Misty's Mayhem

by Robyn Peterman

  “Aye, I’m gonna set ye free, but I’ll be watching ye like a hawk. Don’t ye forget it. Ye even look at the swimmin’ hooker wrong and I will take ye out.”

  “You think you can?” I asked.

  “Know it.”

  Was he what I thought he was? I needed to know. If he was indeed the species I suspected, then he would come in handy shortly.

  “Riddle me this, Pirate. If I wanted to harm Misty wouldn’t I have done it before now? I had every opportunity on the beach. It’s quite a conundrum… or unsolved mystery… or puzzle… or stumper,” I stated, watching him closely. His kind was nothing to mess with—although that’s exactly what I was doing.

  “So ye think recognize me, scallywag?” Thornycraft inquired with a small smile pulling at his lips.

  “Your kind is hard to miss,” I replied sarcastically with a raised brow.

  “Methinks yar bluffin’, tar stain,” Thornycraft growled.

  I narrowed my eyes at the creature masquerading as a Pirate—not that I was in any position to fight him at the moment… though I was one of the very few who could. However, I didn’t like his tone or his words. I might be all tied up, but I was still a fucking demigod. “What rises from the ashes no matter what fate throws at it?”

  “Could be many a thing, ye cod faced flubberbelly.”

  Rolling my eyes, I sighed. There were only so many fat references a God could take without his ego being permanently damaged. I was almost at my fucking limit.

  “Fine,” I snapped. “How about this one… What can speak as a human, has the speed of a lion, can fly on the wind and has the bite of a serpent?” I inquired.

  His slight shift in weight and the almost negligible widening of his eyes confirmed my suspicion.

  “Does she know what you are?”

  “Nay. And if ye value yer immortality, ye won’t be sayin’ nothin’. Cause if ye have guessed correctly—not sayin’ ye have—it’s not in yer best interest to cross me. And it changes nothing. If ye harm the swimmin’ hooker, ye will have to deal with me.”

  “For the love of Zeus’ four hundred illegitimate children,” I grumbled. “I have no intention of harming the Mermaid.”

  Thornycraft snapped his fingers and the enchanted ropes fell away from my body. “I believe ye,” he said. “And I know why I believe ye. Only problem is that ye don’t know it.”

  My body still ached from the magical blast and the bindings, but I had no time to deal with that. “Are you speaking in riddles, Sphinx?” I asked with an eye roll.

  “Aye,” he said with a grin. “Let see if ye can find the answer.”

  9

  Misty

  “Oooookay, I can do this,” I muttered to myself as I crouched low in the bushes and eyed the humans at the open-air dinner buffet. “Since no one told me what to fucking do, I’ll just figure it out by trial and error—hopefully not too many errors. I just hope to hell and seashells I don’t kill anyone. That would not be good PR for our business.”

  There were about thirty resort guests milling around, chatting and eating. The festive buffet tables groaned under the weight of delicious food—salads, seafood, grilled veggies and delectable desserts. It made my tummy rumble with hunger. Probably should have eaten first, but today had been a shitshow I would never forget. Eating would have to wait.

  Glowing tiki torches and wildly colorful flowers overflowing from seashell encrusted ceramic pots made the early evening scene an island paradise. It was evenly divided as to men and women, which hopefully would make this exercise in bullshit futility easier. However, there was one gay couple that seemed to be having some issues. I’d overheard an argument and it made me sad. Maybe I could shoot their cute asses them and make them happy again.

  Happy. What a strange and relative word. I was happy… or I’d always thought I was happy. I had my sisters, the ocean and my resort home. What more did I need? Love was a myth, and for those who bought into it, tragedy was sure to strike at some point. I was surprised Tallulah had succumbed. She’d seen what happened to our mother as clearly as I had. Madison and Ariel were much younger and didn’t really grasp what had occurred. But me? It was seared into my brain. I would never forget. I lived my eternal life so I would never be in my mother’s position. Ever.

  “Love stinks. Why would anyone do something that stupid?” I whispered to a little sand crab who was playing on the ground next to me. He was a smart little crustacean. A loner—just like me and better off for it.

  Carefully fitting a shimmering golden arrow into the crossbow, I scanned the crowd again. Would my mother approve of what I was doing? Yep. Yep, she would. I could still picture her lovely face in my mind even though she’d left this plane hundreds of years ago. For decades I was furious with her—furious that she would leave us because of him.

  “Men are wankers, Dash. Do you like the name Dash?” I asked the crab as he dug an impressive little hole.

  He peeked up at me and raised a tiny claw.

  “Then Dash it is,” I said with a giggle and then abruptly sobered. My subconscious must be working overtime. Dash. That’s exactly what my father had done. Dashed everywhere, but mostly dashed away from us.

  My father… the one who was sure the ocean was bluer on the other side of the world. My father… the one who couldn’t be bothered to commit to his mate and his daughters. He’d left on adventure after adventure, chasing I don’t even know what. I often wondered if he even knew what he was after. Finally, after one dangerous escapade he’d simply never returned. My mother pined and pined for a man who believed roaming the Universe was more important than love. She eventually died of what was diagnosed by a voodoo doctor as a broken heart.

  Dash crawled up onto my knee and peered at me with his tiny black eyes. “Stay single, buddy—it’s a lot less complicated.”

  A broken heart would not be my destiny. Love ‘em and leave ‘em was my motto. I hurt enough at the betrayal of Archer aka Cupid aka Jackhole. I couldn’t even imagine the pain if I’d actually given him my heart. However, the thought of harm coming to the assmonkey still made me miserable.

  Why? No clue. The butthole didn’t deserve my concern or sympathy. He’d already betrayed me worse than my father had my mother. He’d set me up and then wanted to kill me—not exactly the textbook definition of romance. My Gods, I was an idiot. I still was unsure if the nard actually had come to kill me. Did it really matter? No. It did not. He was a bad man. Sweet chicken of the sea on a unicycle, I was pathetic to even still be thinking about him. I didn’t have the balls to off the bastard—at all. Thankfully Wally and Thornycraft were taking care of the problem.

  Whatever. Archer was no longer my issue and never would be again. I just wished the thought wasn’t so depressing. Forget him. I had work to do.

  “Whose ass am I gonna aim for?” I asked my little buddy quietly, rescanning the crowd.

  I figured if I stayed away from humans with wedding rings on their fingers I was good. We definitely didn’t want the resort to have the reputation as Divorce Central. However, The Mystical Isle of Love had a nice ring to it. That would be all kinds of awesome for business.

  I giggled as I spotted my first victim. A sweet little red-haired gal sat off by herself staring wistfully at a bespectacled dude who had piled his plate so high it was humorous and kind of gross. His jello salad was touching his potato salad and both were on top of his key lime pie. Humans were so weird.

  As Little Red looked down at her hands and sighed, I saw Food Dude glance over and blush from his nerdy head to his black socks and sandals-clad toes. His eyes were full of longing, but the minute she looked up, he quickly glanced away. Bingo.

  “Love match coming right up,” I whispered as I took aim and fired. Hitting her first and him within a second of piercing Little Red, I sat back and waited to see if I’d fucked up. I really hoped I hadn’t. They both looked sweet and lonely. Awkward? Yes. But there was supposedly someone for everyone according to reality television.

&nb
sp; I prayed to Poseidon’s idiot ass that the arrows weren’t visible to the human eye… I was about to find out. Working blind sucked, but it was also kind of thrilling.

  Both my targets looked startled and alarmed for a brief moment. No one else seemed to notice that two guests had just been pierced in their butts with enchanted arrows. Thankfully the tools of love disintegrated into thin air once they hit their destination.

  Now I’d just wait.

  And wait.

  And wait.

  And wait.

  “Shouldn’t this shit be instant?” I muttered, plopping down on the ground. “Gods, how long does it freakin’ take to fall in love?”

  “It only takes a moment,” Archer aka Cupid aka jackass of epic proportions said as he settled his large frame next to me in the bushes.

  “Did you just quote Hello Dolly?” I asked with a raised brow. I didn’t take Archer for a show tunes kind of guy. Suckily, it was kind of endearing.

  “Possibly,” he shot back with a sexy smirk on his stupidly pretty face.

  “Get lost, jackwad. I don’t need you,” I hissed and narrowed my eyes trying to steel myself against him. His ass filled out his jeans to perfection and the way his t-shirt clung to his muscular chest should be illegal. The idiot side of me was ridiculously thrilled and relieved he was alive. I assumed he had permission to be here. There was no way in the Seven Seas that Wally and Thornycraft would have set him free if he had nefarious plans to kill me.

  “I think you do need me,” he replied, full of himself as usual.

  “Then think again,” I snapped, wishing the douchecanoe wasn’t so pretty and didn’t smell so damned good. “If there weren’t so many humans around, I’d blast your sorry ass sky high.”

  “Been there. Done that. Have the scars to prove it,” he said with a wide grin.

  Was he insane? Well, yes. He was completely certifiable. But then again, I was too. Most of us that had lived as long as we had were slightly unbalanced. It went with the territory. However, he had huge nards to think he was going to be my buddy now.

  “Look, whatever-your-name-is,” I ground out, “I don’t know what my friends threatened you with to let you roam free, but I’m not playing. I’d suggest you leave the Mystical Isle so your Johnson-man-tool stays intact. You feel me?”

  “I’d love to feel you,” he replied suggestively with a lopsided smile that made my tummy flip. “And they let me go free because they’re positive I never meant you any harm.”

  “Yeah, right,” I muttered with an eye roll and turned my focus back to my nerdy couple that I’d shot in the ass.

  “It’s working,” Archer whispered. “Good choice.”

  “It is,” I said with a surprised giggle as I watched Food Dude approach Little Red and offer her his overloaded plate.

  She nodded shyly and patted the seat next to her. Neither ate, they were far too involved in mooning at each other. It was actually kind of cute and I felt pretty good about myself.

  “Your first match,” Archer whispered. “Congratulations.”

  “I did it,” I whispered and sighed happily. “I really did it.”

  “I don’t even remember my first match,” Archer said flatly. “It’s all a blur.”

  I didn’t turn to him. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for him. Although, the high I felt was amazing. It was tragic he’d forgotten.

  “Try the couple in the dessert line,” he suggested.

  “Duuude,” I said with an eye roll. “He’s wearing a ring and she’s not. That would be a disaster.”

  “Ooops, my bad,” Archer said with a wince. “Missed that. How about the guy over there talking to the gal in pink?”

  “How about he’s her dad?” I snapped, giving him a withering look. “You’re really bad at this.”

  “No, I’m not,” he huffed, insulted. “Just out of practice.”

  “What in Poseidon’s butt have you been doing lately? Clearly not your job.”

  “Love is hard,” Archer complained. “It’s tedious and time consuming. Do you have any clue how hard it is to match humans? They’re nuts. Much easier to make them fall in love with something that will last.”

  “Are you freakin’ serious?” I asked, aghast.

  “No, I’m Cupid… or I used to be,” he replied with a shrug.

  He was serious. What in the heck had he been up to?

  “Umm… okay. Just for shits and giggles, if you were still Cupid who would you have shot tonight?” I asked, kind of afraid to hear his answer.

  “Truth?” he asked, trying not to laugh.

  “Yesssss,” I snapped, now grinning as well.

  “Let me see.” Archer scanned the crowd. “Remember you wanted the truth because you’re going to get it. I probably would have shot Food Dude and his plate. He seems quite fond of it.”

  My laugh exploded from my lips and I punched the idiot in the arm. “You would not have made someone fall in love with their dinner.”

  Archer shrugged and grinned. “You said you wanted the truth.”

  “Gods, no wonder you got fired. I mean, I don’t believe in love, but I’m not that bad. Food

  Dude will eat his dinner and then the love of his life will be in his stomach. How exactly do you think that’s going to work out for his sanity? He’s going to live the rest of his life feeling like a cannibal.”

  “It sounds pretty bad when you put it that way,” Archer conceded, still laughing.

  “It’s really not funny,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek so I would stop grinning.

  “Trust me after thousands of years of dealing with everyone else’s happiness, one gets a bit jaded.”

  “Too bad, so sad,” I replied, steeling myself to watch him walk away from me. “And I’m Cupid now, so get lost, jaded loser.”

  “About that,” he said, taking my hand firmly in his and pulling me to my feet. “We need to have a little chat.”

  “No can do, little mister. I have humans to shoot and you don’t—thank the gods.”

  Archer eyed me for a long moment and it was all I could do not to tackle him and press my body against his. I was even tempted to kiss the fool. Gods weren’t affected by a Mermaid’s kiss. Maybe… NO. NO. NO. I really needed to seek professional help. My actions could not be guided by my lady bits. That was a travesty waiting to happen.

  A sexy smirk pulled at his full lips as if he was well aware of what I was thinking. I really hoped the dork couldn’t read minds. He was a freakin’ demigod. Leave it to me to unknowingly boink a God for fifty years.

  “How about this?” he suggested. “Let me train you. It’s the least I can do after all the trouble I’ve caused.”

  “Do you have ulterior motives?” I demanded.

  “Of course I do,” he replied smoothly. “Don’t you?”

  Biting back my grin was impossible. “I might.”

  The sexual tension was thick and I felt light headed and giddy. The dummy did things to my head that were confusing. His grin alone made my body tighten with desire.

  Maybe we could go back to casual, mind blowing, insanely incredible sex—no strings attached—now that I knew he wasn’t trying to eighty-six me.

  Maybe I needed copious amounts of therapy.

  Maybe if we used fake names, it would go back to the way it used to be.

  Maybe if I told my sisters what I was doing, they would slap some sense into me.

  Maybe I’d completely lost my mind.

  And maybe… I just didn’t care.

  Heaving in a huge breath, I went for it. You only live once and in my case, it was a very long life. “Okay, here’s the deal. My name is Sally. Your name is Stanley. We’ll boink until our eyes cross and you’ll train me to shoot humans. Although, I think I’m already better at it than you are—by a long shot. Pun intended. If you call me by my real name, you lose a body part and I start with the genitals. This is not a relationship and never will be. We are not allowed to like each other, or Gods forbid, love each other. E
ver. If you can work with that, we can go to my suite and start the boink-fest. If not… bye bye bye.”

  “Did you just quote N SYNC?” Archer inquired with a laugh.

  “Possibly,” I shot back with a smirk. “Are you in?”

  “Do I really have to be Stanley?”

  “Them’s the terms, big boy. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.”

  “There was never any doubt that I would take them, Mermaid. I’m prepared to kill for you and die for you. Being inside you is a no brainer. It’s what I’m living for.”

  My mouth dropped open and my knees grew weak. “Wait. What?” I choked out. “Explain yourself.”

  “All in good time… Sally,” he said with a grin so sexy I forgot how to breathe. “I believe I agreed to the terms. Are you going to welch on me?”

  “Umm… no,” I said, shaking my head and trying to clear my lust addled brain. “I never fail to honor my word.”

  “Good to know,” Archer replied with a chuckle as he pulled me toward him and pressed his lips to mine. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a half century. Open,” he commanded.

  I did. It was glorious and scary and all kinds of perfect.

  Archer’s tongue tangled with mine and his teeth bit at my trembling lips. My thoughts were jumbled and strange. It felt like home in his strong embrace but that had to be the hormones talking. Or maybe it was because I was hungry. I really should have eaten dinner.

  I wanted to crawl inside the bad man and set up shop. That was a horrible plan of action, but the thought wouldn’t leave my brain. Images of our own little bungalow on the other side of the island flitted across my vision as his lips moved to my neck and sent my lady bits into overdrive. I sighed over thoughts of tiny little Archers who ran around a picket fenced yard and shot arrows at humans and bushes…What the hell? I would take my son across my lap and spank his little bottom if he made humans fall in love with shrubs. That was not going to happen on my watch. I mean, Archer would think it was hilarious and secretly I would too, but…

  Wait.