Ripple: A Novel

by Cedergreen, L. D.

  A few weeks later I was sitting in a chair outside the guidance counselor’s office waiting to see about next quarter’s registration, when Josh came bounding up and sat beside me.

  “Hey,” he whispered.

  “Hey yourself,” I whispered back.

  “You waiting to see Mr. Shelby?” he asked as he fidgeted with a piece of paper in his hand.

  “Yep. I have to go over my schedule for next quarter, trying to make the best of my pre-reqs. What about you?”

  “I don’t know. I got a note that he wanted to see me. Probably about the game this weekend.” He held up the paper in his hand, and I nodded. Mr. Shelby was also the boys’ basketball coach.

  “How’s everything going with Adam?”

  “Great, why do you ask?”

  “I was just curious. He’s been really moody lately, and I thought maybe you two were having issues.”

  “No, everything’s fine. I mean, we definitely have our fair share of disagreements but nothing serious. Adam was pretty bent out of shape a few weeks ago when you and I were chatting after one of the games. He doesn’t seem to like us hanging out,” I added, instantly feeling guilty as the words left my lips. Adam would probably feel a sense of betrayal from this conversation that I was having with his brother.

  “Really? That’s weird. You’re like the sister that I never had! And besides he knows I’m seeing someone.”

  “What? Since when? I thought that you weren’t supposed to date for another year or so?” I asked, totally shocked that I had not known about this and happy that I could redirect the conversation.

  “We’re keeping it quiet, because my parents would kill me if they knew. But I’ve been seeing Katie Brewster since basketball started.”

  I let this information seep in as I tried to picture Katie with Josh. She was cute but in a very simple athletic way. She was a senior and could be nice when she wanted to be. I thought that she was nice anyway; Mo thought otherwise. Mo had it out for Katie, some kind of rivalry over a guy. Mo couldn’t understand why anyone would be interested in Katie when she “looked like a dog,” as Mo so bluntly put it. She even went as far as placing a can of Alpo dog food in Katie’s locker once a week for several months. Of course Katie still to this day had no idea who the culprit was. I tried to stifle a laugh as I thought about how crazy Mo could be sometimes.

  “What’s so funny?” Josh asked, pulling my thoughts back to our conversation.

  “Nothing. I just can’t believe that I didn’t know. It’s nearly impossible to have a secret around here.”

  “Well...” He was about to say something but was interrupted by Mr. Shelby calling my name. “Don’t say anything,” he quickly whispered as I waved good-bye and followed Mr. Shelby into the office.

  I couldn’t help myself though. That afternoon Adam and I were sitting on the couch at my house, and I asked him why he didn’t tell me about Josh and Katie.

  “I didn’t think anything of it. It’s really just an innocent fling. It’s not like they’re sleeping together or anything.” He shrugged, feigning indifference.

  “Well, it’s kind of exciting. It’s Josh’s first girlfriend,” I said while I stroked Adam’s fingers with mine. In one quick move he had me on my back on the couch, his body pressing against mine.

  “Can we not talk about my brother right now? I have practice in an hour,” he said in a sultry voice, warming my insides.

  “What would you like to talk about?” I whispered while nibbling on his earlobe.

  “I happen to have a few things that I’d like to...discuss.” He smiled at me, his dimples melting me in place as he rocked his pelvis against mine. I giggled at what he implied as he kissed my neck seductively. We spent the hour like this, playfully kissing and touching on the couch.

  “You’re killing me, Kendi,” he teased, as he stood up and adjusted his obvious arousal. “I have to go to practice now and burn off some sexual frustration.” He leaned down to kiss me, and I pulled him back on top of me, kissing him more intensely. He felt so good against my body, warm and comfortable. I hated to see him leave.

  “I. Have. To. Go,” he tried to say with his lips pressed against mine, as I held his head firmly in my hands.

  “Please stay,” I begged. “I’ll make it worth your while,” I added, moving my hands to the clasp of his jeans, the tips of my fingers just barely grazing the skin under the waistband of his boxers.

  “I can’t be late for practice,” he groaned, clearly torn with his decision. He gently removed himself from my grip and sat on the couch next to me, pulling me up into his lap. He drew me into his arms and kissed me tenderly on the mouth, stroking my hair softly with his hand. “I wish I could stay with you, believe me,” he whispered, pulling back slightly to look into my eyes. “But I really have to go.”

  “I know, but it was worth a try,” I sulked, as he set me on my feet. I walked him to the door and paused to kiss him again, reluctant to say good-bye.

  ~

  After placing second in the state championships, Adam was offered a basketball scholarship at Gonzaga University, which was only an hour away. He was so excited to have the opportunity to play basketball in a program with such integrity and yet still be close to me. I was so proud of him but secretly was nervous about next year. I tried to push away any negative thoughts that I had about him leaving for school. He would only be an hour away, but we were heading in two different directions next year, and I had watched many other couples grow apart in similar circumstances.

  I was starting to look at colleges for the following year, and none of them were close. I had always planned on getting as far away as possible from this town, without having to pay out-of-state tuition. I wasn’t sure about my future or our future together, but I was sure that I was in love with Adam McCoy, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

  It was a weekday; a snowstorm the night before had left the school no choice but to declare a “snow day.” Adam drove his dad’s truck, armed with snow chains, to my house so that we could take full advantage of a whole day together while my mom was at work. I was alone in the house except for my brother, Scott, who was glued to the television armed with enough junk food to last the entire day. When I answered the door, Adam lured me outside and then pummeled me with one snowball after another. I screamed in surprise from his attack.

  I jumped off the porch, determined to get him back. It wasn’t long before our clothes were damp and our fingers numb from handling the snow without gloves. We ran inside, breathless, seeking an escape from the cold. We ended up in the shower, together, our wet clothes left in a pile on the bathroom floor. It was the most intimate I had ever been with someone, yet I felt so relaxed and comfortable with him. We took turns washing each other’s hair and running soap over our bodies, eventually fulfilling our need for one another when we could no longer deny it.

  Pressing my back against the cold tile, he wrapped my legs around his hips, burying himself inside me until we both found our release, Adam pulling away at the last second. When the water started to run cold, we dried ourselves off and went in search of dry clothes. An hour later, Adam and I were lying on the floor in my living room in front of a blazing fire, trying to thaw our hands and feet, still cold after our snowball fight despite the heat from the shower.

  We were on our backs looking up at the ceiling, our fingers laced together on top of my chest, talking quietly. He rolled onto his stomach, propped up on his elbows, looking intently into my eyes. I felt him tuck a strand of my still damp hair behind my ear, his finger lingering on my cheek, as he traced the outline of my jaw.

  “Kendi, I just want you to know that I love you. I truly and honestly love you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” he said softly, his deep blue eyes searching mine for a response.

  “I love you too, Adam.”

  He rolled on top of me, kissing me on the mouth, as I ran my hands through his hair.

  Nothing else seemed to exist as I lost mysel
f in him.

  I felt so happy, confident that, whatever our plans, we would always be like this, as we were in that one moment. Just us against the world.

  Reality

  I heard his voice, and it wasn’t just in my head. He was here, welcoming everyone and leading us in prayer. The robe he wore bore truth to what he was, the choices that he had made. And seeing him in the flesh, standing in front of me with our memories fresh in my mind, brought back the truth of what I had done and the choices that I had made. And in this moment I felt the deep loss of many things, not just my grandfather. I began to cry softly, tears running down my cheeks. Marie handed me a tissue, and I gently wiped my eyes, but the tears continued to flow. I could hardly follow what Adam was saying while he spoke about my grandfather’s life and death, but Adam’s voice filled my ears and my mournful heart.

  It was time for me to speak, and I tried to calm myself, so that I could get through it with a little bit of grace. I approached the altar, avoiding eye contact with him as he sat down. He was so close, I felt my knees shake. In deep concentration I fought against all thoughts of him and focused on the sheet of paper in front of me. In a shaky voice I began to read aloud the words that I had written. I could feel Adam’s eyes on me while I read the beautiful reflection of my grandfather and his life as I knew it. I held back tears as I thought about all the wonderful memories that I had of my gramps and how much I would miss him.

  I felt regret for the years that I had stayed away, wrapped up in my own life’s tragedies. The last time that I had seen him was a year ago, at my grandmother’s funeral, and, before that, I had only visited a handful of times during college, my visits getting less frequent after my move to California. I always blamed it on my busy schedule. I was, after all, an overworked and underpaid radiology resident, which left very little time for family and friends. I knew that wasn’t the entire reason that I stayed away, but those reasons were buried deep inside my heart, and I couldn’t think of them now. I knew that my grandpa was proud of me. My mother said that he spoke of me often, always sure to mention that I was a “doctor,” though I had a few years to go before I practiced within my specialty. I wonder if he would still be proud of me if he knew all the choices that I had made.

  As I finished speaking and made my way back to my seat, I looked across the room. It was large with wooden beams stretched across the length of the cathedral ceilings; carefully etched stained-glass windows cast a rainbow of colors across the space from the light of the sun shining through. I felt an ache in my heart as I remembered a hot summer day that I had spent in this very room nearly twelve years ago and the agonizing year that followed.

  Crash

  The summer after Adam’s graduation brought us closer together. I think that we both felt the approaching doom that his departure for college was going to bring to our relationship. We made every minute count. I was busy waiting tables at the restaurant where I had worked every summer since starting high school. It was easy money, and I enjoyed the customers, which varied from our regulars that came in every day to the summer travelers who were just passing through. I was saving every penny I earned for college.

  Adam was working for his parents, gearing up for the annual harvest in midsummer, which was the busiest time of year in our little town. His shifts usually started at dawn, keeping him busy until late in the evening. Between his long workdays and my late dinner shifts, it was hard to find time to spend together. Adam often stopped by the restaurant after the dinner rush and sat at the counter sipping a soda, hoping to spend a few minutes with me between customers.

  When I had the occasional weekend off, we would drive to the city for dinner and a movie, sometimes with Rick and Mo in tow. They had been dating off and on since homecoming. I couldn’t keep up with all the drama in their relationship, but the four of us always had a great time together. Mo and I went out almost every night after I closed the restaurant. She was getting excited about starting our senior year. I would probably be more excited if I wasn’t so worried about Adam and me spending the year apart.

  It was early August. Mo and I had convinced our parents to let us drive to Seattle to stay with our friend Shelly, who was starting her junior year at Seattle University. We had planned to tour Seattle U and the University of Washington—Udub—while we were there. We spent most of the three-hour drive singing along to our favorite bands. We knew we were getting close when the endless golden fields were replaced by dense green forest. Seattle looked like another world. I had been there many times before, but driving there on my own gave me a new sense of freedom.

  Shelly gave us a tour of her college campus when we arrived. Seattle U was a great school, but I knew that it didn’t offer everything that I was looking for. After the tour, we grabbed a bite to eat before driving to a party in Fremont, a hip neighborhood within Seattle.

  It was a warm, balmy night, and the heat in the small house drove the party to the backyard. An eclectic array of music was blaring from the house speakers; small twinkling lights hung from the fence, wrapping around its posts like vines; and a large crowd was gathered around a beer keg, drinking from red plastic cups. We followed Shelly over to the keg, trying to blend in as she stopped to say hello to people she knew along the way. A tall guy with thick blond hair and warm brown eyes offered to fill our cups. He held a cup up to the spout with one hand, as he pumped the keg with the other. He handed me a frothy beer with a grin on his face, and I thanked him, feeling a little shy.

  He offered a full cup to Mo and Shelly, and then turned to me with his now free hand extended. “Hey, I’m Jason.”

  “Hi. Kendi,” I replied, shaking his hand. He had a firm grip, strong arms, and, when our gazes met, I realized that he was really quite dreamy. I felt Mo nudge my arm, and I released his hand and introduced her. The three of us chatted easily while Shelly mingled about the party, obviously very popular among the crowd. We talked about how we knew Shelly and what our plans were in Seattle. He seemed surprised that we were still in high school but excited for us to tour the Udub campus. He was starting his junior year there in the fall, working toward an engineering degree. Jason refilled our cups, and Mo and I went in search of Shelly.

  “Hey, there you guys are,” she said as we walked toward her. “So I see that you met Jason. He seems kinda into you, Kendi, and, believe me, he never pays much attention to anyone.”

  “First of all, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and, second, I have Adam, so it really doesn’t matter what Jason is into,” I said playfully.

  I heard Shelly mutter under her breath, “Well, that sure wouldn’t stop Adam.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked, instantly defensive. She seemed surprised that I had heard her and shrugged, mumbling, “Nothing,” as she walked away. I felt a knot in my stomach at her comment. Shelly may live in Seattle, but she kept in touch with a number of people back home, and she visited quite often. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was missing something. I gulped down the nearly full cup of beer in my hand and headed back toward the keg for a refill. I needed something to drown out the little voice in my head that was telling me that something was wrong.

  “Hey, wait up, Kendi,” Mo yelled as she scrambled after me. “Don’t listen to Shelly. Adam would never do anything to hurt you. He loves you,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder from behind as we weaved through a group of people dancing on the patio.

  I stopped to face her. I didn’t want to ruin the night. “Yeah, I know. I’m fine. Let’s just have a good time tonight, okay?”

  Mo smiled as her eyes scanned over the crowd. “Sounds good to me. There are some really hot college guys here!”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. “You’re crazy, but I love you anyway.”

  “Yeah, well, right back at ya,” she said as she looped her arm in mine and pulled me toward the keg.

  ~

  The next morning we woke up early so Shelly could drive us back to Fremont to get Mo’s car. Shelly�
��s roommate had given us a ride home from the party after the three of us had consumed more alcohol than I cared to remember. We exchanged hugs with Shelly before driving to the University of Washington campus, our last stop before heading home.

  From the moment we stepped foot on the Udub campus, I was in awe at its sheer size and beauty. The long fields of grass, bright-colored flowers, wooded paths leading everywhere filled with people jogging or taking a leisurely stroll, and the massive brick buildings that housed the classrooms where I could potentially be sitting one day. I knew that this was where I wanted to be. It was hard to contain my excitement as we walked through campus on our guided tour. I knew that the University of Washington had one of the best medical schools in the country, and, with a little sweat and hard work, maybe I could get in.

  We ate lunch at a little Mexican café on Lake Union and then started our long drive home.

  As we drove over the mountains, watching the evergreens and crystal blue lake passing by, I was quiet and deep in thought. I was imagining my future in Seattle, wondering where my relationship with Adam would be in a year when I graduated. And then my thoughts drifted to Shelly’s comment again. I went over every moment in my head that Adam and I had spent together over the summer, trying to find something that felt off. Before I drove myself crazy, I pushed aside these thoughts and turned my attention to Morgan.

  We talked about the college tours and where we saw ourselves in a year. We had always planned on going to the same school, but we would settle for living in the same city. I couldn’t imagine not seeing Mo every day. We had been practically joined at the hip for as long as I could remember.