Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse
Page 35
Porty replied, his mental tone a near wail.
“Dock, dock, I meant ‘dock’,” Porty replied quickly.
“Dock, hmmmm? Fine, I suppose that makes more sense. Well, if you can’t dock, then I’ll have to meet you. Stay on your current vector. I’ll be at your main airlock in ten minutes.”
“Well, our reactor is offline, so—” Porty began, and then stopped himself.
“You making fun of me? Think I don’t get that?” Him asked.
“No, no, sir—Him,” Porty stammered. “We’ll stay on course.”
“Good,” Him replied, then paused for a moment before continuing. “Wait. Why are you telling me this, Porty? Where’s Bimmy?”
“I, uh…knocked him out.”
“Oh yeah?” Him asked, a note of curiosity in his voice. “Why’s that?”
“Err…’cause he’s a dick, and I wanted his cut?” Porty asked.
Him didn’t respond for another few moments, and then a burst of laughter came over the comms. “Oh, that’s rich. He is a right asshole, yes, but he’s also very useful down on Neverevereverland™ Station. You didn’t…permanently damage him, did you?”
“Oh, no,” Porty replied quickly. “He’ll be fine. He just breathed in a few too many mop fumes.”
“I don’t even want to know what that means.”
“No,” Porty replied. “You really don’t.”
“Whatever. Ten minutes, Porty. Then you get back to Neverevereverland™ Station and tell Bimmy that I’ve put you in charge.”
“Me?” Porty asked.
“Yes, you. Did you think I meant your stupid ship with the pink stripe?”
“No, sir,” Porty replied. “Ten minutes. Got it.”
“Good.” Him cut the signal, and Porty fell back in his chair.
“Oh, shit-damn-crap-argh! I’m going to come face-to-face with Him!”
“Relax,” Girl replied. “I’m almost done fabbing new glass shoes. The bot will bring them up in no time.”
“What do I do with these ones?” Porty asked.
“Uh…stick them in the bathroom. Wrap them in the stinky gym clothes that are on the floor; no one will ever look in those. Including BAMF—she always makes me do her laundry.”
Porty nodded and rushed into the bathroom where he wailed in dismay. “Oh stars, what is that smell? And what are all these straps?”
“You know,” Girl said, passing Porty a grin over the Link. “You should grab those straps. We don’t want Bimmy coming to and ruining our little party.”
A minute later, Porty emerged with a pile of straps and set them down next to Bimmy, who the bots had laid down on the floor next to the sofa. “What am I supposed to do with all these?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never worn clothes before. Stick wears them over her catsuits sometimes.”
“What’s this ball part?” Porty held up a bright pink ball that was connected to some of the straps.
“That’s a gag…though it doesn’t seem to work that well on Stick.”
“She gags herself?” Porty asked with a frown.
“She’s a method pilot,” Girl said with a shrug.
“I really have no idea what you’re talking about,” Porty said as he began to wrap the straps around Bimmy as best he could. After a couple of minutes, he had most of them buckled, and Bimmy’s arms were tight against his sides, and his legs were stuck together.
It was just in the nick of time, too, because Bimmy began to struggle a few seconds later.
“What the! What are you doing, Porty? Why am I all tied up?”
Girl laughed. “You really have to ask?”
“You’re a bad dwarf,” Porty said. “Him is coming aboard, and I can’t have you making a problem.”
“Him! He’s coming here?” Bimmy asked, his eyes filling with terror.
“Yeah, and you’re going down into the lower airlock,” Porty said.
“Porty, no, Him’s too dangerous; you can’t meet with Him!”
“Gag him, Porty,” Girl said.
Porty shrugged and pushed the ball gag into Bimmy’s mouth, and then buckled the strap around his head.
“This feels so wrong,” he said.
“Fweelss wong eeeree ooo,” Bimmy said, drool coming out of his mouth as he spoke.
“Huh, you’re right,” Porty said. “It doesn’t really work that well.”
“Yeah…I always thought stick was using it wrong, but it seems no different on him,” Girl replied. “OK, Bimmy, up you go. Time to hop down to the other airlock.”
Porty helped Bimmy up, and then the AutoMopr whacked Bimmy in the ass as he hopped down the passageway to the lower lift.
“Do we have to worry about Barney and Laurie getting out when you open the airlock?” Porty asked.
“Nope,” Girl replied brightly. “They’re unconscious.”
“Really? How?”
“They were causing problems down there, so I cracked the outer airlock door. Knocked ‘em right out.”
“Girl!” Porty exclaimed. “That can kill them!”
“Relax,” Girl replied. “I fly with the most dysfunctional crew this side of the core. I know how much oxygen deprivation it takes to kill someone versus just knocking them out.”
“Uh…do I want to know?”
“No, probably not.”
Porty sighed and sat down on the sofa, and then jumped back up. “Crap! It’s all wet!”
“Blame Barney. He spilled his drink.”
“Slobs,” Porty said with a shake of his head.
“Tell me about it.”
A proximity alarm sounded, and Girl nearly jumped in surprise—if she could have—to see a small ship only three meters from her hull, extending an umbilical to her forward airlock.
“OK, Porty, he’s here. You ready?”
Porty sighed. “Yeah…wait! No! Where are the new Glass ShoesNot-TM that you made?”
“Oh, crap,” Girl exclaimed. “They’re still down in the engineering bay’s fab unit!”
“I’ll get them,” Porty said, and disappeared down the corridor to the lift.
Once Porty had left, Girl saw a strange figure approach in the umbilical between the ships, and she opened her external airlock door. The figure entered, and a minute later was walking into the Rec Room.
She was surprised. Him looked nothing like she had expected. He wore a white one-piece suit with blue stripes on the side, a long blue and red cape. His ensemble was topped off with a red, wide-brimmed hat with a jaunty white feather in it.
What was even stranger was that his right hand ended in a curved steel hook.
“Are you Him?” Girl asked.
“I am,” the man nodded, twirling his long black moustache with his right hand. “And who are you?”
“I’m Girl,” Girl replied.
Him cocked his head to the side and frowned. “Seriously? And you’re the ship’s AI?”
“I am,” Girl replied.
“And you’re named Girl?”
Girl made a snorting sound. “Asks some guy named Him.”
Him’s frown deepened, and then he burst into laughter. “Girl, I think I like you. You got moxy, going up against Him.”
“I’m all moxy, Him,” Girl replied. “Girl power.”
Him nodded slowly. “Sure, whatever. So where are my glass shoes?”
“Porty is bringing them, he just had to go see to Bimmy. The little bastard was causing a ruckus.”
�
��Well tell him to hurry it up,” Him said as he looked around the Rec Room. “Why is this place such a pigsty?”
Girl groaned. “Because people keep interrupting me when I’m trying to clean up. And look at you, you didn’t even wipe your boots in the airlock! Where were you last, a barn?”
Him chuckled. “Close. I was taking out some flying monkeys.”
“I got ‘em!” Porty said as he rushed into the room and stopped cold at the sight of Him.
“Good!” Him snapped, and took a step forward toward Porty, who held out the satchel containing the glass shoes.
Him reached out and snatched the satchel from Porty’s grasp, and then grinned as he pulled out the glass slippers.
“Finally!” Him cried out triumphantly, as he put a toe against the heel of one boot and pulled his foot halfway out before kicking the boot off. The dirty footwear flew through the air and landed on the sofa.
“Seriously?” Girl exclaimed. “What are you doing?”
“Testing the merchandise,” Him said as he pulled his other boot off, also kicking it onto the sofa.
“For fucksakes! I give up!” Girl shouted.
Him ignored her and pulled his socks off.
“You know what those shoes do, right?” Porty asked nervously. “They turn you into CinderellaNot-TM. I’ve heard it’s permanent, too! You probably don’t want that.”
Him nodded as he set the Glass ShoesAlso-Not-TM on the floor and lifted his right foot to step into them. “I know! It’s going to be a dream come true. The Fairly Goodmothers would never let me be CinderellaNot-TM, even though I know inside that’s who I was always meant to be!”
“Seriously?” Girl asked.
“Yeah,” Him grunted as he pushed his foot down into the Glass ShoeAlso-Not-TM and tried to squeeze it in. “Hey, these are supposed to magically expand to fit anyone’s feet!”
“What?” Porty said with a frown. “That’s not how it goes at all. They only fit one person; it’s how the whole mythos works.”
“Stupid dwarf! You think I don’t know how the legend of CinderellaNot-TM works? I’ve dedicated my life to this!” Him retorted as he stomped his foot, trying to force it into the shoe.
“Oh, this is ridiculous,” Girl said as she summoned a dozen vids retelling the CinderellaNot-TM story to the holodisplay. All of them showed various characters trying to get their feet into the shoes and failing.
Him stopped and stared at the holo, his mouth hanging open. “But I…I have a story that says the shoe changes for the right person!”
He fished out a book from inside his white suit and flipped through the pages, finally finding the right one and holding it open.
“See!” Him exclaimed. “The shoe grows here!”
Porty walked over to Him, and Girl zoomed in on the book.
“Hmmm…I don’t see it,” Porty said. “It looks like it fit beforehand.”
“No!” Him yelled, stabbing his finger at the book. “It grows!”
“I think it’s just a perspective issue in the drawing,” Girl said apologetically. “I’m sorry, Him. I didn’t mean to crush your dreams.”
Him dropped the shoe and fell to the ground. “All these years, all these dreams I’ve had of being CinderellaNot-TM. Now they’re gone.”
“Well,” Girl said brightly. “You’re still the Dread Pirate HimProbably-Not-TM! Your quest for the Glass ShoesAlso-Not-TM got you that. You seem to be good at it, too.”
Him nodded slowly. “I am, aren’t I? People fear me and do my bidding. I like the Dread Pirate part, too. I think I’m going to add that.”
“You should, Captain Dread Pirate, sir. I think it makes sense to add another layer to the whole…mythos you’ve got going on there.”
Him pulled his socks on, walked to the sofa, sat down, and immediately jumped back up.
“Why’s your sofa wet?” he asked.
“Because no one will leave me the fuck alone to clean this shithole up!” Girl thundered, finally losing her cool. “Now put on your stupid boots and get off me, before I vent this ship’s atmosphere and then smash your little shuttle to bits!”
“OK, OK,” the Dread Pirate HimProbably-Not-TM said as he pulled his boots on. “No need to yell. I’ll go now.”
He stopped and looked down at the shoes. “But I’m taking the shoes. They’re my booty.”
“OK,” Girl replied. “That’s fair.”
Him snatched the Glass ShoesAlso-Not-TM and stalked down the hall to the airlock.
Girl saw that Porty hadn’t moved, and realized that he was quivering with fear.
“Its OK, Porty, he’s gone now.”
Porty nodded slowly. “Yeah, but are you still going to vent the atmosphere? You seemed pretty pissed.”
Girl laughed. “No, though it may be the only way to finally get the smell out of this place. I’ll tell you what. You help me clean up, and we’ll call everything even.”
DEPARTURE
It took the better part of a day to get the reactor running properly and turn the ship back toward the Disknee World and Neverevereverland Station.
Porty turned out to be a great help. Combined with the bots, they managed to get the ship about as clean as Girl had ever seen it.
Porty flew the ship into the same bay that it had left just a day before, and gracefully set it down on the cradle, right next to a group of dwarves sleeping on hammocks.
“Wow,” Girl said appreciatively. “You’re a really good pilot. I don’t even know if Stick could have done that so smoothly.”
Porty chuckled. “I guess just like Him, everyone has a dream.”
“Have you decided what you are going to do about Bimmy and his crew?” Girl asked.
“I have,” Porty replied. “Can I hitch a ride with you?”
“Ohhhh…I don’t know, Porty. BAMF has a zero-tolerance policy for dwarves. It may not be safe. Besides, we have to return the Glass ShoesAlso-Not-TM to the Fairly Goodmothers.”
“Yeah, I guess. Wait…. What the?” Porty said, as he stood on his chair and looked out the bridge’s forward window. “Your crew’s back!”
“What?!” Girl exclaimed. “But we haven’t cleaned the bathrooms yet, or done all the laundry! I’ll never get this stars-damned ship clean!”
“Girrrrrrrrrlllll, I’m home!” Stick called out from the Rec Room.
“Stick?” Girl asked. “What are you wearing?”
Stick flashed a smile. “I’m not Stick, I’m The Catwoman™.”
“The what?”
“Nevermind, I’ll tell you later. We gotta go; we’ve been evicted from the Disknee World™.”
“Evicted?” Girl asked. “How does that happen?”
Stick…or The Catwoman laughed. “You’ll have to ask Jujubilee™.”
“Who?”
“The vampire formerly known as ‘Lashes’.”
What did they get up to? It’s only been a day!
Girl picked up a commotion outside the ship, and saw BAMF run out of the forest, followed by a very, very large ape.
“Stick—er, The Catwoman—what is that?”
“Ah crap, that’s Kong!”
Ramsey’s voice came over the shipnet a second later, a note of terror evident.
Oh, shit!
Girl would have bitten her fingernails if she’d had any. Porty was still in the bathroom, and the other three dwarves were still in the lower airlock.
Well, that’s easy to fix….
The airlock cycled, and a second later, the HullCrawlr pushed three small figures out onto the loamy turf as Stick lifted the ship into the air.
“Sure was good of you to keep the drives warmed up, Girl,” Stick said. “Never know when we’ll nee
d to beat a hasty retreat.”
Girl chuckled nervously. “Ha, you know I like to beat it, Stick.”
“Ha! I sure do, Girl. I sure do.”
As girl responded to Stick, she realized that there was something different in her core. Something about her thought processes had changed. It must have happened when she applied the firmware patch, but she hadn’t noticed it with everything else going on.
It was something new, something very unexpected….
THE END
— — —
Read on for the 4th Delta Team story later in this Pew! Pew! Volume.
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About the Author
M. D. Cooper has been writing since he finished Return of the King and had to have more. Lately, he has turned toward science fiction and is working on the Aeon14 series of books, which surround a colony ship leaving the Sol System.
When he's not writing novels or software he can be found spending time with his wife and daughter, or in his wood shop building furniture.
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