by O. M. Grey
Take the example from my first article: a special someone in the workplace enters your life and you find the courage to talk with your SO about it, building trust and intimacy for doing so. Just think how wonderful and *loved* you will feel when your SO accepts you for who you are. After the shock and jealousy and fear is worked through, there is love beneath. And you will love your SO more for accepting you. They will love you more for being honest and trusting them with your heart.
More about this in the next article.
2. Something must be wrong with your marriage to want to open it.
Quite the contrary, actually. Something must be very *right* with your marriage to feel safe enough to explore other options. It means you both are mature enough to understand that one person cannot fulfill your every need, every day for the rest of your life...and you are secure enough in your relationship to own that and not to be threatened by it. It’s understanding that you do not own each other. You have chosen to build a life and family together. You do not have to jeopardize either to be true to yourself.
3. It’s only about sex, or it’s only about love.
Polyamory is about honesty and emotional openness. It is about knowing each other completely. Forget mystery. I once had a friend who thought the key to a successful relationship was maintaining mystery. Balderdash. Mystery is great for attraction and building initial desire, etc.; but that is only in the first stage of love. If you choose to, you can find a deeper love and understanding through truly knowing each other, deeply. Completely.
Trying to keep mystery in a primary, long term relationship is a perfect way to wake up to a stranger in another five years, if not sooner.
As far as the rules for sex and/or love with people outside your marriage (SO2, SO3, etc.), that is entirely up to each individual couple. It will come down to what each couple is comfortable with. Likely, you will start slow and experiment with desire. For instance, the “get your appetite worked up elsewhere but eat at home” idea. Go out. Flirt. Toy...perhaps even kiss. It’s up to you and your spouse to see just how far you want to play at first. Then come back home and devour each other with renewed fervor.
It might be where one spouse says “do what you want, but I don’t want to know the details.” It might be kissing only. It might be no sexual contact at all. It might be anything except intercourse. There are dozens and dozens of scenarios. It’s up to you and your spouse to decide what is okay and what is not.
This will all come down to how each couple defines sex (i.e. actual intercourse=sex, oral sex, sexual situations, kissing, etc. I’ll cover this in a future article). Whatever you decide in your primary relationship, then experiment. All the while checking in with your spouse often to ensure s/he does not feel threatened or jealous. If they do, address that. Reassure them again that you are not going to leave. Reassure them that they and your family mean more to you than anything and they always always always come first. Let them know how much you appreciate and love them for allowing you to satisfy your own needs without judgment. Find a safe place to be together. The love you find there will be unlike that you have ever known. And that is not scary. It’s beautiful.
4. Your spouse isn’t enough for you, so you must look elsewhere.
There are countless reasons to open your marriage/primary relationship. Just a few off the top of my head: you have different appetites, you have different levels of need, you have different styles. One polycouple I know opened up because the wife had tendencies toward the BDSM spectrum, but the husband did not. She did not love him less because of it. He did not love her less because of it. They just have different needs. They recognized it. They loved each other despite it. They opened up and learned that not only did their love and desire for each other grow, but they were both getting their own needs met as well. Love breeds love. Desire breeds desire.
Compare it to something undeniably biological, like diabetes. A person with diabetes needs insulin injections for their body to work properly. Do they fault their SO for not needing insulin injections? No. Their biological needs are different.
The same is true with emotional issues, which unfortunately still carry too much of a stigma in our society. The truth is, most emotional/mental disorders are in fact *biological,* but instead of the need being elsewhere in the body, it’s in the brain. Say your spouse is clinically depressed. They have an imbalance of serotonin in their brain, and they must be medicated to correct the imbalance. Does your spouse fault you for not needing medication? No.
Biological difference.
Sexual need is extremely biological, and it also takes place in the brain, in the levels of hormones and other chemicals. (Again, Sex at Dawn is a brilliant resource for the biological ties to human sexuality.) Some men, especially, have unbelievably high amounts of testosterone. This can act like a drug. While they’re “high” on testosterone, all reason goes out the window. They are not themselves. Similarly in women, there can be hormonal fluctuations that cause them to behave differently as well. It’s biology. It’s not one’s fault. It’s not something they choose. It just is.
This brings us to libido. Perhaps you and your spouse have different libidinal needs. Perhaps your drive is much higher than theirs. Perhaps theirs is much higher than yours. Perhaps you need more variety or more adventure or are just *freakier* than your spouse. No blame. It just is. It’s biology.
Polyamory is understanding these differences and loving each other despite them. It’s about understanding that you don’t own each other, but rather you each have chosen to build a life and family together. Consider how much more love you would feel for your spouse if they understood this about you and allowed you to satisfy your needs, without jeopardizing your marriage and family. Because they are two very different things.
5. It doesn’t work.
It can work, at least as well as monogamy works if not better. It works when you can be honest with yourself and honest with your SO(s). It works for thousands of couples, triads, and quads. It is not easy, but then no relationship worth having is ever easy. Relationships are work. Your primary relationship is work, and if you decide to have a secondary or tertiary relationship, they are also work. But love and relationships with other people are what make this life worth living. Throughout this series, I’m going to be interviewing polyamorous couples, triads, and quads to see how they make it work for them.
In my next article, I will talk about what to expect if you decide to bring the subject up with your SO, and how to handle their possible responses. Ultimately, all this is about being true to yourself and being true to your SO. If you live in denial and fear, you will end up resenting your SO and destroying your relationship. Isn’t it worth the risk to face your fears and build a marriage strong enough to withstand anything? Do yourself, your SO, and your marriage a favor and find the courage to build true intimacy. Don’t become another divorce statistic.
Talking to Your SO About Polyamory
Let’s first cover how not to talk to your Significant Other (SO).
“Honey, I’m home! By the way, what do you think about opening our marriage?”
“I’ve decided that I want to fuck other people. Whaddya think?”
“I’m just not getting what I need from you, so I’m going to join a Swingers club.”
“Ever hear of Polyamory? It’s where I can have sex with other people. No, you can’t, just I can. Pass the potatoes please?”
Etcetera.
Yesterday on Facebook an old friend that I hadn’t seen in years contacted me. It was really great to reconnect with him. Nice guy. Mid-twenties. Volunteering in Africa. I didn’t even bring up the subject of relationships, but I think it’s a rather lonely existence for him there. He went on to tell me how he watches relationships begin and end down there with the other volunteers, and they mostly end because of communication problems and fear. Then he said something very profound. Simple, but profound.
“If you can’t say ‘hey, let’s try this’ to your
partner, who can you say it to?”
Bingo.
Your partner. Your husband or wife. Your SO. They are the closest person to you on this planet, or at least they should be. That’s the whole point.
Lover. Confidant. Best Friend. Your SO is your everything. Your SO is your world. They are with whom you share your joys and your sorrows, your hopes and your fears. They are the person you can trust most in this world.
That’s what make relationships work well. Closeness.
If you are so afraid of them leaving to even bring up a suggestion, then you truly need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. A suggestion, broached tenderly and lovingly, will not ever be the trigger for abandonment in an honest and trusting relationship. If you are in this place, where something cannot even be suggested without fear of abandonment and divorce, then other steps have to take place first. I will cover this in my next article “Healing Your Relationship.”
If you aren’t willing to do this, if you just say “cheating and lying is so much easier,” then you are headed down a path that will not only destroy your marriage, it will also destroy you, your spouse, your children, and any one with whom you get involved. It’s a world of pain that can be avoided with a little introspection and work, both of which will lead you to a more fulfilling and loving relationship with your spouse/SO and your family.
Please don’t be in denial about your needs. You increase the chances of destroying your marriage/relationship by living in denial and telling yourself “It can’t happen to me.”
It can happen to you.
Now, back to the subject at hand: talking to your SO about Polyamory.
Expect suspicion.
Expect fear.
Expect tears.
This is not an easy subject to broach; however, if it is something you feel is for you, then it has to be discussed. If you find yourself cheating, wanting to cheat, trying to cheat, or just truly unfulfilled, then you owe it to yourself and your spouse to come clean and bridge the ever-widening gap that’s growing between you.
If approached lovingly and consciously, there is no reason why there should be tears or the rest, but expect them anyway. Expect the worst and be prepared to deal with it. It will likely bring up a lot of your SO’s own abandonment fears, and they are valid fears! It will likely bring up jealousy and possibly even rage. These, too, are valid emotions that are not to be dismissed. They must be worked through.
Do not get defensive.
Do not get angry.
Do not get accusatory.
Be calm. Be loving. Be reassuring. Be gentle.
Start by creating a space where you and your SO can talk without interruptions.
There are many ways to start. For example, if this is your or your spouses 2nd or 3rd marriage, and the previous ones ended because of infidelity, that is a perfect place to start: your fears of failing at marriage.
“I know things ended badly with <1st spouse’s name>, and I don’t want to see that happen to us. I love you more than anything, and I want to be closer to you. I want to be able to say anything to you without fear of judgment or abandonment, and I want you to be able to say anything to me. So many marriages end in divorce because of infidelity, and every time I hear another story, I hear things like ‘it just happened’ or ‘one day everything was fine, the next it wasn’t.’ I just want to be proactive about this, and instead of being in denial and saying that it can’t happen to us, I want to take steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen to us.”
If you know someone whose marriage has recently ended because of this, or you know someone having an affair, this is also a great way of starting that conversation.
If you have had a recent scare with illness or an accident in your family, either you, your SO, or one of your children, refer to that and express your fears about losing your family or doing something to screw things up. Emphasize that you need to be able to talk with your SO and be open so as things don’t fester inside.
Another possibility:
“Lately I feel like we’ve been growing apart, and I don’t want that to happen. You mean everything to me, and I want us to be close again. I want you to tell me something very scary to you, and no matter what it is, I promise to listen without judgment. Because I’m committed to making this work between us, so you can tell me anything without fear. Then, I will tell you something, and I hope you will listen without judgment, too.”
If you mention the fact that you’ve been attracted to another, or if they do, then you take that in stride. If you feel angry or sad or hurt or scared, then say that instead of acting out.
Do not say: “How dare you! How can you do this to me?”
Say: “I feel hurt by what you just said, and I don’t really understand. Could you please explain it further?”
If they say to you: “How dare you! You want to fuck this other wo/man! After all I’ve done for you!”
Don’t react in anger back. Hold them, if they’ll let you, and reassure them that you are not leaving them. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to act on these thoughts, but you wanted to express them in order to diffuse them, in order to be open and honest because you respect them.
Say: “I hear that you are hurt, and it is very understandable as this must be shocking. Just know that I love you. You are my world. You are my wife/husband, and I would never cheat on you. But those feelings/urges (whatever) are there, and I want to be open with you about them.”
The goal here is to communicate fully. To know each other completely.
Stay away from accusatory language like “you did this,” and try to stick with lovingly expressing how you feel. Because you only know how you feel.
This will be the first of many, many, many conversations. This isn’t a one time thing. This is opening up a new world and a new level of intimacy for you and your SO. There will be a lot of talking. Learn to communicate with each other. If sharing your fears worked, then do that every week. Plan a time to sit together, even something romantic like a bubble bath surrounded by candles, and just talk about very scary, very deep things.
If you found the courage to bring up your attraction this time and your spouse took it in stride, then tell them *how much more you love them because they allowed you to be you without judgment.* As you get closer, you can take the suggestion to the next level, experimenting.
As you go down this path, there is only more love waiting for you.
I recently read a book titled: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. In it, she claims that most people only use a fraction of their capacity to give and receive love, and I tend to agree.
I am an extremely emotionally intense person with a great capacity to give and receive love. I have such a capacity to love that I can fill my husband’s “love tank,”* then fill up an SO2’s “love tank,” and still have love left over for more. This is frightening to some people, but I have never understood being afraid of love. A dear friend recently gifted me a Star Sapphire Ring because of my special powers of love. :) Thanks, Dr. Q!
Remember:
Love breeds love. Desire breeds desire. <83
You have everything to gain if you can find the courage to take the next step.
-_Q
*“Love Tank” is a term used in The 5 Languages of Love, highly recommended book to learn how to most effectively show love to your SO(s).
Healing Your Relationship
You may be thinking that your relationship with your spouse, significant other (SO), lover, potential lover, or special friend is too far gone. It’s not. The staying power of love is profound. If you love someone, then it’s never too late to express that. If you love someone, step up and do the scary thing. Face rejection. Face pain. Bare your soul and show them who you really are. A deep connection happens too rarely to bury it and deny it.
First a few words of wisdom from Dr. Phil (I know. I know. But it’s relevant.)
Dr. Phil: “There’s a 50/50 chance a marriage is
going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That’s with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you’ve got here is he’s running the other way in the field! So if it’s 50/50 when you’re running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?”
First thing to ask yourself is whether you are running toward your SO and intimacy or whether you are running away and/or hiding in the woods. If it’s the former, is your SO also running towards you, or do you feel like they’re running away/hiding? If it’s the latter, then stop, turn around, and head back toward your SO. Or don’t. But it is up to you to heal your relationship. No one else can, especially if you have either been the one running away or *perceived* by your beloved as running away.
As I mentioned in a previous post, you can use your fears to get closer to your SO. Everyone has fears, and the most basic fear for anyone in a loving relationship, whether that is a marriage or just a special friend with whom you feel that indescribable connection, is abandonment. We are all afraid of being left, the horrible feeling of being tossed to the side as if one never mattered. This is the fear that must be quelled again and again. In a broken relationship, the smallest thing can feel like an abandonment, like silence for a few days or not returning phone calls or texts or just living around each other instead of really talking. When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable and hormonal, something as silly as my husband falling asleep while we’re watching a movie can stir up fears of abandonment, and this is after 12 years. Now I am quite confident my husband would not truly abandon me, as we are quite close; but fears are not rational. They are very irrational, but they are also very real to the person that has them.