The One We Feed

by Kristina Meister

  “Who knows, who cares, it works!” he nearly shouted, using words I had thought a thousand times.

  What did it matter? The point was, I could help people, right? But it did not make sense that either Eva or the past Future Me had created my current incarnation. So if it was happening, there had to be another source, and, if there was another source, then there were other paths and possibilities.

  “And the purpose? Why would this be happening?”

  Jinx heaved an overly agonized sigh. “I’m really getting sick of this causal bullshit coming out of people’s mouths. I was tired of it then, and I’m still tired of it now. There is never a reason or purpose for anything. It’s all just physics! Evolution is unstoppable. Chemicals and atoms work the way they do! No purpose, just inevitability.”

  I don’t think he expected to see the smile taking root on my face. His eyes narrowed as he glanced at our companions. Devlin’s mouth ticked suggestively; somehow I knew he would be the first to understand. Ananda gave no sign he even cared. Jinx glared at me.

  “So what’s the deal? What am I missing?”

  “I think I’ve been completely wrong about all of this,” I sat up and pulled my legs up under me in a lotus position. “I thought I had a purpose, that that purpose had to do with the kind of person I am. I thought I was supposed to save Reesa from Mara, that all my visions were pointing me that way, but I’m starting to reconsider.”

  Jinx looked around, as if he missed the various electrical components that usually made sense of the world for him. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s all about ideas and how they fight to survive. It always has been.”

  All along Jinx had been warning me about thinking in a linear fashion, about stringing thoughts and actions like beads, but I had kept on doing it, even as I navigated the future with each journey into the jhana and got increasingly adept at recovering from Time-Loop Syndrome, as Jinx had termed it. To me, I had just been tying knots in time, but my perceived temporal macramé was not how time actually looked. Arthur’s revelation had awakened me, and the more I thought about how the world seemed to him the more it all made sense.

  What if the game wasn’t just cause and effect? What if it was taking place on a crazy, trans-dimensional chessboard drawn by M.C. Escher? What if my “purpose” wasn’t an extension of who I was but of who I would be? What if my myth was evolving backward?

  “Reesa doesn’t need my help,” I murmured.

  “Hypnotic karaoke artists and slavering skin-walkers to the contrary,” Jinx interrupted.

  “I need hers.”

  Jinx’s mouth fell open. The tongue ring glinted in the soft light of the chandelier.

  “Think about it. Mara is afraid of her because the Rakshasa listen to her. She anchors them in communication, something that prevents ignorance and, thus, violence. But why is it she was sane enough to sing? Why didn’t her transformation happen in the same way as theirs? Obviously, she had some preexisting ability that somehow got in the way of what Mara did to her.”

  “Okay,” he said irritably, “it’s a reasonable conclusion, but not the only one.” He lay his head back down on the table and suctioned his ear to its shiny surface.

  I closed my eyes. I relived the memory, hearing her voice echo into the silence and reverberate in the ears of the ones who might have hurt her. With one song, she had triggered something within them, some kind of awakening.

  “It was Gran. An idea born from a lifetime of struggle and sacrifice, strong enough to stop illusions, righteous enough to halt self-loathing, compassionate enough to accept anything. That’s what her Gran built into her from the first. She was a revolutionary, like you. You were battling classicism and Gran was battling discrimination, hatred, ignorance. It’s that absolute moral and ethical assurance that slices through their conditioning.”

  “And you think that has somehow been augmented by her transformation? You think she has some unique insight?”

  I nodded. I had seen it first hand, after all. I had watched them try to defend her as Mara had her pulled from the tank, foaming at the mouth. “Her gift is like a Siren’s, because no matter what they are thinking, her voice draws out the poison, she can find the best person, the one who was wounded and forgot itself. But more than that, she has the idea of complete individuality, the permission to exist as is. That’s what she brings to them.”

  Jinx cocked his vivid head to the side pensively. His mouth had closed and he was frowning so hard I thought his eyebrow studs would get tangled together. “She’s Shamhat, ‘The magnificent One.’”

  “Mara knows he cannot keep her in that coma forever. Unless her will to live fades or his pharmacologists can innovate as fast as her body, she will wake up. When she does, he’ll lose his army. She will unite them and lead them. There is no other future but that. So...why am I here?”

  He, too, was staring into the distance, seeing what I saw the only way it could be seen: unfocused.

  “Her gift seems familiar, doesn’t it? Kind of…oh, I don’t know…like my supposed cure?”

  He blinked and I knew he understood. I had accepted his hypothesis. Maybe time did sometimes move backward.

  “You have to assimilate her gift. Now. Because…because it’s important...back then.”

  I bowed my head. “So, Jinx, I’ll ask again. Why is this happening? What’s the purpose?”

  “It’s inevitable,” he whispered.

  “And if you were Arthur and knew what he knew, saw things the way that he does, moved through his reality….” I fell silent. His face had gone so pale that his hair stood out like a stop light.

  He got up and went to the minibar. The hiss of the Redbull can opening was followed by a sound of meek surrender. He returned and plopped down in his chair, looking at me as if he’d never seen me before.

  “Those are mighty big clown shoes to fill, Lily. Even bigger than the ones I had for you. The Rakshasa are not immortal...but if you interact with them there’s a chance….”

  “New World Order.”

  He gulped and the can was empty in a few moments. He flattened the aluminum.

  “How do we get you in?”

  I turned to Devlin. He was about to declare check in two moves. Ananda had his lips pressed together and was scanning the board with unseeing precision.

  “If I wanted something badly enough, could a Siren make me believe it, no matter what it was? Even someone like me?”

  “I imagine so.”

  “I need your assurances, Devlin, not your imaginings.”

  His eyes darted to mine, dark with annoyance at my interruption of his fifteenth consecutive win. But before he had been a general, he had been a soldier.

  “That’s what they say. The only way for one of us to resist is to already have everything we could want.”

  Ananda held up a finger. “Or want nothing at all.”

  “What if someone wanted ignorance?”

  Jinx was shaking his head but knew better than to say anything. If I was anything, it was stubborn.

  “Yes.” Devlin nodded. “Even that. If you want to forget something, the Siren can make it happen.”

  “How close are you to Mara?”

  He began to laugh, his triumph forgotten for the tastier meat of my sudden assertiveness. “About as close as you are to your local grocer.”

  “You get him what he needs and the Sangha pays the bills?”

  “Essentially.”

  “Does he know you were the supplier?”

  He shrugged and went back to his final move. “Check in two, my dear. You have lost again.”

  Ananda held up his elegant hands in submission. “I am no good at this.”

  His opponent leaned his fanged jaw on his hand and smiled almost lovingly. “I am glad of it.”

  “You just like to win.”

  “It’s a weakness, I’m afraid. If you wanted to cure me of it, one would think you’d try winning.”

  “I do try, but I simply lose int
erest. To me, you are not so bad as you are, but if you want to be cured, perhaps you should not try so hard to remain the same.”

  “Your lips to God’s ears,” Jinx said. “Look, I think I know where she’s going with this, but if it’s going to work, then she’ll need your help too.”

  Devlin’s face became a stoic mask. “Mara is not someone on whom we play pranks. The chances of getting past his security are slim, even for me. Why do you think I took Ursula in? With assets and secrets like mine, I must surround myself with people who can protect me. It is the same for him. Mara would know I was being deceptive in an instant.”

  “So don’t be,” I said, getting to my feet. “It’s about winning isn’t it? He knows about you, I’m sure. He’ll expect you to want something, to be there for something, and I’m almost positive he has something you want.” He shrugged again which belied the glint of absolute certainty in his eye. “So make that your goal. All I need is for you to be there, being you.”

  “Why?”

  “It will all make sense.”

  He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. “I do not like being ignorant of the plans.”

  I met his gaze and held it. In only a few short weeks of immortality, I had been places and done things he could not imagine. I had enough talent in my little finger to make his world crumble, and it was about time I stop twiddling my thumbs and make use of it. If I was right, one life no longer mattered, and his discomfort meant nothing to me. As Arthur had said, I would drain him dry and stomp over his corpse if he refused me.

  Desperate times.

  I dropped my throat into Karl’s octave and glared at him. “Do as you are asked.”

  I turned to go, longing for the crisp night air of the forest above, for a scent of Arthur’s trail, but Devlin’s voice bounded after me and paralyzed my spine with a poisonous sting.

  “Dark is she, but brilliant!” he whispered in a tone like a razor. “Black are her wings, black on black! Her lips are red as rose, kissing all of the Universe! She is Lilith, who leadeth forth the hordes of the Abyss and leadeth man to liberation! She is the irresistible fulfiller of all cravings, seer of desires. First of all women was she—Lilith, not Eve, was the first! Her hand brings forth the revolution of the Will and the true freedom of the mind! She is ki-si-kil-lil-la-ke, Queen of Magic! Look on her in lust and despair!”

  Arctic streams ran through my veins. Hairs rose on the back of my neck. . The world vanished for an instant, until the clattering of the chess pieces brought it back to me.

  It seemed as if, for just one instant, ancient history and impossible future had occupied the same space.

  My breathing and pulse were erratic. I reached up and clutched at the pain in my chest.

  “A modern Luciferian incantation,” Devlin said, sardonic sludge oozing into his voice. “I wonder to whom.”

  Chapter 24

  Sirens

  I hovered at the edge of the cavern, leaning tensely against the carved arch behind the DJ booth. Across the chamber, the others were sitting in a collection of armchairs near the bar. Devlin beckoned me with a nod. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew this was the right choice, the only choice.

  As I came near, the other vamps peeled themselves off their walls, columns, and shadows and slithered out of the huge room into other caverns. I snagged a few of their hungry glances as they glided by and caught more than a few mental whispers that upheld my name as a title. I tried to ignore them, kept my face as stoic as possible. Better that they not know how unenlightened enlightenment really was, otherwise they might stop looking for it.

  Devlin disconnected himself from Ananda’s care and got to his feet. The transformation was instantaneous, his eyes devolving from a man’s to a lizard’s right in front of me. Unnerved, I reconsidered what I was about to do, for about two seconds.

  No matter what it would feel like, it was absolutely necessary.

  He blinked at me knowingly and stretched an emotionless sneer across his face.

  Asshole, I thought.

  Our guest was sitting with her back to me, but I could already tell she was not what I had pictured. Bleach-blonde and black-patched hair stuck out at odd angles. Fur-lined black stiletto boots pointed their toes at the coffee table and kicked impatiently. A hand with long, plastic nails painted bright red toyed with a cheap string of glass beads.

  If she’s wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt, I’m leaving.

  Devlin read my expression in a sardonic blink. He swept his arm over her. “Lilith, may I introduce you to Cleo, the last remaining Siren not within Mara’s control.”

  The blonde turned and looked over her shoulder at me. Dark cat’s-eye makeup and false eyelashes stared up. Bold, red lips snapped bubblegum at me as if to say, “What the fuck are you supposed to be?”

  I came around the seating area to the only open chair and stood beside it, examining her with all my sundry abilities while she chewed her gum noisily. Jinx rolled his eyes and gave me a dubious look that shook off his face within a few seconds. His fingers twitched, his legs jiggled. He vibrated in the silence until I could almost hear his scattered thoughts resonating. A tray sat in front of him stacked with a tiny, unfinished pyramid of espresso cups.

  “Lily, say something.”

  I raised an eyebrow. She looked rough, young, but that was just a disguise. She was strong and smart enough to know that if she spoke, the power would leech into the simplest of phrases and casual words would be taken literally. Despite her absurd makeup, her eyes betrayed a deep, churning mind that looked back at me in something akin to recognition.

  I tilted my head. “She’s perfect.”

  Jinx sighed like a tea kettle coming to a boil. “Craptastic, now can we get this shit-ball rolling, please, before I, like, go into convulsions or something?”

  The Siren eyed him.

  He picked up another shot glass, emptied it, and, only by virtue of his preternatural control, managed to stack it atop the others. “Yeah, fuck you too, Madonna.”

  “Now Jinx, don’t be rude,” Devlin said.

  “Blow it out your ass, Tepes,” he shot back. “I know she’s jack to you, but she’s my friend.”

  I couldn’t help it. Even with the severity of what was about to happen, even though it had taken a full day to compose myself, I grinned.

  “I can take care of myself, twerp.”

  He was about to bite back, until he saw the emotion in my face. Instead, he sank into the chair and looked sheepish. “Tout ce qui vous plaira, Lily.”

  “Thank you.” I turned to Devlin and took a deep breath. “Have you explained it to her? Can she set a trigger?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure you wanna stick with that one?” the hacker said with a fake gag. “I mean, I know it’s the one thing you can be positive will happen, but...Great Green Arkleseizure!”

  I managed a shaky nod. “It’s important. Arthur said something….”

  “Yeah, and whenever he bothers to, you might as well listen,” Jinx grumbled.

  “Let’s get this over with.”

  Devlin’s lip curled, exposing his canines. He buried himself behind the bar, almost in an effort to hide it. By that time in his existence, it was probably impossible for him to not smile at other people’s misfortunes. He came away from the liquor cabinets with a lovely crystal pinot glass and something of a leer.

  “You’re enjoying this.”

  “A little, I must admit.”

  Jinx shivered up the nerve to get to his feet. “I can’t watch this. Fuck. It’s just wrong...and gross. Fuck fuck fuck!” He fluffed his spikes, spun in a nervous circle, and then stomped to the back chamber with a mumbled, “I’m fucking sorry.”

  As the three of us watched, Devlin took out a butterfly knife, opened it, and, with flourish, slit his own wrist. The glass filled quickly, the red fluid lapping at the edges as he slid it toward me with a gratified smile and no trace of injury.

  He tapped the glass and closed t
he knife. “I’m filled with an overwhelming appreciation for irony, at the present.”

  Ananda stood, and instantly Devlin’s face sobered.

  “Lilith, I cannot see past this.”

  I tried to seem as if it was no big deal to face uncertainty alone and powerless, but I should have known better. The Arhat walked over to me and took my hands. I could feel the soothing magic but refused it. Ananda’s eyes closed and his head bowed.

  “Is it his fault,” I said of Devlin, “or is it something else entirely?”

  He squeezed me closer. “Something else.”

  I nodded. The pit of my stomach got a bit deeper. “Any advice?”

  “Be yourself.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. “Good advice.”

  I felt him nod, then the rush of cool air as he drew back and walked away. Devlin tracked him anxiously through the cavern, his eyes affixed to the tunnel even after Ananda had disappeared into it.

  “He’s not angry. This is my fight,” I explained, “not theirs.” I picked up the glass and swirled the contents. It looked like thick, brackish tomato soup.

  Devlin had begun to smile again. “Your first time, I understand,” he commented drily. “Then if anyone’s, it should be mine. Fitting, really.”

  The air around the glass filled with coppery perfume. I almost gagged. He smirked and I momentarily lost my nerve. Lowering the glass, I caught his eye.

  “Can I trust you?”

  He crossed his arms. “I’m offended at the insinuation.”

  “If you don’t follow through, I will find you.”

  His smile grew. “Yes, yes, and make my life hell. I know. Really, I’m not sure there is much left for you to accomplish in that regard.”

  I held his gaze. “I can fix you. I almost think that would be enough. It certainly worked for Karl.”

  To my surprise, the malicious twist of lip vanished into a detached glare. “I’m not Karl and I don’t scare easily. Threats are a waste of time.”