Opposites Attack: A Novel with Recipes Provencal

by Jo Maeder

  Jean-Luc put out a beautiful spread of local cheeses and the fruit she’d brought, complimenting her choices. He also filled the empty wine glasses with a Muscat. No way was Alyce touching that.

  Carmelita’s vanished faster than the coin in the handkerchief.

  Glorianna and Luther were shitfaced. Some of her hair had fought its way out of its tight little bun. When they laughed at the same time it reminded her of sounds from a haunted house. “Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hah-hah-hah-hah!”

  Nelson was a drinker who knew his limits—another attractive quality about him. But he looked troubled, distracted. Maybe he hadn’t had enough to drink. He took a rather big gulp of the Muscat.

  Alyce could tell by the way Carmelita studied the bottle of dessert wine that her eyesight was going. She put it down and struggled to remove her jacket until Jean-Luc, the closest male to her, assisted. Her low-cut top captured every heaving of her massive bosom.

  Moments later, “Oops!” Carmelita had spilled a good portion of her drink down her front. Alyce glanced at Nelson, expecting to exchange a humorous boy-is-she-drunk look. Instead he was transfixed as she dipped a white cloth napkin in a glass of water and dabbed at her chest.

  Just as Alyce was about to give him a good hard pinch under the table, Isabella leaned in and asked Carmelita, “Are your sensational breasts real?”

  “I really think that’s none of your business,” Nelson said nervously as he popped a grumichama in his mouth. His mother agreed.

  Isabella didn’t care. “So many American women have them. It is the status symbol, no?”

  “They was all saggy after Junior was born so Nelson gave ’em to me as a birthday present.”

  A numbness started around Alyce’s ears and rapidly spread.

  “I thought you had no idea.”

  Nelson spit out a seed. “It was a tactless question. She’s entitled to her privacy.”

  Glorianna raised her glass. “A toast to my expanded family!”

  Alyce fired off, “You’re not answering my question.”

  “You was talkin’ about my boobies to her?”

  “Why don’t you just fix her damn gold tooth, too?”

  “That’s enough, Ally!”

  Claws popped as she and Carmelita, sitting directly across from each other, stood up at the same time.

  “He don’t fix my tooth because he likes it. And he likes my boobies and my big fat ass. And the way I talk. Right, Boo?”

  Nelson stood up and tried to pull Alyce from the table.

  “Let’s go.”

  “Let’s not.”

  “He don’t marry me ’cause his world don’t approve.” She glared at Glorianna. “Specially her. She was gonna cut him out of her will if he didn’t marry soon. But it ain’t gonna stop him from lovin’ me and it ain’t gonna stop me from lovin’ him! Don’t look at me like that. You gotta know the score by now.”

  “It was an idle threat!” Glorianna yelled, as she jumped up and leaned toward You-know-who. “I would never do such a thing! He loves Alyce. Very much so. Accept it!”

  With a sudden hard yank, Alyce shook off Nelson’s hand from her arm. “The score?”

  Luther let out an “Oh, shit.”

  Glorianna’s hair completely fell out of its bun when she screamed “Dammit to hell, Nelson! Why do you have to be like your father! You told me not to say anything because you were going to handle it! I should have known you couldn’t do it.”

  Nelson exploded right back. “You’ve made my life as miserable as you’ve made his! I want to be far away from you and be a success on my own so I don’t have to be manipulated by you for the rest of my goddam life!”

  Alyce was stunned to hear him say that but it didn’t stop her from grabbing his shirtsleeve and saying, “What about manipulating me? What the hell is the score, Nelson? Say it! Say you’re still fucking her!”

  Glorianna sounded like she was choking.

  Luther muttered, “Oh, shit shit.”

  Nelson brushed his hair off his forehead twice. “Not in a long time.”

  “What’s a long time?”

  Carmelita answered. “Depends on what you call it. All the way? Right after you got engaged.”

  He gave Alyce a pleading look. “I swore it would be the last time. And I’ve been true to you ever since.”

  Carmelita smirked. “Kind of.”

  Alyce covered her hot face with her hands. She had never been so humiliated in her life. She looked at Jean-Luc and Isabella. Their eyes were wide with expectation.

  Nelson tried to take Alyce’s hand. She wouldn’t let him touch her.

  “My therapist said I should have done this a long time ago. I didn’t want to lose you, Ally. I love you. But I love Carmelita, too. I thought we could work this out.”

  Through tears, she said, “Let me guess. You haven’t been playing squash with your friend Ken twice a week, have you?”

  Glorianna screeched, “We’ll give you whatever you want! Just marry my son and give me grandchildren!” She zinged Carmelita with eyes so intense Alyce was surprised she didn’t melt. “That child is not going to be the sole heir.” She shifted her evil gaze to Alyce. “Ronald has had a mistress for years. It’s called a marriage of convenience. You’re not going to do better than the Mansfield name!”

  Alyce nearly laughed when she said, “I couldn’t do worse!”

  Jean-Luc jumped to his feet. “Bravo, Al-ees!”

  All at once an intense pain from the vicinity of her right ovary shot around her back, up to her right shoulder blade, doubling her over.

  “Al-ees?” Jean-Luc asked. “What is wrong?”

  Carmelita drummed her long nails on the table. “I knew you was dreamin’, Boo.”

  The pain faded. Through tears, Alyce yelled, “Boo this, bitch!”

  Alyce grabbed her wine glass and threw it at Carmelita’s head. Her curls were so thick it bounced off. She threw her glass at Alyce, who managed to dodge it. The mayhem worsened as Alyce took a swing at Nelson, Isabella tried to intervene, and Carmelita socked her in the eye, sparking a catfight between them. Jean-Luc grabbed Alyce from behind and pulled her away as she tried to kick Glorianna. Luther was holding her back from scratching Alyce’s eyes out.

  Another jolt, even worse than the first one, caused Alyce to let out a bloodcurdling scream that stopped everyone.

  “Something’s wrong with the baby! Something’s wrong!”

  Glorianna, Carmelita, and Luther all shouted: “BABY?”

  Alyce yanked off her ring and threw it at Carmelita. “You can have him and this! It’s fake.” She eyed her chest. “I’m sure you won’t have a problem with that.”

  Alyce lifted the bottom of her blouse a couple of inches, removed the diamond stud from her bellybutton, and threw that at Nelson.

  “Give that to your next victim. OW!” She grabbed Jean-Luc’s shoulder. Through gritted teeth, “Take me to a hospital.”

  Nelson ran to her. “I’ll do that. I’m the father.”

  “I don’t want you anywhere near me! If this baby lives, it’s mine. All mine!”

  “No!” cried Glorianna.

  At that moment Nelly barged into the room, full of excitement over the magic trick he had mastered. “I got it! Watch!” He immediately sensed something was wrong.

  Alyce delivered her final words to Nelson with just the right touch of condescension the French do so well.

  “Faute de grives, on mange des merles. For want of thrushes, one eats blackbirds.”

  34

  Loose Ends

  “It could be a burst appendix,” the doctor examining her said, “but I suspect an ectopic pregnancy.”

  An ultrasound revealed he was right.

  She sat on the examining table, still in mind-numbing pain, clutching Jean-Luc’s hand, Glorianna and Nelson banished to the waiting room.

  The doctor, an older man who exuded the aura that he had seen and heard everything, coolly explained, “There is nothing we can do to save it.
We can wait until the morning to see if nature takes its course. If not, we will have to operate.”

  It? Alyce thought. My child is not an “it.”

  What he said next wasn’t good, either.

  “Your fallopian tube on that side will still be intact, but there will be scar tissue. Any time a woman has an ectopic, the chance of having another typically doubles. You may never have this problem again and you may have it over and over. There is simply no way to tell.”

  The doctor excused himself. She burst into tears. Jean-Luc rubbed her back and squeezed her hand. “Al-ees, you will live a full life whether you have your own children or not.”

  “I’m going to lose my baby.”

  “It’s not your fault. Life never goes the way we planned.”

  “Don’t you dare say this is for the best.”

  “Please. Your indestructible optimism has not rubbed off on me that much.”

  That at least made her smile.

  Yet, as the anesthesiologist instructed her the next morning to start counting backward from 100, she was convinced this was a blessing.

  Quatre-vingt-dix-neuf. Quatre-vingt-dix-huit. Quatre-vingt-dix-sept.

  When the surgery was over and she was fully coherent, Jean-Luc was still there for her.

  “I know this doesn’t compare in any way with your loss,” she said as she tried to get comfortable to no avail, “but I have a better idea of what you’ve been through.”

  “Do not minimize it, Al-ees. You have lost a child you wanted very much, even if you did not want the father. You had a connection only a mother can have.”

  “Where is he?”

  “Outside if you want to see him.”

  “His mother, too?”

  “Yes. Are you sure you are up to it?”

  She nodded. “If you see a nurse, ask if I can have some more pain medication.” Her stomach felt like a mule had kicked her.

  He stepped out as they stepped in.

  Glorianna rushed to her. “Dear Alyce. I’m so sorry.”

  Nelson tried to act like everything was fine. He bent over to kiss her on the lips. She turned her head.

  “Ally, can’t we get beyond this?”

  Scrutinizing him and his mother, she said, “Why would you want to? I’m defective merchandize. I may never be able to give you the heirs you want so much. And I never want to hear the names Junior, Nelly, Carmelita, Lee-lee, or Boo again as long as I live.”

  Nelson solemnly asked, “Sure you don’t want to think about it?”

  “No! I can’t believe you’d even want to patch things up. You should just marry her already. You love her! And I can’t imagine any woman putting up with—”

  Glorianna cut her off. “As long as you have your eggs and a uterus, you can still have a child. In-vitro isn’t cheap, but that wouldn’t be a problem.”

  Alyce stared at her. “Did you not hear the part where Nelson admitted he still sleeps with You-know-who?”

  She stiffened. “And did you not hear the part where I said my husband has had a mistress—”

  “Stop!” She clutched at her aching tummy. “Get out of my life forever. You’re both fucking nuts.” Pointing at Nelson, “You sleep with that trashy Carmelita and I can’t tell a story about peeing my pants when a boar is about to attack me? I feel sorry for you, Nelson. Trying to be two different people must be exhausting. Just pick one and stick to it. The property you bought is your problem. I’m moving on with my life.”

  “What are you going to do?” asked an incredulous Nelson, as though nothing could be better than being with him.

  At that moment a nurse came in and shooed them away to give her a painkiller. Her last image of Nelson was him blowing her a kiss.

  “Kiss my ass!” was her response.

  Soon a warm feeling coated her insides and she was blissfully floating back to unconsciousness. She saw the face of Sister Therese before her.

  “Everything will be fine,” she said. “Your guardian angel is with you.”

  Alyce was discharged the next day. Jean-Luc was waiting for her. She thought back to the day she first saw him at Andre’s store and couldn’t stand him. The feeling had been mutual. Now she was thrilled to see him. What a funny, unpredictable friendship they had formed. She was already missing it.

  “I’ve been very busy since your operation,” he said as they cheek-kissed. “You look much better than you did yesterday.”

  “I feel much better,” she said, as he snapped the seatbelt in the Kangoo for her. “But I hope I never go back to being that gullible, shallow girl again.”

  Once behind the wheel, he said, “What you cannot do is go back to America. I will find another place with a cottage.”

  “Not so fast.”

  He angrily revved the gas and poked the air in front of her. “I may have made you mad at times, but I never once saw you laugh with Nelson the way you do with me. Not once!”

  “And don’t make me laugh now. It hurts.”

  Once they were on the way, he moved to the subject she desperately needed to talk about.

  Jean-Luc theorized that Nelson fell in love with Carmelita the moment she flashed her gold tooth. She was the perfect match for him. Very much like his social climbing, demanding mother, right down to the same cadence in their names. She was also the complete opposite.

  “The ultimate forbidden fruit,” he said. “I’m sure you suspected what was going on. You wanted to believe him. That is love, Al-ees. You may still love him, though you feel a fool. I do not think it was a charade on his part. He was being honest when he said he loved you both, according to his definition of it.” He waved his hand. “La, that is life.”

  She made a pitiful face. “Yeah, la la la.”

  “We always hold a certain respect for those who betray us. There is selfishness at the heart of their actions. How can you not think highly of someone who will stop at nothing to get what they want? I despised Margot for what she did, and I admired her for having the nerve to do it, especially as I fell in love with Colette. You would never have had the experience here had it not been for Nelson. You are a completely different person because of him. A much better person.”

  That lifted her spirits. As they pulled up to his former home, she was glad to have one last visit. She commented, “I’m surprised they’re letting you stay here.”

  “A contract is a contract.”

  “Then what?”

  “I’m looking at places tomorrow with Pauline. Either I will find something I like or I’ll move into a hotel.”

  “With Isabella?”

  “Come to the kitchen and I will bring you up to date on what has happened.”

  He poured her a glass of her favorite apricot-rosemary iced tea. She glanced around the big yellow kitchen she would always remember.

  “Isabella is gone. I did not make love to her once after her return. For a moment she considered making a play for Nelson, but she could never put up with all that came with him. She is on her way back to Spain.”

  He raised his glass in a toast. “To Isabella. May she find the right man for her, and soon.”

  Alyce was slow to raise her tea in return. It hurt her stomach.

  “As for Nelson, I almost ripped his head off for what he did to you—and his wicked mother.” He picked up an envelope that was on the kitchen counter. “Here is a check for $10,000 to help you through this transition. I am sorry I could not get more.”

  She stared at the envelope. “You did that for me?”

  “I am not finished.” His face glowed. “Just like the happy ending of a Hollywood movie, Nelson finally stood up for the mother of his son. He is going to send her to school in another city to speak French and become sophisticated, and then marry her! Of course, she is not you and she will never find a teacher like me. Good luck.”

  It took a moment to absorb this news. She still felt a pang of defeat. Carmelita had won. Something else hit her as well.

  “Jean-Luc, I get it now. Carmelita
is my sister Chantilly! You were right about my being drawn to competitive triangles. If I remove myself from that, I’m actually happy! They belong together. Totally. Nelson finally did the right thing. I’m…I can’t believe I’m saying this…proud of him.”

  Jean-Luc was beaming, an expression she rarely saw on him. They burst into laughter. How crazy was life?

  “Ow! I have to stop! It really does hurt.”

  What made her calm down was looking into her own future and seeing nothing. Not even a job.

  “Do you feel well enough to make it to school tomorrow?”

  “Claire promised a champagne toast at the end. I have to show up.” She focused on him. “I’d like to stay in a hotel tonight. Can you recommend some place besides the Hôtel Marlaison?”

  “Why not the cottage?”

  “I want to be where there are no memories of Nelson. And don’t suggest your bedroom.”

  He looked miffed. “Al-ees, you just ended an engagement, lost a baby, and had surgery.” He took another sip of his tea. “I know the perfect hotel. The Bonne Santé.”

  “Good health. Sounds like the right place for me right now.” She stood up, “But first I want to check on my loirs. What do you have in the refrigerator to feed them?”

  Alone, she carried chopped apples, milk, and water in the same picnic basket they used at the beach. As she approached the old rabbit hutch, her heart pounded. Would they be okay?

  The nest was empty. She looked around, called like always by mimicking the sound they made. Had something killed them? Had they moved away? Were they off looking for food?

  She placed the apples inside, filled the plastic tub with milk, the other with fresh water.

  The birds chirped madly.

  Something told her the dormice were in heaven along with the tiny life that had been growing inside her. As she was about to cry, she felt something on her foot. A gray face with big black eyes stared back at her.

  “You’re okay!”

  She gently lowered herself to the ground and the critter, bigger now, climbed up her chest to be coddled. Another appeared. No more.

  She still didn’t name her furry loves. More than ever she didn’t want to become attached.