When he found us in the bedroom, Jay didn’t even look at Mark or comment on his presence. He was holding a container in his hand; the sort you’d carry chemicals in, or fuel, and I didn’t understand what it meant until without a second thought he opened it and started sloshing it over my body. I tried to dodge out of the way but I couldn’t get very far from the bed, and though I threw myself onto the floor my left arm was still stretched up towards the headboard, and petrol dripped from my hair and soaked into my clothes.
Mark hurled himself at Jay to try to stop him, but Jay shoved him aside and took out a box of matches.
‘Jay,’ Mark said slowly, ‘don’t do this.’
Jay still ignored him, stepping over to where I lay crouched and shaking on the floor, and he stood over me.
‘I really thought we could make this work, Flissie,’ he said.
‘We can,’ I sobbed, ‘just don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me.’
‘Jay,’ Mark said firmly. ‘You don’t have to do this.’
‘Don’t I?’ he said, turning to him, ‘why, what do you suggest I do? Let her go so she can be with you? So that you can bring up my baby? So that you can take her away from me, just like you did with Sammie?’
Mark spoke very calmly. ‘I never took Sammie away from you,’ he said, ‘I’ve told you that over and over. I didn’t love Sammie.’
Jay pointed at me. ‘What about her?’ he asked. ‘Do you love her?’
‘I love Felicity,’ Mark said, ‘but Felicity isn’t Sammie. Look at her, Jay. Look how scared she is.’
Jay looked at me, and smiled. Slowly, he slid open the box of matches.
‘I’m the one you’re really angry at,’ Mark said, ‘not her. She’s going to have your baby. You don’t want to hurt her.’
Ignoring him, Jay selected a match, and held it against the strip on the side of the box.
‘Sammie didn’t enjoy it,’ Mark said desperately, and Jay turned to him. ‘What me and her did together – she didn’t like it. She only did it because she was scared, and alone. And Felicity only ever started having sex with me because she was trying to make you happy. That’s how much she cares for you, Jay. For you. Not me.’
Jay considered this. ‘Why would you say that?’ he asked finally. ‘Why would anyone ever say that, unless they were saying anything they could think of to save somebody’s life?’
Without further hesitation, he swiped the match against the side of the box, and it burst into flame.
49
I screamed, and he faltered. Only for a second, but it gave Mark enough time to come up behind him and simply blow out the flame, and snatch the box of matches from his hand. Jay didn’t even try to stop him. He fell to his knees on the floor by my side, and he started to cry.
I watched him in astonishment for a while, taking great gulps of air and thanking God that I was still alive, while to my even greater astonishment, Mark knelt down beside Jay and put his arms around him.
‘It’s alright,’ Mark said, stroking Jay’s back. ‘We’re going to sort this out. It’s alright.’
‘Why did you do it?’ Jay asked shakily, ‘why did you do it to me?’
‘I don’t know,’ Mark said, ‘I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so sorry.’
They stayed kneeling together like that for a long time, until Mark let go of Jay and talked to him slowly, gently.
‘Where are the keys, Jay?’
‘What keys?’
‘For Felicity. We need to let her go.’
Without resistance, Jay reached into his pocket, and handed Mark his key ring, on which the small handcuff key dangled. Mark stood up and set me free, while Jay stayed on the floor with his face in his hands.
‘Go and wash the petrol off,’ Mark told me, ‘I’ll deal with Jay.’
I ran into the bathroom, stripping my clothes off on the bathmat and shaking as I cleaned myself with water so hot it burned. I shampooed my hair three times and sluiced the petrol from my skin. It became too much to stay stood up so I dropped to my knees in the bath and tried to take slow, calming breaths. Instead I just started to retch, and I felt like I was going to collapse. I was still in this state when Mark knocked on the door and then came in to check on me.
‘It’s over,’ he said, reaching across to turn the shower off. ‘Jay’s not going to hurt you anymore.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ve talked to him. He’s going to leave you alone.’
‘And you believe him?’
Mark handed me a towel, then he sat on the edge of the bath while I stood up and dried myself.
‘Felicity, you remember I told you where we are.’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m going to take Jay to Sammie’s grave now. I’m going to try to help him say goodbye to her properly.’
I didn’t answer, and Mark continued. ‘I… I want you to come with us.’
‘No,’ I said, ‘why would I…’
‘Let me look after you,’ Mark said. ‘Not forever, if you don’t want to, but you can stay with me until you get yourself sorted.’ He reached out to my face. ‘I… I really do love you, you know,’ he said.
I looked at him, and then I nodded.
I stepped out of the bath, feeling strange and hollow. Mark went back into the bedroom, but I thought twice about following. I needed some clean clothes and that’s where they were, but I didn’t want to see Jay. I didn’t want to put myself at any further risk from him. Tentatively, I left the bathroom and peeked around the bedroom door, where I saw Mark helping Jay unsteadily to his feet. He seemed dazed. He let Mark lead him out of the room straight past me, so I went inside and found myself something to wear. They were waiting by the door as I came downstairs, and I followed after them as they left, amazed at what an odd pair they looked – Mark encouraging Jay along like he was a child.
For the whole journey I followed several paces behind them, my hand on my bump. At one point Mark stopped and came to speak to me. ‘It’ll be over soon, Felicity,’ he said. ‘After this, I’ll take you away from here.’
I nodded, and when he started walking again I continued to follow them. I felt like a sort of strange, dazed, shuffling creature, blinking in the sunlight. Jay didn’t look at me once.
We didn’t stop again until we were in a little clearing in the thick of the woods, way off the well-trodden paths, and though to me it didn’t look much different to anywhere else, it was clear from the look on both men’s faces that we’d arrived, though how they each reacted was in stark contrast. While Mark looked solemn, and serious, but still self-contained, Jay went to pieces. His face turned a sickly white and his steps slowed to the point where it looked like it was an intense physical effort to make his body move. He was visibly shaking. I didn’t think I’d ever seen anybody in such a state of horror. He dropped to his knees in front of a big dead tree trunk, furry with moss and draped in mustard yellow fungus.
‘Is that…’ I whispered to Mark, ‘is that where… she…’
Mark nodded.
Jay placed one hand flat on the earth in front of him, and for a second I thought he really was going to say goodbye. But then he was suddenly on his feet.
‘Why did you bring me here?’ he asked Mark.
Mark stepped towards him. ‘Jay,’ he said softly, ‘it’s over. You need to accept she’s gone, and let Felicity go.’
Jay looked at me. ‘She means nothing to me,’ he said, ‘you’re welcome to her.’
Mark tried to touch Jay’s arm but he stepped away from him. ‘She means nothing to me,’ he said again, ‘she never did. None of them… none of them ever do.’
‘Jay,’ Mark said, ‘Let’s… let’s say goodbye to Sammie now. We can do it together.’
Mark helped Jay to kneel down on the ground again, and he was about to speak but before he could get any words out Jay began to cry.
‘You… you wouldn’t even let me dress her,’ Jay said. ‘You wouldn’t even let her have her dressing gown on. She… she wouldn’t have w
anted to be almost naked. And the blood, the blood, on her legs…’
Mark glanced round at me, then turned back to Jay. ‘There was no time,’ Mark said quietly, ‘it was too difficult to get her in the sleeping bag with a dressing gown on—’
‘Didn’t you care?’ Jay said, ‘don’t you care that she… that she’s cold? That the… that the baby—’
‘Listen to me,’ Mark said harshly, ‘she’s gone. You killed her, Jay. She’s dead. She doesn’t feel cold, she doesn’t feel anything.’ His voice softened a little. ‘But she’s at peace now.’
Jay began to cry more heavily, and Mark sat with him for a while, but he showed no signs of stopping, so Mark got to his feet and came back over to me.
‘Let’s leave him be,’ he said quietly.
…
Mark led me away from the sound of Jay’s sobs and into the trees.
‘I know it’s a shock,’ Mark said, ‘are you okay?’
‘Yes,’ I said, untruthfully.
‘Here,’ Mark said, ‘let’s rest here a moment. You look tired.’
I nodded, and leant against a tree, while Mark took his jacket off and laid it on the ground.
‘Sit down,’ he said.
I did as he asked, and he sat beside me and put his hand briefly over mine. ‘I’m sorry, Felicity,’ he said. ‘You didn’t deserve all this.’
‘You have to tell the police,’ I said. ‘I know… I know you’d get in trouble too, but all you did was hide the body, you didn’t hurt her, and if you come clean now, I’m sure they—’
‘I can’t, Felicity.’
‘But don’t you think Sammie’s parents deserve to know the truth?’
Mark watched me for a while, then he reached his hand towards my face, and brushed some hair out of my eye. ‘I do love you, you know,’ he said, ‘in a way, at least.’
I frowned. ‘What are you—’
Before I could finish my sentence, Mark’s hand was over my mouth and he was pinching my nostrils closed. I struggled against him and made noises in my throat, but he pushed me down onto the ground and knelt over me, continuing to stop me breathing. My feet scrabbled uselessly in the dirt, and I grabbed his arms to try to push him away from me, but he simply stared down at me, pressing my mouth and nose as hard as he could, his face completely empty of emotion.
50
All of a sudden, Mark was being pulled away from me, and I saw Jay’s face, contorted with anger and confusion.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ he shouted at Mark, while I lay gasping for breath.
‘She was… she would have told—’
‘She’s pregnant with my child!’ Jay said, ‘you were going to kill her—’
‘So were you!’ Mark said, ‘you were going to burn her.’
Jay stepped up close to Mark. ‘That’s different,’ he said, ‘she’s my girlfriend. I can do what the fuck I want with her, but she is nothing to do with you.’
Mark looked down at me. ‘You said you didn’t want her,’ he said. ‘You said she was nothing to you.’
‘And why do you think I have to say that?’ Jay said.
‘I… I don’t—’
‘Because of you! Because as soon as something is important to me, you’ll want to take it.’
‘That’s not true,’ Mark said, ‘I care about you. I don’t want to take things from you.’
‘No!’ Jay said, ‘you knew I loved Sammie and you took her away from me. You took her away from me deliberately because you wanted her for yourself, when you already had everything I ever wanted. A family, friends—’
‘No—’
‘Why did you have to do that to me?’ Jay shouted, ‘why did you have to decide that you loved her too?’ His eyes were fixed on Mark, and I started to get up from the ground but then I stopped, scared. If either of them saw me I knew they wouldn’t let me get away.
Mark seemed like he wanted to speak but couldn’t bring himself to, and Jay gave him a shove.
‘Why?’ he shouted at him again, ‘why did you do it to me? Why did you have to love her?’
‘I didn’t love her!’ Mark shouted back, ‘I wasn’t in love with her; I was in love with you!’
…
The words hung in the air. Jay stood, rigid with disbelief, staring at Mark. He stayed this way so long that Mark took a step towards him. Jay still didn’t move, and slowly Mark began to reach out his hand towards Jay’s face. Jay remained frozen with incomprehension right up to the second that Mark’s fingers brushed his cheek, then he twisted away from him. ‘What?’ he said, ‘you… what?’
‘I loved you, Jay,’ Mark said, ‘I still love you.’
Jay staggered back several paces from Mark. ‘No,’ he said, ‘no, you don’t.’
‘I do,’ Mark said. ‘I did it all for you, Jay. Everything—’
‘Why… why did you… why did you sleep with her then? With Sammie—’
Mark smiled. ‘I never slept with her.’
‘You told… you told me—’
‘Because she wasn’t a nice girl, Jay. You weren’t even interested in girls before she came along—’
‘Yes, I was,’ Jay said, ‘of course I was—’
‘You didn’t talk about them.’
‘No,’ Jay said, ‘because you weren’t interested in hearing about them—’ he stopped and stared at Mark. ‘And now I know why,’ he said, and he looked disgusted.
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Mark said, ‘any of it. She corrupted you. And me. I had to show you what she was like. She didn’t love you properly Jay, not like I did, but you were so obsessed with her I had to prove it. I had to stop you making a mistake that would ruin your life. I mean, what did she ever do for you? Was she the one who was there for you year after year after year, through all the stuff with your mum and dad, all the times you got in fights at school? Was she the one who saw you crying sometimes, because you felt so alone and you thought nobody was there for you? I was the one who was there, and I was the one who was still there, after her, to try to pick up the pieces.’
‘You… you did all of it,’ Jay said, ‘you lied about her sending pictures, you tricked… you tricked her…’
‘Yes, and it didn’t take much to get you to believe me, did it? All I had to do was say the right few words here and there, sow a few seeds of doubt, and it was like you wanted her to be betraying you.’
‘She was pregnant! She needed me—’
‘She needed attention,’ Mark spat, ‘that’s all she wanted. She wanted boys to look at her. She wanted them to want her. If she wanted respect, she should have kept her clothes on for once—’
Jay gave Mark a shove.
‘I loved her!’ Jay said, ‘I loved her more than anything.’
‘No. You beat her. You beat her, and you were cruel to her, and you raped her, Jay. That’s how she told me she got pregnant, she said you raped her.’
‘No,’ Jay said, ‘no. She said… she never said that.’
‘Well it’s what she said to me. She was scared of you. That’s the truth.’
‘No,’ Jay said, ‘she knew I never meant it. She wasn’t scared of me—’
‘Yes, she was. She couldn’t make you happy, and she knew it. They never can, Jay, because they don’t get you. None of them do.’
‘None of who?’
‘Girls. Women. That’s why things could never work with Sammie. They’ll never work with any of them.’
Mark reached out to Jay again. ‘Jay, you tried to kill Sammie,’ he said, ‘that’s how much you—’ Mark realised what he’d said and stopped in horror, though it took Jay a second to absorb it.
‘Tried?’ Jay said at last.
‘Jay… I…’
I watched Jay’s face as he understood. ‘You,’ he said, ‘you killed her?’
Suddenly, Mark’s self – assurance disappeared and he backed away. ‘Jay,’ he said, ‘Jay, I—’
Jay lunged at him.
Mark
51
> Mark had made it barely halfway home before he got the phone call from Jay, who was frantic, hysterical. It was difficult to make out the words.
‘Calm down,’ he said, already turning back towards Sammie’s house, ‘you did what?’
He ran there in a daze. He dashed around the side of the house, into the back garden and to the door into the kitchen, which was still ajar. The house was much as he had left it, except that Jay was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, crying.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ he said.
Mark knelt down beside him. ‘What?’ he said, ‘what have you done?’
‘I… I… I hurt her… and she… she won’t wake… wake up.’
Mark’s blood ran cold. He put his hand on Jay’s shoulder. ‘Is she… is she dead?’ he asked, surprised how calm his voice was.
‘I tried… I tried to… save her, but I don’t know how to do it. She wasn’t moving, and then I saw… I saw all this… this blood, between… between her… between her legs—’ he started to cry too heavily to continue talking.
‘Okay,’ Mark said, ‘okay. It’s alright, Jay, calm down.’
He tried to put his arms around him but Jay pushed him away. ‘It’s your fault!’ he said, ‘because you’ve been sleeping with her…’
Jay started to cry even harder, and Mark realised Jay had something in one of his hands. He tried to prise his fingers open, but it wasn’t easy.
‘Her necklace,’ Mark said, when he finally saw the little blue pendant.
‘I fixed it for her,’ Jay said through his tears. ‘I found a new chain. I was going to tell her we could still… we could still go… but then she was here with you…’
‘Where is she?’ Mark asked him. ‘Where’s her… body?’
Jay pointed towards the door out to the hallway, which was closed.
‘Okay,’ Mark said. He stood up and tried to pull Jay up too. ‘Come with me,’ he said, ‘we’ll check whether there’s anything we can do to help her.’
‘No,’ Jay moaned, ‘no.’
Mark knelt back down and this time when Mark held him, Jay didn’t protest. ‘Listen to me,’ Mark said into his hair, ‘I’m going to make this right.’
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