Buster's Diaries: The True Story of a Dog and His Man

by Roy Hattersley

  August 15, 1997

  There is a lot of water on Mull, not just round the edges, but all over. Wherever you go, there are little creeks and rivers. The water is there because it rains all the time. In fact, all that happens on Mull is rain. And we went out in it four times a day.

  The Man didn’t seem to mind, but he had a coat and a hat to put on. I got wet all over and had to be dried in the bathroom before I could go and lie down in the bedroom we all shared.

  The owner of the hotel in which we stayed talked all the time about his gundogs, which he has trained to pick up birds after he has shot them—the birds not the dogs. He said his gundogs had soft mouths, whatever that may mean. I think they have soft heads. Otherwise they would have eaten the birds instead of bringing them back to the hotel owner.

  The best part of the holiday was when the Man drove our car into a ditch. It did not make much of a bump, but it made the Man very angry and She laughed at him. When he got out of the car, he stepped into the water in the bottom of the ditch. Now he knows how I feel when I get wet several times a day.

  August 20, 1997—London

  I have perfected a new trick. It is called teeth-snapping. This is how I do it. I am sitting next to somebody who is taking no notice of me—feeling naturally annoyed that I am being ignored. First I pant a bit or give a little whine. When the person turns round to see what the noise is all about, I make a sudden lunge and bring my teeth together about an inch from the person’s face. When my teeth come together, I sound more like an alligator than a dog. Nobody likes this trick except the Man, and me, and he is told he should not like it. “You’ll be sorry,” She tells him, “if he takes your nose off by mistake.” That is a silly thing to say. I don’t make mistakes like that. If I took his nose off, it would be on purpose.

  August 27, 1997—Brighton

  We have been on a day trip to Brighton. While he did something called broadcasting, I slept on a bed in a hotel room which had been specially booked for me. After the broadcasting and the sleep, we went down to the sea. I hate sea. You walk along beside it and it suddenly jumps at you and wets your feet and legs.

  The one good thing about the sea is the birds. There are lots of them and they fly very low. Even though I was on my long lead, I jumped and almost caught one. When we were all alone on a deserted bit of beach, the Man let me off the lead and I jumped at the birds for a long time. I did not catch one, but I am sure I would have done if he had not made me go with him to the railway station.

  When he put my lead back on, he gave me two biscuits and said, “Buster, you’re a marvel. You’ll never catch one but you’ll never give up. You don’t know your own limitations. That’s what I like about you.” Sometimes I fear he does not love me for myself. I am just the dog that he knows he can never be.

  September 14, 1997—London

  All is sadness in Green Park. Sandy died yesterday while playing with the rubber ring he always carried in his mouth. We were in Derbyshire, so we did not see it happen. But everybody told us about it when we got to the park this morning. They all say it will not be the same without Sandy bouncing up and down.

  Apparently he was behaving just as crazily as usual, jumping high into the air to catch the rubber ring whenever his owner threw it up for him. But after three or four jumps, instead of landing on his feet, he just collapsed into a heap. They told us he was still alive but unconscious.

  A kindly policeman took him to the vet in a motor car. The vet said Sandy had suffered a brain haemor rhage. He would not die for days, but he would never regain consciousness and be able to go into the park to jump for his rubber ring. His owner agreed that he should be put down straight away. “Put down” is not a very nice way to describe it, but I am sure it was the right thing to do—even though Sandy’s owner said that he would have four hours each day with nothing to do with his time. Dogs ought not to be kept in great pain because their sentimental owners are too self-indulgent to face the anguish of parting. We are all entitled to die in dignity. The Euthanasia Society ought to form a canine branch.

  The Man says we are all sad because it reminds us that the same thing will happen to us one day—though he knows very well that I do not jump up in the air all the time to catch a rubber ring. I thought about what he said on the way home and, when I decided he was right, made up a little poem either in memory of Sandy or to help me feel better about dying one day.

  Buster, are you grieving

  Over Green Park trees unleaving?

  It is the fate that we were born for.

  Buster, it is yourself you mourn for.

  I shall call the poem “Spring and Fall.” Sandy did both those things just before he died.

  I have also been thinking about what Sandy’s owner said about now having four hours each day with nothing to do. Does that mean Sandy had four hours of walks? If so, that is twice as much as I have. I think life is very unfair. So, no doubt, does Sandy.

  September 22, 1997

  A man called Paul Simons has written a book about dogs during the war. One, an English Pointer called Judy, was a Royal Navy mascot and, when her ship was sunk, she was captured by the Japanese. After the war was over Judy got a medal and barked on the radio to celebrate Britain’s victory. In the prisoner-of-war camp, she kept a lookout for dangerous animals. The book does not say what she had to eat during her years as a prisoner. Since that is the most important question, it cannot be a very good book.

  If I had been in the war, I would not have wanted to be shipwrecked and kept in a prison camp. I would have behaved like Rob the “paradog.” Rob, a collie, was parachuted behind enemy lines twenty times. He wore a parachute harness which looked just like the Precious Cargo safety belt I wear in the motor car—only Precious Cargo looks better because it is bright red. When I travel to Derbyshire tomorrow, I shall pretend I am floating down into enemy-occupied territory, not stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. A dog who is essentially heroic by nature, but rarely does anything more exciting than chase a squirrel up a tree, has to take refuge in fantasy from time to time.

  September 24, 1997—Derbyshire

  It was always agreed that we don’t do tricks. No sit-up-and-beg. No lie-down-and-play-dead. No come-and-shake-hands. It was the Man who first talked about a dog’s dignity. He says that for me to hold out my paw when he tells me to “Say hello, Buster” is no better than an elephant standing on a stool when its trainer cracks a whip. It makes no sense to me. But I am supposed to take notice of what he says, so I now feel as strongly about the subject as he does. No tricks.

  However, we are getting dangerously near to breaking the rule, and I don’t know how to deal with the situation. On wet mornings, when we get back from the long morning walk, I have to be dried. To be honest, I rather like it. The Man gets a big, rough towel and rubs me all over—always being careful to stroke my fur in the right way. To be dried is to be the centre of attention and that is what I like most.

  The paws are the difficult part. The Man takes the paws very seriously in Derbyshire, where there is a lot of mud and, as he always says, I do not have the sense to keep out of it. The paws have to be rubbed clean, one by one. He is beginning to expect me to pick them up. “Come on, Buster,” he says in his most ingratiating voice, “give me a paw.” I have only to twitch in annoyance for him to shout, “Look! Look! Buster’s picking his paw up when I tell him to.”

  How does picking up a front paw in order that it can be dried differ, trickwise, from shaking hands? The answer is: Not at all. It is another example of his double standards. And I can’t help trying to do what he tells me. I get a biscuit every time one of my paws leaves the ground.

  PART VI

  Sophistication

  In which Buster’s horizons are widened by the discovery of how other dogs live, and he comes to the conclusion that collaboration is preferable to resistance.

  October 2, 1997—London

  The wolf inside is not quite dead. But earlier today, I wished he was, for h
e caused me very considerable embarrassment. I was walking through Mayfair when She stopped at a shop called Farloe’s.

  Although my memory is not good, it can be swiftly jogged by a sight, sound or smell. In Farloe’s window, there was a hedgehog—one of those animals with spikes on the outside that made my nose bleed last year.

  Naturally, I tried to get it and roll it over like the Man had suggested after last year’s unprovoked attack. So I pounced. Fortunately, my head is very hard and I did not hurt myself on the glass. Although She was pulling very hard on the lead, I would have pounced again, but a total stranger spoke to me. He said, “Don’t be silly, Buster. It isn’t a real hedgehog. It’s a boot cleaner.”

  I was pleased to be recognized by somebody I had never met before. But I felt very silly making such a mistake. I must try to keep my instinct in check until I have found out what is really going on.

  October 9, 1997

  The scales fall from my eyes! Last night, when we went for our late-night walk, Barley the Irish wolfhound and Biggest Dog in the World was asleep by the glass door in the side of his house. He was all curled up with a woolly toy. I think it was a rabbit.

  Being a romantic at heart, I have always imagined Barley hounding wolves in Ireland. But he sleeps with a woolly toy! I shall attack him the next time that I see him in the street.

  October 13, 1997—Derbyshire

  We have fires in Derbyshire, and the Man is very proud of his fireplaces because they are so old. Sometimes he is very proud of things because they are so new. It is often very difficult to follow his reasoning.

  Fires have flames which come from coal and logs. The coal comes every Saturday on a truck. An English bull terrier puppy sits on top of the coal. He is called Dennis, and the coalman says that he is pure white. When we see him sitting on the coal at the back of the truck, he is pure black. Dennis is very well behaved. He never jumps off the truck, even when it is driving along, and when it stops outside our house, he lies down on top of the sacks and waits for the coalman to make his delivery. I give him a bark nevertheless, just in case he is tempted to trespass on my territory.

  The Man asked how Dennis is washed clean at night. The answer was difficult for me to believe. The coalman said they go into the shower together. Showers are rooms in which water comes out of the ceiling. I hate going out in the rain. Making it rain in a room inside the house seems crazy to me. But the Man seems impressed by Dennis’s story. I fear the worst. Within a day or two he will be dragging me into the shower.

  October 19, 1997

  The Man’s pyromania, which has come between us ever since he bought the house in Derbyshire, almost gave me a heart attack last night—far worse than the normal bother we have when he lays a fire.

  Usually the trouble comes about because I try to help. It always annoys him, even when I don’t get distracted by the logs. Some of them have most interesting smells and a few are edible. He always gets bad-tempered when I take them out of the basket, especially if I run into the ashes that he has scraped out from the grate. After I do that, I always get sent outside—even though it was an accident, and running through the ashes doesn’t matter any more because they are spread all over the carpet.

  Being put outside means I miss the best bit of making fires. When the coal and the sticks and the logs have all been piled up, he sets them alight. I always wag my tail when I smell the smoke and he is always gratuitously offensive. “Stupid dog would burn himself to death if we let him. Hasn’t the sense to know that fire burns.” He then puts a steel thing across the front of the fireplace to stop me getting anywhere near, and I have nothing to do except to sleep on the sofa or sit in the window and defend the property from attack by barking at whoever goes past. Last night, however, his passion for fire nearly caused a major rift in our relationship.

  I at least was ready for bed. The Man—who washes in a basin instead of licking his own hands and feet—takes much longer. So, having had my last walk, I was waiting for lights-out, when I was suddenly sent into the kitchen and the door closed behind me. “1 don’t want you tripping me up on the stairs,” the Man said. I haven’t tripped him up on the stairs for months, but he is often unfair about such things.

  As soon as I was let out, I went to bed in my upstairs basket right against the radiator. Strangely enough, I am allowed to lie with my tail touching the radiator, but I am forbidden to go anywhere near the fire. Another example of the Man’s inconsistency. But he has managed to convince me that fire is dangerous.

  I remembered what he had taught me when, at about two o’clock in the morning, I smelt smoke coming from under his bedroom door. Cometh the hour, cometh the dog. So I did my duty and barked a warning. But he did not wake. So I ran across the landing and up the half-flight of stairs which leads to his forbidden bedroom. My barking still did not wake him. He would make a terrible guard dog. So I scratched as hard as I could on the door—even when bits of paint and splinters of wood got stuck between my claws.

  At one minute I thought I heard a muffled shout. It sounded almost like “Go back to bed, Buster, and quieten down.” But, fearing it was a cry for help, I barked and scratched on. Dogs have been awarded medals for less.

  Exhausted from my efforts, I fell momentarily into a half-sleep. But as soon as I awoke I resumed the rescue attempt. Believe me, becoming Dog of the Year was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was for the Man—and my regular supply of sawdust balls—to be safe. When he opened the bedroom door, I was so overjoyed to see him that, after one quick jump at his head—not easy from halfway up a flight of stairs—I forgot all my training and ran past him into the bed room. A fire was burning in the little grate.

  For the first time in months, he let me sit on the bed. “It’s all right,” he said. “I’m not burning to death or suffocating.” You see, he has begun to read my mind. “I brought it up in a bucket while you were locked in the kitchen. Thought it looked nice.” Then he got very sentimental. “Were you looking after me? Did you think I’d get burnt to death? What a good boy” It was late, I had endured a disturbed night, and he was rubbing behind my ears. Naturally I went to sleep, proud and contented. Suddenly I felt a tug at my collar and I bounded off the bed, ready for another act of daring self-sacrifice. The Man spoke to me in his most authoritative voice: “Out you go and back to bed. And no more barking. Even if you don’t need a good night’s sleep, I do.”

  October 26, 1997—London

  Returning from Derbyshire today, I almost had a nasty accident—more proof, I fear, of the importance of putting my rumbustious past behind me.

  Throughout the journey, I was the very model of reticence and restraint. In short, I slept from start to finish. The Man did not wake me up until we were alongside the St.. Pancras railway station platform. So I barely had time to stretch.

  When the Man got off the train, I made the mistake of jumping out of the carriage at the same time, instead of waiting—as I am supposed to do—and following obediently behind.

  I lost my footing and my hind legs slipped off the platform. All that stopped me from falling under the (fortunately stationary) train was the power of my front legs and the lead round my neck. The Man hauled me onto the platform, and said, “Buster, you’ll give me a heart attack one day.”

  It should have been my heart attack that he was worried about. Once again, I have been reminded of the advantages of denying my instinct to leap first and look afterwards. Oh, how all occasions do inform against me!

  November 2, 1997

  I have just seen a picture of a dog in yesterday’s Times. It was called Zuki, and looked to me like a Great Dane. It was hard to be sure because he (or she) was leaning on his (or her) elbows at the edge of a swimming bath and was wearing a bathing cap to keep the water out of his (or her) ears. Thank God I don’t swim. If I did, the Man would certainly buy me a bathing cap and I would look as ridiculous as Zuki.

  Zuki’s picture illustrated a whole article about keeping water out of dogs” ears. The
vet who wrote it says that wet ears never cause healthy dogs a problem. “A well-groomed dog runs with ears flapping like butterfly wings.” I do no such thing and I pride myself on my grooming. Particularly my ears.

  November 5, 1997—Firework Night, Derbyshire

  The Man spent all evening making me feel nervous. I am not sure what he expected to happen, but he drew the curtains and blinds all over the house and made me sit with him on the sofa. He even brought my water bowl into the sitting room, something he has never done before.

  About every thirty seconds he repeated, “There is nothing to worry about, Buster. You’re all right with me.” The television was on so loud that I could barely hear him, but, after he had said the same thing ten times, I could guess what he was saying. When She told him he had promised to go to the doctor about being deaf, he got very bad-tempered and shouted, “You know very well that it’s to stop Buster being frightened.”

  We all had to stay up—with the curtains drawn and the television on—until very late. When we went to bed, the bangs which I could just hear over the noise in the sitting room had stopped. I had been looking forward to listening to them all evening.

  November 9, 1997—London

  Today, I invented Buster’s Ratchet—no relation to Buster’s Collar, the ridiculous lampshade which dogs with conjunctivitis wear round their necks to stop them scratching their eyes. Buster’s Ratchet is a new form of psychological warfare to be employed in the historic conflict between dog and man. I am barred from entering the most interesting rooms—largely, I suspect, because those are the rooms in which the Man takes his trousers off. He does not seem to like me jumping at him when he is naked.