Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse

by M. D. Cooper

  “Nope. Just heard of them is all. I’ve been around the universe a lot longer than you and I’ve also travelled across many more worlds—”

  “Save me the worlds’ traveler routine. Just say no. For once in your life, just say, ‘No, Ari, I have no idea how to help, even though I’ve been alive for eons and been to dozens of different worlds. Because when push comes to shove, I really am quite useless in a pinch.’”

  “Has anybody ever told you that you get really crabby in the midst of a crisis?” Soda asked. “And useless, like I was against that entire space fleet? Who saved our ass then?”

  “Who killed Spika?” Ari retorted.

  “Fleek.”

  “Yeah, but it was my idea,” Ari said. “Stop distracting me.” She fed the picture and the relevant info into the computer, casting worried glances over her shoulder. The ghosts were mostly massing outside of the galley and hissing at Kirian’s Stingr light sword, which was apparently mesmerizing them. Weird.

  Chapter 4

  For a brief moment, Kirian missed fighting Soda’s holographic weapons. At least those had the decency to be full size and come in waves like a video game. These stupid ghosts actually liked her sword. They were taking all the fun out of fighting. And her arm was getting tired. Most of the time, she could use her sword to cut down the enemies and they would stay down. They never hovered there glaring at her with glowing eyes and sharp, pointy teeth. She had been in deep space a very long time and had never come across any creatures like this. The more she swung, the closer in they got, with no sign of backing off. Kirian was fine now, but she would eventually wear down if there was no way to win. Winning was what she was used to. I’m Kirian, Destroyer of Planets. I can’t go down like this. “Ari, we’re not going to last long forever.”

  She doubted that her curved, steel sword would have any more impact than the Stingr, which meant that she was very nearly out of ideas. She had already used a ray gun and a light sword. She took a swing at the closest purple spectre, hoping to connect. Of course, she knew on some level that it was never going to work, the opponent being a ghost and all, but she figured if they could bite and injure and draw blood then there had to be some way to injure them.

  The right hook that should have connected swung right through the ghost and didn’t do any damage. What it did do was cause Kirian’s momentum to draw her out of the galley and into the open.

  They pounced. A green wraith chomped down on her left forearm. “MOTHER—”

  “Here!” Ari yelled to Kirian. She threw an object, luckily toward her right hand. Kirian caught it. It was a phone.

  “Who exactly am I supposed to call, Ari?” Kirian asked sarcastically.

  “Lay the phone on the ground and back away,” Ari said.

  Kirian did what she asked. “Ok, but so many of your plans don’t make any sense at all to me,” Kirian added.

  Much to her surprise, the ghosts pounced on the phone. Everybody watched to see what would happen next. Except for Ari, who was for some reason busy going through all of the drawers in the room. Kirian watched Ari to see what she was doing since the ghosts seemed distracted.

  “Can you people keep it down a little, I’m trying to make some money here,” Soda yelled to all of them.

  Ari was practically in Soda’s lap opening drawers.

  “What in stars name are you looking for? Get out of my way,” Soda said.

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling.

  “Old electronics,” Ari said, “hopefully something with more charge left in it than that burner phone.”

  “Hey, that was mine,” Drexyl objected.

  “Look, if I’m right, the phone will be fine, just completely drained of charge. These things will attack us only if they can’t get their primary source of nutrition.”

  “Electricity,” Kirian said, observing the ghosts hungrily sucking the essence out of the phone. “Ari, I think you’re right. And I think we’re going to need some more juice really soon. They still look hungry.”

  “Your light sword,” Ari said. “They like it because it has a battery pack, it should distract them while I can find some more electronics. Come on, people, give them what you’ve got. Cell phones, communicators, tablets. Don’t worry, it won’t damage them, they’ll just feed off of them until they’re drained and move on.”

  “Those things are nothing more than electricity parasites?” Soda asked.

  Kirian continued to wave the Stingr at the hungry ghosts, backing her way into the galley. Several were now taking swipes at her with their gaping jaws. “Hey Ari, it would be great if you could hurry.”

  “Drexyl, grab any electronic devices with a battery from the galley, toss them out.”

  “It makes perfect sense,” Ari yelled, “which is why they aren’t attacking me or Soda, because we aren’t carrying cell phones or any other devices.”

  “Why aren’t they attacking the console?”

  “The console doesn’t run on battery. I think they could sense the console and all of the juice through the ship and that’s why they were banging, trying to get in. But they can’t feed on it so they got frustrated.”

  Drexyl screamed. Kirian watched as he put his phone down and slid it out the door of the galley and into the middle of the room. Again, they all pounced. “Hey, Ari,” he asked, “how much juice do these things need in order to leave us alone? And what kind of life force just drifts around deep space waiting to pounce parasitically on people and drink their electronics?”

  ”I don’t know. I’m looking it up now,” Ari said.

  “Take your time,” Kirian said, “really, this is easy. And I’m barely bleeding at all.”

  “We can switch places if you want,” Ari replied.

  “No, no. You do you,” Kirian said.

  “All of you shut up,” Soda yelled.

  Ari ignored Soda, even though she was sitting right next to her.

  “Wait, if my calculations are correct, I think it’s going to get better in a minute,” Ari said.

  Everybody looked to see if there would be a change. There was. The ghosts finished feeding on Drexyl’s phone. They looked up. They rushed Kirian, knocked her down, and continued on into the galley.

  Every ghost in the room swarmed back onto Drexyl.

  “AAAIIIIIIAAAAIIIII,” Drexyl yelled, “not the face!”

  He jumped up from his spot and ran out of the galley, probably in a bid to get them to latch onto somebody else. They picked Kirian again. Or more specifically, her Stingr light sword.

  “NO!” Kirian yelled. “That’s my favorite one.” She reached a hand over to retrieve it from the midst of the feeding wraiths, but Ari stopped her.

  “No. Kirian. Let them have it. The special internalized battery in that thing could feed a dozen of them for a month.”

  “But it’s not rechargeable,” Kirian objected.

  “You can buy a new one later.”

  They watched in silence as the small horde sucked in the electricity from the weapon until it no longer glowed. Then they backed up.

  “What happens now?” Kirian asked.

  Already, they looked different though. Their eyes had far away expressions and their edges were fuzzy instead of sharp. Kirian wondered what it all meant.

  “Hey, look at them,” Ari said. “That’s a good sign. Fuzzy edges mean they are full.”

  The ghosts let go of the now dead Stingr light sword and drifted away, in all directions, until they had faded out of the ship entirely and out into space.

  Kirian ran to the window. From the space ship, the ghosts now looked like different colored jellyfish drifting into deep space. They were actually quite beautiful.

  “Let me get this straight,” Drexyl said. “They get to just come in here uninvited, suck our devices until they’re dead, and float off into space scot free?”

  “What do you want to do?” Ari asked. “Go back and get them and bring them back so you can yell at them?”

  “Fine,” he said, looking h
imself over. “I am going to need a few Band-Aids though.”

  ***

  “No way. I can’t believe that worked,” Soda said, looking at Ari.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be making a bunch of money fleecing overlord wannabes?” Ari asked.

  Then she turned to Fleek. “Fleek, how long until we can warp? That is, if it’s okay to warp now that they’re gone,” Ari asked.

  “I don’t see why not,” answered Fleek, coming out of his corner hiding place in the galley. “I’m pretty sure the last of them are gone now.” Fleek joined Ari and Soda at the ship’s console.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Soda said, “won’t my vlog be interrupted if we warp?”

  Another loud bang rocked the ship. Apparently, not all of the ghosts had gotten the meal.

  “Sooner rather than later, Fleek!” Ari yelled.

  Then Ari appeared in front of Soda’s face on the screen again. “Hello. We apologize for the interruption, but very soon there will be a very slight ten to fifteen second pause in the vlog. Then she’ll continue telling all of you overlord wannabes the tricks of the trade so that you can enslave us all, ok? Why don’t you guys go grab a cookie or something and she’ll be right back.”

  Soda pushed Ari out of the way. Fleek put in some new coordinates, and they warped. They arrived in another position in space that could have been a carbon copy of the first one, only without the interstellar ghost swarm.

  “The view hasn’t improved any.” Soda sniffed, attempting to reconnect her vlog.

  “What did you expect? Vega?” Ari asked her, but did not expect an answer, she looked around out of different windows to make sure that everything was clear. It was.

  Soda reconnected her vlog and continued.

  “Okay,” Ari announced, “you ready, Fleek? We have that Master Oracle Holiday Special Infomercial taping at Ray’s, remember?”

  “Oh yeah. See you guys later,” Fleek said.

  “Bye, guys,” Drexyl said.

  “Have fun, you guys,” Kirian called out.

  “I hate all of you,” Soda said.

  ***

  “Okay,” Soda said. “At least that distraction is over. I’m back, people. No more space ghosts, and no more Fleek and Ari to distract us.” She turned to peek behind her. “Right. And only Kirian and Drexyl are left, and they look like they’re going to lick their wounds or whatever. Where was I again?”

  Bling. The next stage after the planning stage.

  Nerd, Soda thought.

  “Oh yeah, now we’re implementing. Very fun. I’ve got to say, few things in life are more fun than putting a good plan into action. I mean, the possibilities are endless.”

  Over the screen, Soda could see another ship. She was pretty sure that it wasn’t there when they warped. That can’t be good. “Hey, Kirian? What’s the deal with that ship over there?’

  Drexyl and Kirian approached to look out the window.

  “Uh-oh, Soda,” Drexyl said, “you’re not going to like this at all.” He tapped some instructions into the console in order to magnify the ship on the screen. “I told you it was risky to do that stupid vlog, looks like he found you.”

  “Who?” she asked again, moving Drexyl out of her way and elevating herself higher so she could see. “Oh stars.”

  “Mantix,” said Kirian, summing everything up. Indeed, there was a large Preying Mantis Head logo on the front of the ship.

  “On screen,” Kirian said, as they were hailed.

  “No!” Soda yelled, “Don’t hail. I’m in the middle of a vlog. In fact, here,” she said, tapping out instructions to add an additional screen so that they were both up at the same time. “Talk is cheap people, why not show you how it’s done? Right here, right now. In case any of you are living under a rock, Mantix, or Floyd as he’s known to the people who hate him, is now the acting Overlord of the galaxy.”

  Floyd’s boring face popped up onto the screen.

  “See?” Soda asked her vlog people. “Ugly, boring, common. And the galaxy is seriously getting screwed up right now, all thanks to this guy.” She thought about it for a moment. “In fact, if anything, I guess that fact should give even you guys some hope.”

  “Hello, Kirian and Drexyl,” Floyd said.

  “Drop dead or drop zombie or whatever the expression is nowadays,” Kirian said. “Why don’t you come over yourself or are you afraid of me?”

  Floyd leaned in to the screen. “Kirian, Destroyer of Planets! Why, you’re my very favorite minion. You must realize that you are one whispered word away from being under my power.”

  “Man, I can’t wait for you to be dead,” Kirian said. “In fact, I might even help you if it would get me closer to him,” Kirian said to Soda.

  “For the record,” Soda said to her vlog audience, shaking her head, “I don’t need Kirian’s help to do anything.”

  Kirian scowled at her.

  “Well, I’m afraid he’s right,” Soda continued, “you’re simply an Overlord minion warrior twice over now. And if you don’t like that fact, then I simply don’t know what to tell you.”

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling.

  Soda looked down. Her viewers were getting agitated. “Fine, she’s a really, really popular minion. Okay?”

  “Who is it that you’re talking to?” Floyd asked Soda.

  “None of your business,” Soda said, crossing tentacles over her chest.

  “I’m kidding, I know all about your stupid vlog. Desperate for cash, are we?”

  “You take that back, stupid intern.”

  “Was. I was your intern. Now I’m swimming in cash and power. And do you know what the best part of it all is?” He was distracted for a moment by somebody off screen who was talking to him. “Oh yeah, boys,” he said to the other person, “you can go and kill her now, along with anybody else on that ship. What in stars name are you waiting for?” He turned back toward the screen and Soda, Drexyl, and Kirian. “Ok, now where was I?”

  “You were droning on and on,” Soda said, “last I heard it was something about the best part,” Soda said, tapping a tentacle on the console table trying to perfect the most annoying thwomp sound ever.

  Floyd brightened. “Oh yeah, the best part is that I didn’t even need your stupid job to take over the galaxy, I already had this galaxy right where I wanted it. She’s right about that, by the way, boys and girls, you make a plan and you follow it and you adapt and you move forward. And the special skills part is essential. It’s basic common sense, though, really. And how much are you people paying for this?”

  “Shut up, Floyd,” Soda said.

  Soda whirled at the sound behind her, it was a dozen armed men materializing. “Not again. Is this all you got, Floyd? I ought to go over on that ship and take you out myself.”

  He raised a ratty eyebrow at her. “Like you did last time? Before your lair burned down? You didn’t win that fight. Besides, I’m not on that ship, I’m just giving the orders. See, people? I am in charge. I am what real leadership looks like.”

  “Well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, leadership, but you have spinach in your teeth.”

  Chapter 5

  “Fleek, Ari, welcome! Two of my favorite people.”

  Ray crossed the room and came at Ari with a hug. She had to admit, he was nice enough in his own way despite the flowing, opulent, silk robes and the untold wealth and fame. His new stage, if anything, was even more expensive and gaudy than the last one. The one that Ari and Soda had played a hand in destroying not long ago. The new throne was mahogany with a silk overlay, and the carpet was twice as long and luxurious. Ari, as usual, had to fight the instinct to take off her shoes and go barefoot.

  “I’m still really sorry about what happened to your old place,” Ari began.

  “Water under the bridge, my dear. Are you ready for my Holiday Infomercial Spectacular?”

  “That’s why we’re here,” Ari said. The big difference, though, was Fleek was here as a celebrity testimonial
to the Master Oracle’s future telling and advising powers. Which were available twenty-four seven with cash, check, or charge. Ari assumed she was simply here as the hired help. Incredibly well paid hired help, thank goodness. And since it had been months since Ari had a job and therefore an actual paycheck, this job and its money was very welcome indeed. Besides, show biz, even infomercials, was pretty exciting.

  “These holiday specials are always off the charts as far as revenue,” Ray continued. “After all, the Holidays is when people start looking back, reflecting, and thinking about the future. Then they realize that they need a little bit of a boost. Oh, where are my manners.” He clapped his hands and servants appeared with food and drinks. Ari helped herself to an appetizer and a drink.

  She took a sip. Something was missing. There were cameramen everywhere, and television crew members setting things up. It took her a minute to figure out what was wrong. “Hey, Ray, where’s your troll?”

  Ray pointed to a giant door just off of stage left. “He hides in there during taping. As you, know, he can be excitable and disruptive.”

  “So, he’s really more of a pet than a bodyguard, eh? I truly apologize for putting him in danger when we were trying to keep the entire Galaxy from being destroyed. It’s not my fault that you described him as a bodyguard. Besides, when you’re not worried about collateral damage, then he really is very helpful. If you point him in the right direction.”

  “Fine,” he answered, “you’re right. Found him on the side of the road, intergalactically speaking. He was orphaned off of Vigron Six and I found him as a tiny kid. He was so cute, then. Couldn’t just leave him there, and I’ve had him ever since. And he’s a decent bodyguard because he scares that stars out of everybody he meets. You should probably pop in and say hi. He likes you a lot.”

  Ari decided to say hi as Ray had suggested. After all, it couldn’t hurt to be on the good side of a troll, especially since she had thrown him into danger not so long ago. For the sake of bygones and all. Fleek took a step also, probably intending to join her.