Then they asked him what was wrong

by Jesse West

  Then, just as Jack thought he may have been wrong with everything he had done, he knew he wasn’t finished. He realized that the person he wanted to change the most, the person who had wronged him in the worst way possible, still felt they were untouched through all of this. His mother. Nothing he had done up to that point seemed to have changed anything to her. In his mind, Jack was far from done.

  “Jackie?” Emily sounded concern as she grabbed his attention back.

  “Emily, I need to talk to Rick. Is he still there?”

  Rick was just behind Emily as she turned to hand him the radio.

  “I’m here Jackie.”

  “Good to see you didn’t leave after I snapped on you before.”

  “Yeah, I’m use to your outbursts by now.”

  “You didn’t deserve that though man. If ever there was someone who understood more than my sister…it’d be you. And you didn’t deserve to feel my anger.”

  “You don’t have to apologize to me dude. We’ve been through a lot over the last few years. I wasn’t concerned when you took the situation into your hands back in May,” he was referring to the abusing husband Jack beat in front of the mother and child “and I’m not concerned about you now. You may have gotten suspended for it but you know, deep down, not a single one of us looks at you differently. You did what every cop in a situation like that wished he could do.”

  “Thanks Ricky.” That little bit gave Jack a lot. No one had ever really told him flat out how they felt about him after that situation.

  “You remember that time we got a call to a 711 about that guy who started drinking the beer out of the freezer before he paid for it? We got there and he was sitting in front of the freezer with a six pack and declared he was having a sit down strike. Hahaha,” Rick was recalling a story that made them both laugh. He heard Jack laughing on the other side of the radio too.

  “Hahaha, oh yeah. That guy refused to move even after we told him it was closing. He said he’d sleep here and we could spend the night then he’d make breakfast in the morning!”

  They both shared a good laugh over an old story. As it died down, Jack continued.

  “Rick, you’ve always been a good friend and a great partner. I appreciate all the support and help you’ve ever given me. You’re like a brother I never had.”

  “I’m always here for you Jackie, and we’re going to get through this.” Rick replied.

  “I just I need you to understand something. You may have been there and you know what my life is like for the most part but you’re not me. When you said you understood what I was going through, you can’t say that. No one out there with you right now can say that. I’m not saying my life is any better or worse than the next person but I’m not anyone else. I’m just me and the way my life has turned out has molded me up to this point. If you were to experience anything that I’ve been through than maybe you would have a different outlook on things but I really can’t say that. I can’t say things would be different if it was you or if I had your life because that takes it away from you. What makes us all great is our individualities. The way we react to the world. You may not laugh at something I find funny. I may not be scared by the things that terrify you. These are the big things that separate us and make us different. So telling me that I can make it through this when you’ve never experienced it doesn’t fill me with relief. Telling me that other people in my exact situation have made it through it doesn’t make it easier for me. The only person that has been here the entire time and has been the most affected is me. I’m not going to ask you to understand me, but I am going to ask you to respect the fact that no one is me. Not you, not Emily, not the Lieutenant, no one out there and no one in here can be me! It does not matter if someone else has remotely been through any of the shit that I’ve been through. That can’t tell me I’ll be ok. They are not me either! I’m the only one here and I’m the only one that lives with this the way it’s affected me. No one else. Just me.”

  Jack ended his rant in silence. His voice echoed throughout the radio as Rick listened on. Emily was leaning against the car a few feet away and heard his speech. They stood there and couldn’t think of anything to say. Deep down, Rick agreed with him. Who was he to tell him anything about how he should handle himself.

  “I’m sorry Jackie. You’re right and I’m sorry.” He voice was sincere and honest as he apologized to Jack.

  “I don’t want an apology man…I just want you to understand. I just want everyone to understand.”

  “If you want that than you have to come out and tell them yourself.”

  Jack looked at the clock and saw he didn’t have much time left.

  “Not yet. I’ve still got some time left.” He stood up from the floor and took one last look out the window. He saw Rick standing there with the radio in his hand and Emily leaning up against the car. The only two people in the world in cared about were both there, both willing to help him.

  “Jackie,” Rick said over the radio, “it doesn’t matter about the time you need to come out.”

  “Not yet Ricky.” Jack turned and slowly walked to the center of the living room. He stood there and stared into the dining room, his body outlined by the light coming from outside. “I’ve got to do one last thing.”

  “Come on Jackie. Let’s stop all of this and go home.” Rick was trying to be convincing but it was no use.

  “Thanks Rick, thanks for everything.” He spoke into the radio one last time before he turned it off and put it down on the couch.

  “Jackie? Jackie?!” Rick shouted into the radio then turned to Emily, “He shut it off.”

  “What happened?” Lynn approached Rick concerned about what was going on.

  “We were talking then he shut it off.”

  “What was the last thing he said?”

  “I told him it was time to come out and he said he had one last thing to do.”

  This concerned Lynn as he rushed back to the car.

  In the house, Jack walked up to his mother and stood in front of her. He didn’t say a word, he untied her hand from the radiator than cuffed both her hands behind her back.

  “What are you doing Jackie? OW! You’re hurting me!” She was scared and worried about what he was going to do.

  He took one last glance around at the others than he stared at Bobby who was out cold on the floor, still cuffed to the radiator. He stared long and hard till he led her out of the dining room and up the stairs of the house. Once upstairs, he walked her into the front room; the room he shared with them while he lived there. He forced her down to kneel on the floor then he pulled up a stool in the room and sat in front of her.

  Lynn picked up the radio on the hood of the car “Does anyone have a visual? Anything going on in there? Somebody give me something!”

  One after another, the teams reported back with nothing.

  “Dammit!” Lynn was pissed that he had nothing to work with. He looked at his watch and saw that the hour hadn’t finished yet. “He still has a little time before he supposed to come out.”

  “You need to send them in now, Lieutenant,” the captain demanded.

  “No. There’s still a chance. We have to wait a bit longer.” Lynn replied with confidence.

  “Lieutenant.” The radio went off, it was the sniper that was in the house across the street.

  “Yeah, what do you got for me?”

  “Movement on the second floor. With no lights I can only see some shadows but it appears to be two figures walking around on the second floor. Can’t tell who they are.” She never took her eye out of her scope while she followed the shadows.

  “Have any teams moved into the house yet?” Lynn asked one of the other officers.

  “No one has moved sir. All teams are still in their positions.” Another officer replied.

  “Ok. Mahoney, you keep your eye on the figures but you do not fire unless I say so.”

  “Got it.”

  Lynn stared at the windows of the second fl
oor trying to see if he could see what Mahoney saw with no luck.

  “Hello mother.” Jack sat there in front of his mother with the gun in his hand. “What do you think they’re doing out there?” he said as he looked over at the window.

  “Jack, I heard what you said and I know things are tough but you are a strong man. You can get through anything.” She tried to sound remorseful but that’s not what Jack wanted.

  “I got through you. I survived Bobby. I even managed to keep it together when dad died.” He paused for a second.

  “Jackie.” His mother tried to grab his attention but he continued.

  “I know what I can make it through.” He proclaimed. “I don’t need you to tell me that.” The tone of his voice was filled with annoyance from what his mother said.

  “So what do you want? What do you need for this to end? You need to stop this Jackie!” she was beginning to get frantic.

  “You really want to know what I want, do ya?”

  “Yes. Tell me. I’m your mother and you can tell me anything.”

  He took a moment while staring at her till he explained exactly what he wanted.

  “I want you to accept your faults. I want you to acknowledge that what you’ve done was wrong. I want you to truly understand that nothing you’ve done from the day I was born down to this very evening was good for me in anyway or even right for that matter. I want you tell me, from the heart, that you truly understand that everything you’ve done has made you less and less of a mother to me. I want you to apologize to me for not being my mother.”

  “I will always be your mother! I don’t need to accept or apologize for anything I’ve done because I am your mother and I will always know what’s best for you!” her voice was strict while she felt his request was absurd.

  “No! Obviously you’re wrong! Everything that’s happened tonight has been because of you! I’m doing this because you are wrong! You need to accept that you’ve been wrong and you have failed me as a mother! You need to accept that! Then. Only Then will this be over!”

  “I have not failed you! I am your mother!”

  “No you’re not!” he shouted and raised the gun, pointing it right at her. “Say it!” he cocked the trigger back, “Tell me!” he couldn’t control himself as he was becoming emotional while the gun was shaking in his hand “Tell me” she stared at the gun while he stared right at her “you’re sorry.”

  There was silence. His hands were still shaking while he pointed the gun at his own mother. Her glare lifted from the gun to his face and she saw how broken he was. She feared what he would do, whether or not he would actually shoot her. After everything she has witnessed him do tonight it didn’t seem unrealistic but she still didn’t feel he was right. She stared at him and began breathing heavier.

  “I am your mother and I’ve done nothing wrong. Now get this gun out of my face Jack.”

  He couldn’t believe it. She was so resistant after everything. He didn’t think he was asking for much but she wouldn’t give him anything. His expression fell to disbelief as he dropped his arm heavily, lowering the gun. He sat there and stared at her, the defiance in her eyes. To him, she had wounded and left scars on him in so many ways, but to her nothing was wrong. He lowered his head in defeat.

  “I thought…maybe…after everything…you’d see how hurt I am…how much I just wanted you to see that…but you don’t see it…and maybe…you never will…”

  “Jackie,” she was still more worried about the gun, “You need to put the gun down and stop this. We can get through this together.”

  “No,” he replied confidently, “No we can’t. And we won’t get through it together.”

  “Listen to me Jackie.”

  “Ya see, I just wanted you to understand what you’ve done but it’s clear that you never will.”

  “You need to listen to me Jackie, I am your mother and I’m trying to help you,” she began to panic.

  “No,” he said while looking up at her, “You are not my mother.” her expression filled with gloom as she listened to him.

  “You’re not my mother.” he said again with confidence. ”You never were and you never will be.”

  He kept his eyes glued to hers as he lifted the gun again. Panic struck Jeanette as she expected the worst but she never stopped looking right at Jack; right into his eyes.

  He pointed the gun at her while his mind swam in a helix of anxiety and tension. Everything in his mind told him to pull the trigger. Deep down he knew he wanted to but that’s not what he planned to do. After everything he did tonight, whether it would have led down the path he wished for this family or not, he already knew how this was going to end. Without another word, he pointed the gun at his own head and pulled the trigger.

  The life left his eyes almost instantly yet they remained opened as his insensible body fell to the floor. She stared at him the whole time as it fell to the ground in front of her, almost in slow motion as if time had frozen. His eyes still never closing; still lifeless.

  The gun shot began an uproar outside. Neighbors and police panicked as things began to move fast.

  “JACKIE!” Emily screamed as soon as they heard the shot.

  Lynn immediately got on the radio. “Mahoney! Mahoney! You see anything?!”

  “Nothing sir.”

  “That’s it lieutenant, get them in there now!” the captain demanded.

  “All teams, move in. Now!” Lynn shouted over the radio.

  One by one, the teams breached the house entering from the back. They got to the dining room and saw everyone that was tied up.

  “Sir, we have the hostages.”

  Two other officers went up the stairs as they cleared the first floor.

  “Alright, we’re coming in.” Lynn put the radio down, pulled his gun out and began to make his way towards the house. “Everyone in!”

  Emily was still shouting while being held back by Rick from running into the house herself.

  “Emily! You need to stay here. I’m going to go in and check on Jackie. You need to stay here with this officer.”

  Emily couldn’t stop crying and shouting incoherently. Rick left her and began to run towards the house. He glanced over to one of the patrol cars and saw the kids sitting there, staring at the house as well. The concern on their face both confused and took Rick off guard. As he got into the house following the other officers, he walked into the front hallway leading to the dining room and saw the others being taken care of by the swat team. They were untied and their wounds were being treated. Those not injured were being escorted out of the house.

  “Where’s Lynn?” he asked one of the officers.

  “Up stairs.”

  Rick sped up the stairs where he was stopped by Lynn at the top of the steps.

  “No Rick. I can’t let you in there.”

  “What do you mean?” he didn’t understand why he was being stopped.

  “You just can’t go in there.” Lynn stood in front of him not letting him pass.

  “Get out of my way Lieutenant.”

  “Listen to me, you don’t…” before he could finish, Rick shoved him aside and walked into the room.

  There he discovered Jack’s body. The captain was the only one standing the room. He demanded that everyone left the room until Rick got there. He walked in and fell to his knees. He couldn’t believe it. There his partner lied, dead. The Captain put his hand on his shoulder as they stood there and stared at Jack’s body. Nobody expected this. Nobody wanted this. As badly as the captain wanted this to end, he didn’t want this.

  A woman was in the room with them. She was leaning over his body, crying and shouting with her hands tied behind her back. No one could move her. She was saying the same thing over and over again.

  “I’m sorry baby! My poor, poor baby! I’m so sorry for everything! I love you so much! I’m so sorry!”

  Over and over again.

  Jack got what he wanted, but it took him showing her exactly how hurt he was by
taking his own life. He showed her that he was tormented so much that he truly felt nothing could help him. Even if she realized he was right and gave him what he wanted, no one will ever know if it would have brought him clarity.

  Rick couldn’t speak nor move. Frozen in place as he still couldn’t process that Jack was dead. Finally realizing she wasn’t alone, Jeanette lifted her head up slowly. Some of her hair was stuck to her face and it was covered in mascara. She looked as if part of her soul was broken. Deep down there truly was a mother that maybe Jack never saw, but it was a mother that she never portrayed to him. She looked at Rick who had brought his attention from Jack’s body to her. As she stared at him, she said something different from any of her rambling. Something that tingled the heart. Something that if only Jack could hear, maybe things would be different, but it was too late. Rick was the one she was speaking to and it would be something that would stick with him for a long time. Every time he would ever think about Jack, he would remember this moment and these resonating words:

  “Look what I did to my baby.”