Another Miserable Love Song

by Brooke Carter

  “Yeah,” said Mike, “but drummers like him are a dime a dozen. Hell, the whole band could probably be scrapped, save for that hot guitarist and Misery, of course. Let’s face it—she’s the real deal. She’s the Courtney Love of the outfit. The rest can go. Frankly, I don’t know if the market is ready for whatever that Jamie kid is.”

  I had heard enough. The sheer gall this joker had to lie to our faces and then rip us apart as soon as we were out of earshot enraged me.

  “What. The. Hell!” I yelled.

  Mike and Johnny jumped, spinning around in their seats to see me standing there, red-faced and wielding Johnny’s silver flask.

  “You snake!” I was seething. I think I was literally seeing red.

  “Whoa there, Kallie,” said Mike, standing up.

  “You should be ashamed of yourself,” I said. I was so mad I felt like I was going to cry. I most definitely did not want to do that.

  “Kallie, look, this isn’t something unheard of. Lots of times you get a band and there are a couple of talented members and the rest are…well, they’re fine, but they’re holding the stars back, you know?”

  He leaned in closer to me.

  “Besides,” he said. “You’re a star, Kallie. The others…not so much. Don’t you want to be famous? Don’t you want to make enough money to pay rent? Huh? Jamie told me about your dad and everything.”

  At that moment, as he mentioned my dad and my old house, I felt something crack in my mind. I could almost hear it happening. It was the sound of me completely and totally losing it.

  “SCREW YOU!” I screamed as I nailed him across the temple with Johnny’s silver flask.

  Mike’s head snapped backward, and he staggered away from me, his hand on his head.

  I could see blood seeping out from between his fingers.

  “You bitch!” He lunged at me.

  “No!” Johnny jumped in front of me, blocking me, and gave Mike a swift jab to the solar plexus. Mike went down, hard.

  “Oh shit,” I said, suddenly scared. I had never really hit anyone before. As wild as I could be onstage, I didn’t really believe in violence. And as much as I hated Mike’s guts, I felt terrible that I had caused him an injury.

  “Don’t worry,” said Johnny. “I’ll take care of him. You get out of here. I’m going to make some calls to a few friends, and Mike here will be riding out of town on whatever bus he rode in on.”

  “But…” I trailed off, pointing to Mike’s head.

  “It’s not that bad,” said Johnny. “Besides, it was my flask that did it.”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “It’s okay. Get out of here.”

  I ran out the door.

  Everyone was pissy with me when I got back because I had taken so long, and I didn’t have the heart to tell them what had happened. Jamie gave me a look, as if he knew something was up, but I was too mad at him to even speak. He had told Mike about me, about my life and my dad. He had told him about my homelessness, for crying out loud. Where did he get off?

  Why was it that when something good happened in my life, it almost always got ruined before I had a chance to enjoy it? Couldn’t I for once just have a moment to be happy? Why did I keep losing everything that mattered to me? At dinner I ignored my food and just drank.

  I wondered if my whole life was going to be this roller coaster of ups and downs. Was it me? Or was I just unlucky?

  “Do you think I see things wrong?” I slurred at the waiter.

  He just looked at me quizzically.

  “More beer?” he asked.

  I shook my head. I was dizzy.

  “Water,” I said weakly. I stood up to go to the bathroom and promptly fell on my face. I considered trying to get up for a moment, but it was too much effort. Instead, I made friends with the carpet and succumbed to a blackness of sleep.

  Chapter Seven

  I woke up back at the hotel, my head pounding. Someone had removed my jeans and boots and had plopped me onto the loveseat. I was alone. Everyone must have been at breakfast.

  I groaned. When the band came back I would have to tell them about Mike. I would have to confront Jamie about his big mouth too. I needed a shower first.

  Gingerly I picked myself up off the loveseat. I went into the big sparkling bathroom and turned on the hot water.

  I peeled off my T-shirt, undies and bra and stepped under the spray. Man, that felt good. I felt my shoulders relax and wrapped my arms around myself in a kind of hug. The warmth enveloped me, and it was my undoing. I began to cry. Not just a small cry either—a big cry. A from-the-bottoms-of-your-feet kind of cry. It hurt and felt good all at once. I cried the way I should have when my dad died. I cried the way I should have when my mom left.

  I heard the door latch click, and then someone walked into the bathroom. It was Jamie.

  “Babe?” he called, his voice full of concern.

  “Y-yeah?” I sniffled, but I was no longer sad. In fact, I was happy to hear his voice. I could forget all that bullshit about him talking to Mike about me. He was probably just worried in typical Jamie fashion. I was lucky to have someone who cared so much about me.

  I peeled back the curtain a bit and poked my head out. I might have even let the shower curtain reveal a little more.

  Jamie blushed, and I smiled. A tiny victory. I figured I’d make my revenge the sexy kind. Then we’d both have fun.

  “Uh,” he said, trying to tear his eyes from me and failing, “you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “You?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Want to come in?” I asked.

  Again he blushed. “Yes,” he whispered. “But…”

  “But what?” I asked and then wished I hadn’t. I knew why. He didn’t want me to see him. Jamie was always hiding his body.

  I had an idea. “Turn off the light,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Turn it off and get in here.”

  Jamie’s eyes widened. “Okay,” he said.

  A second later the light went out, and it was almost totally dark in the bathroom. I felt the curtain shift and then sensed Jamie’s body come closer to mine. He stood just beyond my reach.

  “Come here,” I said softly.

  I felt him inch forward, and when he was close enough I took him in my arms and held him against me under the spray of the shower. He was trembling, but I just ran my hands up and down his back, caressing him as the warm water washed over us.

  “This is nice,” I murmured.

  “Mmm,” said Jamie. “Will you hold me like this forever?”

  I sighed and held him a little tighter. We stayed like that until the water began to run cold.

  I let him get out first so he could quickly dress. As much as I wanted to see him, I didn’t want to rush him. I figured he’d show me when he was ready. I could wait. Something told me I’d have a lifetime with him.

  He looked up at me as he ran a towel across his short hair. “What?” he asked.

  “I love you,” I said.

  Jamie smiled, and I knew I could never get sick of that sight.

  “This is turning into a great day,” Jamie said. “After last night I thought you were mad at me for something. I thought maybe you were disappointed in my drum performance.”

  “What? No, Jamie, that’s not…oh man. I have something to tell you.”

  “What is it?”

  I stepped out of the shower and began drying off. Jamie handed me my clothes.

  “Um. I have bad news. It’s Mike. I, uh, fired him.”

  “You WHAT?” Jamie was beyond shocked. “Why in the hell would you do that?”

  “Let me explain,” I said. “He wanted to split up the band. I heard him talking about us when I went back into the studio, and what he was saying was, well, less than flattering. He was bad news.”

  “Shit,” said Jamie. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m sorry. But it’s better that we find out now.”

  Jamie no
dded. “What do we tell the girls?”

  Just then the bathroom door flung open to reveal Dolly, LeeLee and Jelly. They looked downtrodden, heartbroken.

  “Whoa,” I said. “I guess you guys heard us.”

  Jelly nodded. “Screw that Mike guy. I didn’t like him anyway. Plus, his first name and last name were too similar. Creepy.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” said Dolly.

  “Good riddance,” said LeeLee.

  But their faces betrayed them. They all seemed really sad. Dolly in particular was looking at me with a grave expression. There was something else. I was scared to ask. Fortunately, Jamie did it for me.

  “You guys,” he said. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry, Kallie,” said Dolly. “We tried to make her go away.”

  “Huh?” I asked. What were they talking about? Who?

  “Who?” asked Jamie, echoing my thoughts.

  In a horrible moment of clarity, an image flashed in my mind.

  “No, Dolly,” I said. “Don’t. Don’t say it.”

  “I’m sorry, Kallie. Your mom is here.”

  In what seemed like the fundamental aspect of my existence, that great big turntable in the sky scratched and reversed again, and I was left reeling. Of course. Of course she would choose to show up now. Right before the biggest show our band had ever played. This was my moment, and she was here to ruin it.

  “Baby,” said Jamie. “You don’t have to see her.”

  “No, I do,” I said. I needed to see her, get it over with and move on with my life.

  “She’s in the lobby,” said LeeLee.

  “I’ll go with you,” offered Jelly. “I have some experience with messed-up moms.”

  I nodded. “I know. But I think I have to do this by myself.”

  “Okay,” said Jamie. “Whatever you need.”

  “What I need is my dad,” I said, and I felt the tears start to fall again.

  “Honey,” said Dolly, “you have a little piece of your dad right here.”

  I thought for a moment. Of course, she was right. The tea tin that contained Dad’s echoes. I had been putting it off for so long.

  “Yeah,” I said. “You’re right. Okay. I’ll open the tin.”

  Dolly smiled. “That’s my girl.”

  “We’re going to head over to the studio to talk to Johnny,” said LeeLee. “He called Dolly’s cell a few minutes ago. He says we can come practice before the gig tomorrow. No Mike.”

  I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “You guys go on ahead. I’ll show up later.”

  They gathered their stuff to leave, and Jamie gave me a last look.

  Once they were gone I pulled out the tea tin and sat down on the loveseat.

  There were the random scraps of paper my dad had stashed for me, all his echoes and lost notes. I didn’t know where to begin, so I started at the top. I picked up a piece of thin lined paper and unfolded it. I recognized my dad’s handwriting immediately. It was like getting a hug from him from across the universe. I read the echo:

  Kalliope,

  Did you know that Kalliope was the eldest of the muses? The muses were the goddesses of music.

  I named you after her because I had never been that eloquent. All my life I tried to write songs and make it in music, but I just didn’t have the talent. Then you were born. And I did my best writing every day since. Thank you for being my muse.

  Love,

  Dad

  The tears were really flowing. But I couldn’t stop. I opened another.

  Baby girl,

  In case you have the foolish idea that you were ever a mistake, or ever anything but a divine gift from the universe, you need to know that my life as your dad has been a great life.

  Yes, honey, it was short. The end sucked. But I don’t regret a single moment I spent with you.

  Daddy

  God, could I do this? I picked up an envelope labeled MOM and opened it, not sure what I’d find.

  Kallie,

  Your mom just left, and I don’t know how or what to tell you. You’re only a little girl, and you must be so hurt. I know I am.

  Kallie, your mom does love you, but she has problems. Serious problems.

  I hope one day she will come back and you will forgive her. I will try too.

  Dad

  PS. I love you more than anything. All the time. No matter what. And I will never leave you.

  I sighed and leaned back on the loveseat. Dad did leave, but not by choice. And now the woman who abandoned us was back, waiting in the lobby right this moment.

  I looked in the tin. There was one note left. I opened it.

  LOVE.

  Remember what is most important.

  LOVE, FRIENDS, FAMILY.

  If you remember that, you cannot go wrong.

  I have loved you every day of your life.

  I will love you until the end of time.

  “Oh, Dad,” I whispered. “I love you too.”

  I looked into the tin. Inside was a small purple velvet ring box. With shaking hands I lifted it out. I was scared when I opened it that it would be empty, but it wasn’t.

  Inside was an antique-looking ring with a diamond in the center and yellow stones on the outside. It looked like a star-burst. I tried it on, but it was way too big.

  I placed it on the chain I wore around my neck, next to one of Dolly’s shredded guitar picks. I breathed in deeply. Time to go and meet the past.

  Chapter Eight

  The elevator ride down from the sixth floor was quick—too quick—and I wished it had given me more time to prepare. I felt myself slipping into Misery mode, but I squashed it down. If I was going to face my mom, I had to do it as Kallie, as myself.

  But what if I did? What if I saw her and she was sorry and she wanted to be part of my life again? What then? The thought had me reeling, and a little hopeful too. I figured she’d sought me out because of the publicity the band had been getting and because of our upcoming show, but that only made her silence after dad’s death all the more painful. Where was she then?

  The elevator doors opened and I stepped into the lobby. At first I thought it was empty, but then I spotted a head of dark hair partly obscured by a potted plant. When I walked around the nicely upholstered couches and armchairs, I could see that it was a woman’s.

  She was very thin, with long black hair and a long face. It was Mom. Even though I hadn’t seen her for half my life, I knew her instantly. It was almost like I could feel an invisible string drawing me to her, or an energy field that linked us together. As I stood and stared at her, she turned her head. She smiled.

  I wanted to bolt and run out of there to go find Jamie, have him hold me and comfort me, but I knew I had to face her. Besides, she had seen me and was rising from her seat. Man, was she skinny. And she looked old, much older than Dad had looked, and they were the same age.

  I had seen pictures of her as I was growing up—Dad would never have kept those from me, wouldn’t have hurt me like that no matter how angry he was at her—and she looked like a shadow of her former self.

  “Kalliope,” she said, and her voice cut through me like a knife.

  “Anna,” I said, using her proper name, and I could see her smile falter a little bit. See, Mom? I can cut too.

  “Please,” she said. “Can we talk?”

  I walked over to her, and my legs felt like they were made of lead. I got close enough to touch her, and when she held her arms out to me in an awkward attempt at a hug, I slipped past her and sunk down onto the couch.

  “Okay,” she said and sat down too.

  “Hi,” I said, feeling a little bolder.

  “Hi,” she said, almost shyly. She looked me over, taking me in, and I could tell she was sizing me up just as much as I was sizing her up.

  I noticed that her hands looked rough, like they had been plunged into very hot water for many years, and all the veins stood out on her forearms. Her legs looked like sticks in her loose trousers.
I could tell that if she weren’t so wasted-looking, she’d be quite an attractive woman, beautiful even, but the lines in her face were unhappy lines, and her teeth were in horrible condition.

  “Kalliope,” she said, again insisting on using my full name, the name my dad had given me. “I have been following you and your band’s progress.”

  She rummaged in her oversized bag and produced a couple of our handbills and gig posters.

  “Wow,” I said. I was surprised by the sound of my own voice. I sounded older, stronger and infinitely edgier than I’d thought I would.

  “Okay,” she said. “I get it. I haven’t been around. But I’m so proud of you, Kalliope. Of what you’ve done. You’ve accomplished what even your dad could never do.”

  When she said that, it was like all the air was suddenly sucked from the room.

  “Don’t talk about him,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Kalliope, I’m sorry that he passed. That must have been so hard for you.”

  “What do you know about it?” I wanted to scream the words, but instead they came out in this eerily calm way that freaked even me out. I could see it unsettled her too. She shifted in her seat.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah. You should be, you know? I was alone and he was dying.”

  “I’m here now,” she said. She leaned in toward me. After a moment she pointed at my neck.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Is that…? No, it couldn’t be. Is that my ring?”

  I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. I gave a half nod.

  “Wow, it’s great that your dad kept it all this time. I kind of thought he’d lost it.”

  “No,” I said. “He didn’t lose it. He kept it. For me.”

  “You know, Kallie,” she said, “I’m having a bit of a hard time right now. This is difficult for me to say, but I don’t have anywhere to live. I lost my apartment.”

  “Homeless?” I asked. “I know something about that.”

  “Then you know how rough it is,” she said. “I thought maybe you could give me a job with your band, or maybe loan me a few bucks. But now that I see you have my ring, maybe you can just give it back to me and I’ll be out of your hair.”

  As I looked at her, a funny thing happened. A lot of my anger just kind of melted away. This wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about how much she loved me or didn’t love me, or whether I was lovable enough. I knew that I was enough. I had proof of that in my dad and in my friends and in Jamie. I felt it within myself. This was about a sick woman looking to score.