Book of Basketball

by Simmons Bill

  1. Ron Harper told SI in ’99, “Everybody talks about MJ first, but Pip had a more all-around game. Defense, offensive rebounds and defensive boards: Pip made the game easier for us to play.”

  2. Hue Hollins whistled a touch foul on a last-second Hubie Davis jumper in Game 5, pretty much gift-wrapping the series for the Knicks. Even Vince McMahon was embarrassed by that call. 3. Another NBA tragedy: watching Scottie toiling away for one season in a stilted, slow-it-down

  “Hey, Scottie, dump it into Hakeem or Barkley, go to the corner and stand there” offense. Almost as bad as Kidd in the triangle.

  4. Scottie in ’93: “I hope [MJ] leads the league in scoring for the rest of his career. And when it’s all over, I’ll be able to say, ‘I helped him do it. And I played with the greatest player ever.’” Now that’s a second banana!

  5. Jackson told SI in ’99, “[Scottie] was probably the player most liked by the others. He mingled. He could bring out the best in the players and communicate the best. Leadership, real leadership, is one of his strengths. Everybody would say Michael is a great leader. He leads by example, by rebuke, by harsh words. Scottie’s leadership was equally dominant, but it’s a leadership of patting the back, support.”

  6. Don’t forget, Tubbs had to bang Calderon’s ugly daughter just to get to Calderon. Much bigger sacrifice than Scottie passing up some shots. She looked like Andy Pettitte with a crewcut. 7. It narrowly edged the time Cartwright realized that he couldn’t grow a full goatee. 8. NBA draft code words “upside,” “length” and “wingspan” were pretty much invented during the Pippen draft.

  9. Had Scottie played out that rookie contract and become a free agent in ’93, right as Jordan was retiring, his value would have soared. For the first eleven years of his career, Scottie Pippen was woefully underpaid. He was the 122nd-highest-paid player in the NBA in 1998. 10. Our three best guys that year: Dana Barros, Todd Day and Dino Radja. Little known fact: Dino was the last 19–10 guy (in ’96) who also smoked butts before and after games. In a related story, we went 33–49.

  11. You know I feel passionate about something when I spring a double negative on you. 12. Remember, Isiah made 28% of his threes in ’83 and somehow finished second in the league. If he’d come along ten years later, it’d have been a bigger part of his arsenal. 13. On the other hand, this was one of the ten greatest moments of my life … so thank you, Isiah!

  14. One of my favorite clips: Isiah getting busted open by Malone’s elbow, flipping out and briefly strangling his trainer as the guy was trying to stop the bleeding. That was the only inexplicable strangulation in NBA history. Even the Spree/Carlesimo incident was semiexplicable. 15. What, you don’t believe me? Isiah retired on May 24, 1994, and suddenly had a ton of time on his hands; the murders happened two weeks later. You don’t think that’s a coincidence? Prove me wrong!

  16. And if you’re nitpicking, I want to know why it was okay to show Magic and Isiah kissing on network TV, but when Matt the Gay Guy made a move on Billy’s best man before Billy’s wedding five years later on Melrose Place, Fox didn’t have the balls to show their kiss. 17. I mulled this analogy long and hard: At the time, Joel was the fourth-most-famous person in that video behind Michael Jackson (MJ), Bruce Springsteen (Bird), and Stevie Wonder (Magic) and just ahead of Bob Dylan (who had lost his fastball). Finishing the analogy: Michael McDonald (Barkley), Huey Lewis (David Robinson), Tina Turner (Ewing), Lionel Ritchie (Mullin), Kenny Rogers (Malone), Tom Petty (Stockton), Quincy Jones (Chuck Daly) and Christian Laettner (George Michael). Sadly, there’s no basketball equivalent to Dan Aykroyd singing in the chorus. 18. I say we make it up to him by letting him pick the 2012 Dream Team. “And starting at center, weighing more than Angola’s entire team … Eddy Curry!”

  19. I’d make a GM joke about McHale here, but he handed Boston the ’08 title and I don’t want to be an ingrate. By the way, KG faded in the ’09 season with a mysterious knee problem loosely described as “I spent 13 solid years playing 1100-plus games and 40 minutes a night at an intensity normally reserved for mothers trying to rescue their children who are trapped under a truck” but with an “-itis” at the end.

  20. In his only Game 5 (’98 against Seattle), KG practically crapped himself with 7 points, 4

  rebounds and 10 TOs.

  21. Every red-blooded male born between 1965 and 1980 dug T.A.T. for the Kelly Kapowski/Valerie Malone resume, only it never translated to a movie career or a leading sitcom role. She couldn’t have had Christina Applegate’s career?

  22. KG fans defend his unclutchness because he never got clutch reps in his formative years (whereas Duncan did). Decent point. Think of KG’s career like a video game: spend a ton of time playing Grand Theft Auto and you’re more likely to complete a mission than someone who doesn’t own a PlayStation, right?

  23. After Game 3, I wrote a column that included the question “Is Garnett on pace to pass Hayes, Chamberlain and Malone as the biggest choke artist in the history of the NBA Finals?” Sadly, it had to be asked—he had missed 36 of his last 50 shots with the likes of Pau Gasol and Ronny Turiaf guarding him.

  24. This was fun during the regular season and not as much fun in the playoffs, as Boston struggled vs. Atlanta and KG was blocking shots after whistles but refusing to post up Solomon Jones. I think I screamed, “Come on, KG, take this goddamned stiff to the hoop!” at least 250 times that spring.

  25. Extending this analogy, Duncan was like Eric Clapton—great in a band and really good by himself, although there’s no way Duncan ever would have done something as sleazy as stealing George Harrison’s wife.

  26. Cooz had a phenomenal French/New York accent. He couldn’t pronounce R, but that didn’t stop him from announcing Celtics games for two solid decades, leading to him calling Rodney Rogers “Wodd-ney” in 2002. When they acquired Bryant Stith in the mid-nineties, we just assumed Cooz would grunt his name like a deaf-mute. He settled on “Bwwwy-unn.”

  27. To clarify, when Cousy finished first in assists and second in scoring in ’55, he’d get 10 points for assists and 9 points for scoring for a total of 19.

  28. I know, I know … West wasn’t a true point guard. But he handled the ball for L.A. during the second half of his career and even led the NBA in assists in ’72. So there. 29. Tommy Heinsohn claimed in Elliott Kalb’s book that assists only counted in the fifties if you passed to someone without dribbling. In other words, none of Cousy’s fast-break passes counted as assists. Could this be true? Again, it’s hard to trust someone who once compared Leon Powe to Moses Malone.

  30. You had to like the fifties, when sportswriters had names like “Herbert Warren Wind.” I wonder if I would have been “William John Simmons” back then. Kinda catchy. 31. Grumpy Old Editor wholeheartedly disagrees: “Granted, Cousy is a good guy and an innovator for an all-white league. But unlike Russell and even Sharman, his game does not survive beyond the sixties. And the idea of him as a pioneer when Black Magic screams otherwise is a joke. If he played in New York, you would have buried him.” I am firing him soon. 32. Cooz played an athletic director named Vic. I hate to nitpick here, but couldn’t they have gone with Bob Kiley or Bill Corsey there? How did they settle on “Vic”? Do you think Vic ever tried to recruit Rumeal Smith? That was an inside joke for the three people who have been reading every footnote so far.

  33. In fact, that’s what I plan on calling that book: The Second Book of Basketball: A Quick Influx of Cash. I’ll give you 9–2 odds that in the acknowledgments, I’m thanking everyone at the Promises Rehab Center in Malibu, as well as my new girlfriend, Destiny (or Amber, or Crystal, or Jasmine, or anyone else who sounds like I may have met her as she was writhing on a pole). 34. Four Boston athletes were like that for me: Bird, Pedro, Orr (a tad before my time, but still) and Rich “El Guapo” Garces. I mean, did you see Guapo? He was built like the Penguin and so overweight, one time he covered first base on consecutive ABs and became so out of breath that the pitching coach had to come out to buy him some time.
Now that’s fat. I miss you, Guapo. 35. I picked Bron fourth for 2005 MVP and compared his season to “one of those early Tom Hanks movies, where you spend most of the time just feeling bad for him that he’s not in something better.” Like The Money Pit, basically.

  36. Back then, I was convinced that he’d average a triple double. Now? I don’t see it unless he signs with the Knicks and plays for Mike D’Antoni. Then he might average a 40–15–15. No, really. I once had a reader joke that there should be a word called “D’Inflation” to cover these scenarios.

  37. There’s a persistent rumor, never confirmed, that LeBron has a $50 million unwritten promise from Nike that kicks in if he joins the Knicks or Lakers. The Clips aren’t covered by the alleged bonus; given their history of bad luck, Nike would probably pay him $50 million not to play there. 38. Chicago made the same mistake with MJ until Phil Jackson took over and rectified the issue. By the way, I just edited out a Boogie Nights reference. We were at capacity. 39. In case you were worried about my objectivity relating to LeBron, during this same season, I criticized him for losing his passing chops and wrote, “The erosion of LeBron’s passing skills is the biggest tragedy of the past few years other than Lindsay Lohan losing her boobs.”

  40. The Cleveland fans took great pleasure in rubbing this section in my face a few months later. After the All-Star Game, he ripped off 33 PPG over his next 10 games and everything was fine. I’d like to think my biting comments were partially responsible—I mean, that column did lead ESPN.com. What, you don’t think LeBron has the internet and email? You don’t think he had time to plow through a 6,600-word feature? Just humor me.

  41. This section is about Game 5 of the 2007 Pistons-Cavs series in Detroit (aka the “48 Special”), when LeBron made LeLeap and propelled Cleveland into the Finals one game later. 42. Possible explanations for Flip Saunders not sending a second guy at LeBron: (a) his blood sugar was dangerously low; (b) he had money on Cleveland; (c) he suffered a head injury en route to the stadium; (d) LeBron was so incredible that Flip actually went into shock; (e) he’s the real-life Forrest Gump. I vote for D or E.

  43. The most underrated sports movie scene now that every NBA JumboTron has beaten Pacino’s Any Given Sunday speech into the ground. It’s not about the six minutes, kid. It’s what happens in the six minutes.

  44. I still believe that sentence to be true. I watched that game with my two-year-old daughter, who was lying next to me reading books and asking every two minutes or so, “What happened?”

  because I was making noises like, “Holy shit!” and “No!!!!!!!!!!!”

  45. Jason “Big Sexy” Whitlock later convinced me to name it the “48 Special.” I like that. Sounds like a ’70s rock band.

  46. That was Paul Hirschheimer, longtime NBA Entertainment honcho and diehard Knicks fan, as well as someone who took a sincere interest in this book, hooked me up with countless game tapes and demanded that Bernard crack the top sixty as his only payment. Done and done. Although Bernard would have made it anyway (I love ’Nard) and Grumpy Old Editor points out that he would have “destroyed the manuscript” if I didn’t. So there’s that, too. 47. When I was working on this book (April ’09), LeBron looked so great that I left this footnote open and wrote, “UPDATE AFTER CAVS WIN TITLE.” Whoops.

  48. On second thought, Barkley and Salt Lake would have been like Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love: just a deadly, horrifying match in every respect.

  49. The NBA should throw a charity dinner where every NBA star has to show up wearing the same outfit that they wore on draft day. They could make tickets ten grand and I’d be willing to pay twenty just to be in the room. “Hakeem, I love your 1984 prom tuxedo! Looks terrific!”

  50. In ’86, Chuck and Moses finished 2nd and 3rd in offensive rebounds. After getting split up, Chuck finished 1st and Moses 4th in ’87; they finished 1–2 in ’88 and ’89; then Moses 1st and Barkley 2nd in ’90. Why did Philly break up a historic rebounding combo? Because an abnormal number of NBA executives are fucking idiots! I keep telling you.

  51. Malone and Stockton ranked right behind Laimbeer and Mahorn and just ahead of Ainge on the Top Five Dirtiest Guys of the MJ Era list. It’s true. I know there’s an eight-year-old Mormon kid crying right now and screaming, “Noooo! Noooooooo!” But it’s true. Scratch Salt Lake City off the book-signing tour.

  52. For example: “Karl Malone don’t like no HIV. Karl Malone don’t want to worry about no blood hitting Karl Malone in the eye.”

  53. Would KG have won 49 games and a division title playing with Johnny Dawkins, Hersey Hawkins, Ron Anderson, a fairly washed-up Mike Gminski and a just-about-washed-up Rick Mahorn in an extremely competitive season? No way.

  54. The definitive Barkley stat: in 44 playoff games from ’93 to ’95, he hoisted up 124 threes and made just 33 (27 percent). That’s an embarrassment. I would have fined him ten grand per three. 55. There’s a famous story about Barkley hitting Manhattan the night before a Sunday afternoon game at MSG, subsequently stinking out the joint, then Danny Ainge waving his ring afterward and screaming, “That’s why you’ll never have one of these!” Only when Barkley’s personal life began to fall apart recently (a $400,00 debt to a Vegas casino plus a DUI arrest) did the media start mentioning Barkley’s drinking. Everyone loved him too much. Including me. I spent two days with him for a 2002 column and buried three phenomenal Barkley stories. I just liked the guy. 56. Biggest help: spending the summer playing on the Dream Team and getting pushed by MJ. This also drove LeBron to new heights—working out with Kobe and Wade during the ’08

  Olympics and getting those “Shit, I still need to get better” juices flowing. Like the effect Stephon Marbury had on Carmelo Anthony in Athens, only the exact opposite. 57. This should have given Chuck the winnability edge over Malone, but his penchant for carousing and keeping teammates out for all hours made it a draw. MJ would have loved playing with Barkley, but he would have been more productive with Malone.

  58. Are we sure Malone wasn’t a giant a-hole? What about when Kobe accused him of hitting on his wife? Actually, that made me like the Mailman more. Go Karl! I never thought Karl allegedly telling Mrs. Kobe that he was “hunting little Mexican girls” got its just comedic due. 59. Grumpy Old Editor refused to make the leap: “Ranking Pettit this high is a joke. He’d be like every oversized white guy with post moves and cement feet who gets trampled in his first pro season. Think Kent Benson or Big Country Reeves.” Yeah, but still. 60. If not for Hack-a-Shaq, Pettit would have averaged more FTs per game than anyone with 50-plus career playoff games (10.4). That’s reason no. 345 to hate Hack-a-Shaq. 61. Did you know that the ’58 Hawks were the last all-white team to win a title? I’m going out on a limb and predicting that’s holding true 100, 200, and 500 years from now. 62. If you were a seventies magazine editor and didn’t use a “What’s up, Doc?”–type headline for Doc, you lost your job. I’m almost positive. Here’s Doc’s former ABA coach Al Bianchi (from the same story): “Julie used to take off and really soar. And that’s the sad part of seeing him now. The Doc can’t fly no more.” An unnamed NBA coach added, “I don’t know if it’s the big contract, plain disgust, concern about his longevity or just that he’s burnt out and can’t do it nightly anymore, but Dr. J is not the player we once knew. The electricity isn’t there. The truth is that—except for a few playoff games in ’77 and the all-star games—the guy has been on vacation for three years. Somebody else has been masquerading as no. 6. On a consistent basis Julius has played to about 40 percent, tops, of the ability he showed in the ABA.”

  63. I’m dubious of Doc’s ABA stats. This was already a league where nobody played D, only ABA opponents were about as physical with Doc as President Obama’s cronies are with the prez during a White House basketball game. Could that help explain why he never found quite the same success in the NBA? I think so.

  64. Poor Doc played for one of the most selfish/overpaid teams ever assembled (the postmerger 76ers), shared the ball with me-first guys like McGi
nnis and Free and never played with a table-setter until Mo Cheeks in 1980. Doc was too nice to fight for shots. If he had a drawback, it was a legendary weakness for the ladies—he even knocked up a beat writer who covered Philly in the late seventies (fathering future tennis player Alexandra Stevenson with her). When they said Doc was the greatest interview in the league, they weren’t kidding. 65. In Doc’s first 14 seasons, he played 1,277 of a possible 1,349 games (including seven seasons of 95 games or more) without suffering a major injury. That’s an average of 91.2 games per year!

  Considering his style of play—acrobatic, up-and-down, above the rim—that’s incredible, no? Or do we credit the Obama treatment for at least some of that durability? Much like no pitcher wanted to be the dick who broke Cal Ripken’s hand and ended his streak, nobody wanted to be the dick who broke Doc’s leg with a hard foul. Let’s agree that he was superdurable and superrespected. 66. Undeniable symbolism given Kobe’s love for MJ: an actor with the initials M.J. played the Wolf (the character who represented Kobe’s struggles the most). Also, my friend Christian once argued that Fox picked number 42 as an homage to Jackie Robinson because he was the first werewolf to play organized, competitive basketball. Lots to think about with Teen Wolf. 67. His enduring advice: “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” This was also good: “It doesn’t matter how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose. And even that doesn’t make all that much difference.”