Smile, Alice

by Ellie R. Hunter

  I recognise Joel’s friends and their parents, and few nurses from the hospital. I have no clue who anyone else is. Damon is nowhere in sight.

  I take my place on the front row and I can feel every set of eyes on me. When I woke from a pitiful sleep this morning, I thought I knew what to expect from today. As each minute passes, I realise, Joel was never going to let this day pass without putting his own stamp on it.

  His favourite Four Fallen Souls song begins to play and my legs tingle as the congregation stand around me.

  I rise to my feet and try to gain control of my breathing. I face forward, afraid to look at anyone for too long.

  However, I don’t have a choice when I hear movement. I slowly turn around and the first thing I see is my brother’s coffin sitting on the shoulders of Damon, River, Baz and Freddie. His heroes.

  My entire body goes numb and my vision blurs through the tears. This is really happening, the last goodbye, this will be the last time I am this close to him.

  Damon holds eye contact with me until they pass by me.

  Clasping my hands together, I bring them to my mouth and bite down on my fingers. The harder I bite, the harder it is to scream around the painfully beautiful image of Joel with his idols.

  It’s so much more personal than I could ever had hoped for and it hurts. It hurts so much.

  I don’t fight the tears, they aren’t weakness, they’re tears of strength and love. I let them fall over the smile I’m wearing for the four men walking towards me now.

  Joel’s coffin lays on the table in between two large photos of him and a huge bouquet of black flowers.

  I didn’t notice them before.

  Freddie is the first one to hug me and then Baz, I’m so grateful to them. River pulls me into his arms and whispers, “I understand why you walked away from us, but know we will never walk away from you, or Joel. You’re stuck with us.”

  He presses his lips to my cheek softly and joins Freddie and Baz on the pew next to me. Damon stands before me unsure how to approach me. I should never have left him, I should’ve jumped at his offer to fly back with me. He takes a step towards me, but I’m the one who closes the gap between us and I wrap my arms around him.

  I don’t care that the place is full of strangers. Damon is here and sending Joel off like the rock star he always wanted to be.

  The music fades to silence and all I hear is Damon’s heart racing as I rest my head against his chest.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  “Don’t be.”

  I pull away and take hold of his hand. We sit down, and the vicar begins the service. Damon’s hand is warm to touch and feels safe, just like every other time I’ve held his hand. His cologne fills my nose and his presence fills my heart. I listen to the vicar describing Joel and I listen to his second favourite song being played.

  I thought it would be hard to believe Joel’s spirit was here when his body is in the coffin, but with the love of his followers, the hauntingly beautiful candles, and Four Fallen Souls sitting beside me, all for my brother, I can feel him.

  “His sister, Alice, would like to say a few words,” I hear the vicar say and realise I blanked out.

  I can feel the folded piece of paper in my dress pocket and I have to force myself to let go of Damon. My heels echo around the old stone church as I make my way to the podium and my eyes roam over the coffin.

  Standing tall, I take in all the people and I can’t make my mouth move. A part of me wants to keep my memories and thoughts of Joel private. Yet, the part that Joel had a big influence on, wants me to tell the world how amazing he was.

  I clear my throat and try again. Still, nothing comes out. Fuck, this is too hard.

  I unfold my elegy, stalling for time and clear my throat for a second time.

  This is for Joel.

  “I don’t need to tell you what Joel was like, some of you are his friends and you all saw him on his videos. His attitude to life and how he used every minute of every day to fulfil his wants and wishes is how he was all the time. I was so focused on him, making sure he had everything he needed, that I didn’t stop to see what he gave me in return because I didn’t want a thing from him.”

  I inhale and wipe my eyes.

  “He showed me that you don’t need a huge family to feel loved, and that it only takes one person to give you a purpose. Thanks to Joel, I know it’s possible to find happiness in the darkest of times, but most of all, he made me a believer in wishes do come true.”

  It pained me to write this but as I read from it, it feels wrong. I fold it up and shove it in my pocket.

  “Family isn’t always biological, the family Joel lost as a small boy, he gained another in four men who gave him more than I’ll ever be able to thank them for. Fathers, mothers, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, they’re all titles many hold, but the thread that ties them into a family is meaningless if you don’t have time for one another, if you are not patient, if you don’t show love, and not only show it, but make sure they feel your love.

  When Joel was six years old, his little world changed forever. He was introduced to the cruelty life had to offer, he lost everyone but me. I was ten and I was the only one who gave him time, I gave him patience and I made sure he knew he was loved every single day. I fought for so long to keep anything that would hurt him away, I hated it when he got his wish and it was my love that nearly suffocated him from enjoying the last of his days…”

  My voice shakes, and the words clog in my throat. Damon lurches forward, between me slightly shaking my head and River putting his hand on his shoulder, he sits back and nods encouragingly.

  “He nearly missed out on the best experience of his life. Three months ago, Four Fallen Souls were Joel’s idols. When he took his last breath, they were his heroes who he called family. It’s not blood that makes a family, it’s people who have time, patience and love for one another. As I look around and see you all here for him, I know he would’ve loved this reception. It doesn’t hurt as much knowing my brother had you all here for him.”

  I look around the church and everyone is watching me, listening to every word and I supress a smile. They’ve heard enough, I’m done. I don’t need to tell them anymore.

  As I walk back to Damon, I see a man whose heart is pure. I see a man who has gone far and beyond for another not thinking of himself. A man I’m falling in love with and I don’t want to fight it anymore. Today isn’t my last goodbye to Joel, I’ll never be able to say that word and Joel in the same sentence, today is about celebrating his life, my life, all life.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Damon

  She should’ve said more about what she done for Joel, not us. She sits beside me and without thinking about it, she takes hold of my hand again and smiles up at me through her wet lashes.

  “Strangers are here for him, but no mother sits here.”

  In my eyes, Alice was a mother to him. She couldn’t have done more for him than any mother who had given birth herself. Before I can tell her that, she says, “Thank you.”

  “For what?” I whisper as the vicar continues the service.

  “For everything. I’m glad you’re here for Joel, and me.”

  It’s the first time she’s admitted she needs me and while I don’t like the circumstances, it feels good that she’s letting her walls fall a little.

  “I told you, I’m here for you, always. Hopefully one day, you’ll believe me.”

  “I believe you.”

  I squeeze her hand in mine and then let go to wrap my arm around her. She leans into me and my blood rushes knowing what is coming soon. I press my lips on the top of her head and inhale her coconut shampoo. I have missed her something bad since she left, and it was only because I knew it wasn’t the end, I let her go. It’s been hell waiting for this day and now it’s here, it’s filled with bitter-sweet intentions.

  “Now, Damon Coleman has something he would like to share.”

  The vicar steps away fr
om the podium and I quickly kiss Alice before letting her go. River takes my place and holds her as she wonders what the hell is going on now. I pull out my notebook and flick to the pages securing a letter that changed my life as I stand at the podium.

  “My name is Damon Coleman, and I was lucky enough to become Joel’s friend. Before I met Joel, I’d lost my love for music. I couldn’t write new material and I had lost the connection to our old songs. Each day blurred into the next and nothing made sense to me. Then I received a letter from a young man who had a wish. His words scorched my soul and I knew I had to meet this kid from England.”

  Everything I’ve just said the band already knows and Alice doesn’t. I told her once his wish would all make sense and today is that day.

  “His sister believes the first time I met Joel was in the hospital before they joined us on our tour two months ago, but it wasn’t the first time we made contact. Through the ‘Wish for You’ charity, Joel and I spent hours on the phone and talking on video calls. You see, his wish was selfless, but it needed a plan. I’d like to share his letter with you, so you can hear for yourselves.”

  I look at Alice and she is now on the edge of her seat.

  “He wrote…Dear Mr Coleman, my name is Joel Butler. I am seventeen years old and I live in London, England, and I am your biggest fan. If I could, I would go all around the world just to go to your shows. My sister used to say I was too young, and now she says I’m too sick. I have Leukaemia and because it’s terminal, I get to make a wish. They say they’ll try to make it come true, but you’re the only one who can make this happen. I know you write your own music, and it’s your lyrics that have kept me from going insane while I’ve been stuck in hospital. I’ve watched all your interviews on YouTube and you always make people smile and laugh. So, this is my wish, I want to see my sister smile again. Not the forced smiles she puts on for me, but her smile that lets me know she’s really okay. I’ve tried myself, but all she sees is the cancer.”

  I have to stop for a moment, this kid broke my heart with his words the first time I read them and it’s happening all over again reading them aloud.

  “After our dad died, our mum didn’t want us and put us into care. We were lucky and were always kept together. Alice was the one who stayed by my side and held my hand when I scared of all the new people. She taught me how to do my tie for school after asking one of her teachers to teach her, so she could help me. She was always there at the school gates at home time, so I didn’t have to walk to whatever home we were staying at alone. She has been my sister, my mother, my father and my best friend. She’s given me everything and she never asks for anything in return. Before I got ill, she smiled all the time and she was funny, always making me laugh when I was sad. Now she’s the one who’s sad and I can’t make her laugh. Please, help me find my sister’s smile, I don’t want to die forgetting what it looks like. Your biggest fan, Joel Butler.”

  Alice shoots up onto her feet and her chest heaves struggling to breathe. River stands beside her and I carry on.

  “After everything life had to throw at him, all he needed to go peacefully was a simple smile from the one person he loved so much. I’m happy to tell you all, he got his wish a hundred times over. It was an honour to help Joel fulfil his wish, to be in his presence and to be his friend. He will always be in my heart and with me when I write.”

  I finish and go over to Alice. She looks at me like she’s seeing someone she’s never met before and then throws her arms around me.

  “Will you tell me everything later?” she asks.

  “Yes.”

  She sits with me and the service ends with Joel’s song drifting through the speakers.

  “I hope you don’t mind, River swapped the last song for this.”

  “It’s perfect,” she whispers and another tear falls.

  As the song comes to an end, the church begins to empty. It doesn’t take long before it’s left with the people who personally knew Joel.

  I hang back with the guys while she speaks to Joel’s friends and then with the vicar.

  “Are you still going to ask her?” River asks.

  “I’m going to talk to her first, then if it’s right, I’ll ask.”

  “She’s doing better than I expected, I thought it’d be too hard for her to deal,” Freddie puts in.

  I look over to her and she catches me watching her. She smiles weakly and turns back to the vicar.

  “I think it helped having everyone here for him.”

  I watch as she walks over to the casket and places her hand on top. Her lips move softly but I’m too far away to hear a word she says.

  Tears begin to fall again, but she’s smiling too. Her heart is broken, and half her life is in that casket, but she’s still the most beautiful creature in this world.

  Something catches her eye behind me and her smile turns into a sneer. Before I can turn to see what’s happening, she is walking down the aisle. A woman clutching a purse to her chest braces herself and stands from the back row.

  “I better go see what’s going on,” I murmur, already heading for Alice.

  “You do not get to be here. Leave, now,” I hear Alice snap as I walk up behind her.

  I’ve never heard this tone from her before, even when I tried my best to piss her off.

  I stand closer to Alice, but I don’t think she knows I’m here.

  “I had to come…”

  “No,” she cuts her off, “You had to raise two children. You didn’t do that and gave up your right to be mourn him.”

  Oh shit, this is their mom.

  “I wasn’t strong, your dad…”

  “Don’t say his name,” Alice screams, and I hold her back, “I begged you to go and see Joel when you had the chance and you still didn’t care. You don’t get to care now. He hated you, you know. He referred to you as, her, because he couldn’t bear to call you mum.”

  Again, I’ve not heard this new tone from Alice. She sounds cruel and twisted, purposefully hurting this woman, not that I don’t agree. The woman starts to tear up and this angers Alice further.

  “Don’t you dare cry for him now you, selfish bitch. If you knew him like a mother should know her son, you’d know he hates it when people cry.”

  “I’m so sorry, Alice.”

  “That’s real nice, it makes me feel so much better hearing you’re sorry,” she spits out sarcastically, “If life was fair, it would be you in that casket and Joel and I wouldn’t be here to say goodbye.”

  The woman sobs and starts to leave.

  “Joel was afraid I’d turn out like you after he was gone. Even though it hurts so much, I’m going to live and find happiness every day. I’ll be nothing like you, I’ll make sure of it.”

  She’s breaking this woman in front of us and unleashing years’ worth of built up hatred.

  “He was holding my hand when he passed, I have his memories to get me through, you have nothing. Every tear you shed isn’t for him, it’s your guilt for failing him. I can’t believe you have the cheek to show up here, not when you don’t know the first thing about him. I hope you never forget my words, like we never forgot how you dumped us. He died hating you, and when my time comes, even if it’s a hundred years from now, I will die hating you too.”

  The woman runs out and Alice is left shaking in anger.

  “How dare she show up,” she seethes, staring at the door.

  “She knew she wasn’t welcome, that’s why she stayed at the back. Forget about her for now, don’t let her ruin today,” I urge, taking her hand in mine.

  At every turn she surprises me, she never acts the way I expect her to. Her inner strength shines from her in waves and touches everyone around her. Her sheer determination and loyalty to her beliefs and the ones she loves are admirable. Every day I learn something new about her and I fall that much deeper for her. She’s what I need in my life and I’m determined to keep her.

  She couldn’t possibly suffer any more than she is now, yet
she insists on walking down the street, thanking people for coming out for Joel. She puts her mother out of her mind and focuses on Joel, once again.

  None of the women I’ve been with have needed me, they’ve all wanted me, but never needed me. I want Alice to feel both about me. Only, I doubt she’ll ever admit to needing me, she’d see it as a weakness.

  “We’re going back to the hotel, we need a drink,” Freddie tells me, and I look at him and the rest of my brothers.

  “Okay, I’m going to wait this out. She needs to talk to these people, it’s good for her.”

  “Cool, call us later and let us know what’s happening, good luck” River says, and I shake each of their hands.

  As they walk to the car, I walk over to Alice and listen to her speak with a young girl. She’s sick herself and I presume it’s her mother standing behind her wheelchair.

  “Joel has been my reason to smile,” she tells Alice.

  “He’d be happy to hear that.”

  “I don’t have too long myself and I know what it feels like to have your family struggling to be happy. I don’t want them to forget me, but I don’t want their lives to stop when mine does. Don’t feel guilty for living, live more for you and Joel.”

  Alice holds her hand and smiles.

  “You speak wise words, you would’ve gotten on great with my brother,” she chuckles.

  I stay by her side as she makes her way through the masses and I notice she becomes more relaxed after speaking to each person.

  The cold England winds start to whip around us, and it begins drizzling with rain. Harry pulls up and opens the back door. I wait for Alice to climb in before I follow her and relish in the warmth of the car.

  The ride is quiet and when we stop outside her house, I wait for her invitation to go inside. I don’t think I’ll be able to leave her again if she doesn’t.

  “Can you come in, or do you have to go?”

  I could laugh at her, but I don’t. For a smart woman, her insecurities dumbfound me.

  I throw open the door and help her out. She digs around for her keys and I send Harry back to the hotel.