I miss my necklace,’ she said, pointing at it. ‘I still reach up to touch it sometimes, then I remember it’s not there anymore.’
Jay opened a drawer and dropped the necklace into it. ‘You can’t have it back,’ he said.
‘I know,’ Sammie said, ‘it’s broken, anyway, isn’t it?’
‘I was going to fix it,’ Jay said, ‘and give it to Kirsty.’
Sammie felt a pain in her chest and swallowed hard. ‘You… you don’t really like her though, do you?’
‘She’s alright.’
Sammie took a few deep breaths. She could tell Jay was impatient.
‘There… there isn’t any easy way of saying this,’ she told him, ‘so I’m just going to try to say it.’
Jay waited without encouraging her.
‘Jay… I… I’m…’ she gave up, and her eyes stung with tears. She sat down on his bed and lifted her t-shirt up to show him her bump, but he stared at it uncomprehending. ‘It… it’s a… it’s a baby, Jay,’ she said, ‘I’m pregnant.’
She didn’t even see his reaction because she started to cry. She let her t-shirt fall back down over her stomach and cried into her lap. He didn’t do anything for so long she began to think all was lost, and that she’d misjudged the texts he’d sent her. Perhaps he had never been meaning to make her jealous; perhaps he had only been trying to hurt her because he hated her now. She put a hand on her stomach and tried to calm down. Then, to her astonishment and relief, Jay sat down next to her and gently put his hand over the back of hers, and the flood of emotions she felt made her cry even harder.
‘Was it… was it from that time… in the woods?’ Jay asked her quietly.
She nodded, and Jay took his hand away and put his arms around her instead. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know I didn’t mean to hurt you, don’t you?’
Sammie nodded again.
‘The thought of you sending pictures to Mark, going behind my back like that. I’ve never been so angry, Sammie. I don’t ever want to be as angry as that again.’
‘Mark… lied,’ she said.
‘Sammie, please, just tell me the truth.’
‘I am.’
Jay let go of her and looked down at her tummy. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ he said. ‘You must have known for… for months.’
‘Three months,’ Sammie said, ‘roughly.’
‘I wanted to speak to you,’ he said, ‘I’ve missed you. But Mark… Mark said you weren’t right for me and that I should forget about you.’
‘Mark doesn’t want us to be together,’ Sammie said, ‘yesterday… yesterday I had an exam with him. I accidently… let it slip to him that I’m pregnant, and he thought I shouldn’t even tell you. He said I should get rid of it. He even offered to come with me, he was so determined I should do it.’
‘Are you… are you sure? Is that really what he said?’
‘Yes,’ Sammie said, ‘he told me that I’m a slut and that I’m no good for you. He even accused me of getting pregnant on purpose.’
Jay’s face grew hard and Sammie could see that finally he believed her. ‘He’s been going on at me for months,’ he said, ‘saying stuff about you. I thought… I thought he was trying to look out for me.’
‘He isn’t,’ Sammie said, ‘he just… he just hates me. I never sent him pictures, Jay. I don’t even like him, I don’t want him to see my body.’
‘I… I was going to let him touch you,’ Jay said softly.
‘It’s alright,’ Sammie said. ‘I understand. I do.’
‘No, I… I hurt you. I really hurt you.’
‘Jay, it… it’s okay,’ Sammie said with difficulty. ‘I… I forgive you.’
Jay stared at her. ‘I’ll kill him,’ he said.
‘Jay, no,’
‘I will,’ he said, ‘I’ll fucking kill him.’
Sammie grabbed his hand. ‘Listen to me,’ she said, ‘forget about him. We know now. We both know what he’s done, and we’re not going to let him hurt us anymore.’
‘You think we should let him get away with it?’
‘No, I think… I think we should just leave. Let’s run away, like you wanted to before. We can leave and get married. I… I have some savings. My parents set up an account for me, it’s supposed to be
for me to use for university and maybe putting towards a house one day. If you still wanted to run away and have a wedding, I could take all the money.’
‘How much money?’ Jay asked.
‘Tens of thousands of pounds.’
Jay’s eyes widened. ‘Fuck me,’ he said.
‘We could use it to get somewhere to live,’ Sammie said, ‘and it could tide us over until we got jobs. We wouldn’t have to worry.’
‘I don’t care whether you have any money,’ Jay said, ‘when I was thinking of asking you to marry me, I would have gone anywhere with you, even if we had to sleep on the street.’
‘You… you mean it?’
‘Yes,’ Jay said, ‘Sammie, I love you. That… that’s why I got so angry. You know that, don’t you? The thought of losing you made me so crazy I didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘Then let’s go,’ Sammie said urgently. ‘Tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’
‘Why not? All we need to do is pack. We can do that, can’t we?’
‘I… yeah,’ Jay said, ‘yeah, we can do that.’ He smiled at her. ‘I can’t believe you’re going to have my baby,’ he said.
‘You’re not… you’re not upset?’
‘No,’ Jay said, ‘I’m not upset at all. I think it’s amazing. And Sammie…’
‘Yeah?’
‘I never had sex with Kirsty.’
34
They made arrangements to meet late morning the next day. They would go into town and Sammie would withdraw all her savings – or as much of them as she could – then they would get on a train. Sammie started to pack as soon as she got home. It was hard work thinking about what she needed to take because her mind felt woolly and foggy, she was exhausted in a way she’d never been before and there was a churning in her stomach that was nagging and constant. By about seven in the evening she thought she was ready. She’d packed some clothes and toiletries, her passport and other documents she thought she might need in the future, and a couple of sentimental bits and bobs – a picture of Alfie and a card he’d made her, and a bracelet her parents had given her on her twelfth birthday, not long before Alfie had died. She hid the bags inside her wardrobe so her mum wouldn’t see them, and then sat down to write a note to her parents. She struggled to begin with, but in the end kept it very simple.
Anything for Him Page 15