The Man I Didn't Marry

by Anna Bell

  ‘You are one lucky woman,’ she says.

  ‘So are you, you’ve got your work,’ I say, trying not to sound too sarcastic as I bounce Sasha on my knee and clap her hands together. ‘And it’s your calling.’

  ‘Hmm. Yes, I guess so.’ She slips her jacket back on and slides her chair back. ‘God, it’s such a shame you weren’t lesbians. We were planning this feature for next month on the show and it’s about same-sex couples who adopt and we’ve got a few men but we’re short on women.’

  And finally, the penny drops as to why she was so keen to sit down and chat.

  ‘Sorry we couldn’t help,’ I say, flatly.

  ‘No worries,’ she says, standing up. ‘I probably should get going. Perhaps I’ll see you at the next reunion.’

  She slips her tiny bag over her shoulder.

  ‘Hey, yeah, perhaps we can come together,’ says Rach, patting my hand. ‘Cause a real stir.’

  Cara half smiles before hurrying away.

  Rach and I exchange looks, trying desperately not to laugh until she’s out of earshot.

  ‘Bloody hell, she hasn’t changed a bit from school. She’s still a massive bitch,’ says Rach, when she finally disappears out of view.

  ‘That’s a bit harsh,’ I say.

  ‘Oh, come on, did you see her face when she realised you were with Max?’

  ‘She’s not the only one that does that,’ I say. Sasha starts wants to wriggle off my lap so I let her and she toddles between me and Rach, excited for her new-found freedom.

  ‘No, but she’s probably the only one that would say it to your face. I can’t believe we used to want her to notice us.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘So, now that she’s gone, shall we get back to what you wanted to talk about?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ says Rach, exhaling a deep breath.

  My phone vibrates across the table again. I pick it up.

  ‘It’s a voicemail, your mum phoned earlier.’

  ‘Answer it,’ says Rach. ‘She’s probably just got an icing sugar emergency.’ Sasha reaches out to her and Rach tickles her, much to her delight.

  I laugh at the two of them. Sasha keeps toddling away but going back for more each time, but as the message starts to play the smile slides off my face.

  ‘Ellie, it’s Judy um… Max is here and he’s… well, he looks fine, but I think there’s definitely something wrong with him. I think you need to get over here as soon as you can.’

  My heart starts to beat rapidly.

  ‘What’s wrong, Ellie?’ says Rach, sitting forward.

  ‘It’s Max,’ I say, dialling Judy’s number but it’s engaged and I leave her a quick message asking her to call me, but then I see that my battery is almost dead. ‘Your mum says that there’s something wrong with him. Shit, why didn’t I charge my sodding phone?’

  I try Max’s number but it goes straight through to voicemail.

  ‘I left mine charging at Mum’s,’ says Rach. ‘Come on, let’s go straight there.’

  ‘But it’ll take us half an hour to walk there.’

  ‘Or twenty if we hurry. Come on.’

  I can’t seem to make my feet work.

  ‘But we were going to talk about you and Gaby.’

  Rach pops Sasha back into the stroller. ‘Don’t worry about that now; we need to make sure Max is OK.’

  ‘OK, OK,’ I say, my voice unsteady.

  ‘Come on.’ Rach takes hold of the stroller and starts marching down the path and I follow after. ‘I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. You know what Mum’s like; she loves her amateur dramatics.’

  I hope that Rach is right, but my stomach is churning at the thought of how scared Judy sounded and I get the feeling that something is very wrong.

  Chapter 3

  By the time I get to my mother-in-law’s house, Sasha is asleep again, and Rach and I are red-faced and sweaty.

  ‘I’m going to put the stroller under the tree in the back,’ I say, as Rach heads straight to the front door.

  ‘OK, see you in a sec,’ she says, putting her key in the lock. I unlock the side gate and wheel Sasha into the shade of the big oak tree and head towards the back door. I glance through the kitchen window and sigh with relief as I see Max poking his head in the fridge – he’s all in one piece.

  ‘You,’ I say, opening the door and pointing a finger at him. ‘You are in big trouble.’

  He jumps back in surprise and holds his hands up.

  I give him a once-over. There’s not a scratch on him. Bloody Judy. She should know better than to leave a message like that on the answerphone of a heavily pregnant woman. I’m not sure why Max came here instead of heading back home, but knowing him, he probably lost his keys and his phone battery had died like mine.

  ‘Come here,’ I say with relief as I walk towards him and throw my arms around his neck. ‘What are you doing here?’

  He steps backwards, hitting the kitchen wall with a thump, his face panic-stricken.

  ‘This is my mum’s house.’ He narrows his eyes before a small smile spreads over his face. ‘Spider, blimey, I almost didn’t recognise you.’

  I stop still. He knows I hate that nickname. He hasn’t called me that since the night in the club when we got together. I push my much thinner-lensed glasses up my nose.

  ‘Very funny, Max,’ I say, taking a step back.

  ‘Bloody hell. You sure grew up, didn’t you? It doesn’t look like there’s much tissue paper in there today,’ he says, dropping his voice and giving me a wink.

  In fact, he said that that night in the club too.

  ‘Is this some kind of role play we’re doing?’ I say, confused. He’s looking at me with the same sort of look that usually leads to us abandoning clothes and ending up in the bedroom.

  I’d only been kidding about it this morning, but he’s obviously spent time concocting this.

  ‘Role play? Yes, you were always into that, weren’t you? You and Rach used to be in that club at school, what was it – Dungeons and Dragons?’ says Max with a laugh.

  Pretending like we haven’t seen each other from school is not the role play I’d had in mind, but, fresh from the encounter with Cara Worthington, perhaps re-enacting a fantasy where the geek that got the guy would be fitting.

  ‘Oh right, gotcha. So, Max, do you come here often?’ I try and purr but it sounds more like I’ve got a fur ball stuck in my throat.

  ‘Well, it is my mum’s house…’

  ‘Oh yeah.’ I’m so rubbish at this acting malarkey, unlike Max who’s taking it very seriously, playing hard to get. ‘But your mum’s not here now, is she?’

  ‘Er, no, she’s in the lounge, on the phone.’

  I edge forwards and he presses himself almost flat against the wall. My bump is pinning him in place – he’s not going anywhere.

  ‘That’s handy,’ I say, running my finger down the buttons of his shirt.

  ‘What are you doing, Spider? I know that you used to have a bit of a crush on me but I never thought you’d do anything about it… I had no idea what you were really like.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ I say, finally nailing the purr. ‘Those abs…’ I reach out and stroke them. ‘And that bum of yours.’

  ‘Spider,’ he says again in shock as I cup his bum and it only makes me giggle more. I’m actually quite enjoying this. Who knew this could be so fun?

  ‘You know,’ I say, ‘when we were teenagers eating at that very table, I used to imagine what it would be like to have sex with you on top of it.’

  ‘Bloody hell, my mum is only in the next room,’ he says, looking horrified and wriggling away from me and the kitchen wall. ‘This is wrong on so many levels, not least because you’re pregnant and,’ he says, grabbing my hand, ‘you’re also married.’

  I mock-roll my eyes.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, my husband doesn’t need to find out. Plus, you’re much better-looking than him.’

  Max momentarily puffs out his chest at the com
pliment; he is so in character it’s almost funny. He starts to back away from me, walking behind the table, and I follow him, finding myself chasing him slowly round it.

  ‘This is wrong,’ he says.

  ‘But isn’t that what makes it so right?’ I say in an over-the-top voice, finally grabbing hold of him and pinning him with my arms more forcefully against the wall and leaning up to kiss him.

  ‘Right, Mum’s filled me in. She’s phoned Gaby—’ says Rach, bursting into the kitchen and causing us to leap apart. I try and compose myself, whilst Max just stares at me like he’s been hit by bus. ‘Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.’

  ‘You didn’t,’ I say, pretending I’m not mortified.

  ‘I guess everything is fine, then?’ says Rach, folding her arms across her chest and staring between us.

  ‘Everything is fine,’ I say, straightening my top. ‘I was just about to fill Max in on the fact that we bumped into Cara Worthington from school.’

  ‘I remember her, the one with the blonde hair and the big boobs.’

  Rach and I snap our heads round and stare at him.

  ‘What?’ He shrugs, digging into the fridge. ‘That’s what she was known for at school. That, and she’d swallow.’

  My mouth drops open.

  ‘Come on, Spider, you shouldn’t look so shocked. You didn’t seem that shy a few minutes ago.’

  ‘Spider?’ says Rach in a low voice, studying my face for a reaction.

  ‘Oh God. We were pretending not to be together. You know how couples do to, um—’ my cheeks flush even more ‘—um… well, never mind.’

  ‘I’m just going to pretend that I don’t know that you two do stuff like that, but Ellie, Mum said that there’s something wrong with Max.’

  Max sighs loudly.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s all of you that are acting weird. You, Mum, Spider. Do you know she came on to me? I mean, if anyone was acting weird it’s her. She kissed me, and she’s married and up the duff,’ he says in an almost whisper towards Rach.

  ‘No shit, Sherlock,’ she whispers back.

  ‘Well, it was her fault, she came on to me, so don’t you be having a go that I came on to her. She’s the one with the husband.’

  ‘Max, stop this, it’s one thing for us to pretend amongst ourselves, but don’t drag Rach into it,’ I say, mortified.

  ‘What do you mean, stop pretending – pretending what?’ he says.

  I can sense Rach’s eyes burning into me.

  ‘Ellie—’ she starts, but I don’t let her finish.

  ‘You. You are my husband. This is your baby.’

  Max narrows his eyes and looks at me before he starts to laugh.

  ‘Good one, Spider. Look, can everyone stop joking?’

  ‘I’ve found my keys,’ says Judy, bursting into the room. ‘Have you brought Ellie up to speed? Ah, darling, there you are.’

  She comes over and takes hold of both of my hands.

  ‘Did Rach tell you that I phoned Gaby? She says that we should go straight to A&E to get Max looked at.’

  He groans.

  ‘I’ve told you, Mum, I’m fine.’

  ‘Max? What is going on? Why would you need to go to A&E?’ I feel panicked. None of this is making any sense.

  ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong. My mum, as per usual, is overreacting about everything. What time’s Dad going to be home, he’ll calm you down.’

  ‘Your dad? But—’

  ‘He’s not back anytime soon, love,’ says Judy cutting me off and shooting me a look.

  ‘Shame, as he’d sort this right out,’ Max says with an exasperated sigh.

  ‘Would someone please tell me what’s going on?’ For someone whose profession it is to connect the dots between pieces of information, I’m doing a pretty bad job of it here.

  ‘Everyone’s gone flipping crazy, that’s what,’ says Max. ‘From Mum and Rach trying to pack me off to the hospital and you sticking your tongue down my throat. All I want to do is have a beer and watch the football.’

  My heart is starting to pound loud enough for me to hear.

  ‘But Gaby says we should go to A&E right away,’ says Judy.

  ‘Well, whoever Gaby is, she’s wrong,’ he says, leaning into the fridge and taking out a beer.

  ‘What do you mean, whoever Gaby is?’ I say.

  I’m starting to feel light-headed and sick now that this is moving beyond a joke and I sit on a chair before I fall down.

  ‘I don’t know, but whatever trick you’re playing it’s not funny. I’m going to watch the football,’ he says, storming out.

  As I look between Judy and Rach, the faint sound of the TV in the lounge drifts in.

  Rach sits me down on a chair and pulls up one for herself.

  ‘Max turned up here about an hour ago and he’s a bit confused,’ she says quietly.

  ‘Confused?’

  ‘He said he was in Chiswick and he didn’t know what he was doing there, so he went to his flat in Brixton but there was someone else living there. Then he saw his train pass for Fleet in his wallet and he came here.’

  It takes a moment for what she’s saying to all sink in.

  ‘Brixton? Why would he think he lived in Brixton? He’s moved twice since then. And what was he doing in Chiswick? That’s nowhere near his office.’

  My wrists begin to tingle and it travels up my arms to my neck, before my whole body starts to burn.

  ‘We really don’t know what’s going on, but it seems like he’s lost his memory,’ says Judy.

  ‘His memory?’ I say scrunching up my face. ‘People don’t just lose their memory. Surely that only happens in the movies.’

  ‘It’s the only thing we can think of. He still thinks he’s thirty-two and that he lives in Brixton. He doesn’t remember you two getting together or that you’ve moved to Fleet.’

  I shake my head. He can’t have forgotten the last five years of his life. I stand up quickly and have to clutch the table as my head is spinning wildly.

  ‘This isn’t happening,’ I say, marching towards the lounge and throwing open the door.

  Max is sitting on the couch flicking through the channels with the remote.

  ‘I keep trying to find the sports channels, but they’re blocked. Dad’ll be furious that they’re not working.’

  I grip the back of the sofa, my legs still unsteady.

  That’s the second time he’s mentioned his dad; he’s barely spoken about him in four and a half years.

  ‘Ellie, love,’ says Judy, walking in, her face as white as a sheet, ‘we need to get him to the hospital. I’m worried that he’s had some sort of fall and hit his head.’

  Max runs his hands through his hair and familiar butterflies stir in my stomach – only today it’s with nerves, not lust.

  ‘I can hear you, you know. And I’m fine,’ he says, shrugging. ‘Mum, what’s happened to Sky Sports?’

  ‘We got rid of it,’ she says.

  ‘Why would Dad do that?’ he says, screwing his face up, but before Judy can answer there’s a whimper from the hallway and Rach walks in with Sasha in her arms.

  ‘Look who’s just woken up,’ she says, and Sasha pulls towards me.

  ‘Is that your baby?’ says Max, standing up from the sofa. ‘Do I know the father?’

  I’m too stunned to reply. I don’t want to believe that Rach and Judy are right but if he’s not trying to spice up our sex life, then I’m running out of logical reasons as to why he’s doing this.

  Sasha sees Max and lunges towards him. I instinctively pass her over but I don’t miss the look of horror on his face.

  ‘What am I supposed to do?’ he says, taking her a little awkwardly. But as soon as she’s in his arms, he balances her on his hips and starts to smile at her.

  For a minute I think everything’s going to be OK. I look over at Judy with relief. Whatever little episode that was, it’s over now, and he’s back to normal.

  �
��I think she’s done something in her nappy,’ he says, quickly holding her out to me. ‘I’m going to get another beer before I try and work out what’s happened to the sports channels. She’s cute, though, despite the smell.’

  He leaves the room and I turn to Judy and Rach.

  ‘What the bloody hell is going on?’ I say, holding on to Sasha just a little too tight.

  ‘You have to be careful, love, you don’t want to upset the baby.’

  ‘Upset the baby? Judy, my husband doesn’t have a clue that we’re married or that he’s a dad. How could I not get worked up?’

  ‘I know it’s hard,’ Judy says, trying to sound calm when she’s anything but. ‘It’s just that now is not the time for this baby to arrive, OK?’

  ‘I know, I know,’ I say, breathing out heavily. ‘I just don’t understand what’s happening.’

  ‘Gaby said it could be any number of things and that he probably needs to see a neurologist. She said not to worry as in most cases amnesia is very short-lived,’ says Judy.

  Rach takes Sasha from me before helping me sit down on the sofa.

  ‘Amnesia,’ I say, confused. ‘How can it be amnesia? He remembers who we all are.’

  Judy rubs her forehead and exhales deeply.

  ‘But he doesn’t seem to remember the last five or six years.’

  ‘The last five or six years,’ I say, choking up. So much has happened since then. His dad leaving. Us getting together. Us getting married. Sasha being born. Me getting pregnant again. ‘He’s got to be putting it on. He isn’t acting like someone who’s lost their mind. He doesn’t seem upset or traumatised like you’d imagine he would be – in fact he’s the most relaxed I’ve seen him look in ages. Gaby must be wrong.’

  Judy winces. ‘Let’s not second-guess everything. Gaby said to go to the hospital and get it all checked out.’

  ‘He’s under so much pressure from work at the moment, what if it’s tipped him over the edge?’ I try to take deep breaths as adrenaline starts to kick in.

  ‘I’m sure that’s all it is,’ says Judy in a calming voice. ‘But let’s get him checked out sooner rather than later. OK?’

  ‘How about I stay here?’ says Rach. ‘I can look after Sasha.’

  ‘Would you mind?’ I say, relieved, as right now I don’t think I can manage to look after her and worry about Max.