Sounds of Yesterday

by Pacheco, Briana

  I can’t make a sound.

  I hear the undoing of his zipper.

  No!

  He rips my soul out of my body and leaves me numb.

  ***

  Declan is sitting on my bed, offering me soup and trying to get me to move from my room. Mom is downstairs talking to my friends and demanding answers on what the hell happened after the party because I don’t tell her anything. I can’t. I can’t move my lips. I can’t think of that night. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

  After…after it happened, I slipped out of Zach’s house and ran down the block to my house. I snuck into my room, threw myself into my bed, and haven’t felt like moving since.

  Today is my birthday.

  I want to forget everything.

  I threw Alex out of my room minutes ago, slamming the door shut and yelling at everyone to leave me alone. Something snapped inside of me and I don’t like what I’ve become.

  The last twenty-four hours have been the worst of my life.

  Being alone is bittersweet.

  I feel like I’m drowning and I welcome it.

  ***

  Seven days. One hundred sixty-eight hours. Six hundred four thousand eight hundred seconds. That’s how long I’ve kept this to myself. That’s how long I’ve tortured myself, day and night, over what happened in that bathroom.

  I wish I never went into that bathroom.

  No one tells you how hard it is dealing with the fact that you were raped. It’s different for everyone but for me, I was shocked, completely paralyzed with fear once my brain comprehended that someone was violating my body.

  Once hands are touching you and they don’t stop, you panic.

  I tried to scream. Instead, the only sounds being made were of him laughing--mocking me for wanting this. Wanting him.

  I remember everything that happened that day. It haunts me when I close my eyes, and my silence reminds me when I open them.

  I was kind of drunk and not fully high but my brain has stored that moment into a place that will remember it even if I don’t want to.

  Seeing him everyday at school–talking to him, it meant nothing. He raped me. He kissed my cheek after he was done, said ‘happy birthday’, and winked at me, leaving me alone in my friend’s bathroom.

  He acted like it was normal to corner a girl, invade her personal space, and shove her jeans down her legs.

  He acted like I wanted to have sex with him.

  After I sank to my knees and curled into a tight ball trying to disappear, words left me. My speech was replaced with complete and utter silence.

  I. Couldn’t. Say. Anything.

  I tried. I tried to open my mouth and tell someone but then it would flash in my mind and I’d close up again. He made me feel like I was to blame. He made me feel small.

  I keep thinking about if I did something to suggest I wanted him.

  I keep thinking it was my fault.

  My friends worry. My family worries.

  I become numb.

  I was raped and I didn’t go to the police because I was scared, and also a coward. Who would believe me, the girl who hides in the background, over the star lacrosse player?

  I didn’t go to the police because I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble for the underage drinking.

  I didn’t go to the police because the day of my birthday, I went into the shower and scrubbed my skin raw, trying to erase the feeling of Pierce’s skin on mine.

  After so much thinking, I feel like I can’t say a word.

  I stop playing music, I stop feeling music.

  I want to go back to before and smile and laugh and enjoy being alive. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep and feel responsible for this anymore.

  I want to breathe.

  I want to scream.

  I want to go back to hearing the sounds of yesterday, the noises that made me sit at my piano and create a song to remember the day by.

  I want to go back to the night of that party and change my mind of going.

  I want to break things and make someone understand why I’m the way I am.

  I want…I want to tell someone but I’m scared.

  I don’t know what my friends will think. I don’t even know what I think.

  I get out of bed and wrap my arms around my waist, walking out of my room towards Mom’s, across the hall. I should be in school but Mom said I can have this one day off. Winter break is over and thinking of being in the same school with that monster has left me utterly terrified.

  Mom took a personal day today so we’re all here. Declan is in his room, most likely sleeping. It’s only eight in the morning but I’ve been up for hours.

  I take slow, measured steps until I get to Mom’s door. I press my ear against it and hope she’s awake. I don’t want to wake her up if she isn’t. She’s working longer hours at her job. Dec and I always tell her to get more sleep.

  I can’t hear anything so I crack the door open slowly. The action itself brings me back to that night and I screw my eyes shut. Don’t let it consume you! Tell Mom. You’re here to tell her. I push the door open even more and spot her lying on her bed, sleeping.

  I shake my head and step back, closing the door.

  “What are you doing?”

  I jump back and cover my mouth before a scream rips through my lips.

  Declan stands a foot away from me in a wrinkled t-shirt, his blue eyes locked on mine, worried and confused. His brown hair is sticking up in all places, and I can spot a little bit of drool on the corner of his mouth.

  “Is Mom awake?”

  I shake my head and turn my back to him so I can go back to my room. He tries to reach out for me but I shimmy past him just in time.

  “Emily.”

  I walk into my bedroom, Declan right behind me.

  “Emily, stop.” He closes my door and I narrow my eyes at it. Everything reminds me of what happened. Pierce has ruined my life and took along everything I ever loved or touched. All my memories are painful to think about.

  My heart feels hollow.

  “Please tell me what’s wrong.” Declan looks around my room, his eyes stopping on my nightstand. A photograph of us when we were six and eight, fishing for the first time, holds his attention. Dad took us because Declan wanted to go and he didn’t want me to stay home with Mom. It was sibling time. The first of many. “You can tell me anything. You can trust me.”

  Say it. Emily, say it.

  “If someone hurt you, you don’t have to lie to me.” His voice cracks and he drops his head, staring at the hardwood floor.

  He knows.

  “People are assholes and I know they give you a hard time at school.”

  He doesn’t know anything…

  Tell him! TELL HIM! Emily, open your damn mouth and let it out!

  “Did Cynthia do something? Sophie said she–”

  “I was raped,” I whisper.

  Declan’s head shoots up and all we do is stare at each other. One second, two seconds, three seconds. My body crumples and I fall to the floor, whispering it over and over again. Declan takes up the spot beside me and pulls me into his chest. I beat the words against the floorboards with my fists until Declan takes them into his hands and holds me tight.

  I was raped. I was raped. I was raped. Those words have haunted me since it happened and continue to do so. I feel so broken, so used, so…worthless. Saying those words out loud are a blessing and curse. Because now people will know.

  “Do you know who did it?”

  I nod. “Pierce Hopkins.” That name is burned into my brain and I want it gone.

  We’re silent until he continues his questions.

  “Alex… Does Alex know?”

  I push away with wide eyes. “No, Declan, please, you can’t tell him! He can’t…” I shake my head and dry my eyes roughly. “He can’t know.”

  “Some piece of shit hurt you and I’m going to fucking kill him. Alex will find out.”

  Declan stands and I ge
t up on my knees, grabbing his arm. “Dec, he can’t! Please!”

  “Why the fuck not?” He looks so big standing above me, his eyes hard, his shoulders squared. This is not my loving brother who used to sing lullabies to me. This is the brother I just created by telling him the truth. He will hurt someone. He has that look in his eyes.

  “Because….” I pull on his arm harder when he starts to walk away from me. “Because he…” Declan drags me across the floor with him when he reaches for my doorknob. “On my birthday…” Speak! “Declan, stop!”

  His feet come to a stop and he looks down at me with tear-filled eyes.

  “He’ll hate himself for what he did on my birthday if he finds out.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, thinking of that morning.

  I hated him for touching me the way he did when I woke up. I never hated it when Alex touched me. He was just worried about me for leaving without a word and wanted to give me my birthday sex early. He didn’t know anything happened. I texted him saying I was feeling sick and wanted to go home.

  He didn’t know!

  He didn’t know I didn’t want to wake up with his fingers inside me while he kissed my neck. He made me forget and I enjoyed what he was doing until he whispered, ‘happy birthday’.

  My world screeched to a halt the moment he murmured those words and the flashbacks assaulted me. My world burned in those seconds. Emily Rose Spencer died and this, whatever I am, was left behind to suffer.

  “I hate myself for not being able to help you.” Declan untangles himself from my death grip and throws open my door. “He won’t get away with this, Emily. No one fucking touches you.”

  I watch Declan’s back with blurry eyes.

  I hear him wake up Mom and tell her I need her.

  I feel like the worst person in the world when he slams the front door shut.

  In a matter of hours, my life gets so much worse.

  Pierce’s father is the police captain. Everyone loves him. He is a God in this city.

  Do you see my dilemma?

  Declan, trying to help me, just fucked my situation even more. It’s my word against Pierce’s.

  I have nothing physical to prove that night happened.

  Nothing except the scars that can’t be shown.

  I curl up into a tight ball and take shelter in the dark hole, which is now my life.

  Days pass and everyone at school hears about it.

  My first day back at school is a moment I wish I could erase. Pierce’s parents pulled him Wilks Academy for the ‘accusations’ and I became that girl. The girl who claimed to be raped and got the star lacrosse player transferred to another school.

  I became the girl who ruined everything.

  No one understands that I was ruined first.

  No one understands that they worship a monster.

  Chapter 7

  I tap my fingers against my thigh softly, slowly, like I’m running my fingers over the keys of a piano. I haven’t touched my piano in months. It’s sitting in the living room, covered, taunting me.

  I need to play again. I need to let music rip open my heart and drown out all the pain. All the sadness. I need to play so I don’t end up screaming until my throat hurts. I need to play so I can find hope and not give up completely on this life I was given.

  If I plan on majoring in Music Therapy, I need to start playing, to help myself, so I can help others later on. I can’t stop playing just because my life took a wrong turn. I can’t let them win. All the monsters. All the spiteful words thrown my way. They can’t win.

  “When we graduate in three months, where do you want to go first?” Alex asks, sitting down on the top step of the stairs beside me. I watch him leave some space between us before he sets his book bag down near his legs.

  I sit here every day during my free period. It’s where we’ve always met up. I didn’t want to change that up after the rape. Well, I kind of did by leaving whenever Alex sat down but then he said he missed me. I missed him so much it hurt. So I stayed. And here we are. But he’s different. We both are.

  Alex is the guy you bring home to meet the parents, the guy you can trust, and ultimately, the guy you fall in love with. The day he stepped foot in my homeroom, he had my interest. All he did was smile and wave at me for an entire week but it was something. I wanted to know him. Now, I wish he’d forget he ever met me.

  When I’m alone with my thoughts, I wish I were never even born.

  “Are we still on for the road trip?” I hug my arms around me even tighter and glance to my right. Alex is watching me, not missing anything. He’s always around, trying to help. Everyone is. Sometimes it’s suffocating. Other times, I welcome it.

  Bringing up plans we made months ago is not something I do anymore. I want to forget about the past and live in the now. But I don’t want to forget all the good things. There were so many good things.

  Alex being one of them.

  I hate who I turned him into. I hate that I cared about him so much, making him not want anyone else. We spent everyday together since he started tutoring me. He became someone important to me. I’ve never cared so much about a person the way I did for Alex. He knew me. He asked questions, met my family, and cared about me. We were something special together. And then both of our worlds burned.

  He stuck around and the only way I could handle him so close to me was by telling him not to look at me like everything was his fault. Ever since he found out about the rape, he’s hated himself for what he did and what he couldn’t do. He used to be so lively and now, he’s lost. We’re both so, so lost.

  We made plans. We had everything set for after graduation. Now, I feel like we were shot into a black hole, left not knowing which way to turn to make it back.

  Alex gives me his full attention for a minute straight without saying a word. He just stares, sad eyes reminding me of what happened and what we had.

  I look off to the side because getting trapped in his eyes is dangerous.

  It’s been three months since and I just crave his body against mine. I want to feel him touching me, kissing me, breathing me. He doesn’t look at me with that hunger in his eyes anymore so I’ve stopped waiting for it to appear. I live in a world with no touching, no feelings, nothing.

  I hate that what happened to me weighs not only me down but the people I care for.

  I hate everything about this school and the monsters in it.

  I hate a lot of things now.

  It’s easier.

  I sum up my life into before and after. Everything before that god-awful night was perfect. Life was kind of easy. I loved doing things. It was full of perfect moments I would love to live again. It was bright futures and happiness. Everything after, shifted people’s worlds, destroyed mine, and left me in a dark abyss. Before was my happy place. Before was when the beautiful sounds of music seeped into my bones and made me feel whole.

  “If you’re up for it, I’m in.” Alex’s voice breaks through my thoughts and a smile almost appears on my lips. Almost. My facial features have given up on me so smiles are non-existent. “But I think we need to change the ‘road trip’ into a ‘Euro-trip.’”

  My eyes widen as my jaw hits my knees. “What did you say?” It’s the first time in weeks I’ve responded with more than three words in less than five minutes.

  The chuckle that I grew to love listening to makes an appearance and my heart jumps in my chest. Finally. He’s starting to chuckle again. I thought I killed the man sitting beside me. He wouldn’t laugh, smile, or say jokes. He was so happy. And then he just wasn’t. Because of me.

  “You’ve always dreamt of traveling. Let’s do it. After graduation, we’ll get on a plane and visit all the places you want. We’ll be back before college starts of course.”

  June 12th is when I’ll finally get to breathe. I’ll get out of this city and get away from all of its demons.

  My eyes land on his and for a split second, we’re us again. We’re the happy couple that mak
es others want to vomit when they’re around us. We were as bad as Soph and Zach. I loved it. The month and a half that Alex and I were an us made me the happiest person on the planet. I couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for us. A road trip, college, life.

  “Okay.” The words sound so small I repeat them a second time. “Okay.” My body leans into his without me knowing and I hug him. It’s awkward and quick and so not us. He doesn’t even hug me back. He’s scared of touching me. We’re stuck in a place where we want to touch, or at least I do, but are afraid. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. “Thank you,” I whisper.

  I know he’s looking at me but I make myself stare ahead and count the stairs below us. One, two, three, four, five–

  “You never have to thank me, Em.”

  I feel like I do. Thank you for never leaving me I think to myself. After everything, Alex, Sophie, Zach, and our families stuck with me. They were the people who made me understand that I wasn’t to blame for this. I never gave Pierce the wrong idea. He had his own girlfriend, he had a good life. He decided to ruin both of ours that night.

  It was a game to him.

  I wasn’t a person to him.

  I don’t even know what he left behind afterwards.

  The bell for fourth period rings and I stand quickly. I don’t like to linger around Alex because he has this pull and sometimes, when I don’t get lost in my head, it draws me in but he doesn’t feel it. Or he does and he hides it. I think when he looks at me, he sees the girl he failed. I wish he’d see the girl he continues to save.

  Alex and I walk toward Calculus with a foot of space between us. I wish he’d come closer so I can see how it feels to be that near him again. Every time I try to get in reach, he’ll pull away and look somewhere else. I’ve stopped trying. I’m waiting for him.

  I can’t wait for the moment he stops punishing himself.

  We walk through the door and my eyes land on Cynthia first. She’s always around now, throwing salt in my wounds. I never did a thing to her and yet, I became her favorite victim.

  She’s also Natalia Jones’ best friend. Natalia is Pierce’s girlfriend and unfortunately, she isn’t in this class so Cynthia feels the need to be a mega bitch even more. Natalia keeps her in check when she’s around. She hates that her boyfriend ‘wanted’ me so she doesn’t want to be reminded about it. They’re still together and it makes me sick. Everyone thinks I made up the whole story of ‘having sex’ with Pierce. Natalia welcomes that rumor. No one wants to believe that he’s a rapist or remotely attracted to me to have sex with.