‘Why didn’t you leave?’ he said, ‘why didn’t you leave like I told you to?’
Sammie pushed Mark away from her and carried on walking towards her house. ‘Don’t follow me,’ she said. ‘Please. Please just… let me be.’
He ignored her and followed her down the lane and up the driveway to her house, right to the kitchen door.
‘What do you want?’ Sammie turned and yelled at him, her voice startlingly loud on the still summer afternoon. ‘What else could you possibly want? Do you… do you want to finish what we started doing earlier, is that it? Is that it, Mark?’
He stayed standing silently behind her, and on a crazy whim she thrust her hand into his crotch, cupping him through his jeans and he jumped back, almost in fright.
‘I don’t think you even could,’ she said, ‘you weren’t even properly hard earlier.’
Mark was still just watching her.
‘Is that why you hate me so much?’ she said quietly, ‘do you hate all girls, because you want to stop being a virgin but you can’t because you can’t even get it up?’
Mark took a step towards her, and Sammie tried to move away, sagging against the kitchen door in exhaustion. Her head was pounding, and she really didn’t feel well at all.
‘I can get it up,’ Mark told her. ‘Just not when I’m looking at you.’
Sammie fumbled in her jeans pocket for her house keys. She needed to go and lie down, but she didn’t want Mark to see how ill she felt.
‘You think you’re so special,’ Mark went on, ‘but you’re not. I never thought you were. And I’m not going to let Jay be hurt anymore by a girl like you.’
‘This isn’t about Jay, is it?’ she said. ‘In fact, I don’t believe it’s even about me. It’s about the fact that me and Jay have sex, and you’re jealous. Do you think I haven’t noticed how you watch us, the way you were looking at those pictures of me he showed you?’
Sammie managed to open the door and she went inside the house. Mark followed her and she let him, because she didn’t have the energy to get him to leave. She made her way up the stairs to her bedroom and Mark stood there beside her. He didn’t seem able to leave her alone.
‘What?’ she said, ‘what is it, Mark? What do you want?’
He didn’t answer.
‘You know what,’ Sammie said, pulling her t-shirt over her head, ‘if you want sex that much, why don’t you just do me, Mark? Or don’t you have it in you?’ She took her bra off, though Mark’s eyes didn’t move to her breasts, they were fixed on her stomach where there were huge, angry, pinky-red bruises.
‘He…’ Mark said, ‘he…’
‘Yes,’ Sammie said, ‘he beat me.’ She started to undo her jeans. ‘Why aren’t you happy? Isn’t this what you want?’
She pushed her jeans down and stepped out of them, her eyes fixed on Mark, and she was about to do the same with her underwear when she saw Mark’s face fill with horror. He pointed towards her and said, ‘your… your legs…’
Sammie looked down, and saw what he meant. There were smears of blood on the inside of her thighs, and she felt between her legs, where she discovered that her knickers were wet. When she took her hand away her fingers were covered in blood. ‘No,’ she said, ‘no, no, no, no.’
Mark was backing away from her. He looked terrified, his face white and sickly.
‘Help,’ Sammie said, ‘help me…’
Mark looked at her one second longer. Then he turned and ran from the room.
Felicity
46
Mark sat down beside me again, and I stared at him in horror. ‘Mark,’ I said, ‘Mark, you did tell the police Jay had taken me, didn’t you?’
When Mark spoke, he was looking down at his lap, and wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘He can’t go to prison,’ he said quietly.
‘What?’
‘He can’t,’ Mark said, ‘it would… it would make him worse. They…’ he looked at me. ‘Can you imagine what he’d be like in prison?’ he asked me. ‘They’d… they’d destroy him. He can’t go through that.’
I couldn’t answer, and I began to feel afraid.
‘Look,’ Mark said, ‘Jay doesn’t mean to do these things. I… I’ll help you get out, and I want… I want to be with you, but I don’t want Jay to get in trouble.’
‘You… you what?’ I said softly.
‘I love you, Felicity,’ Mark said, ‘and you love me too, don’t you? I want you, and the baby—’
‘I don’t love you!’ I said, ‘I love the Mark I knew back in Coalton, who made my jewellery website and cooked ridiculous amounts of food to try to impress me, and who was kind to me, and who was normal! I loved the Mark who was upset when he found out I’d been hurt, who told me I should go to the police—’
‘I’m still the same person.’
‘No,’ I said, ‘no, you’re not. As soon as this involved Jay, it’s like… it’s like you’re somebody else.’
Mark was silent for a while. Then I realised he was staring at something; the sapphire necklace Jay had given to me. ‘That necklace,’ he said. ‘It’s just like hers.’
‘What?’ I said, although I already understood.
‘You know what this is about, don’t you?’ he said, ‘he’s trying to make you into her. He’s trying to make you into Sammie.’
My blood ran cold as I remembered how Jay had called me by her name, but I said nothing to Mark.
‘After you’d gone, I remembered how you said you told Jay about what happened to your parents the night you met him. And I thought about the way you look, even the way you act sometimes.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Sammie looked a bit like you,’ Mark said, ‘and her parents, they weren’t dead, but… they weren’t exactly there. I think Jay saw something in you, and maybe not straight away, but at some point he decided to make the life with you that he’d once promised her.’
‘He promised her this?’ I said, showing him my handcuffed wrist.
‘No,’ Mark said. ‘It obviously went wrong. You decided you didn’t want to be with him, but I think by then he couldn’t stop.’
‘If he wants to be with Sammie so much,’ I exploded, ‘why didn’t he put all his effort into finding her, instead of messing around with you and me? I know she’s missing, but it’s not like he knows she’s dead, so why didn’t he…’ I stopped talking, as another realisation hit me. ‘No,’ I said, ‘no… she’s not.’ I could already see in Mark’s face that what I suspected was true. ‘She’s not,’ I said again, ‘she… she’s not dead. Is she?’
Mark was silent for a while, and then he nodded. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘she’s dead. Jay… Jay killed her.’
Sammie
47
Once Mark had left Sammie sank down to her knees and held her stomach. ‘It’s okay,’ she whispered, ‘it’s okay, baby. Just hold on… hold on.’ She picked up her phone, not sure what to do, and found herself calling her mum.
Her mum’s voice sounded funny on the end of the phone.
‘This isn’t really a good time,’ she told Sammie.
Sammie closed her eyes, pressing the phone too hard against her ear and trying not to cry. ‘Mum, I… I really need—’
‘Everything is such a bloody mess,’ her mum said suddenly, taking Sammie aback with the emotion in her voice.
‘Mum, what’s… what’s happened?’
Her mum made a little noise that might have been a sob. ‘I’m sorry darling,’ she said, ‘you don’t need all this right now. How was your exam? History, wasn’t it?’
Sammie’s mind went blank. Her mum thought she’d had an exam today. That’s why she thought Sammie was calling.
‘Mum, I need—’
‘It’s your dad and me,’ her mum said, ‘I know you’re in the middle of your exams right now but I’m sure you realised this was coming after you found out about the separation. We… we’re getting a divorce.’
‘Oh,’ Sammie said. Inside her head, t
hings began to seem unreal. She felt a bit like she was floating, and then a wave of painful cramps in her stomach made her gasp, though her mum didn’t notice. She was talking about the practical arrangements, about the move to Kent, about Sammie going to college, and then she said, ‘you know, I think this will all work out for the best.’
‘What?’ Sammie said.
‘I mean, nothing’s really been right for years, has it? Everything will get better now.’
‘No!’ Sammie said, crying. ‘Nothing is better now. Everything is… everything is fucking shit.’
Her mum was stunned into silence.
‘Sammie!’ she said eventually, ‘don’t you dare talk to me like—’
‘I hate you!’ Sammie shouted, ‘I never wanted to move to this stupid place anyway, you made me, and you have no idea what it’s been like for me, what I’ve been through, and now you’re telling me things will be better, like you know what’s better for me! You have no idea what’s better for me! You don’t even know who I am. As far as you’re concerned I’m dead, aren’t I? I’m dead like Alfie.’
‘Sam—’ Sammie cut off her mum’s voice by flinging her phone at the wall, where it broke in two and fell to the floor in a clatter of plastic.
She tried to gather her thoughts, but before she could get anywhere she heard the sound of the back door opening again. She thought it must be Mark, and she was so relieved he’d returned that she cried out, ‘Mark, you came back! I’m upstairs, come and help me.’
She got unsteadily to her feet, wrapped a dressing gown around her body, and made it out onto the landing. She couldn’t see or hear Mark coming, so she started making her way down the stairs to find him, clutching at the banister.
‘Mark—’ she began to say again as she reached the kitchen and stepped inside. But then words failed her as the person who’d just let themselves into the house locked eyes with her, and instead of Mark, she found herself looking at Jay.
‘Sorry I’m not who you were expecting,’ he said.
‘Jay,’ Sammie said.
‘Why was he here?’ Jay asked her. ‘I saw him leaving.’
Sammie pulled her dressing gown more tightly around her body, but she saw Jay take in her bare legs, and the fact she didn’t have a top on. He strode across to her. ‘Why were you calling out to him to help you?’ he asked, taking her arm. ‘Was that why he was here? Were you… were you telling him he had to help you with the baby?’
‘No,’ Sammie said, ‘Jay, please, just leave me alone. I won’t bother you anymore—’
‘You really don’t know whose the baby is, do you?’ Jay said.
‘Jay—’
He gripped her arm more tightly, ‘do you?’ he said.
Sammie wrenched her arm away from him and ran out into the hall, but Jay followed her. ‘Was that what you were doing just then? Trying to persuade him to look after the baby, now that I’ve said I don’t want it?’ He paused a second, then said, ‘is that why you don’t have any clothes on? Were you going to sleep with him again to try to get him to help you?’
‘No,’ Sammie said, ‘no, Jay. I’ve never… I’ve never slept with him. I told you—’
Jay grabbed her and threw her towards the stairs and Sammie stumbled, falling to her knees as he stood over her.
‘I came here to tell you I’d give you another chance,’ he said, ‘I thought about what you told me, and I came to talk, and try to work things out. But then I found you were here with him!’
Sammie closed her eyes. This couldn’t be happening.
‘Jay…’ she said helplessly, ‘I—’
He dragged her to her feet again. ‘You’re what?’ he said, ‘you’re sorry?’
‘I am sorry.’
He looked her up and down. Her dressing gown was coming undone, and she wrapped it back around to cover her chest. ‘You’re disgusting, Sammie,’ he said, ‘you really are a slag.’
He began to walk away from her, and Sammie followed him.
‘You never give me a chance!’ she said, ‘you just want to believe the worst of me—’
‘Because it’s true!’ Jay said, ‘Mark told me what you’re really like. He told me you’re no good, and I’ve given you chance after chance. You almost persuaded me he was lying to me. He’s my best friend, Sammie. You tried to make out like he was deceiving me, making stuff up about you, when all the time it was you—’
‘What do you want me to say?’ Sammie cried. ‘It’s like you want it to be true. Is that what you want to hear, Jay? Do you want me to tell you I don’t know who the baby’s father is? Do you want me to tell you I’ll do it with anyone, that I’ve done it with Mark, and half the boys at school, that in fact so many guys have had a go that I don’t even know how many I’ve been with? That all this time I’ve just been laughing at you? Is that… is that what you want me to say?’
Jay looked at her for a moment. Just a moment. Then an expression came over his face that was extraordinary. She had no time to understand what was going to happen; no time to take it back, find the right words to sort it out. His hands were around her throat, pushing her back against the wall, pressing her windpipe; crushing it. She tried to push him away from her, to fight him. She thought for a second that perhaps he was just scaring her and he’d stop, but he didn’t. He carried on watching her, squeezing while she choked for air, until everything started greying out.
The last thing Sammie thought was that she wished she had her parents. She wished her mum and dad would walk through the door, see what was going on, and save her. Even if Mark came back she’d be glad, because she was sure no matter how much he hated her that he wouldn’t let Jay do this. But all there was was Jay, and she realised that’s all there would ever be, now. Nobody would save her. Nobody would come. She was alone.
Felicity
48
‘And you…’ I said to Mark, ‘you knew. All along, you knew he’d killed her.’
‘It was an accident.’
I closed my eyes. Why had I contacted Mark? I’d known there was something strange about the fact he’d said Sammie had gone to live with her mum when he knew she was missing, and I’d known there was something strange between him and Jay.
‘He did it because he thought she was sleeping with me,’ Mark said. ‘She was pregnant with his baby, and the thought of her being with me was too much for him. He just… he just lost control. It wasn’t his fault.’
‘Where…’ I said, ‘where is she? Where is her… body?’
‘She’s safe,’ Mark said, ‘we took care of her. For a while I thought we’d get caught, but… Sammie had written a goodbye note to her parents. We left it out for her mum to find and we got rid of the bags she’d packed along with her body. Nobody ever questioned it.’
‘Where is she?’ I asked again, ‘where is she Mark?’
‘Just down the road,’ Mark said. ‘In the woods.’
‘You… you… she’s… she’s down the road?’
‘You didn’t know!’ Mark said, amazed. ‘This house. This house is just outside Tatchley.’
…
‘Mark,’ I said, after a long, shocked silence, ‘why? Why did you… help him?’
‘It was… it was like some crazy… reflex,’ he said. ‘Something terrible had happened and I wanted to make it go away. I just did it. I barely thought. I still dream about it sometimes. It was really hard work, and Jay barely helped. He wouldn’t touch her, so I had to do everything. I wrapped her up in a sleeping bag I found in her room; one of those ones that go up over your head, with the drawstrings. I did it up so that all you could see was her nose, and a little of her hair that managed to escape. When I rolled her body into the grave we dug in the woods she fell on her back. I didn’t want to touch her again to turn her over, so when I first started covering her with earth I had to throw it onto that little opening to her face. I told myself it wasn’t real, and we were just playing a game.’
He paused and looked at me, but I couldn’t speak so he c
arried on.
‘I thought the police would find us,’ he said, ‘I thought me and Jay would both get arrested. For years I thought they would come, but they just… don’t. And everyone around me wanted me to carry on doing normal things. They wanted me to finish my exams, go to university, get a job. I sleepwalked through everything. Then one day it felt like it couldn’t really have happened, like I must have imagined it all, because my life was just… normal. But Jay went to pieces. He suffered, Felicity. People don’t understand him. His mum… his mum figured out what had happened. Not… not exactly what happened, but she knew Jay had something to do with Sammie going missing. She’d overheard an argument between Jay and Sammie, and I think there were other things too. She ignored it for a few years, but then it got too much for her and she threw Jay out. As if that was going to help him.’ He added violently.
‘Mark,’ I said slowly, when he seemed to have said all he was going to say, ‘please will you just help me get away? I won’t go to the police about you or Jay, or any of this. I swear. Just please, get me out of here. I don’t want my baby to be born here—’
‘Fliss, I’ll let you go,’ Mark said. ‘I’m not… I’m not going to leave you here.’
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘okay. Thank you. Thank you, Mark.’
‘I’ll go and look in the garage for some tools,’ he said calmly, as though the past few minutes hadn’t even happened, ‘I’m sure there will be something that can—’
There was a sound, and we both froze.
Keys in the front door.
Jay was home.
…
He came straight upstairs. There was no question of him knowing Mark was there. He’d have seen Mark’s car outside, but apart from that he was home too early. He’d said he’d come home a little early and check on me after I’d been unwell in the night, but it was only lunchtime now. He must have realised what I’d done with his phone, and he’d probably been planning what he’d do ever since.
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