Ripple: A Novel

by Cedergreen, L. D.

  “Thank you, I’ll just be a minute,” I said, taking the clothes and heading toward the bathroom. I closed the door, sinking to the floor with my back pressed against it. Burying my face in my hands, I let myself cry for a few more minutes, mourning what I had lost. I pulled myself together, taking a deep breath and peeling myself from the bathroom floor. I cringed when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked awful. Black mascara was smudged under my red-rimmed eyes; my nose was red from the cold winter air—my dry lips pale in comparison.

  Still, my looks were no match for the despair that I felt on the inside. I splashed warm water on my face, trying to remove the traces of the blubbering mess I had been just a few minutes before. I pulled my damp hair into a ponytail, securing it with the band that I always wore around my wrist. I removed my damp cold jeans and sweater, replacing them with the large worn T-shirt and plaid flannel boxer shorts that Adam had given me. The shirt was big, drowning me, but it was dry so I couldn’t complain. I lifted it up to my face, inhaling Adam’s scent. I would recognize that scent anywhere, even after all this time. I hung up my clothes on the towel bar to dry and made my way back to the living room, feeling a little self-conscious wearing his clothes. Adam was in the kitchen when I returned to the couch hugging my knees to my chest.

  “Hey, I set a blanket out for you in case you’re still cold,” he called out from the kitchen behind me. I pulled the blanket over my knees, tucking it under my thawing feet.

  “I thought that you might like some wine. Is red okay?” he asked, walking toward me with two glasses in his hands.

  “Sure, that sounds great actually.” I reached out to take a glass from him, his hand brushing mine and lingering for a moment. He sat down beside me on the couch. I took a sip while I watched him do the same. And it occurred to me that I had never seen him drink before. I smiled at the thought.

  “What?” he drawled curiously.

  “It just seems weird to have a glass of wine with you. You never drank before.”

  “Well, I’m an adult now. I’m sure there are a lot of things that you’ve never seen me do.” He smiled, his familiar dimples setting my heart on fire.

  I took another sip of wine. “This is good, by the way.” I was not an expert on wine, but I did drink it quite often and had been wine tasting a few times with Derek. The thought of Derek instantly made me feel guilty. I took in the warm dim lighting, the fire, the wine, Adam sitting next to me and realized that this scenario alone would break Derek’s heart, let alone the feelings that were stirring inside of me. I decided that I had to be completely present in this moment, to let this night be the closure that Adam and I needed. I wanted to have this intimate time with him so that we could get everything out in the open finally, but that was all that this night was about. I owed this to Adam and to myself. I could deal with the rest later.

  “Thanks, Rick and I made this. We started brewing our own beer and making our own wine a few years ago, just for fun. But now some of the local bars and restaurants actually serve it.”

  His voice snapped me back to our conversation. “Wow, I can’t believe you made this. So, wait, Rick’s here in town?”

  “Yeah, he moved back after graduating from Arizona. He’s been running his parents’ farm. He married his college girlfriend, Sara, and they had a baby boy a few months ago.”

  “Huh, I didn’t know that.”

  “Well, you haven’t actually come home in, like, how many years?” he teased.

  “Not true. I was here last year when my grandma passed away.”

  “Yeah, but one night doesn’t count.”

  I looked at him, shocked. “How did you know that?”

  “It’s a small town. Nothing is sacred here. And besides, the longer you stay away, the more ‘celebritylike’ status you have. Which makes you really famous. I promise I wasn’t stalking you. I wasn’t even in town that week.” He was smiling, almost giggling to himself.

  I frowned at him. “Well, I have a crazy schedule. I can’t help it.”

  “So tell me, Dr. Brooks, what is your crazy schedule like?”

  “Crazy, and are you making fun of me?” I eyed him suspiciously, my mouth turned up in a smile that I couldn’t hide.

  “Hold that thought,” he said laughing at my expression as he made his way back into the kitchen only to return with the bottle of wine, refilling both of our glasses. He placed another log on the fire; it crackled and sparked as he sat once more on the couch. He leaned back, propping up his feet on the rustic wood coffee table and reaching his arm across the back of the couch, nearly touching me, because he was so close. “Now where were we?”

  “You were making fun of me,” I said, taking another sip of my wine.

  “Oh, right. Actually, Kendi, I’m really quite impressed with what you’re doing. You knew what you wanted all along, and you’re actually doing it. You always were stubborn and determined.” His face grew more serious, and his fingers grazed my shoulder. “I only know what I hear, so tell me about it.”

  “Well, not much to tell. I’m in my third year of residency at UCLA in Radiology. I think that I picked the perfect specialty for me. It’s hard to believe that I have come this far. It’s been a long road.”

  “Do you like living in Los Angeles?”

  “I love it. You can’t beat the weather, warm nearly all the time, but never too hot—at least not at the beach where I live. I rent a small apartment above someone’s garage. It doesn’t sound very glamorous, but it’s literally steps from the ocean with a stunning view. I can hear the surf at night from my bed. The traffic is horrendous though, and there are a throng of people everywhere you go, so that can be annoying.”

  “Still it sounds great. Do you think that you’ll stay there?”

  “I don’t know. It depends on where I can get a job when I finish my residency. I’d love to stay on at UCLA as an attending, or even at USC, but it’s pretty competitive.”

  “I’m sure that you’ll be an asset, wherever you end up.”

  “Thank you.” I didn’t offer any information about my personal life, especially about Derek, and Adam didn’t ask. It really wasn’t any of his business anyway; at least that was what I told myself. Instead, I turned the conversation to him. “So tell me about everything that you’ve been up to since Africa.”

  “What do you want to know, specifically?”

  “I don’t know. My mom told me that you resigned from your ministry. What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Honestly I had a change of heart. Some things were happening in my life, and it came to the point where I had to make a choice. Suddenly being a minister felt like too much of a sacrifice. It didn’t feel right anymore. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I feel that it was the right one.”

  He wasn’t going to elaborate, and it didn’t feel right to ask, but I knew that there was more to that story. For whatever reason he didn’t feel comfortable telling me, and I needed to respect his privacy. “So farming?”

  “Yeah, I’ve nearly taken over my parents’ business. I think that my dad is ready to retire completely. And I’ve also started my own business in addition to that. I still love it. It keeps me busier than I would like, but I can always hire more help if I need to.”

  There was a knock at the door. Adam stood to answer it. “I ordered a pizza earlier. You know, in case you were hungry,” he called out over his shoulder. He paid the delivery boy and took the pizza to the kitchen.

  I followed him, bringing the wine bottle and our glasses with me.

  “I ordered pepperoni and mushroom. I hope you still like that.” He handed me a plate. It all felt so surreal. If someone would have told me two days before that I would be sharing a pizza with Adam, chatting it up like old friends, despite the lengthy, life-altering history between us, I would never have believed them.

  “Yep, still my favorite. I can’t believe that you remembered that,” I said as I took a bite, realizing how hungry I was
. He reached over and wiped pizza sauce from the corner of my mouth with his thumb.

  “I remember a lot of things, Kendi.” His tone was more serious. We both paused at his intimate gesture, his blue gaze locked on mine.

  I looked away suddenly. Taking my plate and nearly empty wine glass, I sat at the table behind me. Adam followed me. We chatted lightly about nothing important while we ate our pizza and finished off the bottle of wine. I helped him clean up the kitchen, and we retreated back to our places on the couch by the fire.

  I propped my feet on the table next to his, and he covered my legs with the blanket, settling back just inches from me, his extended leg brushing against mine under the blanket.

  “So are you seeing anybody?” he asked.

  And there it was, the question that I thought we were avoiding. “Actually, I am seeing someone.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “I guess so. We’ve been together for two years. He wants more, but I’m consumed with my residency. It’s as serious as it can get for now.”

  “Do you love him?”

  I paused briefly, searching my heart for what I honestly felt for Derek before answering. “Yeah, I do.” We both stared at the fire in an uncomfortable silence, until I asked him the same question. “So, what about you?”

  “I’m not seeing anyone right now. I was seeing someone. It was pretty serious, but it ended a while ago.”

  “Is she the reason that you resigned?”

  “Part of it, but it wasn’t what you’re thinking.”

  “What am I thinking?” I asked, feeling myself getting caught up in him as I stared into his eyes. He looked away, returning his gaze to the fire.

  “It wasn’t about sex. I loved her, but not the same way that she loved me. I ended it, knowing that I couldn’t marry her and give her what she wanted. I resigned because I started to resent my decision. I felt like the choices that I had made for the church were the reasons why I suddenly wasn’t happy. I felt like...I don’t know. The things that are supposed to fulfill you as a minister weren’t enough anymore. It’s a long story, but I completely changed my life, and I have no regrets. At least not about that.”

  “Why didn’t you want to marry her? I mean, you loved her, right?”

  He was quiet for a long time, and then he turned toward me, his eyes intently fixed on mine. “Honestly?” he asked, and I nodded. “As much as I tried to love her wholeheartedly, I couldn’t. You still own my heart, Kendi. Even after all this time.”

  Hearing his words, I remembered what he had said to me on the porch. That he still loved me. Part of me still loved him too, and I wondered if I always would. He leaned in slowly and gently brushed his lips across mine, holding my chin delicately in his hand. And once again I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t run away this time. I kissed him back. Our lips were slow and unsure at first but soon moved with familiarity. I held my hands against his chest, feeling his firm body beneath my fingers. My hands eventually found their way to his hair, my fingertips combing through his silky curls. He moaned at my touch. I wanted to completely lose myself in his arms, but I couldn’t quiet the voice inside me reminding me why I had come here in the first place.

  “Adam, I need to tell you something,” I tried to say against his lips.

  “It can wait,” he managed to breathe out with my mouth locked on his.

  “No, it can’t.” I pressed my hands against his chest, pushing him back.

  He rested his forehead on mine, caressing the back of my neck with his hand, his thumb grazing my collarbone. “Please, Kendi, can we just forget everything tonight? Just for one night?” He kissed me again, and I was lost.

  Truth or Dare

  I woke early in the morning. It was still dark outside. I looked over at Adam, sleeping peacefully beside me. His hair completely disheveled, his lips slightly parted; it was hard to take my eyes off him. The sheet was pulled up to his waist, leaving the smooth cut planes of his chest for me to admire. God, this man was beautiful. My heart was heavy. I knew that I had to break his heart today along with mine.

  I couldn’t keep this to myself another day; as much as it hurt to open myself up to the pain again, I owed him the truth. I brushed my hand over my swollen lips and smiled, thinking about last night. Him kissing me on the couch, picking me up and carrying me to his bedroom, touching every inch of my body, slowly undressing each other, whispering how beautiful I was and how much he still loved me. It took every ounce of restraint I could muster to tell him to stop. I knew that everything leading up to that point was wrong, but it felt so right in the moment. In the end though, I couldn’t actually have sex with him while I was with Derek, the final act feeling like the worst betrayal.

  Adam, surprisingly, understood, even though he needed a few minutes to pull himself together. He settled for holding me in his arms the entire night. I almost changed my mind, several times, but eventually we both fell asleep. Derek is the least of my worries this morning though.

  I pulled Adam’s T-shirt over my head, located my bra and panties and tiptoed into the bathroom. I freshened up, brushed my teeth with Adam’s toothbrush, and slipped into my dry jeans and sweater. I didn’t want to wake Adam, so I snooped around his kitchen until I was able to brew a pot of coffee. I realized that my purse and cell phone were still in the car, but, looking out at the foot of snow covering the ground, I decided that I didn’t need either at the moment.

  Marie knew where I was, and I hoped that she knew better than to worry about me. I had lived alone for so long, it hadn’t occurred to me to let anyone know of my whereabouts. I sat on the couch and sipped my coffee, anxiously waiting for Adam to wake up as the sun began to cast orange streaks across the horizon. Cooper was sleeping soundly in front of the smoldering fire. My nerves were getting the best of me as I sat and pondered how I was going to start the conversation that I had come here to have. It was not going to be easy, for either of us.

  While I finished my second cup of coffee, Adam emerged from the hallway. Barefoot again, wearing only his jeans from last night. My gaze swept across his chiseled torso and toned chest; he was still ridiculously perfect in every way. I brought my coffee cup to my lips, trying to hide the blush that had set in across my cheeks.

  “Good morning.” He yawned, mindlessly running a hand through his hair. “You made coffee? I could get used to this.” I let his words linger in the air, both of us knowing that the night was over and so was our cozy reunion. He poured himself a cup of coffee before approaching me with a kiss on the cheek as he sat down beside me.

  “Adam, we need to talk,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

  “I know what you’re going to say, Kendi. Save yourself the trouble. I get it.”

  “No, it’s not what you think.... Could you put a shirt on? It’s a little distracting seeing you like this.” I motioned toward his bare chest with my hand. I couldn’t think straight; the urge to reach out and touch his smooth hard chest was clouding my better judgment.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine.” He shrugged as he disappeared down the hall only to return minutes later sporting a black T-shirt. “Better?” he asked, holding his arms out as he waited for my approval.

  “Much. Thank you.”

  He sat back down next to me on the couch.

  My hand was shaking as I placed my coffee cup on the table in front of me and turned toward him, resting my back against the arm of the couch with one leg drawn up underneath me. “Adam, there is something that you need to know....” My voice cracked and tears were already making their way down my cheeks. So much for keeping it together.

  Adam looked at me with concern in his eyes as he placed his hands on either side of my face and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “What is it? You can tell me.”

  I cleared my throat and pulled his hands from my face, interlacing our fingers in my lap. “Do you remember that week, before you left for Africa? When I
thought that I was pregnant?”

  “Yeah...” His eyes were guarded, already disliking where I was going with this.

  The tears were constant now, and I released one of his hands to wipe them away. “Well, I lied to you that day. I was...pregnant.” I saw the confusion flash in his eyes. I had to remind myself to breathe as I took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully through my lips.

  “What do you mean, you were pregnant, Kendi?” he asked cautiously, freeing his other hand from my grip.

  I braced myself for the anger that I knew was brewing inside Adam as he considered the options of what I might say next, the hatred that he would feel toward me as my words shattered the undeserving pedestal that he had kept me on all these years. The questions that he had held in his heart all this time as to why I would cut him out of my life so abruptly, finally answered, only to be replaced by new, more painful ones. He stood and stepped away from me.

  “Are you saying that you lied to me about not being pregnant and then you had an abortion behind my back? How could you do that?” His hands were now running frantically through his hair, his trademark indication that he was starting to lose the hold he had on his temper. “You know how strongly I feel about that. Is that why you felt the need to lie to me?”

  The disdainful look that he directed at me was nearly crushing me, and all I could do was shake my head through my sobs at his accusations. “No, Adam, it wasn’t like that,” I managed to choke out. “I didn’t have an abortion.”

  He stopped pacing in front of the fireplace and looked at me, confused once again. He sat back down beside me. “Okay, I’m listening. Please explain this to me, because I don’t understand what the hell you’re trying to tell me.”

  “I was pregnant, and I had the baby.” I couldn’t breathe. The weight of the guilt and regret was as if a two-ton brick were sitting on my chest, squeezing the life right out of me. I held my face in my hands, unable to tell him the rest. The pain that I had buried long ago, nearly suffocating me now.