by O. M. Grey
“Deep breaths. Deep breaths.” She rocked back and forth, covering her head with her arms. The knife rested against her back. God! The Xanax should kick in soon. I’ll be fine. I’ll be just fine. In, one-two-three-four, and out, one-two-three-four. In, one-two-three-four, and out one-two-three-four.
Dr. Ray was probably right; an anxiety attack had caused the paranoia because she already felt better. How ridiculous for her to be so freaked.
“I mean really, Marla? He’s just trying to scare you. Abusive SOB.”
She was definitely overreacting.
“Just do what you would normally do in the morning. No need to freak out.”
She laughed at herself as she made her coffee, and soon percolating sounds and delicious, fresh aroma of brewed java filled the room. Her eyelids drooped a little as she poured her first cup. The Xanax kicked into full gear. She felt relaxed and rather tired. It had been a long, exciting night after all. Was it really over? She couldn’t fathom never seeing him again, watching him smile, making her laugh, kissing those soft lips. But the comfortable chemical-induced calm allowed her momentary peace.
“Don’t jump to any conclusions, Marla.” Talking to herself often soothed her, allowing the thoughts to come out rather than bounce around in her brain driving her crazier. “I’m sure everything is fine. Just be glad he didn’t see that level of crazy. Don’t panic. Not yet. No need to panic yet.”
She sipped her coffee again and moved over to the large, living room window. At first, she just parted the curtains a sliver, peeking through them into the morning. It had snowed during the night, and a beautiful white blanket covered everything. It was Sunday, so many cars were still on the streets as all their owners slept in. Only a few tire treads marred the otherwise pristine white. It was a perfect morning.
“I love Xanax,” she sighed.
After sliding the curtains all the way open to let in the sunshine, she settled down on the sofa, pulled her lap blanket over her legs, and gazed out the window. Across the street some children were up playing in the snow. They had already formed the bottom of a snowman and were working together to roll the middle. A blue bird settled on a tree limb just outside. He held a worm in his beak. A car turned the corner and slid a little, but regained control before hitting the curb. On the top of the adjacent building, a glint caught her eye, like sun reflecting off glass.
Poetry
You belong in the darkness with me.
You belong in the darkness with me.
Steal away to the darkness with me.
Together we will banish all light
And hold each other through the pain.
Together we will kindle the fire
To illuminate the darkness
Within and around and throughout us.
You belong in the darkness with me.
Steal away to the darkness with me.
Kiss me there, when I cannot see you,
When I can only feel your lips,
When I can only feel your hands
Caress me, tease me, and taunt me.
Whisper that it’s only a dream.
You belong in the darkness with me.
Steal away to the darkness with me.
Let’s slip away out of this time,
To one where you can breathe my name,
To one where you can whisper ‘My Darling,’
Where our secret passion may prevail,
Where we revel in our darkest dreams.
You belong in the darkness with me.
All I See Is Your Absence
When I awake each morning,
I do not see the sunrise.
I do not see autumn leaves
Swirling around in the breeze.
All I see is your absence.
My ears, deaf to the birds’ song,
Deaf to the wind in the trees.
They cannot hear the music
Of the life surrounding me.
All they hear is your silence.
My mind returns to your lips,
But I no longer feel them.
My skin, longing for your touch,
Has forgotten your caress.
All it feels is your distance.
I start a new empty day
Hoping to fill it with you
Hoping to find a way back
To see the heat in your eyes,
But all I see is your absence.
If I Had Known...
If I had known it would be the last
I would have held you longer,
Slipping my arms around you,
Pulling you close to me, too,
Placing my cheek on your chest,
Stroking your hair, watching you rest.
If I had only known.
If I had known it would fade so fast
I would have kissed you deeper,
Absorbing your lips’ softness,
Losing myself in your kiss.
Drinking in all your desire,
Refusing to quench the fire.
If I had only known.
If I had known it would be the last
I would have stayed through the night,
Holding on to every breath
As if it would mean my death
To let you go.
If I had only known.
Reality.
No more dreams.
This is my reality now.
Alone. In the dark
Crouching in the driveway
Night after night at 3am
With only a cigarette and the cold wind
To keep me company.
The loss consumes me.
This is my reality now.
No note or text or email or message
To say “I miss you” or “Let’s find a way.”
Nothing but the dark and the cold,
Nothing but my shame and regret
To keep me company.
He has been over me for weeks
Cuddled up, asleep with her
But I cannot sleep.
My pain wakes me
Night after night at 3am.
This is my reality.
Love’s Unrelenting Claw
Love’s unrelenting claw
Gripped tightly around my heart
Squeezing out the life
Suffocating
Pounding
Ripping
Tearing
Its fervent fingers refusing to let go,
Forcing my weakened heart to beat & pulse within its grasp
Bulging out between bony knuckles
Struggling to survive
Bleeding
Weeping
Begging to be released.
The Pain You Caused
Do you feel the pain you caused?
Do you cry. Do you crumple into a ball?
Grasping at the wall?
Shaking, shivering, cutting?
Remember how you said
To get used to being pleased by you?
To get used to catching my breath?
No pleasure. Only pain, emptiness, gasping for breath.
Breakdown.
After Breakdown.
After Breakdown.
Remember my thighs?
The ones you said you would kill for?
The ones you lay between to taste me?
Their longing is now revealed in long, bloody cuts.
Do you feel the pain you caused?
Relationship Articles
These articles were originally posted on O. M. Grey’s blog “Caught in the Cogs” at http://omgrey.wordpress.com. More relationship articles can be found there.
Polyamory as an Alternative to Infidelity
“That doesn’t work.”
No doubt, if you have heard someone talk about “polyamory,” or any of the terms describing open marriage or non-monogamous relationships, and especially if you have suggested it to your spouse or girlfriend, you likely heard those words.
“That doe
sn’t work.”
Discussion over. Next.
The harsh truth about marriages in today’s society is that nearly 50% of them end in divorce, largely due to infidelity. Second marriages, in which one would thought they had avoided the pitfalls that ended their first marriage, have a 60% divorce rate. Third marriages? 75% divorce rate.1
Perhaps monogamy doesn’t work. Certainly not for everybody. That said, alternative lifestyles like Polyamory don’t work for everyone either. Couples are like snowflakes: no two are alike. What works for one couple may not work for another. There is not a magic tool that will fix all marriages, but it helps to have as many tools in your toolbox as possible; that is, if your goal is to have a healthy, happy marriage.
As a society, we pride ourselves on our “family values.” We fall in love and get married. We buy a house. We have kids. We build our career. We join a church or social group. We are living the American Dream... until it turns into a nightmare.
“Love,” that euphoric feeling and rush of desire so common at the beginning of a new relationship, always fades. It. Always. Fades. There are no exceptions to this. You may be reading this saying to yourself, “Not my marriage, because I still feel a rush when my wife kisses me! Not my relationship! It won’t fade.”
It will.
The average length of time for that “in love” feeling to last in a primary relationship is two years.2 Which means you may be in your fifth year of wedded bliss, still getting excited watching your wife get dressed in the morning, but someone else has lost it in their first year. Perhaps even before their first year.
It fades. It’s a fact of life. That feeling of euphoria fades, and there is nothing wrong with that. Too many couples think that the “honeymoon is over” when that fades or that it must not have been true love, but that is not the case. It was very real, but it was just the first step. A deeper connection and a more beautiful love come after that. Something real. Something that lasts. Something that is not just based on brain chemicals and hormones. True intimacy, if you are willing to do the work to establish that.
Recently, when discussing polyamory with a friend, he said to me, “But it’s just so much easier to cheat and lie about it.” We had a conversation about polyamory years ago when my husband and I first were experimenting with an open marriage. This friend said his wife would never go for it, but he did bring it up in passing one day. Her response was: “That doesn’t work.”
End of discussion.
Two years later, he had an affair. His wife is blissfully ignorant of it, but if and when she finds out--and let’s face it, they usually do--she will feel devastated and betrayed. And she should, because he betrayed her trust. He betrayed their vows. He lied to her, and the greatest pain is in the deception, not the sex. He adores his wife. I know it doesn’t seem like it, because he did cheat on her, but he does.
Perhaps the greatest problem with the monogamy model is that it does not leave room for personal growth and personal satisfaction. The monogamy model shows us that once you are married you stay married...or you get divorced. Or, of course, you cheat. But then, you are no longer monogamous.
Desire happens. Even love sometimes just happens. Usually when you least expect it and even if you don’t want it. Another fact of life. We are sexual beings. Sex to most men and many, many women (more than you’d think!) is as essential a need as food, water, and shelter. Sex, after several years of marriage, can fall to the wayside because the comfort and security are there. The kids. PTA meetings. Career. Day care. Housekeeping. After all the maintenance of life, sex falls to the side. Where once you had sex daily or at least weekly, now weeks or even months may go by without sex.
Then one day it happens. You’re off on a business trip, or at the office, and you notice someone in that way. She notices you, too. You feel seen. You feel attractive and interesting and desirable, all those things that your wife truly knows but no longer seems to notice. Is this woman better? Younger? Sexier? More beautiful than your wife? Not necessarily. In fact, unlikely. She’s merely different. New.
So. What are your choices? Deny your own desires, or worse, your heart if you’ve fallen “in love”? This can mean to emotionally castrate yourself, which can actually cause physical ailments.3 Your other choice, the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your wife, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages. It always does. It is biology.
Here is a third option: Polyamory.
Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your wife. Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship.
For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your wife about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.
You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love her and how you would never leave her. Tell her that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid she will think something is going on, but that is precisely WHY you are telling her, to reassure her that there isn’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be telling her.
This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling her about this attraction you are 1) at least partially diffusing the situation at work (by hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new woman, and, worse, deceiving your wife) and, 2) making yourself vulnerable before your wife. Tell her that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell her that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell her that it has inspired you to want to make her feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt her or your family.
Ask if she feels threatened. If she does, then address that by reassuring her again. There is no place for anger here. If she get’s angry, then it is likely because she is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your wife’s fears. Likely, her fear is that you are going to leave her. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.
In my next article, I will be addressing 5 myths about polyamory:
Casual sex with whomever/whenever
Something must be wrong with your marriage to want to open it up
It’s only about sex or It’s only about love
My spouse isn’t enough for me, so I must look elsewhere
It doesn’t work
Dispelling 5 Myths about Polyamory
Polyamory is not just about sex.
Polyamory is not just about love, although it is more about love than it is about sex.
Polyamory is not Swinging.
Polyamory is about being in an emotionally (and possibly sexual) open and honest relationship. It’s about knowing who you are. It’s about knowing who your spouse or significant other (SO) is. Completely. Intimately.
It’s about facing your fears and listening to your SO’s fears.
It’s about building true intimacy. And that in itself can be terrifying. To build true intimacy, you have to remove all masks, and we all wear masks to one degree or another out in the world. We are often many people. We play the role of employee or professional. We play the role of parent. We play the role of church or society member. We play the role of friend or acquai
ntance. But with our intimate relationship(s), we must find the courage to remove those masks and show our SO who we truly are. That’s terrifying.
Utterly and completely terrifying.
But the rewards are well worth the risk, and the alternative is living a lie in constant fear of your SO finding out who you truly are. That is no way to live, but it is most certainly a way to ensure you create, at best, a loveless marriage where you grow further and further apart over the years, and at worst, infidelity, divorce, abandonment, and loss.
Five Prevalent Myths about Polyamory:
1. Polyamory = Swinging: Casual sex with whomever, whenever.
Many people think of swinging when they hear the word polyamory or “open marriage,” and that is not necessarily true. Swinging, also a valid lifestyle choice, is about sex. It’s about a lot of sex with a lot of different people. Sometimes together as a couple, sometimes on your own. Normally, people who are swingers have a free pass from their spouse/SO to have sex with whomever/whenever they want, as long as it’s just sex. Swinging is like polyamory in the way that they both rely on openness and honesty in the primary relationship.
Polyamory, as I’ve stated in my first article, can mean many different things, depending on the couple. The foundation for it is an open and honest relationship. (In my next article, I’ll show you some techniques on how to open a discussion with your SO, so you can create open and honest intimacy.) Mostly, it’s about love in all forms. It’s about embracing love. It’s about acknowledging love and desire. It’s about loving yourself and loving your SO, and maybe loving others as well. It’s a firm belief that *love breeds more love* and *desire breeds more desire.* There is no such thing as loving too much. There is no such thing as loving one person less so you can love another more. Love breeds love.