Maybe This Christmas

by Sarah Morgan

  Brenna had disappeared, swallowed up by the crowd, and Tyler looked around in frustration, searching for her.

  They hadn’t had a moment alone since Janet’s unexpected arrival.

  Jess was back by his side, munching a slice of pizza when a girl appeared in front of her.

  “Hi, Jess.”

  Jess paused with the pizza halfway to her mouth. “Hi, Molly.” She said it cautiously, as if she wasn’t sure if what was happening was real or not.

  Her gaze skittered to Tyler and then away again.

  He felt a knot of anxiety in his stomach because this was obviously one of her classmates.

  Jess shifted awkwardly. “This is my dad.”

  “Hi, Mr. O’Neil. Are these your dogs?” Molly squatted down, giggling as Ash put both paws on her legs and tried to lick her face. Her hat ended up on the snow, closely followed by Molly.

  “Ash! Down. Sit. Sorry.” Jess was mortified. “I’m still teaching him manners. He’s a slow learner. He’s a Siberian husky, so really he wants to run the whole time. It’s in the genes. I’m teaching him to pull a sled.”

  “He’s gorgeous. I really want a turn on the sled but the line goes on forever.” Molly picked herself up, brushed the snow from her jacket and ruffled Ash’s fur.

  “I’m taking Ash over there for some training after Christmas. You could come if you like. Dana might take us out if she isn’t too busy.” Jess said it casually, as if she wasn’t bothered either way, and Tyler held his breath because he knew how bothered she was.

  “Really? That would be wicked awesome. Thanks. Do you have my number?”

  They swapped numbers, talked a bit about school and how anything that wasn’t skiing was a total waste of a life and then Molly shrugged.

  “Have you seen the ice sculpture? Want to come and take a look? You could bring your dogs.”

  Jess looked at her and then at Tyler, who nodded.

  “Go ahead.”

  She smiled at him, and he smiled back because he understood. He, of all people, knew how important friendship was. How it felt to have someone you could trust.

  He watched the two girls sprint across the snow, hair flying, the dogs bounding next to them.

  Thinking of friendship made him think of Brenna, and this time when he searched the crowd he saw her, standing a little apart from everyone else as they waited for the fireworks.

  He strolled across, resisting the urge to flatten her to the nearest tree and kiss her until she couldn’t see straight. “This party is a success.”

  “Yes.” Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and she had her hands wrapped around a cup of hot mulled cider. “Did I see Jess with a friend from school?”

  “You did. Her name is Molly, and they’ve gone to take a closer look at the ice sculpture.”

  “I’m so pleased. Hopefully, that’s a step in the right direction.” She took a sip of her drink. “How was your meeting with Janet?”

  “Good. I’m never quite sure what’s going on in her head, but I’ve never known her to be so reasonable. Whatever you said to her must have made an impression.”

  “Maybe it was time for both of us to move on.”

  Something about the way she said that caught his attention.

  He couldn’t stop looking at her—at the sooty sweep of her eyelashes and those tiny freckles that dusted the bridge of her nose like the footprints of a butterfly. Her hair, dark and shiny like polished oak, peeped out from beneath her favorite blue hat. “I haven’t had a chance to thank you for taking Jess skiing and for decorating the house. That was generous of you. I was expecting her to be stressed out, but the two of you were having fun.”

  “I enjoyed myself. I’ve never decorated for Christmas before.”

  The need to be alone with her overwhelmed his sense of duty to his family. “Let’s go back to the house.”

  It was a moment before she answered, and when she did, her voice was so soft he could barely hear her. “I can’t.”

  “Everyone is watching the fireworks, and Jess is with her friend. No one will miss us.”

  “That isn’t why.” She took a deep breath and turned to look at him, her gaze disturbingly direct. “I need to ask you something.”

  “Ask.”

  “Do you love me?”

  Caught off guard, he almost bolted. “What sort of a question is that?”

  “A straightforward one. I’m hoping you’ll give me a straightforward answer.”

  Panic rippled through him. “I’ve known you my whole life. I have strong feelings for you. You’re my best friend.”

  “I know we’re friends. That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking if you love me. I want to know if you can say those words to me.”

  He looked over her shoulder, assessing the chances that one of his brothers might come and save him. It didn’t look good. “I’ve never said those words. Not to anyone.”

  “I know, and I respect that you don’t throw them around lightly, but that makes my question all the more important. And what I want to know—need to know—” she said it clearly so that there could be no mistake “—can you say them to me? Can you do that?”

  He stared at her, feeling as if all the oxygen had been sucked from the air. “Brenna—”

  “I need to know how you feel about me, and I need you to be honest. Whatever your answer is, I’ll live with it. You’re the one who encouraged me to speak up and say what I wanted. I’m doing it now.” Her gaze didn’t shift from his. “I want the truth. I deserve the truth.”

  All around them were sounds of the party. Children laughing, adult conversation and then finally the explosion of fireworks complete with “oohs” and “ahhs” from the crowd. It was a time of celebration, the perfect moment for romance, for declarations of love, for promises.

  Tyler looked down at her, into the face he’d looked at for most of his life. They’d grown up together, laughed together, fought, argued, made up and fought again.

  And they’d made love in the moonlight, the snowy forest their only witness.

  And still she looked at him, her gaze steady on his until his silence seemed louder than the shrieks of the crowd and the fireworks that exploded around them.

  He saw a shimmer of something in her eyes in the second before she turned away.

  “Thank you for not lying.”

  “No—wait—I care about you.” It was desperately important that he convince her. “You’re my best friend. My closest friend. I don’t want to lose that.”

  “I don’t want to lose that, either, but I can’t be in a relationship that isn’t even and balanced. I won’t do that because I’d always be wanting more, and that isn’t fair to either of us. I love you. I know it makes you uncomfortable to hear me say it, but not saying it is driving me crazy, and I can’t live like that.” She paused as more fireworks exploded in the sky above them. “I deserve more. I deserve a man who loves me the way I love him. And maybe I’m being stupid, and I won’t ever meet that person, but better that than living in this emotional limbo wanting you to feel something you’ll never feel.”

  Every person around the fire pit was staring up at the sky. Not him. He was looking at Brenna.

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that if this relationship isn’t going anywhere, if you really don’t want commitment, then it’s time I moved on. It will be hard, but in the end it’ll be the best thing for both of us.”

  “Move on? You mean leave?”

  “Yes, I mean leave. You can’t, because this is your home and your family needs you, so I’ll need to find something else.”

  Once, when Tyler was fifteen, he’d been caught in an avalanche. He’d felt the slope give way beneath his feet and then he’d been tumbling, spinning, not knowing which way was up or
whether he was ever going to see daylight again. He felt the same way now. “You can’t do that. You can’t leave.”

  “We’ll give Jess the perfect Christmas and get through this and then I’m moving away. That will make it easier on both of us. I need to build a new life, Tyler, and I can’t do that if I’m going to see you every day.”

  He tried to imagine a future that didn’t have Brenna in it.

  “No.” He played the strongest card he had. “You love it here. Snow Crystal is your home as much as it is mine, and my family is your family.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t try and stop me or talk me out of it. It isn’t fair. I know this is hard on both of us—” her voice sounded choked “—but I need you to see it from my point of view. In all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve never asked anything of you, but I’m asking now.”

  “What are you asking?”

  “I’m asking you to try and understand how I feel. I’m asking you to let me go.” Her words were punctuated by a dramatic explosion of fireworks. “I need you to do that.”

  Without waiting for him to answer, she walked away from him, picking a route that led away from the crowd. She slipped into the snowy forest with so little fuss it was unlikely anyone but him noticed her departure.

  He watched until her blue hat was swallowed up by darkness, until he could no longer see her.

  He felt numb with shock. Paralyzed by the brutal reality of her words.

  I’m asking you to let me go.

  “You look like someone stole the last beer from your fridge.” Jackson was standing beside him, a couple of beers in his hand, his gaze fixed on the trail Brenna had taken back to Lake House. “You two had a fight?”

  “No.” A fight would have been easier. A fight could be fixed with an apology and make-up sex. This was far more serious.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Tyler, who considered talking about his feelings to be one step up from wearing pink, shook his head. “Nothing to talk about.”

  Jackson gave him a beer and lifted his hand to a family who was waving to him from the other side of the fire pit. “She’s in love with you, Ty.”

  Tyler ground his teeth. “I remember a time when the conversation around here involved other things apart from love.”

  “Yeah, we used to talk about debt and whether we’d lose the business. Those were fun times. I miss them.”

  Tyler rubbed his fingers over his forehead. “This isn’t about what I want, it’s about what Jess wants.”

  “Stop making excuses. You know Jess loves Brenna. There’s no doubt about what Jess wants, and I’d say Brenna is pretty clear on what she wants, too. From where I’m standing, it seems as though you’re the one who needs to make a decision.” Jackson paused as more fireworks erupted above their heads. “Is it really so hard?”

  “Yes, it’s hard,” Tyler snapped. “I’m scared of hurting Brenna.”

  “Why would you hurt her?”

  “I’m not like you. You’re the stable, strong, dependable one. I’m—” he ran his hand over his jaw “—I’m not. I’ve never had a long relationship.”

  “Not true. For a start, there is Jess.”

  “I don’t mean that sort of relationship.”

  “The principles are the same. You’ve been there for Jess every step of the way.”

  “She’s my daughter. I love her.”

  “You’ve been here for all of us, even if you complain all the time. So what’s the problem?”

  Tyler didn’t smile. “I’m scared! There, I admit it. The whole idea of saying ‘I love you’ to a woman scares the crap out of me. I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month.”

  “You’ve been in a relationship with Brenna for most of your life, Ty. Think about that.”

  “That doesn’t count. It’s different. She’s a friend.”

  “That’s why it’s different. It’s not enough to want to bone a woman into next week. Eventually, you have to get dressed and have a conversation. Spend time together. And when that happens, it helps if the woman is someone you like.” Jackson put his hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “But if you really don’t have those feelings, if you really don’t love her and can’t say those words, then you have to let her go. I can help her find a job in Europe. I’m not saying it won’t be tough on her, but in the end she’ll be fine. Brenna’s the whole package. Sweet, sexy, loyal, loving—if she moves away and builds a new life, she’ll find someone else eventually.”

  The thought of it made him want to double up.

  Something that felt like panic rose inside him. “Do you want a black eye for Christmas?”

  “No. I want you to see sense.” Jackson gave him an exasperated look. “You’ve skied down slopes that the rest of us wouldn’t touch, at speeds that most of us can’t hit without the help of an engine and this is what scares you?”

  “Skiing is different. I trust myself on the mountain.”

  “Right. So maybe it’s time you trusted yourself when you’re not on the mountain. Everyone is scared of something. Being scared doesn’t matter. All that matters is whether you choose to let it influence your decisions.” Jackson finished his beer. “Go home, Ty. Write your letter to Santa and ask him for the courage not to be your own worst enemy. And you’d better hope he delivers, or Brenna will be out of your life, and you’ll be hell to live with.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  BRENNA ROSE BEFORE DAWN and did what she always did when she was upset. She went skiing.

  She told herself there were other mountains, other men, but still she felt as if her heart were being crushed by a rock, and the misery clung to her like morning mist, refusing to lift. The sadness was smothering, but she knew she was doing the right thing.

  Finally, she was moving forward.

  She wasn’t drifting or dreaming.

  After her bumps-and-trees class, she drove to her parents’ house, knowing there was one more conversation she needed to have before she could move on with her life.

  Her father was out, and her mother took one look at her face and gave a sigh. “I don’t even need to ask.”

  “Can I come in? There are things I need to say.” She pulled off her boots, tired of formality, tired of holding back. She’d spoken her mind with Janet and Tyler, and now she intended to do the same with her mother.

  Emotional cleansing, she thought. Exhausting but necessary.

  They walked into the kitchen and sat at the table with the winter sun sending shafts of light through the window.

  She found it harder to speak when she was sitting down, so she stood. “I’m leaving Snow Crystal. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but I’ll be looking for a new job as soon as Christmas is over.”

  Her mother stood in the doorway, not moving. “I don’t even need to ask why. I can see it in your face.”

  “Good. Because I’m tired of saying one thing and meaning another. I’m tired of hiding, pretending I don’t have feelings when those feelings are so strong, there are days when I could burst with them. I love Tyler.”

  Her mother closed her eyes. “Oh, Brenna—”

  “That’s right, I love him, and he doesn’t love me back.” She managed to say it without her voice cracking. “And I have to stop wishing and wanting and start living my life, even though I can’t imagine how I’m going to do that when he’s the most important part of that life.”

  “I knew this would happen. I warned you.”

  “Yes, and I didn’t listen. And that was my choice. I’m an adult, not a child.”

  “I didn’t want you to make that mistake.”

  Brenna thought of the few days and nights when her life had been so perfect, it hadn’t seemed real. “It doesn’t feel like a mistake, but if it was then it was mi
ne to make. And right now instead of blame and a whole bunch of I told you so’s I could do with a hug because I’ve lost my best friend and—oh, forget it—I don’t expect you to understand. I didn’t come here for sympathy.” She covered her face with her hands, and the next moment she was pulled into her mother’s arms and hugged as she hadn’t been hugged since the last time Tyler had broken her heart.

  “I do understand.” Her mother stroked her hair. “I know what you’re feeling, and you have no idea how much I wanted to spare you that, but it was like watching a train crash and not being able to do a thing about it. And if you think I blame you then you’re wrong. How could I blame you? You’re not the first member of this family to fall in love with an O’Neil and get burned.”

  Brenna pulled away. Her head throbbed, and her brain ached with thinking. “What are you talking about?”

  “I grew up here, as you did.” Her mother sank onto the stool, staring into the distance. “I met Michael when I was four years old.”

  “Michael?”

  “Michael O’Neil.”

  “Tyler’s dad?” Of all the things she’d expected her mother to say, it hadn’t been that. “Oh, my God—”

  “No! We never—” her mother shook her head “—it wasn’t like that, but I wanted it to be. Oh, you have no idea how badly I wanted it to be. There wasn’t a day I didn’t dream of something happening between us, but to him it was only ever a friendship.”

  Brenna stared at her mother. Scanned the pretty dress and the neat heels. “I— You were in love with Michael?”

  “We were friends. And we stayed friends until the day Elizabeth arrived to cook at Snow Crystal. Michael took one look at her, and he was gone. I saw it happen.”

  “Mom—”

  “You can’t help who you love, and I never had any doubt that Michael loved Elizabeth deeply, but that didn’t stop the hurt or heal the pain caused by the fact that he didn’t love me.”

  “I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me? It explains so much—explains why you’ve always hated the O’Neils.”