Loving Me, Trusting You

by C. M. Stunich

  “And Gaine?” I ask, seconds before he walks in the door.

  For a split second, I don't see his ashen face or his darkened eyes, all I see is Gaine and my body reacts like it's been lit on fire, warming up and shining bright. Inside, I feel that panic start to cool, that anxiety lessen. What the fuck? It's definitely, definitely, time to pull back and give myself some space. I blame my reaction on the romance novel which, admittedly, has made me a little hot and bothered, and try to frown when I start so speak. No sense in letting him know I was worried. He doesn't need to be led on anymore. I know what that's like, and even if the person who's doing it doesn't realize it, it hurts like hell.

  “What the fuck happened to you?” I ask as I rise to my feet and brush my hands down the front of my jeans. Unlike the two little princesses here, I'm already packed. “You see a ghost or something?” Gaine turns his gaze to meet mine and his eyes widen almost imperceptibly. If I wasn't looking straight into them, I probably wouldn't have noticed. He stands there silently for a moment before moving forward quickly, almost like he's falling towards me. When he's within touching distance, I hold up my hands and throw him my worst glare. “Gaine, what the hell is going on with you?” He reaches out for me, but I take a step back. “Don't you dare put your hands on me. I want an answer.” I look from him to Austin, who's finally taken Amy into his arms and put his tongue down her throat. It doesn't bother me as much as I feel it should. I love Austin, but I don't think I'm in love with him. My mind goes back to Tray and Kent, and how I surprised myself by sending Amy into the bathroom. Why did I do it? Why try to protect her? For him. I wanted him to be happy. And Gaine … is it the same for him? Of course it is. I want him to be happy, too. That's why I'm going to keep my distance. It works better for both of us.

  “I got all mixed up and took a wrong turn, almost crashed my bike is all,” he says, but I can tell that's a lie. My eyes narrow, but I don't get the chance to respond before he's leaning forward and pressing his lips hard against mine, touching me but not forcing anything. And then he kissed me, and my heart exploded, just shattered into a million pieces and poisoned my body with love and lust. A virus and a disease, both catchable, only one curable. Love is the virus, of course, and while we can treat the symptoms, there's nothing we can do about the actual bug itself. Lust, well, that can be cured with a quick rut or a slow, steamboat of lovemaking extraordinaire, the kind where smoke curls out of your ears and your toes cramp up so bad you can't think. Huh. Glance Serone and Sali Bend, together forever. Who the fuck woulda thunk?

  I shove him back and wipe at my mouth like I really believe the smut in that stupid book, like I think I'm going to catch something from him.

  “The hell, Gaine?” I ask as I try to avoid Amy and Austin's stares. Christy, I could give a shit less about, but the other two … I don't want them to get any ideas. “I don't know what just happened to you, but if you're going to lie to me, don't even think about putting your lips anywhere near mine. I can't stand the fucking taste.” I move around him and start towards the door.

  “Mireya,” he begins, but I cut him off with a middle finger and a grumbling of insults under my breath.

  “Hijo de puta,” I snarl. “Son of a bitch.” I'm not an idiot. He needs to start realizing that by trying to protect me, he's only making me feel worse. I don't need to be protected. I can take care of myself. I just want him to realize that. Does he think I don't know why he shot out the tire on that bike? I know what those men were there for. I get it. They don't like bitches riding. Fine. I don't give a shit. I'm going to ride until the day they break my legs and leave me for dead on the side of the road. Even then they'd better be careful because if I can, I'll crawl my way to another bike and start all over again. I won't go down easy. I didn't then, and I won't now. If I can survive the hell Tray put me through before, I get through this. So what? A couple of gangs want to 'teach us a lesson', show other groups that they're not okay with the way we are? Screw them. They should know that the ultimate rule of the road is that there are no rules. I thought we were all out here to be free, to live the way we want to live. If codes and titles and patches are all that matter to them, then they're not really bikers anyway. The 'life' isn't about following a specific set of predetermined bullshit. If it was, it wouldn't be any different than the rest of society, than the place we're all looking to escape.

  I wipe my arm across my lips again and move out to the parking lot next to my bike. The wind teases my hair as I pick up my helmet under my arm and gaze out across the quiet town. An alarm got set off? I call a lie. I can see the bank from here and nothing looks amiss. Whatever it is that the two of them are fibbing about, they'd better let me know because sooner or later, I'm going to find out and everything is going to go to shit. I squeeze my fists tight. Gaine wants to prove that he sees me as an equal, then why try to hide things from me? I have a right to know. Keeping stuff from me only further proves that he doesn't get it, that he thinks I can't handle the truth.

  I put my bag away and slip my helmet on, climbing onto the cracked leather of my seat while I wait. Christy comes out first with Beck at her heels. He escorts her over to me and helps her get settled before moving away and pausing with his gaze focused out, towards the highway. Did they tell him what they didn't tell me? I can't decide. When Beck turns around, he's just smiling as usual.

  “At least it's a good night for a ride,” he says to nobody in particular. In the distance, the sound of sirens echoes across the emptiness of the terrain. I wet my lips against the dry air and flip up my visor to glare at the stupid redhead. He stands with his hands in his pockets and his muscles relaxed. The approaching red and blue lights don't bother him in the least. Guess they shouldn't bother me either. Even with a crew this big, we'll be out of here before the first squad car pulls into town. Still, it doesn't explain why they'e coming or what's going on. Guess I'll have to make it my mission to find out.

  When Gaine comes out of the building, I don't look at him. He does pause near my bike for a second, but whatever words he thinks he should get out don't come and he ends up moving away. The gap between us grows wider than it's ever been. For years, we've been so close that I didn't even realize we were. When Austin pissed me off, I told Gaine. When I had an issue with Kent, he was the first person I would admit it to. And he's still the only person that knows my mother shipped me off to America, so she could pursue her dream of painting without the burden of a child. The only person that knows how much my grandmother meant to me, and how distraught I was when she died in a car accident. He's the only person on this planet that will ever hear the story of why I married Tray and took up this lifestyle. I was heartbroken and alone, that's all it really comes down to. If my grandmother hadn't passed away, I doubt I'd be here right now.

  I sigh and drop my visor.

  It's not that I don't like the open road, I do. Now that I've tasted it, I could never go back, but I can't help the wandering thoughts, especially when I'm in a situation like this. I could've lived a normal life and hell, if I'd met Gaine under different circumstances, maybe we'd be together. Maybe. But right now, this way, I can't do it.

  I watch him climb on his bike, head low, shoulders tight under his jacket. Whatever he saw is eating him up, and that scares the shit out of me. That pain and guilt I see on him now, was that mine to take, to handle as best I could? I don't want him holding burdens for me. I know he thinks he should, but it isn't right. That's my responsibility. I think of Will and Mack and wonder what he'd do if I told him how I felt, how I'm tired of all the pain and the heartache, that I want them out of my life but don't know how to do it without getting my hands dirty. Would he try to take vigilante justice for me? I curl my fingers around my handlebars and promise myself that there is no way in hell I'm going to tell him how I really feel. As far as he's concerned, I'm thirsty for blood. Period.

  I will not let Gaine risk himself for me. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. My burdens are mine and mine alone. If anyone e
lse got hurt because of them, I would never be able to forgive myself.

  Our ride starts out ridiculously quiet. The intercom remains silent, no music, no mindless chatter. It's just engines and anxiety stirring the air tonight. I don't like the feeling in the group, not one bit. They're scared and they're nervous, and they're starting to get disgruntled. I'm sure they're wondering what happened tonight. I mean, it's not like they couldn't see the emergency vehicles in the distance. Kent was good at hiding his dirt. Us, not so much. If we're not careful, people are going to start wondering if Austin's strong enough to hold us together. I don't want to deal with that mess. Sooner, rather than later, we're going to have to take extreme action.

  “I don't want to take the interstate,” Kimmi says, and I hope to hell she's on a private channel. “There's a group out here that I don't trust. If Bested really wants to stir up shit and get everyone up in arms about us, this is the place to do it. Seventy-seven Brothers. You heard of them?”

  “Nope.” This from Beck.

  “Well, the last time we passed down that interstate, we ran into them. It was a long time ago, before Gaine was even a part of Triple M, but they tried to start shit with us. They have a pretty strict code and anyone who falls outside of that is fair game. It would not surprise me if they were forming against us. They have a point to prove now. This has gone way past Mireya and Tray. This is about principle now, and if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that principle means everything to some people.” I wait for Mireya to launch into a furious attack on Kimmi, but there's nothing but silence. She's not on the channel. Shit. She's already pissed about my lying to her. If she finds out about this, there's going to be no coming back from it.

  “Let's lie low and try to keep out of their hair then,” Austin says as he drifts towards one of the upcoming exits. “If we can get everyone safely to St. Marlin's then I'll be tickled fuckin' pink. A few days to breathe would be nice, and I don't think a visit to the beach would hurt anyone neither.” He tries to make light of the situation, and I hear him chuckle. “I sure would love to see Amy in a swimsuit, I might add.”

  “Saw it last night, boss, and it was mighty fine. Girl has got a body.” Beck opens his damn mouth and inserts his foot. I smile, too, but I know it doesn't reach my eyes. I don't feel it deep down. This expression is strictly on my face. I think of the girl lying in the grass back there and I wonder what they did to her and how I'm ever going to be able to make that up in life. And then there's Mireya … Do I tell her? I think about that for a second, but the answer is obvious: no. If she wants to hate me for lying to her, then so be it. I can't watch her be dealt another blow by these motherfuckers. I just need them to go the fuck away and leave us alone. Even if it takes another ten years, I'm sure I can get her to forgive me. I know I can.

  I keep my eyes focused on the pavement in front of me, zoning into myself and letting my motorcycle warm me up from within. When all hell's broke loose and you got no one to turn to, your ride is there for you. Stupid as that sounds. It'll hold you up when you're down and take you places you never thought you'd go. If I could, I'd ride for days straight, stop only to refuel. Instead, I try to think of Mireya's lips on mine, her hands in my hair. It's going to be a long time before I ever get the pleasure of holding her in my arms again. One step forward, two steps back, right?

  We ride straight on, the silence of the group heavy around us. It's like there's a climax building that we can all feel, a crescendo that's coming too fast. We don't have time to think, just to react. That's life, I suppose. It doesn't give you warnings, and it refuses to wait its turn. There ain't nothing I can do about that except go along for the ride.

  We move together like a flock of birds, a perfect unit, burning up highways and tucking miles under our belt like they mean nothing. When the sun rises in the sky, we don't stop, we continue underneath its boiling gaze for as long as we can, moving as fast as I've ever seen. The longer I sit there, the more time I have to think. The more I keep going back to Mireya's face, to those chains, to her expression after I grabbed her.

  She's done with this, I know she is. She's ready to move on. God, I can fucking feel it! It's driving me nuts. How can I expect her to accept me, to take the next step together when she's chained to the past? With Amy in the picture and Austin tied up in heartstrings, I thought I was good to go, that the last obstacle to her heart was gone. I was wrong. This is it. She can't rest until this crap is done and buried.

  “Where we at, Pres?” Beck asks after awhile. The noise is so unexpected that I swerve a bit and catch sight of Mireya moving up beside me. She looks so perfect on the back of that ride, even if it is a bit rickety for my tastes. Her body is round and smooth, bent over like a race car driver. Even with Christy clinging to her for dear life, she looks graceful and strong, like a predator hunting prey. There's power there, and confidence. All of that paired with an ass I could stare at forever. It's almost too much. I force my eyes back to the road, but I know my cock is rock solid, waiting for her, always waiting.

  “Just about there,” he replies. “I'd say we've got less than an hour until we hit the coast.”

  “And just enough daylight to hit the beach,” Kimmi adds with a smile in her voice.

  “I want to talk to you all when we get there,” Mireya says, and I'm glad to hear she's on the channel now. “I've got something to say if that's alright.” She pauses. “If my opinion even matters.”

  “Of course it does,” Austin responds automatically, but I doubt she's convinced. “If y'all have something to say, feel free. Hell, even if you don't got something to say, tell me, so I know you're in. This isn't going to work without your support. It's damn near impossible to go it alone.” His voice trails off, and I know he's thinking of the massive burden he's just swallowed. It's going to be tough, but I know he can do it. “So, sugar, you tell us whatever you want and we'll listen.”

  “Good,” Mireya says, and I can hear the frown in her voice. “Because you're not going to like it.”

  Eating the wind nourishes the soul, and it gives you plenty of time to think.

  By the time I get to the hotel in St. Marlin's, I know exactly what it is that I'm going to do. I just hope everyone else is behind me. If they're not, then fuck 'em. I am tired of this crap, tired of running from my memories, already sick to death of the effect it's having on Triple M. I look down at the MMM tat that rests in the crook of my elbow and take a deep breath. Gaine's not going to like my plan, that's for fucking sure, but he's going to deal with it. I'm not going to give him a choice. Despite what he might think, I'm capable of making my own decisions.

  I grab my bag and watch as Christy climbs off. If this all works out, and I make it through this shit okay, I'll be a better sponsor in the future. Lo siento, Christy, I think as I watch her eyes take in yet another new space, a different climate. I'm sure there are all sorts of things going through her head, enough to fill a novel twice the size of Amy's smut rag. Which you loved, you dirty slut. Don't deny it. I ignore my inner voice and toss my bag over my shoulder, letting it hang heavy against my spine. Considering it's all I own in this world, it doesn't seem so bad. When you travel this much, you learn to appreciate non-material things instead. I collect sights instead of items, sunsets and vistas, towering high-rises and quiet, suburban streets. Everything has its magic hidden somewhere. The only thing I give a shit about is my bike, and that's more like a friend or family member instead of an object. I throw up a silent prayer for my Triumph Bonneville and pretends that it's not lying trashed on the side of the road somewhere. It deserved better than that.

  “What have you got with you?” I ask the girl, surprising her. She looks up at me, blue eyes wide and untainted. Whatever Bested by Crows did to her, they didn't rape her. If they had, I could tell. They barely roughed her up. Not enough time, maybe? Given the opportunity, I know they would've done much, much worse.

  Christy picks up her bag, one of three that she had shoved in her trunk. Beck picked o
ne at random and tossed it onto his bike. I never thought to ask if she had all the essentials.

  “Nostalgic stuff mostly,” she replies, voice soft and tentative, almost like she's afraid to speak to me. “My clothes got left behind. I've been borrowing Amy's.” I look her up and down before sighing. She's wearing one of Beck's extra jackets with full patches. Kind of pisses me off, but what can I do about it? It's not like I have a bunch of extras lying around, and without the time to get her a new one, she'll have to make do. Can't make the bitch ride in floral print skirts, now can I?

  “I've got some extra leather pants in my bag, and a pair of boots.” I give her skinny, blonde ass a once-over. She's half the size I am, so they might be a little big, but they fit me like a second skin, so I guess it's alright.

  Christy smiles at me as I turn away and start towards the entrance. Gaine's already waiting inside, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. When I step in the door, he opens them and looks at me, doing his best to pull up a smile that I don't return.

  “When I said I don't like lies, I meant it.” I keep walking and ignore the sound of him sighing behind me. His footsteps move across the carpet and fall into step with mine, keeping Christy at my heels.

  “I didn't mean to lie to you, Mireya. It's just … I don't want you to deal with more than you have to. It's nothin' against you, babe. I know you can take care of your own shit.” I roll my eyes.

  “Then why don't you let me prove it?”

  Gaine grabs me by the shoulders and spins me to face him. His face is dead serious right now, dark brows crinkled, brown eyes shining. His hair falls into his face as he runs his tongue across his lower lip.