Kendi,
I hope that you don’t mind me invading your private space like this, but I need to get your attention, somehow, so that you will hear me out.
Let me start by saying that I am completely lost without you. I love you so much. I know that I cannot take away the hurt that I have caused you and that nothing could ever justify my actions. If I could go back in time, I would make different choices. But I can’t. I am begging you to forgive me. I have learned a lot from this. I guess that is part of life, learning from your mistakes so that you don’t make them again. I just wish that I had not made such a costly mistake with someone I care about so deeply.
Please, Kendi, can we talk about this? Is there any part of you that might be able to forgive me and let me back into your life? You are my best friend, and I miss you terribly. I know that my actions are making you question everything now, but, in my heart, there has only ever been you.
For what it’s worth, Happy Valentine’s Day!
Always,
Adam
I couldn’t stop the tears that ran down my face as I read his letter over and over again. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted things to go back to what they were before, but I knew in my heart that I could never stop questioning him. I still loved him. I had been waiting for those strong emotions to fade over time, but they were just as strong as ever. I wasn’t sure what to do now. I wasn’t ready to face him, so I crawled into my bed and hugged my knees to my chest until I fell asleep.
~
I never called Adam or responded to his desperate and over-the-top Valentine’s display. The dozens of roses he left in my room had wilted, losing their beauty and velourlike appearance. I had thrown them out with the trash. He never tried to call me again or stop by to see me. I guess that I had finally succeeded in pushing him away. My emotions were so torn. The part of me that wanted to move on was relieved by his absence, but the other part of me was afraid for him to move on. I feared that he was seeing someone else, and the thought of him with another girl was pure torture. So when Chase Roberts asked me to the Spring Fling, I halfheartedly said yes. I needed a distraction and maybe I would even have fun.
Chase had moved here from Phoenix at the beginning of the school year. He was a junior, and I had been listening to the girls talk about him for months. He was a mystery that every young female wanted to solve, the newest and latest thriller, and it didn’t hurt that he was a tall, blue-eyed, blond-haired dream. I hadn’t taken much notice before, but, now that I knew he must be somewhat interested in me to ask me to a dance, I couldn’t help but feel flattered. I definitely was noticing him now. In one day I had learned that he was in a few of my classes, was pitcher for our baseball team, and had moved here with his mother and younger sister to be closer to his grandparents.
The night of the dance I spent extra time applying my makeup and curling my hair. I had not looked my best at school for the past few months, and I wanted to be sure that Chase saw my full physical potential. I chose a pair of fitted dark jeans with a flirty bright pink top. Satisfied with my reflection in the mirror, I went downstairs to wait for Chase to arrive. He rang the bell, and I shooed my mother away to avoid any embarrassment.
I opened the door and felt a huge grin spread across my face at the sight of him. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had felt like smiling. His golden hair was messy but in a purposeful way and slightly hanging over one eye. He wore distressed light-colored jeans and a snug black T-shirt that showed off a hint of muscle underneath. His simple attire made him look sweet and dangerous all at the same time. I watched his soft blue eyes as he drank me in from head to toe.
“Wow, you look great, Kendi!”
I felt myself blush. “Thank you. Are you ready to go?” I pulled the door closed behind me as I joined him on the porch. I suddenly felt nervous. I had never been on a date with someone I didn’t already know. One of the many curses of growing up in a small town. He seemed completely relaxed though as he casually took my hand in his and led me to his car. He helped me into his faded red old-school Chevy Blazer and then walked around the front to get in the driver’s seat. I smiled at the thought of how much my gramps would approve of Chase’s car. Owning a dealership that exclusively sold American-made vehicles, my grandfather loathed foreign cars. He ridiculed Adam constantly for driving a BMW. A sudden pain stabbed my chest at the thought of Adam, so I pushed him to the back of my mind and vowed to not think of him for the remainder of the night.
Chase looked over at me and asked, “Ready?”
“Yep,” I replied as he started the Blazer with a thunderous roar, Pearl Jam blaring on the stereo.
“Sorry about that,” he cringed as he turned the volume down.
“That’s fine, I love that song.”
“You have good taste in music. That’s a relief,” he teased, lightening the mood. We drove to the dance listening to music rather than making small talk, and I felt a little less nervous by the time we pulled up to the high school gymnasium. He held my hand again as we walked into the dance. There were bright-colored paper flowers draped over everything and white twinkling lights wrapped around large potted trees that bordered the gym floor. The room had been transformed into a bright and “springy” scene, and I sighed at the unfamiliarity of it, hopeful that tonight I would not be haunted by memories. As my girlfriends began to notice our entrance, they approached us excitedly. I know that they were all dying to know how my night with the “new hot guy” was going. We stood in a tight group, talking loudly over the thumping bass of the music.
When the music slowed, Chase asked me if I wanted to dance and, as I nodded in reply, led me to the dance floor. He pulled me into his arms gently, swaying to the music. I put my arms around his neck and watched my friends dancing around me. I felt his lips near my ear as he said, “I’ve had my eye on you for a while now but wasn’t really sure if you were available or not. I asked around to get the scoop on you. I hope that you don’t mind. Anyway I’m really glad that you’re here with me.”
I slid my hands from his neck down to his arms so that I could see his face. “I’m glad that I’m here with you too. So tell me something about yourself, since I don’t have the luxury of getting any town gossip on you.”
He smiled at me and asked what I wanted to know.
“Well, did you break some poor girl’s heart back in Phoenix when you moved here?”
He laughed at my flirtatious question and replied, matching my tone. “How do you know that some girl didn’t break my heart before I left?”
“I can’t imagine any girl wanting to let you go.” I smiled at my boldness and bit my lower lip as I anticipated his response.
He brushed his thumb across my lips and smoothed them away from my teeth, smiling. Pulling me back into his arms, he picked up the pace as we finished dancing to the song.
His quiet confidence was completely hot, and my body was acutely aware of every place he touched me. The night flew by as Liz, Tracy and I danced up a storm while our dates watched from nearby. I felt myself let go, and I was having fun for the first time in months.
Chase walked me out to the car as the dance was coming to an end. It was a relatively warm night, considering that it was not officially spring yet. We leaned back against the front of the Chevy, listening to the music drifting out from the gym. Chase reached over, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I turned to look at him. I suddenly felt uncomfortable sharing such a quiet, intimate moment with him. He sensed my tension and pulled his hand away.
“Listen, Kendi. I know how much you’ve been through this past year, and I’m not here to put any pressure on you. I like you, a lot. I think that you’re gorgeous and funny...and incredibly strong.”
I cringed at what he was referring to; he really had asked around about me.
“I had so much fun with you tonight. We can leave it at that...or not. Whatever you want.”
The soulful harmony of Boys II Men was playing in the quiet of the parki
ng lot, and he pulled me close to him, swaying to the music for one more dance. When I looked up at him, he held my chin in his hand and very sweetly pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back just as softly for a moment but then quickly pulled away, burying my head against his defined chest as we danced.
The mood was lightened on our drive home as we teased one another, laughing the entire time. Chase was so easy to talk to, and my earlier nerves had been replaced with a sense of comfort and ease. Chase brought the car to a stop in front of my house, and I immediately tensed when I saw the black BMW parked in my driveway. I decided to end my night right there in the car to avoid any kind of confrontation.
“Thank you, Chase, I had such a great time tonight, really. See you on Monday at school?” I asked with one hand on the door handle.
“Let me walk you in,” he insisted.
“That’s okay. It’s late.” I waved him off.
“Can I call you this weekend?”
“Sure, that would be great. Bye, Chase.” I tried to open the door before he could sense my sudden anxiety, but he grabbed my arm, and I turned to face him. He pulled me toward his side of the car, his hand holding the back of my head as he kissed me again. This time he parted my lips and slipped his tongue into my mouth. It was easy to get caught up in his kiss; he was new and exciting and so, so hot.
When he pulled away, I was breathless and disoriented.
He whispered, “Good-bye,” and I fumbled to get the door open and climb out. I walked slowly up the sidewalk trying to clear my head of Chase’s kiss and grasp the idea that Adam was in my house. I hadn’t seen him in so long, I was nervous.
I found Adam sitting in the family room watching TV with Scott.
“Hi,” I said quietly as he looked up at me with intense blue eyes.
“Hi,” he said back. Scott cleared his throat and excused himself to go to bed. I had forgotten how attractive Adam was. I stared at him for several minutes, neither of us saying anything. My heart ached for him. I wanted to go to him and feel his arms around me. But I was afraid to let my guard down; the hurt was still so raw.
“What are you doing here, Adam?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“I need to talk to you. Scott invited me to wait for you. Spring Fling, huh?”
I could see the hurt in his eyes, knowing that I was at a dance with someone else. “Adam, there is nothing to talk about it. You shouldn’t be here.” My voice cracked as I tried to keep my emotions under control.
“Actually there is something that I need to tell you. Come sit with me.” He motioned toward the couch where he was sitting. I sat down, but as far away from him as possible. He turned his body to face me and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.
“Kendi, I know that you’ve moved on and that our relationship is over. I’ve been trying to accept that. I’m a complete mess without you, and I’m torn up inside over the pain I’ve caused you.” He ran his hands through his thick curls, taking a deep breath. “I guess that I’ve been lost, really, these past few months. I’ve missed you so much, and Josh has been hostile toward me. I don’t know how to make things right. I’ve been confiding in my pastor, not sure who to turn to after you wouldn’t take my calls or answer my letters. He involved my parents, worried about the choices that I had made. It has been humiliating to say the least.” He let out a long sigh and continued.
I wasn’t sure what he was trying to tell me.
“Kendi, I’m going to Africa soon to do some missionary work for my church. The people really need me, and I’ll be able to focus on my faith without distraction. I haven’t made very good choices lately, and I need to make amends. My parents feel very strongly about this, and I don’t really have much of a choice.”
I was hanging on his every word, trying to follow his incessant rambling. “Adam, what are you saying?” I asked, confused.
“I’m leaving for Africa in a few months.”
“For how long?”
“Two years most likely. I’m so torn about this decision. I know how important it is to my parents and my church. But I can’t imagine not seeing you or talking to you for that long.”
“We can’t talk?”
“No, I can’t have any distractions, and I won’t really be near a phone every day. But we can write. It was easier to accept this once I realized that you weren’t going to forgive me. I need to do this so that maybe I can forgive myself...for hurting you and for hurting Josh too.”
I was trying to keep up with what he was saying, but it was all coming at me too fast. I brought my fingers to my temples, trying to ease the headache that was fast approaching from Adam’s news. “Adam, this is crazy. I admit that I’ve been upset, and we haven’t even talked about what happened or how we’re feeling, but I guess I thought that I would have more time. Whether I can ever forgive you or not doesn’t matter anymore—you’re leaving. I mean, Africa, really?”
“I know that it’s a lot to process, but I wanted you to know before you heard it from someone else.”
“What about school?” I hugged my knees into my chest in an effort to keep myself from his touch.
“I’ll take two years off and then go back. I spent most of the season on the bench, so I don’t think that I’ll be missing out on some big opportunity by leaving,” he said with a smirk. His voice grew quieter as he continued. He reached out, resting his hand on my knee. “School will be here when I get back. The question is, will you? That’s my biggest fear, losing you for good.”
I pulled his hand from my leg and practically threw it off of me. “I can’t answer that, Adam. Two years is a long time, and I don’t even know where I’m going to school yet.”
He clasped his hands in front of him and looked at me intently, his eyes full of sympathy. “I know.”
I was overwhelmed by his presence and this news. As much as I wanted to move on, I guess that I always knew that he would be in my life somehow, given that we both shared this town as our home. The thought of him not being here surprised me. “I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. I buried my face in my hands.
Adam moved closer and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me. I let him comfort me. It felt too good, and I was too tired to fight him. I missed him so much. I breathed him in. His scent, the feel of his arms around me, the warmth of his breath on my neck. I still loved him. He had broken my heart, and I was still hopelessly in love with him. I let him hold me for what seemed like forever. He didn’t say anything else to me, I sensed that he was content to have me in his arms and did not want to ruin the moment.
I finally pulled away and told him that he should go. It was late, and I was exhausted.
“I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered against my ear.
“You don’t really have a choice, do you?” I said quietly, my voice devoid of emotion.
He reluctantly released me, and we both stood to leave the room. Facing me, he cupped my cheek in his hand, “Can I see you again, Kendi?” he asked hopefully.
“I don’t know, Adam. I don’t know if this changes anything.” I shrugged. I looked down at my feet as he pulled his hand away. I was afraid of giving in to him. I wasn’t ready to hand him my shattered heart. I heard him take in a deep breath through his nose and let out a loud sigh, raking his fingers through his hair. Looking up at him when his silence continued, I met his smoldering eyes.
“Did you kiss him, Kendi? Do you like him?”
His questions caught me off guard, and I realized that he must have wanted to ask me this all night. I had completely forgotten about Chase, caught up in so many mixed emotions that Adam’s presence alone had invoked. I closed my eyes briefly, breaking away from his intense stare. “Adam...don’t ask me that.”
His hands were resting on his head, and he began running them through his hair frantically, pacing side to side. The muscles in his jaw were taut. “Kendi, it makes me crazy to think of you with someone else.”
His comment brought up the anger that
I had worked so hard to move past over the last few months. “Don’t do this. You know that you’re the reason that we’re here right now even having this conversation. You ruined us. You broke my heart,” I yelled at him, the despair that I felt unmistakable in my voice. I shook my head in disbelief at his possessiveness. “Go home, Adam.”
Moving in my direction, he pleaded with me, “I’m sorry, Kendi. I don’t want to upset you. I still love you so much.” He groaned when I stepped out of his reach. “This is killing me,” he said through clenched teeth.
I walked to the door and opened it, stepping aside so that he clearly got the message that it was time for him to go. Shaking his head, he walked past me but stopped and turned around in the doorway. “I’m not giving up, Kendi. I’ll call you every day until I leave. I’ll never stop trying to make this right.”
“Good night, Adam.” I was fighting against the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I had shed too many tears for him. He turned and walked out the door. I locked the door behind him, turned out the lights and trudged up the stairs. I was exhausted. My mind was whirling from the past few hours. My great night with Chase, Adam’s news, being in his arms...that would all have to wait. I slipped into my pajamas and surprisingly fell into a deep sleep.
~
I awoke to the phone ringing endlessly. I had no idea what time it was, but it didn’t seem like anyone else was home to answer it. I picked up the receiver. “Hello.”
“Did I wake you up?” I heard a male voice, and it took me a moment to realize that it was Chase.
Sleepily I replied, “Yeah, what time is it?” I rubbed my eyes and took notice of the sun streaming in around my closed blinds.
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