Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

Home > Other > Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader) > Page 51
Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader) Page 51

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  By age 30, Dumont’s life as a gold-country gambler had made her a fortune. It had also scrubbed away her good looks. She had so much dark hair growing above her upper lip, disgruntled gamblers started calling her Madame Mustache. As the gold mines began to play out, the number of players dwindled. In 1877, Dumont played a hand of faro that lost her what little money she had left. She ended her career as a card shark and mixed herself one last cocktail—rumored to have been half champagne and half cyanide.

  A mother kangaroo can produce two types of milk at the same time: one for a newborn, and one for an older joey.

  THE CRUSADER

  In 1854 Sarah Pellet stepped atop a dry-goods box in Weaverville, California, to decry the terrors of demon alcohol. One resident who stopped to listen wrote to his sister about Pellet’s lecture: “She is not bad looking, and has a fine voice and a great flow of language. Did I say flow? It is a perfect torrent. She talked for an hour and never stopped to draw breath.” But Pellet’s lectures were so dull that even her promise to bring 5,000 “worthy” young New England women to the town wasn’t enough to make Weaverville’s men pass an ordinance outlawing liquor. So she hopped on a mule and went to Downieville, a mining town in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains.

  According to Robert Welles Ritchie, author of The Hell-roarin’ Forty-niners, Downieville miners “made the week between Christmas and New Year one continuous bender.” The town’s mayor called the place “a vast field of labor for the cause of temperance.” But would a bunch of hardscrabble miners stop drinking and start listening to lectures? You bet! According to Ritchie, here’s why:

  Any kind of a woman was a novelty sufficiently compelling to cause men to drop their gold pans and hike ten miles over a trail just for a look at a crinoline. A woman preaching against the Demon was novelty with comedy trimmings.

  Pellet and her petticoats convinced thousands of Downieville men to sign a promise to stop drinking. Yet newspapers of the time hint at a more mercenary motive for Pellet’s temperance crusade. After her lectures, she would pass a hat to collect money to aid in her work. One attendee watched in amazement as two-and-a-half-dollar gold pieces “rattled like hail” into the four hats being passed. A reporter for the Nevada Journal called Pellet “a humbug” and lambasted her:

  Rumor has it Miss Pellet provided her purse with the necessary against a rainy day to the tune of $25,000. This can hardly be true, yet such has been the scarcity of women in certain parts of the mining region that Miss Pellet could not fail to accumulate something of a pile by merely exhibiting herself in woman’s array at two bits a sight.

  As for Downieville’s Sons of Temperance, when Pellet packed up her crusade and headed to Oregon in 1855, they went right back to drinking.

  THE SHE-DEVIL

  Anti-Chinese sentiment ran high in gold country, but Donaldina Cameron couldn’t have cared less. What did she care about was that, as gold nuggets became harder to find, a new “yellow currency” had come into play: Chinese girls—some as young as 11 years old—were being kidnapped in Hong Kong or Canton and shipped to San Francisco. The lucky ones were forced to work in sweatshops; the unlucky ones became sex slaves, working in brothels to earn food and clothing plus $300 per month to pad the pockets of their owners.

  In the 1890s, Cameron joined forces with the Presbyterian Women’s Home Society and threw herself into rescuing these girls. Historians say she barged into the underworld of San Francisco’s Chinatown with “nothing but an umbrella and a police whistle.” She groped her way along dark passages, broke down doors, and even dropped through skylights to rescue girls. The Chinese slave owners called Cameron Fahn Quai—“She-Devil”—and marked her for death. But Cameron not only eluded her would-be assassins, she outlived them, dying in 1968 at age 98. Cameron rescued thousands of “sing-song” girls, educated them, and helped them find husbands. The grateful girls had their own name for Cameron: Lo Mo—“Good Mother.”

  * * *

  From the Police Blotter: “Police responded to an alarm at a home on LeBrun Circle where the woman on location was unable to provide identification or the proper alarm code. She told the alarm company she was ‘the newest new wife.’”

  Bank book: A single page of a first-edition Gutenberg bible is worth over $25,000.

  MORE PORTMANTEAUS

  We gave you the stories behind some interesting portmanteau words on page 185. Here are a few more—of the extra-rich variety.

  AFFLUENZA

  Combination of: Affluent and influenza

  Meaning: A derogatory “psychological condition” suffered by the very wealthy, with symptoms such as obsessive materialism, compulsive shopping, snobbery, stress, and guilt

  Origin: In 2001 reporters for the Chicago Tribune traced the word back to an early 1980s study about actual psychological problems suffered by people who inherit large amounts. The study was written by San Francisco psychologist John Levy, who said he’d love to take credit for inventing the term, but he’d gotten it from the man who commissioned the study, Fred Whitman, a member of a prominent San Francisco family. Whitman, 87 years old at the time, said he had indeed coined the term “affluenza” in 1954. “Anybody I’d use it with thought it was a giggle,” Whitman said.

  CELEBUTANTE

  Combination of: Celebrity and debutante

  Meaning: A debutante who has attracted so much media attention as to achieve celebrity status

  Origin: This word was coined by influential radio and newspaper reporter Walter Winchell in his column On Broadway in early 1939. He used the word to describe Brenda Frazier, the daughter of a prosperous Boston family. Frazier made her debut into adult high society in December 1938 at the age of 17 and subsequently became internationally famous, being written about like a movie star in tabloids all over the world. She even appeared on the cover of a 1938 issue of Life magazine, basically for being young, attractive, and wealthy. Modern celebutantes: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Kim Kardashian.

  GLITTERATI

  Combination of: Glitter and literati

  Meaning: People who are wealthy, powerful, glamorous, and associated with the arts in some way

  High rollers: An average American family of 4 uses two trees’ worth of toilet paper per year.

  Origin: It was coined in 1956 (some sources say it first appeared in Time magazine) to describe the very elite writers and artists who were also glamorous and influential celebrities, such as Pablo Picasso and playwright Arthur Miller (who wrote Death of a Salesman and was married to Marilyn Monroe). The meaning of the term has expanded over the years to include jet-setters in general. Members of the glitterati who are still young teenagers are sometimes referred to as “ziteratti.” Well-known users of the microblogging service Twitter have been labeled “twitterati.”

  TRUSTAFARIAN

  Combination of: Trust fund and Rastafarian

  Meaning: Derogatory term for wealthy young people who, while living off their parents’ money, adopt a bohemian lifestyle, with casual attitudes toward dress, work, and drugs

  Origin: In the 1970s, Rastafarian performers like Bob Marley made reggae music a global phenomenon, nowhere more so than in the UK. London was home to a large Rastafarian community and a vibrant reggae scene. Over the years, thousands of rich white British kids were drawn to the “Rasta” way of life—or at least the dreadlocks and marijuana parts of it—and in the 1990s, someone came up with the sarcastic term “trustafarian” to describe them. The term has since traveled to other parts of the world where trustafarians can be found. (Hello, Ashland, Oregon!)

  * * *

  THE NEWS IN BRIEF(S)

  “An Austrian count who complained that his prison-issue underpants breached his human rights has been awarded almost £400,000 ($655,000) after he was held in custody for six days. Alfons Mensdorff-Pouilly, a multi-millionaire, also complained that he was not given a comb when he was detained in London as part of a Serious Fraud Office investigation into a BAE Systems arms deal. The Ministry of Ju
stice was unable to say what the payment was for.”

  —The Daily Telegraph (London), 2011

  Why’s it called figure skating? Skaters used to draw figures in the ice with their skates.

  ODD GUNS

  When Uncle John read about these unusual firearms, the first thought that came to mind was, “who would buy a gun like that?”…followed by, “Ooh! I wish I had a gun like that!”

  THE DUCK FOOT PISTOL

  Unusual Feature: Multiple barrels

  Details: Also known as “mob pistols,” these guns were designed to enable one person—such as a captain of a ship or a guard in a bank—to hold off an angry mob using a gun that could shoot several people with a single pull of a trigger. They’re called “duck foot” guns because the barrels fan like the webbed foot of a duck. Made in the 18th and 19th centuries, they were superseded by shotguns, which were better at accomplishing the same purpose.

  THE SEDGLEY OSS .38

  Unusual Feature: Gives a punch some extra BANG!

  Details: Developed for the U.S. military during World War II, the OSS .38 was nicknamed the “glove gun” because it was riveted to the outside of a leather work glove and worn on the back of the hand. A metal rod that extended forward about an inch past the knuckles served as the trigger; when the wearer punched the enemy, the rod depressed on contact and fired the weapon.

  The glove gun was reportedly issued to covert agents as an assassination weapon, but there’s no evidence that it was ever used to assassinate anyone. Where it did find use (and did kill at least one enemy soldier) was as a “weapon of last resort” worn by crews building airfields on islands in the Pacific that had been liberated from the Japanese. There, the threat of enemy holdouts hiding in the jungle was real. Riveting a gun to crew members’ work gloves gave them a chance of defending themselves against any sudden attack. Only about 50 of the guns were ever made; today the collectibles sell for upwards of $7,000.

  THE CORNER SHOT

  Unusual Feature: Shoots around corners

  Details: Invented by an Israeli colonel in the early 2000s, the Corner Shot looks like an assault rifle, except that it has a pistol, video camera, and flashlight mounted like bayonets on the front of the weapon. Just behind these items is a hinge that allows the Corner Shot to bend up to 60°, enabling the pistol, the camera and the flashlight to “peek” around corners. A video monitor on the rear of the gun and a second trigger connected to the handgun allow users to see what’s around a corner—and shoot at it—without exposing themselves to return fire.

  World’s first female president: Vigdis Finnbogadóttir (Iceland, 1980–96).

  THE HECKLER & KOCH P11

  Unusual Feature: Shoots underwater

  Details: Specially trained soldiers on underwater missions need weapons to defend themselves against an enemy’s underwater forces. Conventional firearms don’t work well below the waves: Even if the ammo doesn’t get wet, the bullets don’t travel very straight or very far, and the shock wave from a gunshot can damage both the gun itself and the hearing of the person firing the weapon. Developed in the 1970s, the P11 is believed to use an electronically ignited explosive similar to solid rocket fuel to fire four-inch metal darts instead of bullets. (Details are classified.) Limits: The gun is lethal only to a distance of about 50 feet. And once you fire the darts from their individual barrels, the gun has to be returned to the factory to be reloaded.

  THE FISHHOOK GUN

  Unusual Feature: Shoots underwater—at fish

  Details: Patented in 1941 by a Mr. H. Heineke (who, presumably, was not a very skilled or enthusiastic fisherman), the device was an actual fishhook with a miniature single-shot “gun” inside. “When a fish gives a sudden jerk on the hook,” says Heineke’s patent application, “the firing pin is released to strike the cartridge, and the latter will be discharged, thus killing or stunning the fish.”

  THE CIVIL WAR ORDNANCE PLOW

  Unusual Feature: It’s a plow with a cannon inside.

  Details: Why bother beating your sword into a plowshare when you can have it both ways? Normally the part of the plow that’s attached to the horse is a solid piece of metal, but on this plow it was hollowed out to serve as a cannon. As “a means of defense in repelling surprises and skirmishing attacks on those engaged in a peaceful avocation, it is unrivaled,” New York inventors C.M. French and W.H. Fancher wrote in their 1862 patent application.

  Tetris, invented by Russian Alexey Pajitnov, was originally called “The Soviet Mind Game.”

  THE PALM PISTOL

  Unusual Feature: It’s “the world’s first ergonomically designed firearm,” for people who lack the ability to fire ordinary handguns.

  Details: The Palm Pistol is shaped like an egg with a gun barrel sticking out one side. You make a fist around the egg and let the barrel poke out between your middle and ring fingers. A button on top of the egg serves as the trigger; you fire it with your thumb. The gun is “ideal for seniors, the disabled, or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Point and shoot couldn’t be easier,” says the company.

  Bonus: The gun has been certified as a “Class I Medical Device,” which means if it’s prescribed by your doctor, the purchase price can be reimbursed by Medicare or private insurance. At last report, the inventor was hoping to begin production in 2012.

  * * *

  CHIM-CHIM CHA-REE!

  In the 1920s, American psychologist Robert Yerkes wanted to see if he could teach apes to speak. So he bought two chimpanzees from a zoo, Chim and Panzee, and brought them home, where he first successfully taught them to eat with a knife and fork, and tried to teach them to speak. Chim was the star pupil. Yerkes’ method for teaching Chim to speak: He’d pass bananas through a hole in Chim’s cage, and say “ba-ba,” hoping Chim would eventually make an association between the sound and the food but he didn’t. Apparently both Yerkes and Chim lost interest in the twice-daily training within a few weeks. Chim ended up being the focus of a book Yerkes wrote, Almost Human. As it turned out, Chim wasn’t a chimp, but an ape—that distinction wasn’t made in the 1920s; all primates were “chimps.” Nevertheless, Almost Human and Chim ignited interest in primates and their near-human qualities.

  Say cheese: A baby platypus is born with a full set of teeth. They fall out after a few weeks.

  BRI’S PACKING TIPS

  Uncle John travels the world, bringing fun facts to the masses. Here’s how he packs everything he needs into as few bags as possible.

  ack coordinates. One jacket, two shirts, and two pairs of pants or shirts can be combined to create eight different outfits—a real space saver. Pack similar colors and remember that black goes with everything.P

  Pillowcases takes up less room than laundry bags and stow easily in a zippered pocket.

  Roll up small items like exercise shorts, tank tops, and socks and place inside shoes (such as running shoes), filling what would otherwise be empty space.

  To fold two pairs of pants, lay half of one pair on top of the other pair. Fold the bottom pair over the top pair. Then fold the other over the top. It creates a cushion effect, which reduces wrinkling.

  Going to a colder place? Take clothing you can layer for warmth, rather than taking up valuable suitcase space with lots of bulky sweaters.

  Packing a shirt or dress that needs to look good when you get there? Try folding the item in tissue paper and putting it between thin sheets of cardboard. Pack it last, so it’s on top of everything else.

  T-shirts are pliable. Roll them up and stack them.

  You probably know that it saves space to use trial-size bottles for toiletries and personal care items. Clean contact-lens containers are an efficient way to pack very small amounts of these liquids.

  Travel and storage stores sell a helpful gadget called a “compression bag.” Fill this tough plastic bag with clothes, then squeeze out the air through a one-way valve. Great for packing dirty laundry to bring home.

  Leave room for small souven
irs. Buy things that are flat or very small, and unbreakable. Remember: They have to fit!

  Meeting your quota? The average American drinks 54 gallons of soda per year.

  DUMB BLONDES

  According to scientists, there’s absolutely no link between hair color and intelligence. (There have actually been studies.) So why then does this stereotype—and all those dumb-blonde jokes—persist?

  HEATING UP THE ICE AGE

  Blondes are a relatively recent addition to the gene pool.

  For nearly all of human history—200,000 years or so—humans had dark skin, dark hair, and dark eyes. The nomads who made their way into Europe about 40,000 years ago began to develop lighter skin (possibly as a result of vitamin-D deficiencies), but retained their dark hair and eyes. Then, a mere 11,000 years ago, a change occurred.

  It was the last Ice Age and food was scarce. To survive, the men had to roam the European tundra hunting bison and woolly mammoths. Many of them perished, and before long the females outnumbered the males. Unlike in warmer climates, where women could farm or gather fruit, in frozen Europe if a woman wanted to eat, she needed a man. That predicament led to fierce competition among females—and it allowed two random genetic mutations to take hold: blonde hair and blue eyes. Neither trait had any physiological survival value, and neither may have caught on if the conditions weren’t so harsh, but these were desperate times.

  According to Canadian anthropologist Peter Frost, “When an individual is faced with potential mates of equal value, it will tend to select the one that ‘stands out from the crowd.’” Result: When the big, strong hunters arrived with their mammoth meat, the blondes made it to the front of the line.

  DIM BULBS

 

‹ Prev