Single with Children

by Arlene James

She didn’t know whether to be relieved or hurt when he virtually ignored her after she got the kids down for the night. It took all her courage to join him in the den, but then he just sat there staring morosely at the television, pretending she wasn’t even in the room. She told herself that was a good sign. Surely, if he meant to get rid of her, he’d have taken advantage of this time to do so. Maybe, if she could just smooth things over, they could go back to being…what? Friends? Were they friends?

  She took a deep breath and chose the only safe subject available. “You made them so happy today, Adam.”

  He shifted in his chair, eyes glued to the screen. “It was actually a pretty good movie,” he said dryly. “You would have enjoyed it.”

  She didn’t miss the dig. “I know I would’ve, but the children needed that time alone with you.”

  His gaze switched to her for the first time. “You make it sound like they’d have resented your being there, and you know that’s not so.”

  “I know,” Laura conceded, avoiding his eyes, “but you’re their father, Adam, and I’m just the nanny.”

  “Just the nanny!” he muttered deprecatingly.

  “You know what I mean,” she insisted patiently. “You’re the one they need to depend on, Adam. You’re the one constant in their lives.”

  He lifted a brow and shifted again, leaning one elbow on the arm of his chair as he raked a flat gaze over her. “Maybe you’re right,” he said deliberately. “Maybe they’re too dependent on you. Maybe we’re all too dependent on you. But don’t let it worry you. We’ve no intention of letting ourselves become burdens.”

  “Oh, Adam, it’s not that!” she said, coming to her feet. “It’s just the opposite. I’m becoming too dependent on you. Don’t you see that I can’t let that happen?”

  He looked at her, his expression unguarded for the first time. “Since when is mutual dependency such a bad thing?” he asked. “We need you, Laura. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us, and if we can—”

  “No!” She shook her head, blinking back tears. “I’m not even a trained nanny. You could do so much better than me! You just don’t realize it, because you’re only now beginning to relate to one another, and you’re crediting me with that, I think.”

  He came up out of his chair, his hands seizing her upper arms. “Of course I am!” he was saying. “We’re finally getting where we ought to be as a family, thanks to you. Don’t you realize that? Can’t you see how much we—I— owe you? You’ve opened my eyes, Laura. You’ve shown me that I was repeating behavior learned from my father, behavior I hated as a kid. My mother was great with us, but somehow I didn’t learn to be a parent like her. Somehow, it just didn’t translate, until I began watching you with my children. You’re a natural mother, so easily affectionate, so calm and patient and levelheaded.”

  “Oh, Adam, I’m not at all what you think I am!”

  “Then what are you, Laura?” he demanded roughly, shaking her so that her head fell back and she was forced to look up into his face. “If you’re not the beautiful, loving, generous woman you seem to be, then just what are you?”

  “I’m a fool,” she whispered, her eyes swimming with tears. “I’m the world’s biggest fool!”

  She knew even before he bent his head that he was going to kiss her—and that she ought not to let him. She should turn her head or, better yet, turn around and walk away. She should move to his chest the hand that had somehow found its way to his shoulder and push until he understood that this could not happen. But she did none of those things. Instead, she leaned closer, her arm sliding around his neck, and laid her head far back, granting him access to her mouth. Her eyes closed as his mouth settled over hers, and she swayed into the heady sensation of being wanted, of being appreciated.

  His arms dropped around her, coaxing her to align her body to his and pressing her against him. His mouth parted hers, and his tongue slipped inside, to curl and nudge and seduce her own into an erotic duel of slow, deep thrusts that lit fires within the depths of her body and sensitized her skin. She felt everything acutely, the silky fabric of her underclothes, the slight rasp of knit outerwear, the hard soles of her shoes, the weight of her wristwatch, the cool metal of the tiny studs in her earlobes, the swing of her hair against her shoulders and back. Most of all, however, she felt the heat and the strength of him, the overwhelming masculinity that was part and parcel of Adam Fortune, father, ex-soldier, grown son, her friend, her… The word lover rang through her mind, but the fearful, careful voice inside her head replaced it with the word employer, and that was what galvanized her, gave her the strength to turn her head away from his kiss.

  He did not at first perceive that she was no longer an enthusiastic participant. When she turned her head away, he merely moved his mouth to the smooth column of her throat, kissing, licking, nipping with his teeth, sending shudders of desire through her, prickling her flesh. He loosened his embrace, his hands roaming her body, one coming to rest splayed in the small of her back, the other slipping between them to cover her breast. She gave a small cry, arching against him even as she attempted to push away, wedging her forearms into the hollows of his shoulders.

  His hands slid up her back to press between her shoulder blades, his mouth working its way down to her collarbone, his tongue flicking along its delicate ridge. She was gasping for breath, attempting to fight off the sensations that swamped her, even as she succumbed to them. It was only when he returned to her mouth that she began in earnest to repel him, knowing that if she allowed another kiss she would be truly lost. She began to squirm and push away, her head thrashing from side to side. Obviously confused, he lightened his hold, his hands sliding to her waist. But even that was too much contact, too compelling, too tempting.

  She wrenched away, at once feeling bereft, but determined, too. Adam Fortune was not a man she could love and leave, and she mustn’t forget that the time was coming when she would have to go, for to stay would endanger not only Adam but his children. Loving Adam, making love with Adam, would bind her too tightly, make it much too difficult to go. Perhaps she should go now, she thought wildly. Why stay, when staying would only make it more difficult to go when the time came? But it was already too late. The very thought of leaving here, of leaving him, brought pain so sharp and so deep that it immediately reduced her to tears.

  “Laura?” He reached out to bring her to him once more, but she skittered out of his way, shaking her head.

  “No! I…” But what could she tell him? That she wanted above all things to be held close by him, to be treasured and loved and never let go? That such desires could never be fulfilled? That the woman he thought so giving and caring would in reality bring danger to him and his children if she allowed her selfish heart to bid her stay? She did the only thing that she could at the moment—she turned and fled the greatest temptation she had ever know. She heard him calling her, heard him following, but when she reached her room, closed the door and locked it, she knew that he had not followed beyond those first few steps. She knew, with great relief and equal sadness, that there would be no tearful explanations and no warm assurances. It was for the best, she told herself, and intellectually she had no doubt that this was so, but convincing her heart was another matter entirely.

  She was doing it again. Adam shifted in his chair and rubbed a hand over his chin and jaw. Once more, the moment the children were in bed, she’d disappeared without a word. Well, tonight she wasn’t going to get away with it. The past three days had been miserable with tension. She wouldn’t look him in the eye, wouldn’t speak to him unless asked a question, wouldn’t spend a single moment alone in his company. How in heaven’s name were they to get through this? He couldn’t apologize to a phantom, and the children were already confused enough, without him trying to fashion oblique references to an episode better kept private. But how the hell did he get her alone? He’d tried knocking on her door last night, but she had ignored him, her silence as cold a rebuff as a knife i
n the ribs.

  There was a way, of course, but he’d avoided it thus far, for fear that she would misunderstand. He couldn’t see that he had any other choice, however. Reluctantly he got up from his chair and switched off the television he hadn’t been watching anyway. Slowly he closed up the house and switched off the lights, then made his way to his room, where he opened a drawer in a bureau and located a long, thin spike with a small knob on the end. He’d faced covert missions with less trepidation, but none had ever elicited such determination. Somehow he had to inject normalcy into a situation that had become ludicrously tangled—again. His mouth compressed grimly, he crossed the hall, the spike in his hand.

  Taking a deep breath, he tapped lightly on the door. “Laura? Laura, please come to the door.”

  The silence that greeted him was disappointing, even though it was exactly what he’d expected. He tamped down the feeling and squared his shoulders, one hand trying the doorknob. Locked, just as he’d expected. No matter.

  He laid his head against the door. “Laura, we need to talk. I’m coming in.” With that, he inserted the spike into the small hole common to all the interior doorknobs in the house and pressed. The lock released. He turned the knob and swung the door inward. She caught the edge with both hands and tried to force it shut again.

  “How dare you!”

  “Stop it!” he hissed, giving the door a shove hard enough to let her know that she couldn’t win a physical contest with him. She abruptly backed off, her arms folded across her middle, pulling her ugly quilted robe tight protectively. He cast a look down the hall, toward the rooms of his children, detected no disturbance and stepped inside Laura’s room, quietly closing the door behind him. She backed away another few steps, her gaze downcast, her expression sullen. He pocketed the spike and spread his hands. “I didn’t know what else to do. You won’t talk to me, and—”

  “Can’t you just leave me alone?” she snapped.

  He blanched, more hurt than he could have imagined. “Yes. I—I’ve every intention of leaving you alone. That’s one of the things I’ve come to tell you.”

  She flashed an enigmatic glance at him. “Oh.”

  He told himself that was not disappointment he heard. He wanted to hear it far too much to trust his ears to detect it. No, it was surprise or confusion…or distrust. He pushed back a sweep of shame. He had forced himself on her that night, and he had been too caught up in his own passion to even notice until she’d fought her way free. He had to make amends, or she would be gone before he could prepare himself or the children for it. He felt a trembling in the hollow of his throat and tried to swallowed it away.

  “Laura, I owe you an apology,” he began. She looked up and seemed to relax a little. He pushed on. “I—I don’t know what came over me the other night. I don’t usually…force myself on unwilling women. I can’t explain it, really, except to say…” But he didn’t dare say what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He couldn’t tell her that he wanted her so badly it was all he could do to keep his hands to himself at times, that he dreamed about slipping into her bed at night, about stripping her bare and laving all that pale, creamy skin with his tongue, about… He forced away the erotic thoughts, swallowing again and searching for some logical explanation for his behavior. “Uh, the thing is… I, uh…” It struck him that if one truth wouldn’t do, then perhaps another would. Inspired, he rushed on. “I haven’t enjoyed the, ah, companionship of a woman since Diana’s accident. Well, actually, it was before that, months before that. I, um, hadn’t been home in quite some time, and, well…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve just been so preoccupied with the kids and the search for a means to support them that I haven’t…well, I haven’t…” The look on her face stopped him. He wasn’t mistaken this time. Wishful thinking wouldn’t have put anger on that lovely face.

  “Oh, it’s quite all right,” she said smoothly, sarcasm dripping from every word. “I understand. I see now that I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing personal. Any female would have done at the moment.”

  His mouth dropped open. “No! I didn’t say that! I didn’t mean—”

  “Didn’t you?” She swept back her hair with one hand. “Tell me something—do I have the word easy stamped across my forehead? Or is it the way I walk, the way I talk?”

  Cold, hard rage sluiced through him. How could she speak of herself so? How could she even think it? “Stop it,” he said deliberately. “You know better than that. I never said—”

  “Let’s just lay it on the line, Adam! You want me to sleep with you.”

  The accusation slapped him squarely in the face. Yet he couldn’t deny it. He swept a hand over his head. “You’re a very beautiful woman, Laura. Naturally I think about… I can’t help thinking that we…” He closed his eyes. “We would be very good together, you know.” When he opened his eyes again, she had turned her back on him. He walked forward and lifted a hand to her shoulder. “Laura—”

  She jerked away, rounding on him. “Don’t touch me!”

  “I only wanted…” He wanted her to melt and throw herself into his arms. He backed up, putting distance between them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. And you’re wrong about any woman…. You’re very special, Laura. I’d venture to say that no one else could possibly take your place. That’s why I feel so badly about what happened, why I want very much to wipe it all out and begin again, for the children’s sakes, if nothing else.”

  “Oh, that’s big of you,” she retorted, wiping her eyes with short, jerky movements. “Rather liberal, don’t you think, trusting the care of your children to the very woman you’ve targeted for sex?”

  He cocked his head. “Not really. I once felt very much the same way about their mother, and targeted is definitely the wrong word.”

  She dropped her gaze. “I am not their mother.”

  He sighed. “Yes, I…seem to have forgotten that.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He licked his lips, searching desperately for the right words. “What I’m saying is that I trust you to care for them every bit as much as I trusted Diana, so much so that I’ve evidently…placed you in that role. That, combined with my obvious attraction to you, confused me. Instinctively I approached you as I would my…wife.” He gulped on that word, as shocked as she was by it, and no more pleased.

  “I’ll thank you not to make that mistake again,” she said crisply.

  He nodded his head. “Fine. Now could we please get back to normal around here?”

  She lifted her chin. “If by that you mean anything sexual…”

  He didn’t even hear the rest of it. Anger roared in his ears. How could she say that, after all he’d just said and all he felt he was giving up by keeping his hands to himself? “Stop treating me like a convicted rapist!” he snapped.

  She gasped. “I have not!”

  “Well, what the hell do you call it? You haven’t spoken to me in a civil tone for days. You won’t be in the same room alone with me if you can help it. You won’t answer the door. You sulk around like a kid who’s lost her candy.”

  “I do not!”

  “I came here to apologize, and you’re spoiling for a fight!”

  “Oh, I’m supposed to be all sweetness and light after you break into my room?”

  “I didn’t break in! I knocked on the door, and when you wouldn’t answer, I warned you I was coming in!”

  “Whether I wanted you to or not!”

  “Somebody had to do something!” he shouted, throwing up his hands. “You expect me to just accept being persona non grata in my own house?”

  “Well, if you didn’t expect me to fall into your bed—”

  “It was a kiss, for God’s sake. One simple kiss!”

  “Two!” she yelled back. “And there was nothing simple about it either time!”

  “Well, rest assured, there won’t be a number three!”

  “There darn well better not
be!”

  “Count on it! I won’t make that mistake again!”

  She drew herself up, hands on her hips, and leaned forward to rub his nose in it. “I’m beginning to think I’m the one who made the mistake when I came here. I had a perfectly good job before you came along and ruined it for me!”

  He was so mad he was incoherent. “Ruined? Good? Y-you call that nothing of a— For Pete’s sake, that moron fired you on the spot just because he though you were flirting with me!”

  “I wasn’t flirting with you!”

  “I didn’t say—” He broke off and rolled his eyes, smacking his hands to his temples. “What did I do to deserve this?” he asked the ceiling.

  “You kissed me!” Laura retorted, and it was just too much for a man who’d been tormented day and night by the memory of that folly.

  “Yes,” he said, deadly calm in his rage, “God forgive me, I kissed you! I actually even thought you might enjoy it! Obviously, I must be punished. Will this wall do?” He asked, jabbing a finger. “Do you think we’ll have enough room for the whip to snap? Maybe you’d prefer a public flogging in the town square?”

  She had the grace to look slightly abashed. “Just leave me alone,” she muttered.

  “The hell I will! We live together—”

  “We don’t—”

  “In the same house, and I’ll be damned if I’ll tiptoe around like an escaped convict in my own home!”

  “Nobody asked you to.”

  “No, but that’s just how you’ve treated me. Well, I’ve had enough! It’s over. Do you hear me?”

  “Oh, I hear you,” she said, haughtily sticking her nose in the air, “and you seem to forget again that you’re not my husband.”

  He wanted to shake her, and before he realized that the desire had translated itself into action, he was doing just that. “No, but I’m your employer,” he reminded her gruffly, “and by God, you’ll do just what I say, or so help me…”

  “What?” she snapped, flipping her long hair with a jerk of her head. “Or you’ll kiss me? And when I refuse to let it go beyond that, what then, Adam? Will you fire me, or will you make me—”