Tales From a Broad

by Melange Books, LLC

  “Sweetie,” Morgan called out to Tess. “Should we make Aunt Lu open our gifts first?”

  “Gifts?” I echoed. “Is it my birthday?” I was only half-joking.

  For a minute, I had to stop and actually think about the date. With no job, and no life for that matter, I was having trouble keeping track. My days had no beginning and no end.

  “Mom and I brought you a little something,” Tess said. “A peace offering.” She stepped down from the barstool and gave me a wink. She walked over to the door, extracted a box from her oversized bag, and handed it to me.

  “Ooh!” I smiled at Morgan while giving the box a small shake. “Let’s sit.” My shower could wait.

  We took our places in the living room as they watched me lift the lid. Two books lay inside and suddenly my excitement began to dissipate. “Eat, Pray, Love and Under the Tuscan Sun,” I read off the book covers. “Hmm. Old stories about lost women trying to find themselves,” I said in a falsely upbeat tone. “Is this a hint?” I watched Morgan and Tess exchange a look.

  “I’m sorry,” I winced. “I don’t mean to be unappreciative. I know I’m a mess.” I crossed my legs to close the opening on Cooper’s boxers.

  “Actually,” Morgan said with a smile, “it is a hint. We think it’s time you give yourself a break for once in your life. Go find yourself.”

  I looked at Tess who was gazing at her mother, rapt with admiration. It was as if she had just witnessed her mom pass on the family stone. Yes, it was a nice gesture, but two books didn’t quite warrant such a reaction. I drew in a slow breath.

  I gave my sister a puzzled look and tucked my ratty hair behind my ears. “I’m not so sure I follow.”

  I extracted a peanut M&M from the candy dish that sat on the table, popped it into my mouth, and leaned back on the couch. I carefully bit the candy and released the nut with my tongue.

  “Open the next one,” Morgan said with a smile. Tess reached into her bag and handed me another gift.

  Based on how it felt, I could already guess it was another book. “Did you ever think of starting a book club?” I said. I ripped open the paper. It was actually a journal.

  “Okay,” I smiled and nodded. “I’ll give you an A for effort. I see you have a whole theme going on here. The books, the pep talk, the journal...” I waved the book in the air. A piece of paper slipped out and landed on my lap.

  “What’s this?” I picked it up and held it under my nose. “It looks like an airline ticket.”

  “It is!” Tess exclaimed. “We’re going to Europe, baby!” With that, she leaped onto the couch and jumped up and down. She kind of reminded me of a judge on “The Voice.” Or Tom Cruise, when he professed his love for Katie Holms on “Oprah.”

  Tess plopped back down beside me, barely taking a second to catch her breath. She grabbed my arm. “Aunt Lu,” she panted, “this is going to be so much fun!”

  I looked over at Morgan, who was happily nodding her head. “Go have the adventure of a lifetime.” She leaned closer to me and tapped her hand firmly on the journal. “And remember it.”

  “But ... I thought.... Wait, what?” I shook my head in confusion.

  “Okay, here’s the deal.” Tess clasped her hands together. “Since college, I’ve wanted to travel Europe, but never had the time—or guts, to do it. That’s when my mom suggested that we go together!”

  “How kind of her.” I shot Morgan a silent look of death. “What about Jack?” He was the guy she had been dating for years.

  Tess shrugged her shoulders. “We’re on a break.”

  “I had no idea.” I frowned. “What happened? Was it mutual?”

  My stomach lurched, and I immediately regretted my choice of words. After calling the wedding off, I had received dozens of responses from friends who were happy to hear the breakup was mutual. I had come to loathe that word.

  “Aunt Lu, I’ve been dating the same guy since high school. We’ve become more like brother and sister.”

  I glanced at Morgan. She tugged on her bottom lip to fight the corners of her mouth from twitching their way into a smile. I bit my own lip and turned my attention back to Tess.

  “I don’t know any man other than him, and I think it’s time to experience new people, new things,” she said with an eyebrow raised. “My life is so dull. Believe me, you’re not the only one who could use a change. I took that job at the daycare center as a short-term plan while I waited to get a real teaching job. That was two years ago! I’m sick of wallowing about not having a ‘real’ job,” she said, making air quotes. “I haven’t done one productive thing since college.”

  She formed the letter “L” with her thumb and index finger and rested it on her forehead.

  “That’s not true, honey,” Morgan said.

  Tess cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows, waiting for her mother to elaborate.

  “You made those beautiful window treatments for our living room,” she offered.

  “And let’s not forget my gorgeous pillows, thank you very much.” I picked up one of the throw pillows she’d made me for Christmas and hugged it protectively.

  “Sewing is just a hobby,” Tess admonished. “It doesn’t pay the bills, and it’s really depressing not being able to find a job. However, I can wipe a butt like it’s no one’s business.” She held a triumphant fist in the air.

  “Tell me about it,” I scoffed. “Not the butt thing, although I wouldn’t mind that either,” I quickly added. My superstitious self never wanted the universe to hear any negativity when it came to babies. “But Tess,” I furrowed my eyebrows, “do you really want to take this trip with me?” I scrunched my nose and tapped my chest. “Take your old aunt on a road show? An antique road show, no less?”

  “Oh, please. There’s no one else I’d rather go with. You’re like a mother to me. Or big sister,” she quickly corrected herself. “I have it all mapped out.” Tess’s eyes shone with excitement as she spoke. “We’ll fly to London—”

  I held a hand in the air. “I’m telling you right now. I am not a very calm travel companion. You do know how much I hate to fly, right?”

  “I’ll get you drunk and hold your hand,” she encouraged.

  “Ok, I’m just saying. On my last flight, the turbulence was so bad that—”

  “So.” Tess silenced me with her enthusiasm. “We’ll start in London, take the train to—”

  I groaned. “I get the chills when I even have to travel below 14th Street.”

  “Oh Lucy,” Morgan chided. She gave me a sideways look. “Live a little. Go fill up that beautiful journal.”

  “Yeah.” Tess gave my arm a supportive squeeze. “We can’t allow our fears to hold us back. All you need is that journal and a backpack—”

  “Come again?” My stomach dropped. “Backpack?”

  “It’s the easiest way to go from hostel to hostel.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?” I laughed out loud.

  “Would you rather roll one of your Louis Vuitton suitcases on and off trains and in and out of hostels?”

  I held a finger in the air. “No, no, that’s not what I meant. I already forgot about the backpack. That pales in comparison to the other thing you said. Hostels?” I made a face. “I’m sorry, do I look like I’m on summer break from college?”

  Tess looked at Morgan with the same I-told-you-so look she’d been casting her mother for years.

  “Oh, Lu,” Morgan said, shaking her head. “I saw pictures on the internet. There are some really nice, clean youth hostels out there and they’re so affordable.”

  “Youth hostels?” I sat back on the couch in defeat and looked at Tess. “Sweetie, you know I love you but if I were to do Europe, words like backpack and youth hostel would not be rolling off this tongue.”

  “Um, hello?” Morgan waved her hand in front of my face. “I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re not exactly bringing in the big bucks, Lu. You may have done well in your heyday, but you should probably tight
en your belt now. When was your last paycheck?”

  “This is such an ego-boosting intervention,” I said dryly.

  Tess’s phone rang and she held out a finger to pause our conversation. “It’s Landon,” she explained, looking at her phone. “Work it, Mom.”

  “Tell your brother to call me,” Morgan shouted as Tess walked towards the kitchen. Morgan gripped the edge of her seat and leaned towards me. “Lucy, listen,” she said in a hushed tone. “To be perfectly honest with you, this isn’t just for you. I’m worried about Tess.”

  I sat up with a start and clasped my hands together. “What happened? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” Morgan said with a hand in the air, “but that’s just it. You heard what she said. All of her friends have found jobs they love, and there she is, feeling stuck in that dead end daycare. Then there’s Jack,” Morgan rolled her eyes and sighed. “I don’t know, Lu. I just worry about her. I feel like she’s falling into a rut, and she’s too young to be stagnant. I knew if I encouraged her to take the trip to help you, she’d go. Look at how excited she is! I’m not trying to put pressure on you, but—”

  “Oh no. No pressure,” I scoffed and gave her a sideways glance.

  I sunk into the couch and searched the ceiling, as if the answer to my life was written somewhere up there. I closed my eyes in despair and heard her rummaging through the mail piled high on the table.

  “It’s just that...” I cracked open one eye and watched her slip the unopened wedding response cards into her bag, completely unaware that she’d been busted. “I don’t know if I’d be good company. I don’t want to go all the way to Europe only to drag your daughter down with me. I saw that by the way. Sneaky envelope-taker.”

  Morgan chuckled. “Look, I came here to make peace with you, not stress you out even more. I’m sorry. I just think you should at least consider it. Please. It might be fun.”

  Tess had already emerged from the kitchen and stood behind the couch. “Oh, there’s no might involved.” Tess squeezed her fists in excitement. “Get this: Landon’s company is sending him to Florence the same time we’d be there! If we were to go, of course.”

  “Wow. That’s wonderful!” Morgan exclaimed. “Sounds like fate.”

  “No kidding. No pressure, Aunt Lu,” Tess said, suddenly holding a hand up. “But, how cool would it be to see Italia,” she said in a mock Italian accent, “with your only niece and nephew?”

  I smiled fondly at Tess, whom I still saw as the little girl who had called me with anything newsworthy since the very first day she learned to use the phone. I’ve been her personal shopper, psychologist, and guidance counselor and have loved her like a daughter since the day she was born.

  God only knows that Tess could be the closest I may ever get to a daughter of my own. I knew that while my life was in shambles, if I didn’t go on this trip, then Tess probably wouldn’t go either.

  “Anyway,” Tess continued. “We’ll stop harassing you. Why don’t you go shower and get dressed? Mom and I were hoping to take you for nails and lunch.”

  I was overcome with emotion. How lucky was I to have people in my life who cared so much about me? And to think I almost didn’t answer the door. I paused for a moment in contemplation as tears pricked my eyes. Their faces began to blur in front of me.

  “Shower,” I scoffed, blinking rapidly. “Cleanliness is overrated. Besides, I should probably get used to skipping a shower here and there,” I smiled mischievously. “They say backpacking isn’t always so glamorous, you know.”

  Chapter Two

  I always thought London would be easy to navigate. So much for speaking the language. Apparently, I only speak American.

  Facebook Status June 4 at 2:21pm

  Two weeks later, Tess and I were on the redeye from JFK to London and arrived at eight the next morning. Heathrow International Airport bustled, and being in a foreign country was like getting an IV drip of caffeine straight into my bloodstream. Excitement coursed through my veins and gave me the jolt that I desperately needed.

  After drinking two vodka tonics before the plane took off, I managed to fall asleep by the time we reached our cruising altitude. But my forty-minute nap actually ruined the rest of my flight. My subconscious mind had taken me off on a honeymoon with Cooper, so when I woke up to find Tess drooling on my shoulder, I wished to God I was still asleep. I desperately wanted to return to my dream and escape the real world, to go back to a place where I was a billion times happier.

  Instead, while listening to Tess snore, I obsessed over the fact that my wedding day would have been two days away. I’d planned not to dwell on it, but the dream felt so real, and with the date looming in the air, my mind raced the entire flight.

  Tess, on the other hand, slept like a baby and was perfectly rested by the time we landed. After months of succumbing to complete and utter lethargy, I struggled to keep up with her as she raced through the terminal, awestruck by the shops that surrounded us. I followed two paces behind, listening to the airport announcements that were being made in various languages while drawing in deep inhales of the eucalyptus citrus scent that wafted from Molton Brown.

  Once we retrieved our backpacks and cleared customs, Tess and I clinked passports to celebrate our first stamps and our arrival. We hopped into the back of a Mercedes taxicab and gave the driver the address to our hostel.

  Even though the car smelled like stale cigar smoke, I still felt a bit like royalty. Between the driver’s three-piece suit, his crisp accent, and the fact that I was being whisked away in a luxury vehicle, something felt quite right as we drove on the wrong side of the road.

  But when we got to the hostel, my grandiose delusions became more blandiose, and I suddenly felt like a poor college kid. There were about a dozen twentysomethings crowding the entryway to a dilapidated building. Its once-white cement, blackened from age, had dirty windows that opened up to rusty fire escapes. The building reminded me of the neglected low-income housing back home. Then again, that’s basically what it was.

  What did I expect for 20 euros a night? You get what you pay for, and that’s exactly what we got. Two beds. Two of six beds in one very cramped room. But buttered toast was included. Thank goodness.

  * * * *

  An hour later in the cafeteria, I felt like a fish out of water among the hostel’s much younger clientele. There was a definite style here—lots of tattered denim, sneakers, and greasy hair. Was that a current trend in London or just a dirty look accepted among the backpacking community?

  A young guy sat in the middle of the room and strummed away on his guitar. Some of the diners sang along to his rendition of “Like a Rolling Stone” as they contributed to the already overpowering odor of marijuana that filled the air.

  But since it was still the middle of the night back home, I imagined I was in a bread bar listening to an acoustic band. Plates were piled high with burnt toast while crumbs lay scattered all over the tables and floor. For some reason, as I sat on a chipped bench that was sticky from grape jelly and munched away on stale bread, I was suddenly feeling pretty psyched.

  A voice in my head spoke as if it were an announcer at a Broadway show. The role of Type A, anal-retentive Lucy Banks, will be played by her free-spirited twin sister. The two girls had been separated at birth.

  I always did the right thing in the right order. I finished college, went on to graduate school, and had a job lined up before I even had my diploma in hand. Not only did I lack the confidence to just take time off and go, it hadn’t even crossed my mind. It wasn’t an option. That wasn’t on the road map of what was supposed to happen in life. People like me didn’t do things like this.

  I looked around and a slow smile spread across my face. I may not have looked the part, but I was a part of that freewheeling scene around me. Just like Mick Jagger’s rolling stone, I was a complete unknown. I looked around at the young adults poring through travel books and maps. We all had the same thing in common. We were here to see the
world.

  “So, what do you want to do today?” Tess said. She popped a piece of crust into her mouth and opened her guidebook.

  “Other than carbo-load? I think we’ve consumed enough bread to run a marathon.” I laughed and brushed off the pile of crumbs accumulated on my lap. “Do you want to hit a museum? Or take one of those architecture walks?”

  “Hmm,” Tess drummed her fingers on the table and looked down at her book.

  The thought of a walk sounded fun to me and I was pleasantly surprised I even wanted to take one. Fitness had always been a top priority of mine, but since the break-up, I had become overcome with a constant state of fatigue. My limbs had been feeling just as heavy as my heart, and I had never gone this long without actually wanting to move my body.

  Tess snapped her head up. “I’d love to take a walk.” She paused, thinking. “But how about we stroll through Regent Park instead? It says here we might see Madonna on one of her runs. Or have a David and Victoria Beckham sighting!”

  “I’d say we’d probably have more of a chance seeing those guys at Madame Tussauds,” I said with a chuckle. “Have you been to the one in New York?”

  Tess wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Nah. Wax museums are boring.”

  “Not this one. The statues looked so real. Especially with all the Botox the celebs are doing these days.”

  Tess didn’t look too convinced. She giggled and turned her attention back to her book.

  I rested my chin on my elbow and looked around the room. As my gaze fell on the Union Flag that hung on the wall, a red flag of my own went up in my mind. We had only been in Europe for two hours and already we couldn’t seem to agree on our first outing. Not a good sign. It hadn’t occurred to me that our ideas for the perfect trip might not be the same.

  “So, is it wax museums you find boring or all museums?” I said with an eyebrow raised. My voice sounded casual, but I braced myself for her response.

  “I have nothing against museums,” Tess replied.

  Oh, thank God.