Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  CARL LEWIS

  Athletic Career: Lewis was a world-champion track-and-field star. He won nine Olympic gold medals—four in the 1984 games, two in ’88, two in ’92, and one in ’96, all as a sprinter and long jumper.

  Music Career: Shortly after the ’84 Olympics, he recorded one of the most cringe-inducing videos of all time—“Break It Up,” which intersperses footage of Lewis sprinting and jumping at the Olympics with close-ups of him singing while working out in a gym. In the video, he’s wearing a skimpy one-piece black leotard (with a white belt). The song has a catchy techno/reggae beat and Lewis has a pleasant voice, but the images of him in the weight room are difficult to watch. (You’ve been warned!)

  MIKE REID

  Athletic Career: Reid was a first-round pick in the 1970 NFL draft. He went on to become a Pro Bowl offensive lineman in the Cincinnati Bengals and a standout for four pro seasons.

  Music Career: After a knee injury led to his early retirement in 1974, Reid became a songwriter. Since then he’s written at least a dozen songs that have hit #1 on the Billboard country charts, including “In This Life” by Collin Raye, “Forever’s as Far as I’ll Go” by Alabama, “Everywhere” by Tim McGraw, Reid’s own “Walk in Faith,” and “Stranger in My House” by Ronnie Milsap, which won the 1985 Grammy for Best Country Song. He also wrote Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” In 2005 Reid was inducted into the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame.

  Ew! In the time it takes to read this fact, 50,000 cells in your body will die and be replaced.

  GUY LAFLEUR

  Athletic Career: Known as “The Golden Demon” during his 14 seasons with the NHL’s Montreal Canadiens, the two-time league MVP was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1988.

  Music Career: In 1979—right in the middle of his playing career—Lafleur made a detour into music. He was no singer, but he knew hockey and he knew pop culture. So he combined the two, making a series of (we kid you not) instructional hockey records set to disco music. Lafleur told listeners how to shoot, skate, face-off, check, and run a power play while disco music played in the background. And because he was so popular in Canada, he cut versions in both English and French.

  BABE DIDRIKSON

  Athletic Career: Didrikson has been called the greatest female athlete of all time. She won two gold medals in track-and-field events during the 1932 Olympic Games, after which she was determined to be a professional athlete in an era when there were absolutely no women making a living at it. She played baseball with the all-male House of David team. She was the only player without a beard, but that didn’t stop her from striking out Joe DiMaggio during an exhibition game. She also toured with her own basketball team, Babe Didrikson’s All-Americans.

  Music Career: In the early 1930s, Didrikson ran out of money and teamed up with piano player and comedian George Libbey to perform on the Chicago vaudeville circuit. Libbey would start the show with comedy, then Didrikson would join him onstage. Here’s how Russell Friedman described her performance in his biography, Babe Didrikson Zaharias: Making of a Champion:

  Babe pranced down the center aisle wearing a Panama hat, a green swagger coat, and high-heeled platform shoes, looking as though she had just returned from a winter vacation in Florida. After swapping a few vaudeville gags with Libbey, Babe burst into song, belting out the lyrics to “I’m Fit as a Fiddle and Ready for Love.” Then she kicked off her high heels, put on a pair of rubber-soled track shoes, and swept off her coat to reveal a red, white, and blue jacket and satin shorts.

  She then jumped onto a treadmill and started running, and finished with harmonica renditions of “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” and “Jackass Blues.” She was a huge hit and sometimes did five shows daily.

  Italy gets 63% of its national income from tourism.

  Reprise: Didrikson became an even bigger star later, when she took up golf. She won 82 tournaments between 1933 and 1953, including 17 successive tournament wins in the 1946–47 season, and she helped found the LPGA.

  JOHN DALY

  Athletic Career: Daly is probably better known for getting into trouble than for winning golf tournaments, but he has won a few big ones, including the 1991 PGA Championship and the 1995 British Open. Along the way, he’s also been a heavy drinker and a gambling addict (he says he’s lost millions on bets) and has been disqualified from tournaments for boorish behavior, including hitting a tee shot off the top of a beer can.

  Music Career: Despite all that, Daly’s demeanor is endearing to many, and he’s tried to capitalize on it by recording a couple of country-inspired albums…but in this area of life, he knows his limits. “You can’t do music half-a**ed the way I do and get any good,” he admits. “I love it, but I’m not trying to fool myself that I’ll ever be able to do anything more than fool around on the guitar.” Daly’s first album, My Life, included guest vocals by Willie Nelson and Johnny Lee. The song titles sound a lot like Daly’s life: “I’m Drunk, Damn Broke,” “Long Ball Rebel,” and “All My Ex’s Wear Rolexes.”

  NOLAN SHAHEED

  Athletic Career: Shaheed may not be a household name, but in 2012 he ran a mile on the track in 4 minutes, 53 seconds. Since the four-minute-mile barrier was broken by Roger Bannister in 1954, what was so great about Shaheed’s time? He was 62 years old. Shaheed holds several world track records in his age group, in distances ranging from 800 meters to 5,000 meters.

  Music Career: He’s a legitimate musician. Over his 40-year musical career, he’s played lead trumpet in bands led by Marvin Gaye, Natalie Cole, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Phil Collins, Count Basie, and Anita Baker. What do running and playing the trumpet have in common? Wind. In high school, Shaheed discovered that running was great for building lung capacity, a big plus for his trumpet playing. “My teacher pointed out that my chops were best when I was on the track team, so I joined the cross-country team, and sure enough, my trumpet playing got better,” Shaheed said. “The harder I trained, the better I was on the trumpet, so I started training very hard and before I knew it I was running very fast as well.” Shaheed finally had to cut down on touring, but age had nothing to do with it. The reason: The smoke-filled arenas and nightclubs he performed in were bad for his running.

  World’s most expensive divorce: Rupert and Anna Murdoch ($1.7 billion in 1999).

  THE CHICAGO BEARS

  Athletic Career: The 1985–86 Bears racked up a 15–1 record in the regular season, then crushed the New York Giants in the divisional playoffs, beat the LA Rams in the NFC playoffs, and trounced the New England Patriots (46–10) in the 1986 Super Bowl.

  Music Career: A few months before the big game, several members of the team made a music video: “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” When it was released, the press called the video arrogant because the team had never made it to the Super Bowl before. But the single sold more than half a million copies and was nominated for a Grammy for best rhythm-and-blues performance by a group. Half of the proceeds went to a Chicago charity. (The producer got most of the rest.)

  * * *

  USELESS WEBSITES

  You Sneezed! (yousneezed.com) It simply says “Bless you!

  Am I Awesome? (amiawesome.com) It displays the word “very.”

  What I Would Name My Pet Unicorn If I Had One (mypetunicorn.blogspot.com) A listing of ideas for names that the site’s owner would name his pet unicorn, should he ever get one

  Is it Tuesday? (isittuesday.com) If it’s Tuesday, it says “Yes” in big block letters. Otherwise, it says “No.”

  Sometimes Red, Sometimes Blue (sometimesredsometimesblue.com) Sometimes the page is red, sometimes blue.

  Instant Rimshot (instantrimshot.com) Tell a joke, press the big red button, and the sound of a drum “rimshot” plays.

  Antarctica’s Horlick Mountains are named for William Horlick, the inventor of malted milk.

  PRIVATE WOJTEK, THE SOLDIER BEAR

  There are many stories of animals playing a part in World War II, from dogs to carrier pigeons,
but did you know that a bear also served in the war? Here’s the story of the “Smiling Warrior.”

  DOUBLE CROSS

  For most Americans old enough to remember World War II, their war began on December 7, 1941, the day the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. But the war in Europe had been raging for more than two years, beginning when Nazi Germany invaded Poland on September 1, 1939. The Germans invaded from the west. Sixteen days later, the Soviet Union invaded from the east, part of a secret agreement between Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin to carve up the country for themselves.

  Poland fell on October 6, and thousands of Polish soldiers captured in Soviet-occupied territory were shipped off to gulag labor camps in Siberia. But when Hitler betrayed Stalin and invaded the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941, Stalin released the Polish soldiers so that they could fight the Nazis. Some of them served in the Soviet Army; others made their way from the Soviet Union into neighboring Iran and from there to the British forces fighting in North Africa, where they were organized into Polish army units serving under British command.

  NO PIG IN A POKE

  It was while these soldiers were passing through Iran that a group of them came across a small boy carrying something inside a burlap bag. The soldiers gave the boy some food to eat, and then asked what was in the bag. He opened it to reveal a baby bear cub, not much larger than a teddy bear, that had been orphaned when its mother was killed by hunters. The soldiers bought the bear from the boy, trading a pocketknife, a chocolate bar, a can of corned beef, and some money for it. They named the bear Wojtek (pronounced “Voy-check”), which means “smiling warrior” in Polish.

  Country with the most Nobel Prize winners: the U.S. (270). Runner-up: the U.K. (100).

  BEARING RESPONSIBILITY

  One of the soldiers, 46-year-old Peter Prendys, took responsibility for caring for Wojtek. The bear was tiny enough to sleep in a washbowl, but it preferred to snuggle with Prendys and the other soldiers in their beds, much as it would have slept with its mother in the wild. This, combined with being bottle fed until he was old enough to eat solid food, caused Wojtek to bond with the soldiers as if they were his mother. He became as tame around humans as a wild animal can be.

  The soldiers were assigned to the 22nd Artillery Supply Company, a part of the Polish II Corps. They spent more than two years in North Africa, and in that time Wojtek grew rapidly on a diet of fruits, honey, meat, bread, biscuits, marmalade, and whatever else the soldiers fed him. By 1944 he weighed more than 500 pounds and stood over six feet tall.

  MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

  Bears are intelligent, social animals that learn by imitating the behavior they see around them. In the wild, they watch other bears; in the army, Wojtek watched the soldiers. He learned to stand on his hind legs and walk upright, and he often marched with the men. When someone saluted him, he saluted back. He loved to wrestle with the soldiers—one-on-one when he was smaller, then in groups as he grew larger. When the soldiers traveled around North Africa and the Middle East transporting materiel from one base to another, Wojtek went along with them, riding with Prendys in the passenger seat of his truck.

  When Wojtek was naughty and Prendys had to scold him, the bear would cover his eyes with his paws and whimper for a time, then peek through his paws to see if Prendys was still mad. If he was, Wojtek kept whimpering until Prendys forgave him. Then he’d lie flat on his back in submission—his way, perhaps, of promising never to do it again.

  SMOKE-Y BEAR

  Like a lot of humans who serve in the armed forces, Wojtek picked up a few vices during his stint in the service. He developed a taste for beer and received a ration of two bottles a day, more on holidays and special occasions. He was fascinated by the sight of soldiers smoking cigarettes, so it was probably inevitable that sooner or later someone would give him one. He never did quite learn how to smoke them, but not for lack of trying: When he saw a soldier pull out a pack of cigarettes, he’d hold out his palm (which was about the size of a salad plate) and bum a smoke. Someone had to light the cigarette for him, and then he’d swallow it whole, letting out a contented puff of smoke as he did. The cigarette had to be lit—if it wasn’t, Wojtek just threw it away.

  The first text message was sent Dec. 3, 1992. The message: “Merry Christmas.”

  BEARS WILL BE BEARS

  When Prendys or another soldier was around to keep an eye on Wojtek, he was free to roam the camp at will. When they were busy or away, he was chained up for his own safety. He didn’t like being chained, and he expressed his displeasure by pulling on the chain to trip soldiers up as they walked by. That wasn’t his only mischievous habit: He liked to raid the cookhouse when nobody was looking, and he became so proficient at working the showers in the bath hut that it had to be locked to keep him from using up all the water.

  Wojtek’s shower habit may have saved lives: Once when the company was camped near Kirkuk, in Iraq, an Iraqi snuck into the camp in advance of a raid. He hid in the bath hut, where Wojtek found him while sneaking in to take a shower. He cornered the screaming man until help arrived. Terrified of being eaten by a bear, the man confessed and the raid was foiled.

  BEARING A BURDEN

  In February 1943, the 22nd Artillery Supply Company was ordered to move from North Africa to Italy to support the frontline troops battling their way north, toward Rome. Wojtek went along. It was the first time he’d ever gotten close to the fighting, but he quickly got used to the sounds of the exploding artillery shells and instead of hiding from the noise, he climbed to the tops of trees to get a better look at the action.

  Yet no one ever expected Wojtek to participate in the war effort. It was assumed that he would just remain off to the side while the soldiers did their work. That changed during the Battle of Monte Cassino, one of the biggest battles of the war. One day while watching soldiers unloading 100-pound boxes of artillery shells from a truck and carrying them over to the big guns, Wojtek ambled over to the truck, stood up on his hind legs, and gestured with his arms to the soldier on the truck, signaling him to hand him one of the boxes. The soldier did. Wojtek carried the box to where they were being stacked, handed it off to another soldier, and went back for another box. He kept at it until the trucks were unloaded.

  Highest-grossing movie never to be #1 at the box office: My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002).

  PRIVATE WOJTEK

  In all, it’s estimated that the 22nd Company delivered more than 17,000 tons of ammunition to the front lines during the Battle of Monte Cassino, plus additional tons of fuel, food, and other supplies. It’s not known how many boxes Wojtek carried, but he carried a lot of them and he never dropped a single one. His efforts did not go unnoticed. The 22nd Company soon adopted a new insignia: a bear walking upright and carrying an artillery shell. The insignia was stamped into badges that men of the 22nd wore on their uniforms, and the logo was painted on the company’s trucks. (If you look on the Internet, you can find pictures of Wojtek sitting in a truck painted with his own insignia.)

  Monte Cassino fell to the Allies on May 18, 1944, opening the way to Rome, which was captured on June 4, two days before the D-Day landings on the Normandy coast of France. The 22nd Company remained in Italy for the rest of the war, following the front-line troops northward as they advanced. Wojtek continued to help with the loading and unloading (at times he had to be bribed with food, cigarettes, or beer). And as of February 14, 1945, he did it as Private Wojtek—that was the day that he was officially enlisted as a soldier in the Polish Army in recognition of his contribution to the war effort.

  VICTORY…OF SORTS

  The 22nd Company fought its last battle on April 21, 1945, when it helped liberate the city of Bologna. German troops fighting in Italy surrendered on April 29; Hitler committed suicide the next day, and Germany itself surrendered to the Allies on May 7.

  Single most studied artifact in human history: the Shroud of Turin.

  For most of the Allies, the end of the war in Europe was a time of celebration.
But for the 22nd Company and other units made up of soldiers from eastern Poland, it was a time of bitter disappointment. After the war, Poland’s borders shifted 150 miles to the west, as Stalin held on to the territory he seized in 1939. Poland was compensated with new territory in the west, taken from Germany. For Prendys and other Polish soldiers who’d survived the horrors of Soviet gulag prison camps, this meant that their homes were now part of the Soviet Union. (The rest of Poland didn’t fare any better: After the war, its democratic institutions were crushed and replaced with a communist dictatorship controlled by Moscow.)

  STARTING OVER

  Few Polish soldiers had any intention of returning home now that home was a Soviet police state, and the handful that did were quickly arrested and imprisoned, or shot. Perhaps out of guilt for allowing Stalin a free hand in Poland, the British government created the Polish Resettlement Corps to help the Polish soldiers start new lives in the United Kingdom. When the soldiers of the 22nd Company were demobilized in 1946, they entered the Polish Resettlement Corps and went to live in the Winfield Camp for Displaced Persons, located in the Scottish countryside near the border with England.

  Wojtek enjoyed a remarkable degree of freedom at Winfield. He was confined to his own sleeping quarters at night, but during the day he was free to roam the camp (with supervision), just as he’d done during the war. The Scottish public knew of his exploits and were eager to see the furry soldier bear up close. Kids who visited gave him candy and were allowed to climb on his back; the adults spoiled him with food and beer. And of course, if Wojtek saw someone smoking, out went his paw as he tried to bum a cigarette.