by Lily Morton
“Stanley Tucci?” Seth asks tongue in cheek and dodges another flying piece of chicken from Sid.
“No, silly,” Lucy says seriously. “The actor – oh what was his name?”
“Josh Hartnett,” I offer because I’ve noticed this before. He’s does look a bit like him, only scruffier and with longer hair. Lucy nods eagerly.
“I love that film.”
“Me too,” I say and the other girls agree.
“That towel …,” sighs Mabe and we look at each other and start laughing.
“That deserved an Oscar all on its own,” I gasp.
“Mmm,” mutters Viv pretending to lick Sid’s cheek which is slightly red. He pushes her off and promptly sticks his middle finger up at her.
“Never mind Pretty Boy Two,” Mick exclaims. “What about Pretty Boy One? Come on Marky give us the money shot. Let’s see you suck in your cheeks.” He laughs when Bram does his best Blue Steel expression. “No, no, no. Not those cheeks, let’s see you do it with your down below ones.” Laughter explodes as does most of the carton of sweet and sour chicken over Mick’s head.
Finally, Charlie calls us to order by rising to his feet and holding his bottle of beer up. “I just want to say thank you to everyone sitting here tonight,” he says seriously. “You’ve all worked incredibly hard and we couldn’t have chosen a better or more professional group of people to come with us on this tour. It’s going to be a hard few months but I think you’ve all got enough compassion and patience to be living in close confines with Bram and not murder him.” At this everyone laughs and Bram gets up and makes a very theatrical bow. “But seriously now,” he continues. “Beggars Choice has always been a family, it’s just that nowadays that family is a lot bigger and we couldn’t be happier with that. Always remember that we chose you to come with us and that makes you part of it.” He exchanges a warm glance with Mabe who is still standing near me, and the heat and love in it make me wistful. No one has ever looked at me like that. My attention shifts when Charlie raises his bottle again. “So let’s have a great tour, and always remember that what happens on tour?”
“Ends up in the papers,” we all echo, and laugh and chug our beers.
***
Less than twelve hours later we are standing in the wings waiting to go on stage. I’m wearing a pair of little black shorts with a sparkly, loose, grey, sleeveless shirt which falls off one shoulder continuously showing off my lilac, lace bra. My legs are bare, with just some instant tan on them, and as I rejected Vanessa’s offer of some killer heels which would have landed me on my face within five minutes, my outfit has been completed with my trusty biker boots. My hair has been cut into a sharper, long, wavy bob and it’s now a dark red with toffee coloured highlights courtesy of a visit to the hairdressers this morning. I feel good and I felt even better when I met Sid on the stairs. He didn’t say anything but the long scorching glance that he gave me more than made up for the lack of words.
For the English leg of the tour the boys decided to go out and find local bands that they liked and offer them the chance to open for them, and the current one is just finishing. They’ve played a high energy set and the boys are obviously impressed with them. Their music is incredibly catchy and slightly 80’s sounding with a strong electronic beat, and while we’ve been waiting Bram has entertained himself by whirling me around until I’m dizzy and protesting. He’s full of energy with obviously no outlet so I humour him, although Sid is starting to get antsy. When Bram bangs into him for the third time he finally snaps and snatches me off him. “Enough,” he says sharply. “You’re behaving like a fucking kid and you’ll end up hurting Nell.” I see Charlie look up sharply from where he’s standing leaning against the wall looking out on stage. Not wanting any bad vibes I immediately protest.
“It’s alright Sid we were just having a laugh.” However, he obviously takes umbrage at that and pushes me towards Bram.
“Okay then have at her,” he says sharply and walks off.
I stare after him, worried and hurt. I’ve never known him to be so sharp before, and then a warm arm hugs me close and Seth says gently, “Ignore him babe. He’s just wired up and Bram and he are always winding each other up.”
“Really?” I ask hopefully.
“Oh yeah,” he says and Charlie comes over with a nod and a smile.
“We’ve had to pull them off each other more times than I can count before a gig.”
“Oh that’s okay then,” I sigh relieved.
Charlie still looks worried though. “I’m just going to check on him,” he mutters and walks off.
Seth catches my eye. “It’s nothing to do with you. Charlie’s just worried about Sid because over the last few tours he was normally wasted by this point.”
“Does he think that he’ll relapse?”
“His heart tells him no but I think his brain thinks differently.” He catches my look. “I know Sid babe and I really think this is it for him, but Charlie has to learn to be his brother again, not his drug counsellor.”
“It’s not that easy,” I say defensively.
He looks at me closely. “No I know it’s not, but the brothers have got to learn to trust each other again. Charlie is going to have to get used to Sid as he is now, and Sid’s got to drop that guilt he’s carrying around and learn to start living again.”
“Oh, no pressure then.” I’m trying to lighten him up and he laughs and hugs me.
“You’re good for him Nell,” he says in my ear.
“Who?” I ask confused but he moves away as Charlie and Sid return and doesn’t answer.
Sid makes his way somewhat diffidently towards me. “Sorry,” he says into my ear and his warm breath makes me shiver slightly.
“For what?” I ask, genuinely confused.
“Pushing you at Bram and telling him to have at you,” he mutters, scratching his eyebrow in embarrassment.
“Oh, that’s okay, although it’s a fate worse than death,” I say teasingly, wanting him to lighten up.
He smiles but then it drops. “Still I shouldn’t have lost my temper.” My top chooses that moment to descend down my shoulder and his breath stutters for a second. Almost in slow motion he raises his hand and tugs it back up, his fingers trailing fire down my arm. I shudder and he looks at me fully for the first time tonight and his eyes seem on fire. A clang behind us as one of the roadies drops something brings us abruptly out of the moment and my top drops again.
“Bloody thing.” I push it up again, trying to distract him from the fact that my nipples are most definitely standing to attention.
He’s silent for a second and when he speaks his voice is so thick I think that he might have noticed after all. “Remind me to give Vanessa a bonus. That top is something else.”
I shiver. “It’s lovely but it’s going to be irritating the shit out of me within an hour.”
He smirks and I almost moan because that cocky player look is so not him now but still unbearably hot. “An hour eh? I’ll just have to enjoy it for that time. Shame you’re so cold though.”
I gasp and automatically raise my hands to cover my breasts but it’s too late and he wanders off laughing.
After that time seems to pass in a blur and before I know it the openers have finished and Sid’s mate is doing our intro. We get into a huddle as we listen to Matt working the crowd up to a fever pitch. “Are we ready?” Charlie shouts and we all nod seriously. “Have a good one out there,” he continues. “We sound fucking great, let’s make them think so too.” We all nod and hug and I have to say wow to being in the centre of a massive Beggar’s Choice hug. Five, fine bodies all close and surrounding me – yes I know my job is hard.
We break away and Seth, Adam and Charlie make their way round the other side of the stage as they’ll enter from the right while we do it from the left. I move to the side ready to let Sid and Bram through first and while Bram passes with a smile and accepts his guitar from a roadie, Sid pauses and grabs my arm gently. I feel
a wave of heat race through me at his touch on my bare skin and shudder and his eyes seem to darken when he feels it. “Are you okay?” he asks, bending into me so tightly that it’s like the whole of the backstage with all its hustle and bustle disappears and leaves us here alone. I reach up and squeeze his hand.
“I’m fine,” I say simply. I know he worries about everyone but he really needn’t with me because I was born to do this. I’ve never suffered from stage fright unlike a lot of musicians. Instead I usually feel calmer yet more alive out there than at any other time in my life.
He relaxes visibly. “Okay then I’m right there if you need me.”
I’m so touched by this because he must have a lot on his mind. I’ve heard other musicians who’ve got clean say how frightening it is to go back on the stage for the first time because it’s so different without the cloud of euphoria which cushions you from everything. On impulse I reach out and grab his arm. “The same for me,” I say earnestly, and he looks puzzled. “I’m right there if you need me as well.” His eyes soften and he opens his mouth to say something but we’re interrupted by a wall of noise that seems to lift the roof and Bram mutters ‘Showtime’ letting us know that Seth, Adam and Charlie have already strolled onto the stage.
“Let’s go then.” Sid claps his hands together and grins widely and I blink because at this point he looks utterly beautiful. Then I snap back and follow him onto the stage blinking as we emerge from the gloom of backstage. The old theatre looks so different now, like an old lady dressed for a wedding, and there’s a palpable air of fever pitch excitement. Sid and Bram stroll on dressed simply in jeans and old band t-shirts as girls scream at them the noise deafening, and who can blame them because the men move like big cats, their muscles shifting fluidly as they clasp their guitars and strap them on. However, while Bram flirts his way over the stage engaging the girls in the front row who scream even louder, Sid is more serious, fiddling with his guitar until he’s settled and only then when he’s comfortable does he look up and all of a sudden I see his stage persona emerge. He smiles lazily out at the fans and even his body changes, becoming loose limbed and easy. He strolls over to Charlie who I realise has been shooting him sidelong looks all along and shouts something in his ear and Charlie visibly relaxes as do I.
Gathering myself I stroll to my microphone which is positioned next to Sid and to the right of Charlie. Bram takes the left with Adam, and Seth is behind us all on a raised platform, idly tossing his drumsticks about and grinning at the screams. Originally I’d been placed next to Bram on the other side but Sid had shifted me at the rehearsals without a word of explanation and there I stayed.
The noise is now so loud with screaming and cheering that it deafens me and sends what seems like a depth charge inside me. I always knew that I missed it, but being out here now I know that I definitely and utterly missed it – the lights, the noise, the energy surrounding us, you never forget it and it’s lain dormant inside me all these years waiting to be released again. Some men on the front row start cheering when they see me and a couple shout some obscene suggestions. It’s nothing that I haven’t heard a million times before, but Sid’s relaxed posture stiffens instantly and he throws them some threatening looks like I’m a nun for God’s sake. Bram laughs and I shake my head and then Charlie uncoils himself and reaches for his microphone.
“Good evening Camden,” he drawls. “Are you ready for us?” He’s drowned out by screaming but when he holds up his hand they quieten instantly. “We’re going to play you some new stuff tonight. We hope you like it, but wait how rude of me - let me introduce ourselves in case you don’t know us.” He goes round the boys, introducing them mockingly and I laugh when he ignores me until the shouts from the men in the crowd get too loud. Holding a hand to his ear he pretends to be forgetful. ”Oops!” he says, and then advances on me swiftly, and I shriek when he gets to me and drops me into a loose, one armed swoop. Lifting the microphone with his other hand he shouts, “Let me introduce you to our latest addition. This is Miss Nelly Slater.”
“Bastard!” I hiss, and from my upside down position I see Sid throw his head back and laugh.
“She’s kindly agreed to share our tour bus,” Charlie goes on. ‘Lucky bitch’ a few shrieks announce and he laughs. “You might say that but after a few weeks I’m not sure Nelly here is going to agree with you. She’s a great singer so let’s give Nelly a cheer.” He rights me abruptly and my hand flies to the neckline of my top to make sure that my breasts are covered. “Enough of this polite shit,” Charlie shouts. “Let’s get on with the fucking show.” Seth starts a slow, heavy, drum beat and then we’re off.
Sid
At first I was too nervous to take much notice of Nell, beyond making sure that she was okay. The rest of me was too concerned with the utter novelty of being stone cold sober and clean on a stage for the first time in years. I hadn’t thought much about this in the long process of getting clean but I certainly wasn’t prepared to feel so freaked out. It’s nothing like I remember from my cocaine haze. The lights are brighter, the noise is deafening and I feel … well I feel everything, and after we start the opening chords of one of the new songs I throw my head back and laugh. I remember now. I remember everything about how this used to make me feel, and I think that it’s the first time I ever really reproach myself for doing that to myself rather than to everyone else. How could I lose the music which was the only thing that has ever kept me together, and I resolve yet again that I am never, ever going back on that shit, because for years I’ve lived a half-life when I could have been living large. I see Charlie looking at me and I grin so widely I might break teeth and he laughs in relief and finally turns back to the crowd and fully engages. I look at his back and know that the time is coming when we’ll have to really talk because he’s got to trust me properly or all this will have been for nothing. A pair of panties land on my chest and bring me back to reality and I move downstage, fully engaged and alive for the first time in years.
It’s only after a few songs when we’ve swung back into playing like a well-oiled unit again that I look at Nell and once I do I find that I can’t actually tear my eyes away. She and Charlie are singing a duet which was one of the first things that we wrote when I got out of rehab. It’s a dark song about a man asking a woman what her new man can do for her and having her taunt him, and I was right when I said the first time I saw her that her voice would mesh perfectly with his. His voice is rough and gravelly while hers is so warm and clear that it clings to his and compliments it, but it’s not that, that gets my attention. Her whole body language is so different. She’s not flaunting herself but that slight air of diffidence that always surrounds her is gone. She’s confident, and although her eyes are smiling she’s perfectly getting the drama of the message across, and the crowd is spell bound watching them as they reach each other and she paces around him in a circle singing about what her new man does to her in bed that he can’t do, while he holds his chest pretending to be wounded and the crowd cheers. Her little fucking shorts show off her bare thighs, and her long legs look even longer in those boots. Her cheeks are flushed and her hair tousled and she looks so much like she’s just stepped out of some man’s bed that I can feel myself harden. It’s at this point that I become aware of Bram wandering over to me. He’s incapable of standing still on stage and is forever moving around but I curse his instinct which has inevitably led him over here when I’m suffering. Not losing track of the beat he leans in.
“She’s fucking something else isn’t she? I think I’ve just come in my pants watching her,” he screams in my ear and I jerk my head at him giving him a warning glare. It’s wasted on the contrary fucker as normal though because he just laughs and wanders off again leaving me to glare impotently at his back, until I’m brought back to myself by a pair of pants hitting me in the face causing Nell to break into a fit of giggles. I grin unwillingly back at her but I can feel a panic stealing over me. I know I’m feeling things that I can�
��t, for someone that I won’t be able to touch, and I can’t do that now. Not at this moment when I’m clean for the first time and everything is running better. I can’t do that again after Leah, and it’s the thought of Leah that gives me the strength to ignore that face full of laughter that’s so beautiful, and to turn away from her to flirt with the women in the audience. For the rest of the night though I can’t get the hurt expression that washed over her face out of my mind.
Nell
I don’t know what happened to Sid out there but all that fizzing chemistry that had been arcing between us on stage has gone now as if it never happened - turned off by him. One minute he’d been laughing and so full of life and beautiful that it was hard to keep my eyes off him, and then it went from his face and he’d moved away mentally as well as physically and he’s kept up that distance since we came off stage.
When the show ended with Charlie doing a very disturbing cover of Kylie’s ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ which went down a storm, we left the theatre in a load of taxis and now we’re entering a nightclub in Camden called Bloom for the after show party.
It’s a very cutting edge club, full of glass and mirrors with masses of fresh flowers everywhere filling the building with the heady scent of tropical flowers. Lights flash across the walls as we troop into an area that’s been set aside for us, and I sigh with relief because the music is much more muted in here. Then I gasp in shock as I realise that the floor is a sheet of strengthened glass looking down on the dancefloor below. When I got changed after the show I put on opaque tights underneath my black shorts which I’ve paired with a black and white checked, sleeveless peplum top and a tight black cardigan, and I thank my lucky stars, or otherwise I’d be sharing a part of myself that hasn’t done the rounds since what feels like the Victorian age. Viv comes up behind me.