‘What’s wrong with you?’ he asked when I came out a good fifteen or twenty minutes later.
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ I said unconvincingly, ‘I feel a bit tired, that’s all.’
With a quick glance around to check we weren’t being observed he pulled me further down the corridor, away from where there might be people going back and forth and he pressed me against the wall.
‘I’ve got a little surprise for you, Fliss,’ he said.
I didn’t answer, and he carried on. ‘I was going to take you away to our new home tomorrow,’ he said, ‘but now I’m thinking, why wait?’ He leaned close to me, ‘I’m going to take you there tonight. Right now. Although actually, first, I think it’s about time we ended our plan with Mark.’
…
It was about a two and a half hour drive back to Coalton, and when we got to the flat Jay started packing some bags. By the time he was done it was about two a.m.
‘We won’t take much,’ he said, ‘we’ll buy everything we need when we get there.’
‘Where…’ I whispered, ‘where are we going?’
‘You’ll like it,’ he said.
He kept me by his side as he packed, and followed close beside me as we walked out to his van. My heart was pounding, but at the same time I kept reminding myself that he was taking me to Mark, and that was my chance to get away. Once I got to Mark’s I could try to explain what was happening, and maybe the two of us could make a run for it. Even with Jay parked outside in his van, we had the element of surprise on our side – perhaps we could run out to Mark’s car and get away without Jay catching us. I kept this thought in my mind as Jay drove us over there. There was no question of me failing. Whatever happened, I had to get away with Mark.
Outside Mark’s house I sat quietly by Jay’s side in the van as he outlined what he wanted me to do.
‘Take your phone,’ he said, holding it out to me, ‘and call me just before you get inside so I can listen. I want to hear you tell him it’s over. I want you to say you never cared for him, that you’ve been sleeping with someone else, and I want to hear his reaction.’
I nodded, but I felt afraid. Within seconds of me entering Mark’s flat I knew the conversation wouldn’t go as Jay expected.
‘If you do this right, everything will be okay,’ he said. He touched my hair. ‘The house I’ve found… it’s a bit of a mess but it’s in a beautiful place in the countryside. I know you’ll love it.’
I took my phone from him.
‘Flissie,’ he said, ‘don’t even think about using this to call anyone except me.’
I nodded again, and he lifted my chin with his hand.
‘You’re everything to me, Fliss,’ he said.
I swallowed painfully.
‘I’ll see you in a few minutes,’ he told me.
I called him as I walked up to Mark’s front door, and slipped the phone back in my pocket with the call still connected. Mark took a little while to answer, and when he did his hair was all sticking up and he was wearing shorts and a scruffy t-shirt that was obviously what he’d had on in bed.
‘Fliss,’ he said, immediately alert, ‘what is it, what’s going—’
I quickly put my finger over my lips, and thankfully he took the hint and shut up. I brushed past him down the hall to his living room, where I noticed a few bags were packed and ready to go.
‘I have something to tell you,’ I said.
I looked round at him and he was frowning. He looked like he was about to speak, and I shook my head.
Once we were in the living room, I picked up a pen from the coffee table and Mark seemed to understand what I needed and grabbed an electric bill from a pile of post, turning it over so I could write on the back of it.
Jason is listening, I wrote. Play along.
‘Mark,’ I said, ‘I… I don’t want to see you anymore.’
Mark sat down next to me. I could see from his face that he had no idea how to react or what to do.
‘I… I don’t understand,’ he said eventually.
I took a few deep breaths. I knew we were making such a mess of the conversation that Jay probably already suspected, so I quickly took out my phone, ended the call and spoke very quickly to Mark.
‘That was him on the phone,’ I said, ‘he was listening. I was supposed to split up with you, so now he already knows something is wrong. He is outside in his van. We need to leave.’
38
We had little choice but to make a dash for it out of the front door and to Mark’s car. There was no other way out of the flat apart from through a window, and even if we did that we’d have to climb over a fence out of the garden and God knows what we’d do then. Jay was parked a reasonable distance from the flat, whereas Mark’s car was right outside – we could get to it in seconds.
I’d never run so fast in my life as I did from Mark’s front door round to the passenger side of his car, but then I found myself standing helplessly pulling at the handle, waiting for him to unlock it and let me in.
‘Mark!’ I screamed, ‘Mark, open the car, open the car!’
But he didn’t. He was stood, completely still, by the driver’s side. The key in his hand was held out towards the lock, but he was staring at something down the pavement. ‘Mark!’ I screamed again, ‘Mark, we’ve got to go!’
I was nearly hysterical. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with him, and I yanked helplessly at the handle while he stood there, transfixed by something. Finally, I looked round towards whatever it was that had drawn his attention, and I realised immediately what the problem was. There on the pavement, not more than ten metres from us, was Jay.
‘Mark,’ I said, almost sobbing, ‘Mark, please. We have to go—’
‘Jay,’ Mark said in wonder.
‘Yes. It’s Jay,’ I said. ‘I’ll explain, I’ll explain everything, please, please…’
Mark lowered his hand and the car keys. ‘He… he followed me here,’ he said. ‘He followed me to Coalton. He found me.’ He started to move away from the car, and took a step towards Jay. ‘No!’ I said, ‘we have to go! Now!’
Mark walked towards Jay as though he was in a trance. Then, abruptly, he stopped and turned to me. ‘What’s he doing here?’ he asked, ‘how do you know him?’
I stared at him. ‘He… he’s Jason!’ I said.
‘He… what?’
‘Jason is Jay,’ I said, ‘it was… it was all a plan, he wanted me to hurt you…’ I couldn’t think how to explain and I gave up. Mark looked from me back to Jay. ‘Jay,’ he said, ‘is that… is that true?’
Jay looked levelly at Mark for a while, but he didn’t answer him. Then he made a dash towards me.
…
Mark was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that he made no move to stop Jay. He watched as I tried to run but Jay grabbed me and put his hand over my mouth. ‘I’m taking her now,’ he said to Mark.
‘I… I don’t… understand,’ Mark said.
‘She’s mine,’ Jay said, ‘and I’m taking her.’
Everything that was happening was too much for Mark to take in. He watched silently as Jay began to drag me towards the van, and although I screamed against Jay’s hand Mark seemed paralysed with shock and confusion for so long that I was almost in the van before he did anything.
‘You… you can’t take her,’ Mark said finally. ‘She doesn’t want to go with you.’
‘She doesn’t know what she wants,’ Jay said.
‘Jay,’ Mark said gently, ‘I think she does. Let her go.’
‘What, so you can have her?’
Mark stared at Jay and then he nodded. ‘I understand,’ he said, ‘I understand why you’re doing this. But Felicity… Felicity isn’t Sammie.’
At this, Jay flipped. He threw me towards the van, and I hit it and fell to the ground. ‘You think I don’t know that!’ he yelled at Mark, ‘look at her! Does she look like Sammie to you?’ He grabbed Mark and made him look at me, as I struggled to pull mys
elf to my feet. ‘Look at her!’ he said again, ‘she’s a piece of crap.’
He kicked me just as I was getting to my knees and I fell again.
‘That’s the best I can do now,’ he told Mark, ‘this,’ he aimed another kick at me, ‘is the best that I can get.’
As if this admission suddenly unlocked a whole new well of hatred for me Jay started to kick me repeatedly, in my stomach, my chest, my hips. Things began to go fuzzy, but I heard Mark shout at Jay to stop. ‘You’re killing her!’ he said desperately.
‘Good,’ I heard Jay say, seemingly from a great distance. I felt another blow and Mark grabbed hold of Jay to try to stop him. Just before I passed out I heard one more thing; Jay’s voice, harsh and cold. ‘Let me take her,’ he said, ‘let me take her, or I will kill her right here in front of you.’
…
I woke some indeterminate amount of time later. At first I thought I’d gone blind, because everything was black. Then I realised there were strange sounds; rumbling, like an engine, and I was pressed up with bags and boxes all around me, bouncing against a hard floor. I moaned loudly in my throat, as I couldn’t open my mouth. It was covered with something that felt like tape. Somewhere nearby I could hear the fuzzy sounds of a radio, and there was no response to my moan. I tried to move my arms but I couldn’t, and after several attempts I realised they were joined together at the wrists, and the same was true of my ankles. I was just trying to process this and what it meant but I didn’t get very far before I fell unconscious again. The only thing I did manage to understand was that I was in the back of Jay’s van, and we were on our way to our new home.
PART 4
Felicity
10 MONTHS LATER
39
When Jay got back from work, he was in a good mood. He was often in a good mood these days, and as usual he came straight upstairs to the bedroom, where I sat up in bed waiting.
‘You’ll never guess what I saw on the way home,’ he announced.
‘What?’
‘It was this fucking massive bird,’ he said. He held his hands out to emphasise its size. ‘It was just swooping across the fields, I’ve never seen anything like it.’
He sat down on the bed and I smiled at him. ‘What sort of bird was it?’
‘God knows,’ he said, ‘it was awesome though.’
I shuffled closer to him. I found it funny how much he seemed to like being back in the countryside. He always seemed like somebody who would prefer the cleaner and less muddy life of a city. ‘Jay, I need some new clothes,’ I said.
He looked at me. ‘Yeah,’ he agreed, ‘you’re getting pretty big. I’ll pick some up for you tomorrow.’
He put his hand on my bump, and then he lay down beside me so that his head was near it and just looked at it for a while.
‘We should probably start getting some stuff for the baby, as well,’ I said.
‘I’ll go shopping at the weekend.’
He stroked my bump gently and then he closed his eyes. I let him rest for a moment. I knew he enjoyed these first few minutes of getting home and being close to me and the baby.
‘Jay,’ I said, ‘I’d like to be involved in choosing the clothes and the baby things.’
He thought about it. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘after dinner I’ll get my laptop and we can pick out some things together, then I’ll go and buy it when I get a chance.’
He sat up beside me. ‘Felicity, you are happy aren’t you?’ he asked, ‘I give you everything you need? You must tell me whenever you want anything.’
‘I just did.’
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘but I mean anything. I don’t want you to be sad. I never did this to make you miserable.’
‘I know.’
He kissed me on the forehead and stood up. ‘I’ll make you some dinner,’ he said.
When he came back upstairs a little while later he gave me a bowl of chicken and vegetable stir fry and sat beside me in the bed with his own portion. We ate together quietly, and then he sat with me while I looked at clothes and baby things on his laptop.
‘I like this,’ he said, after a few minutes.
‘You like what?’
‘This,’ he said, ‘us looking at stuff together. It’s nice.’
‘Well, we need to start getting things sorted,’ I said, ‘it’s only a couple of months until the baby will be here.’
I put the laptop down. ‘Jay, can we talk about what happens when the baby comes?’
‘No,’ he said, his mood immediately darkening. ‘We’ve had this conversation.’
‘Jay—’
‘No,’ he said.
He took the laptop away from me and went downstairs with our bowls from dinner balanced on top of it. ‘I’ll clear up,’ he said, ‘and then we’ll get you washed and ready for bed.’
I waited patiently for him to come back. Getting bathed was a palaver. First of all he had to undo the chain that looped through the set of handcuffs to release my left wrist from the headboard in the bedroom. Then I would take all of my clothes off and he’d lead me to the bathroom where he’d watch me brush my teeth and then I’d get in the bath and kneel while he washed me with the shower attachment. Some days, and today was apparently one of those days, he would run me a bath so I could have a more relaxing experience. I lay in the bubbles for a while, and then I decided I would have to try talking to him again. ‘Jay,’ I said.
‘Mm?’
‘We have to discuss what happens when the baby is due —’
‘No, we don’t,’ he said. ‘I told you earlier. Just leave it Fliss.’
He picked up a bottle of shampoo and handed it to me. ‘Give your hair a wash,’ he said.
I did as he asked, and then he rinsed it clean for me. ‘How have you felt today?’ he asked me, ‘you were having some pains this morning, weren’t you?’
I put my hand on my bump. ‘They were just little twinges,’ I said, ‘they stopped not long after you left for work.’
‘Good.’ He looked me over. ‘I’ll do your eyebrows,’ he said.
He got some tweezers, and I closed my eyes as he started plucking at the hairs. He’d looked up on the internet how to do it, as he didn’t trust me with any sharp objects, but apparently he couldn’t bear for me to look un-groomed either.
Strangely enough, as I lay with him gently tweezing my eyebrow hairs, I realised he liked doing it. I could tell he was fairly calm and relaxed, concentrating on his task.
‘Jay,’ I said quietly, ‘are you happy?’
He stopped tweezing and I opened my eyes. ‘Do you really like living like this, with me?’ I asked.
Jay lowered the tweezers back towards my face. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I told you that earlier, didn’t I?’
‘I know, but… isn’t it a lot of hard work?’
I knew already that it was. Every morning he had to get up, get himself ready for work, make me breakfast, and bring some food up for me to eat for lunch later on, then untie me and supervise me while I changed out of my nightwear into some clean clothes, tie me back up again, do a full shift of deliveries, then come home and do the cooking, cleaning, housework, and supervise me as I got washed, sort out the bucket on the bedroom floor that served as my bathroom, then go to bed and start out all over again the next day. Added to that, he still sometimes went out running, and he was trying to do up the house.
Jay didn’t really speak about our practical or financial situation, but I understood that he wasn’t being charged much rent for the house we lived in because it was in such a poor state of repair. The landlord was apparently hoping we’d do the place up in exchange for paying him so little, though he never checked whether any work was being carried out and was apparently quite happy to ignore us and leave us to it. I wasn’t even sure whether he was aware I existed; for all I knew Jay may have told him he intended to live in the house alone. In any case, some evenings, and at the weekend, Jay would makes attempts at DIY – some more successful than others. It was rare I was
allowed to venture anywhere except the upstairs bedroom and bathroom, but I had been downstairs on a few occasions under close supervision and seen the woodchip walls in the lounge, the brown seventies tiles in the kitchen and the general air of tired decrepitude, and I knew it got Jay down.
Jay didn’t seem like he was going to answer my question, so I asked him again. ‘Don’t you get tired?’ I asked, ‘of how much you have to do all the time?’
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I get tired.’
‘Don’t you… don’t you sometimes wish—’
Jay threw the tweezers down on the floor. ‘Don’t even say it!’ he said, ‘don’t you even say it.’
‘Say what?’
Jay eyed me suspiciously. ‘You were going to ask me if I wished it wasn’t like this, or that it didn’t have to be this way.’
‘Was I?’
‘You know this isn’t what I want, but you don’t give me any choice.’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘I know, I’m sorry… I just… I worry how exhausted you might get.’
‘Don’t worry about that,’ Jay said, ‘I want to look after you. I’ll always look after you.’
40
The next day was a Saturday, and Jay worked in the morning before arriving home mid afternoon with groceries, and on this occasion, some clothes for me and a few of the baby things I’d chosen; a flat-packed cot and some curtains and other bits for the nursery. He came upstairs and showed me everything and then he stroked my hair and gave me a quick kiss. ‘I’ve had an idea,’ he said.
Anything for Him Page 17